NINE

Rose

They'd arrived in Philadelphia without a hitch, and the group of Moroi, novices and guardians had all settled into their rooms at the airport hotel St. Vlad's had booked.

Rose and Christian had a twin room, and he was sleeping soundly at the side of her. Their sleeping schedules were all messed up due to the timezone change and needing to adjust to human time for the open day.

She blamed that for her still being awake, rather than the laps her thoughts had decided to take her on today.

For once, they were in the present rather than the past. She wasn't agonizing over Mason and Dimitri, but about how things had changed since the field experience started.

She and Christian had spent the entire flight just chatting, and by the time they landed she was relaxed. Excited, even. Instead of being stifled with anxiety at being away from the safety of the wards of St. Vlad, she was alert and happy, doing her job but not spending the entire time imagining the worst case scenario. She had her real silver stake in her pocket, and the support of the other guardians.

So she'd let herself keep chatting to Christian, getting excited about the open day tomorrow. Admitting that she was interested to see what college life was like compared to a year ago, and compared to the west coast. That it was so long since she'd even been around other humans that it was exciting.

Now, laying away and staring at the ceiling, the guilt was rearing its ugly head.

Rose didn't deserve to feel excited or happy at all. After everything that had happened, that she'd allowed and caused to happen, happiness should have been the furthest thing from her mind for the rest of her life, and that reality had come crashing back down when Christian wasn't awake and distracting her from the reality of what had happened in Spokane.

Not only that, but she was having fun when she knew Liss was struggling back at the Academy. She'd been in a foul mood all day about the fact Christian was here, and Rose was enjoying it, choosing to ignore the bond. She was supposed to be Liss's guardian, and she was glad that Liss wasn't here.

What kind of person did that make her? What kind of guardian? What kind of friend?

She stared at the ceiling, willing her mind to shut up and let her go to sleep.

She badly wanted to wake up in a good mood in the morning, to still want to go and complete the open day, to just enjoy herself, even if she knew she didn't deserve it.

Since the field experience, her mind had been at war with itself. Christian, somehow, really seemed to understand what she was going through and how to cheer her up, but any happiness caused the nagging feeling she shouldn't be letting herself go there.

It was exhausting.

Exhausting and a cause of insomnia, naturally.

Christian whimpered on the bed at the side of hers, and her turbulent thoughts cleared. She sat up and looked at him. He was started to twist and turn underneath his comforter. He might not have woken her up he was so quiet, but he was obviously having a nightmare.

She hesitated. His nightmare would probably pass, and he might resent her waking him up and them acknowledging the fact he'd had it in the first place.

He whimpered again, and she slid out of the bed. Pausing again, she sat on the side of his bed and rested her hand on his arm. "Christian." He thrashed away from her, and she was more firm, gripping him tightly and leaning closer. "Christian," she said, louder this time. "Wake up. You're dreaming. It's me. It's Rose. You're safe."

She thought she was going to have to shake him awake, but all of a sudden his eyes had snapped open and he was gripping her arms back. He sat bolt upright, and his face was at her throat.

Rose was frozen, in surprise, and a shiver of anticipation she couldn't shake. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, and Christian, who must have still been half asleep, was clearly thinking about one thing only. His fangs grazed her throat, and her eyes slipped shut. She could already feel the bliss of the bite, the euphoria that would take over as soon as he pierced the skin.

He caught himself before he bit her. His grip on her forearms tightened and he rested his forehead against her throat instead, taking a breath, and then laying back down. "Sorry. God, I'm sorry, Rose."

"It's fine." She was trying to stabilize herself as well, to get over the disappointment he hadn't bitten her, to get over the fact she'd wanted him to. "You were dreaming."

He ran his hands over his face. "Normally I just wake up and stare at the ceiling for a while then eventually go back to sleep."

"I'd been doing that, which is the only reason I realized you were having a nightmare."

Pushing himself into a sitting position, he grabbed the glass of water from his bedside table. "I always dream I'm in Spokane. Even though I fed when we landed, I always wake up from those dreams feeling like I haven't had blood in days." He gulped down the water.

"We can go to the feeders again if you like."

"No. Definitely not."

"It's not—"

"No, it's me. I've always been squeamish about feeding," he admitted, averting his eyes. "Ever since my parents. There's something about it that always been difficult for me, even though I have to do it every day. I don't know, the knowledge that one day maybe what snapped in my parents will snap in me, it's what everyone else thinks. Anyway, it's fine normally, but in Spokane, I've never been that thirsty before. When I came to melt your cuffs, it took all my willpower not to bite you." He balled his hands into fists. "I don't know if I'd have been able to stop if I had done."

She wanted to pull him into a hug, but resisted the temptation. She knew for a fact he'd have never told anyone this before, not even Lissa. "You would have stopped." That she had no doubt about. "I know you would have stopped. And I know that you're nothing like your parents."

He shrugged. "Still, every time I have that nightmare that feeling comes back, and I hate it. Even when I woke up, I came this close to biting you." He held his hands up, thumb and forefinger almost touching. "You should have pushed me away."

It was her turn to avert her eyes, to decide how honest she wanted to be after he'd just admitted something so personal. "Yeah, I should have done, but part of me wanted you to bite me." She rubbed her hand over her neck. "When you've been bitten once it's impossible not to want it again. It feels amazing. I should have pushed you away, but yeah. Part of me wanted you to. A bigger part than I'd expected."

She wished she'd never been bitten, that she wasn't constantly cursed with that temptation.

"You had to let Lissa bite you. To survive. You don't have to feel guilty about the inevitable outcome."

"Maybe not, but I still do." She chuckled. "And I know there's not really anything I can say to make your thing better, either, but I trust you. If you'd bitten me in Spokane, I wouldn't have thought for a moment that you wouldn't stop."

Any tension or awkwardness in the room dissipated. "That does actually help. In fact, being able to talk to you about all of this stuff has helped, a surprising amount."

"Yeah, me too." She had to admit it. Talking to Christian had actually been about the only thing that had made her happy since Spokane, which was crazy to think about in itself. And something that only made her guiltier when that happiness had faded. "The field experience has definitely been more therapeutic than I was anticipating."

She still felt the impulse to give him a hug, and resisted. Waking him up in the middle of a nightmare, almost being bitten, being honest, it was all more intimate than she'd expected. The fact she wanted him to wrap his arms around her and give her comfort would have crossed a line, she knew. He was still Christian, no matter how their relationship had changed slightly, and she wasn't going to do anything that might accidentally stand on Liss's toes.

"Yeah," he agreed with a chuckle, showing his fangs unabashedly. "Maybe the boycott on heart to hearts was premature."

"We should really try and not boycott sleep, though. It's not that long until we have to be up."

He groaned. "Yeah, we should sleep."

She stood up, and slid back into her own bed, shutting her eyes and not feeling tired. She wanted to lay and keep talking to him, but resisted.

"Thanks, Rose," he said softly.

"Thank you, too." She forced her eyes closed again, and willed sleep to come quickly.