Bled vs. Rue
Summary: When O'Malley takes over Red base, Red and Blue are forced to unite…again. Friends. Foes. Warfare. Red vs. Blue fic.
Notes: Thanks for the positive feedback, people. Hope this chapter mildly entertains you, as we all wait patiently for episode 74 to come out. Sorry this chapter is slightly shorter than I wanted it to be.
Translations for Lopez are at the bottom of the page. If you want to get the indicated humour, I would suggest scrolling down and reading them periodically.
Disclaimer: Consult the previous chapter.
Chapter Two: Version 1.5
"Come on, he was right here when I left him!"
It had stopped raining on the ledge, now devoid of any sign indicating Caboose had been there just a few short minutes ago. Either the rainwater had washed away the blood, or someone had scrubbed the ground clean of evidence. But the rookie's body was undeniably missing.
"Why would O'Malley shoot Caboose? Wouldn't it have made more sense if he'd shot the one holding the sniper rifle first?" Tex wondered aloud. So far, she seemed to be the only one set on solving the mystery of Caboose's disappearance rather than blaming Church for it.
"Of course not," Sarge said in response. "Artificial intelligence is much more superior than the average soldier, second only to the sheer brilliance of the one who created it in the first place."
"No. Seriously, guys. He was right here. There's no way he could have gotten up and walked away," Church insisted.
Sarge made a throat-clearing sound. Tucker, who was standing beside him, gave him a strange look. "Now that isn't necessarily—"
"Different situation," said an annoyed Church.
"You don't think O'Malley would have…" Tex started, looking over at the distant Red base with what might have been a thoughtful expression.
"Tex, the guy shot Caboose. How could that possibly be a reason to take his body back to his diabolical lair and…Fuck!" he swore, realizing the significance of what he was saying.
"I'm going to assume that sentence was meant to end differently," said Tucker.
"Church, I truly hate to be the one to break the bad news to you," Sarge said with every implication of guiltless pleasure. "I'm afraid your man Caboose won't ever be the same person he once was."
"Wow. Thanks a lot. Remind to me ask a Red the next time I want someone to state the complete—obvious."
"Wait, what was the bad news?" said Tucker.
Red lights glowed in Caboose's somewhat bizarre vision. Someone's head loomed above him. But it was not purple…and it was not blue. In fact, it looked green. And then that someone spoke out loud.
"Oh, there you are. Glad you're back in the world of the living, blue guy."
"Pienso todavía que esto es un desecho de nuestro tiempo," said a monotonous voice from nearby.
"Man, you really need to learn how to lighten up, Dad," the voice from the green helmet shot back. "He was really badly hurt. I'm just glad CPR worked on him. I'm a robot, not a doctor."
"Where…am…I?" Caboose wondered out loud, before standing on his feet. That was funny. His arms felt much heavier than before. He must have gained weight while he was sleeping.
"Oh, right," said the robot in green armor. "I'm Phillipé, the friendly mechanic. Lopez here is my father. Don't let the fact that he's just a head throw you off, though."
"Yes. We have met before." Caboose turned slightly towards the head sitting on a ledge nearby. "Hello, Lopez. You are looking…extra…shiny today."
"Yo le destruiré cuando usted no lo espera," said Lopez.
"He is a nice robot," Caboose told Philipé. "Um, Mr. Phillip… Do you, by any chance, know…my name?"
"I was kind of hoping you'd tell me," said Philipé. "I guess that bullet in your head did more damage than I thought."
"I do not think I remember being a bullet," said Caboose. "But! I do remember being O'Malley! Then…I am probably called…Bob."
"Well, Mr. Blue Guy, O'Malley is the guy who runs this base." There was a pause as the green-armored robot thought. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I can't move my arms. They must think it's naptime."
"No, they're just new. Apparently, that bullet nicked part of your spinal column and caused you to loose almost all motor capabilities in your arms. That other maroon guy thought it was pretty funny."
"I didn't even know my arms had motors in them."
"They do now. Lopez and I replaced them with cybernetic parts. Hey, that kind of makes us half-brothers!"
"Yo no reconozco que este paquete de carne para sir mi hijo," Lopez remarked with a touch of resentment.
"You know, we can't just go calling you 'Mr. Blue Guy' all the time. You need a name," said Philipé, glancing over Caboose's blue suit. "I don't know. My internal processing unit tells me you look like a 'Steve'."
"Sugeriría Francisco," said Lopez.
"I like Steve," said Caboose. "I think he and I will be very happy as roommates."
"O…kay, whatever that means," Philipé confirmed slowly. "Your name is now officially 'Steve one point five'."
"This is going to be very exciting," Caboose surmised in an exaggerated whisper. "I can feel tingling…in all nine of my toes."
"All ten," Philipé corrected cheerfully. "We're going to have so much fun! Right, Dad?"
"Tengo a ningún hijo," said Lopez.
A meeting was called, which included each and every member from both Red and Blue teams. Tex stood a ways off, being part of neither end and, secretly, against the idea of a rescue operation. It wasn't like she didn't like Caboose. They both shared the experience of being infested with that slimy AI, O'Malley. The problem with the proposed mission was the fact that it had insanely low odds of success.
Maybe 'insanely low' wasn't the right way to put it. More like 'as likely as Sarge promoting Grif'.
"All right, men," said Sarge gruffly. "And Blues. We've got ourselves into a saturation."
"Uh, I think you mean 'situation', sir," said Grif.
"I think I mean 'shut the hell up, dirtbag'," the red sergeant retaliated. "Now as I was saying, we have a 'sit-u-a-tion' that needs to be addressed."
"Yeah. Caboose has been captured by O'Malley," Church explained in addition.
Sarge looked at him. "What? I was talkin' about the enchilada somebody ate out of the fridge that clearly had my name on it. Why do you think I called this meeting?"
"What?" Church objected. "What about Caboose? He's in trouble!"
"Yeah, I want to hear about Caboose. It's important that we rescue him," Tucker added with a horribly distinct air of insincerity.
"Since when do you care what happens to Caboose?" said Church.
"I didn't say that. I'm just saying, that the safety of our teammate is obviously far more important that who ate who's enchilada," Tucker explained. "In fact, I think we should just forget it ever existed."
"Gentlemen, if we were in any condition to mount a rescue operation, we would have done that ages ago," Sarge addressed.
"I agree with Sarge," said Tex.
Church spun on her. "You do?"
"You do?" said Sarge.
"We barely have enough ammunition to take out one armed robot, let alone a whole army," said Tex. By now, everyone had their attention focused on her. The enchilada was forgotten. "Besides, Caboose had been there for hours now. Who knows what O'Malley's done with him, or even if he's still alive."
"Tex, you don't understand," said Church. "I let Caboose get taken by O'Malley. He probably thinks I did it on purpose!"
"And?" she fired. "Who's fault is that? And why do you care, anyway? The Church I know doesn't give a crap about what other people think."
"Yeah, well I'm pretty sure the Church died when he got blown up by a tank, sniped by his own teammate, then blown up again, sent hurtling backwards through time, waited for a thousand years, got thrown into the future, and blown even further into the future by the same bomb that caused him to get blown into the past in the first place!"
Everyone just stood for a few moments, staring at him. No one moved. Then Grif and Donut exchanged glances.
"Man, you just used the word 'blown' four times and I didn't feel a thing," said Tucker.
"Shut up, Tucker."
Lopez translations (from top to bottom):
Pienso todavía que esto es un desecho de nuestro tiempo.
I still think that this is a waste of our time.
Yo le destruiré cuando usted no lo espera.
I will destroy you when you least expect it.
Yo no reconozco que este paquete de carne para sir mi hijo.
I do not acknowledge this bag of meat to be my son.
Sugeriría Francisco.
I was going to suggest Francisco/I suggest Francisco.
Tengo a ningún hijo.
I have no son.