"Mi compadre! To what do I owe this pleasure?" CJ sings as she answers my call. Sometimes this whole caller ID thing right on our cellphones still throws me a bit. But it sure is convenient.

"I wanted to talk to you." I respond, stating the obvious to tease her a bit, but also putting off having to actually articulate my reason for calling.

"Well, duh." CJ banters back, picking up a bit on my tone. "But it's the middle of the day and you called my cell phone. When it's business, you call from the office. When it's personal, it's usually at night, and typically Donna starts things off. " She pauses. "They're all okay, right?" She asks in a bit of a rush, before continuing, "what am I saying of course they're all okay, if they weren't you'd be a basket case. They're all okay."

"Yes, CJ, everyone is fine. Donna sent pictures of the first day of school right?"

"YES! Lulu looked so freaking cute in that plaid jumper. I didn't know Sidwelll Friends had uniforms."

"Oh they don't. Donna just thought the jumper was too adorable to pass up."

"Well she was right! I may have to copy that idea for Hope's first day."

"Go right ahead. Are you putting her in preschool?"

"Maybe next year, just a couple days a week. Right now Story hour and Gymboree are enough, and Danny is doing a parent-tot swim class with her."

"That sounds fun!"

"You should do that. I bet Lulu would love it."

"Lulu already swims like a fish. If she did swim class, I think she'd be old enough to have a class without me."

"Ah. . . Well, maybe Jonah? I can't believe he's already 3 months old! I'll bet he's getting so big. We really need to get together so I can meet him in person."

"Yes. We really do. Any chance of you coming out this way?" I'm not above begging. " I'm just swamped right now. We're this close to passing Health Care and Donna's back to work herself this week. She's determined to get the First Lady's OEOB Daycare done before the new year. And of course Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas are already booked."

"I'll talk to Danny and see what we can do. My schedule's busy but pretty flexible, and if we work around Danny's deadlines, I'm sure I can come up with some dates and run them by Donna."

"Great! We have lots of room in the new house. You can stay with us. You don't even need a hotel."

"Donna sent pictures. It looks fabulous." CJ agrees.

"Okay, then . . ."

"Josh,"CJ says my name gently, "why'd you call?"

She just seems to know there must have been more to this than small talk, and she's clearly not letting me off the hook. This is exactly why I called her. I need some advice from my big sister.

And CJ has done an incredible job filling that role for the last decade or so. I knew if I called her she'd make me talk about what was on my mind.,

Even though right now she's just patiently waiting for me to figure out how to get the conversation started. Finally, I just start babbling.

"Well, I was just wondering . . . what was it like to leave the White House? We really wanted you to stay, but you didn't. You figured out how to walk away. What was that like?"

"Oh." CJ exclaims softly, immediately realizing where this is going. "You're thinking about leaving the White House?"

"Yeah." Something losens in my chest as I say it out loud.

"Like, before the end of the term?" CJ's voice sounds a little incredulous.

"Yeah." I admit before quickly adding, " I don't know."

There's a moment of silence while we both consider the weight of what I've admitted. I'm a bit anxious as I wait for CJ's response. I can't help but worry that she'll think I'm bailing on the Santos administration before the job is done, just like I did with President Bartlet.

"Did someone make you an offer you can't refuse?" CJ laughs a little, breaking the ice. I think she knows that's not what I'm talking about but I appreciate the chance to lighten the tone a bit.

"Margaret doesn't bring me the offers anymore. They're too ridiculous."

"I know what you mean." CJ agrees. Then there's another bit of silence while she waits for me to go on.

"I almost missed Lulu's first day of school. I was here all night."

Even though it's been a month, it still weighs on me. I can still picture Lulu standing in front of the school with Donna, waiting for me as my motorcade pulled up. Five more minutes and I wouldn't have made it. And for what?

"Israel?" CJ inquires.

"Yeah, something happened with some of the Peacekeeping troops. We had to monitor it. But the thing is . . . they didn't really need ME. " I blurt out in frustration. " They just need somebody. Why does it have to be me?"

"It doesn't." CJ firmly replies.

"I know." I sigh. I'm sure it would shock some people, but I really do know that. I'm not irreplaceable. I'm not the only one who can get things done.

"That's what it feels like." CJ insists. "You figure out that the work is never going to end, and it doesn't have to be you. And then you decide that it isn't going to be you. And it's a little hard to walk away but once you do . . . you feel peaceful."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It helps to know that the people you left to take over can handle it."

"Ahkay." The way she makes it sound, really doesn't sound bad. Maybe I can do this.

"Does Donna know that you're thinking this way?"

"Yeah, but maybe not that I'm as close to a decision as I am. We've talked about it over the years, but it's always just been an abstract idea, you know. It's hard to imagine actually doing it."

"So that's why you called me." CJ states, matter of factly.

"Yes. I figured if anyone could tell me what it would be like, it would be you."

"Well, it was the end of President Bartlet's term. And no matter how much you and Santos tried to convince me, it just didn't feel right to stay on. I had a few moments where I felt obligated. Santos almost convinced me to give him a year. But Danny talked me through it. He just wanted me to do what felt right to me, not to sign on because I felt like I had to."

"So, will everyone hate me if I leave before the end of the term again?"

"Oh, Josh." CJ practically sighs my name, I don't find it comforting. I'm not sure what it means.

"To Hell with what anyone else thinks!" She blurts out after a moment. "I'm sure somebody, on some show is going to say something. You know the other side will make whatever hay they can out of it. And that alone will ruffle some feathers on our side of the aisle too, but at some point you really do have to say the hell with it. You've done plenty! If you're ready to walk away then don't let what anyone else thinks about it matter."

"Okay, CJ, down boy." I tease her a little, but her words really did just take a load off. I know I shouldn't care what others think but I do, and it's nice to know at least one person will understand.

"It just gets me. It's like it's never enough." She spouts off, still riled up a little. Then it hits me- I probably owe her an apology.

"Hey… if I laid it on too thick to try to get you to stay for President Santos, I'm really sorry about that. I didn't want to lose you, but that was pretty selfish of me."

"It's okay, Josh. It wasn't you. Your boss was a little heavy handed, but you we're just right. It felt good to be asked. But I was right. You didn't need me. You've done just fine on your own."

"Thanks, CJ."

"And Sam is ready. If you decide to go, he can handle it."

"Oh I know. If I didn't have Sam I wouldn't even be considering it. Of course, if I didn't have Sam I'd probably have been committed by now, or had a heart attack or something."

"Don't even joke about that!" CJ hisses. "This isn't about your health is it? You're okay?"

"No! It's not that. I'm healthier now than I was during the Bartlet administration! I'm finally listening to Donna about diet and exercise. I've got some pretty good reasons to take care of myself now."

"You did back then too, you know. We all love you. It would have been devastating to all of us if . . ." CJ chokes up a bit and doesn't finish. I didn't really expect this to get emotional.

"I know CJ, but you're married now, and you've got a kid too. You know it's not the same. Back then I thought giving everything to the job meant something. I just don't feel that way anymore. I want to be home with my family. I don't want to miss any of Jonah's milestones. I want to bake cupcakes for Lulu's class party."

"Well, I say just buy the cupcakes." CJ quips, laughing lightly, "but I know what you mean. Josh, you're the only one that can say when it's time to let go. And then you and Donna have to figure out what comes next. This is your call and whatever you decide, I'll always have your back."

"Thanks, Ceej. You've been a good friend. I'm really glad to have you."

"You too, Josh."

. . .

I walk into the kitchen just as Donna is pulling a lasagna out of the oven.

"Just in time!" She sings as she puts it on the table next to a large salad and a pile of dubious looking toast that's absolutely slathered in butter and garlic salt.

"Daddy!" Lulu yells as she runs into the kitchen. "I made the toast!"

"You did an incredible job!" I tell her as I swing her into my arms and squeeze her close. I really miss not seeing her during the day.

"You're hugging too tight." Lulu complains, so I reluctantly let her go, even though I just want to hold her. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers. I swear she's taller this week than she was last.

Donna raises her eyebrows at me, picking up a little on my discontent. "Everything okay?" She asks in concern.

"Yeah. I just feel like I'm never home and I miss you guys." I confess as I reach for her, pulling her into me and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Donna immediately reciprocates, wrapping her arms around me and tucking her head into my neck. We stand there contently for a few seconds before Lulu yells, "It's time to eat!"

Chuckling, Donna pulls away. "She gets that from you, you know."

"Yeah, I do." I admit, but I can't help smiling. I love her exuberance even when it interrupts holding my wife.

"Ahkay! I can't wait to try this toast." I tell Lulu as I ruffle her hair. Then I plant a kiss on the top of Jonah's head before sitting down next to his high chair. He gives me a gummy smile and I feel the stress start to dissipate. This is where I want to be.