Josh is a little off the rest of the night. I can't quite put my finger on why but after almost fifteen years I know when something is bothering him.

He catches me staring at him more than once but just offers me vague shrugs and small smiles as he devotes himself to our normal evening rituals. Playtime, bathtime, storytime.

When the evening ends he doesn't seem to want to put Jonah in his crib, so I leave them to their snuggling in the big comfy chair in the nursery for an hour before poking my head in again. Josh gives me a bright smile as he stands up and gently puts our son to bed. Then he beckons me over, wrapping his arm around my waist as I join him in staring at the sleeping baby.

"This is what it's all about, Donna." He insists softly. "We made these little people and we owe it to them to give them a better world than we had."

"Yeah." I agree, taking his hand and leading him from the nursery towards our bedroom. He sits down in one of the chairs and starts to take his shoes off, but I find myself standing in front of him.

"What's going on, Josh? Did something happen?"

"I talked to CJ today."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I wanted to know what it was like to leave politics."

"What did she say?" I manage to choke out even though my heart is pounding and my throat is closing.

"She said I'd know when the time was right and that there is life after politics."

"And is the time right?" I practically whisper. This isn't the first time he's mentioned life after the White House, but we just bought this house! I'm not ready to leave DC.

Josh must see the panic in my eyes because he grabs my hand and pulls me onto his lap.

"I don't know, Donna! I wouldn't make this decision without you. But I think it's time to start talking about it pretty seriously. Passing this Health Care is really taking it out of me. Don't get me wrong- once we get it done it'll be a huge accomplishment. But beyond that . . . I don't know. I can't keep doing this. Working 80 hour weeks, barely making it home for dinner, spending an hour with the kids. I want to give them a better world, but I want to be part of their world!"

"You are!" I insist. "You're a great Dad. They aren't suffering."

Josh's face crumples. "But I am, Donna. I hate taking calls on Sunday afternoons. I hate pulling up to the school at the last minute so I don't miss something. I hate that the kids spend more time with the nanny than they do with me!"

His voice cracks with passion and my heart practically breaks. This man has always put everyone else first and the only thing he wants is to spend more time with his kids. When we got married we agreed that either of us could pull the plug on these jobs at any time, and even though I didn't see this coming right now, I'm certainly not going to stand in his way.

"I'll follow you anywhere." I reassure him, "Where do you want to go?"

But now Josh looks confused. "Go?" He repeats, his forehead wrinkling.

"I thought you wanted to leave the District?"

His lips quirk up and his dimples pop out. "No, I don't want to leave the City. I just want more time with you and the kids. We just moved for God's sake! And you don't want to quit your job do you? You seem really glad to be back in the office."

"No! I mean yes, I'm glad to be back at work. I don't want to quit my job. So what are you saying?"

"I think it's time for me to leave the White House, not you. Sam can take over for me and I can stay home with the kids."

"Really?" I have to admit this whole conversation is throwing me for a loop. Sure he's hinted at the idea of staying home before, but I thought it was hyperbole, more of a gesture than anything else.

Josh notes my lack of enthusiasm. "You don't think it's a good idea?"

"Having them all day, taking care of all the little things . . . it's not easy. I just don't want you to give up everything you've worked for and then wish you hadn't."

"Ah . . . I see." Josh murmurs, looking dejected, before he shifts me off his lap into the chair and stands up, moving toward the closet, as he begins to unbutton his shirt.

"Josh!" I hiss as I stand up to follow him, feeling a little guilty because I seem to have hurt his feelings and a little irritated because he should know that I didn't mean to.

He stops and pauses for a second before turning back to look at me.

"It's not that I don't want you to stay home with the kids. I just don't want you to feel like you have to. I don't want you to think that you aren't already an amazing Dad. There's a lot of space between the hours you put in as Chief of Staff and the hours you'd put in doing something else. If you're ready to leave the White House it doesn't mean that you have to stay home full time."

"I really want to try this for awhile Donna. I want to make my family my priority. I've given you the leftovers for too long."

He reaches for me and I'm instantly in his arms where I belong.

"Oh, Josh. We don't feel that way, I promise you. I hate the thought that you're beating yourself up because you have a demanding job. I love our life. Our kids adore you. You are incredible."

"I can be better."

. . . .

Sometime during the night I wake up to find Josh staring at the ceiling, so I reach over and rub his arm. I can practically see the wheels turning in his head. I don't want to push him but if he needs to talk this out some more I hope he knows I'll listen.

Sure enough after a few minutes of gentle stroking, he starts to speak.

"Our conversation earlier did not go quite like I expected. I thought you'd be more excited about the idea of me quitting. That you'd see it as proof of how much I love you and the kids. I guess it's a good thing that you don't think that I've been an absentee father, even though I feel like it sometimes."

He takes a deep breath.

"I wish I could talk to my Dad about this. It seems like he had the balance down. Thinking back, I guess he worked similar hours to what I work. He'd get home in time for a late dinner, spend an hour or so with me in the evenings, and work from home on the weekends. I never felt neglected, and I knew he loved me. But there were times when I missed him. And at least Mom was home with us for the most part. Sure she had her committees and activities but she raised us."

I'm glad he's sharing his thoughts with me. I want to assure him that he doesn't have to prove anything to me, but I also really want him to get all this off his chest, then we can sort it all out and figure out what's best for our family. After a couple seconds he goes on.

"I really don't want our kids raised by other people. Nicole has become part of the family but it won't be long before she and Ryan have kids of their own. And in the meantime, she's probably going to end up as the director of the OEOB Daycare. I don't want Jonah stuck in daycare all day. And now that Lulu's in preschool, we'd need a nanny to get her to and from school or she'd be stuck in an aftercare program. The kids wouldn't even be together until after we got home from work. My memories are fuzzy but I vaguely recall standing at the window waiting for Joanie to get home everyday and my excitement to see her and the way that she'd tell me what she learned while we ate a snack. I want that for Lulu and Jonah."

He finally turns towards me and the intensity in his eyes is a little stunning.

"But I absolutely do not want you to quit your job. You're totally kicking ass as Helen's Chief of Staff. You've taken a hesitant First Lady and turned her into a powerhouse. And as a result you've made a name for yourself in Democratic politics. Important people are starting to pay attention to what you're doing and since they're a little slow on the uptake, they've finally realized that it's not me pulling strings, that you are a force all your own!"

I can't help smiling- both at his ferocity and what he's saying. I've wondered if I was really getting anywhere with my career. I have no desire to leave Helen, but I have thought about what I'll do next. It's exciting to think that I might have more options than I realized.

"And all this leads me back to the decision I've felt coming for a while." Josh goes on, matter of factly. "I need to resign. I've had a great career, but yours is just getting started. And I don't want to stand in your way. Understand?"

I'm still floating from his praise and I can't really argue with his reasons for wanting to do this. And he seems very determined, so all I can do is nod. He gives me his goofy smile, then leans over and kisses me.

"Ahkay, go back to sleep."

He wraps his arms around me and I drift off in a haze of happiness.

. . . .

The next morning when we're in the car alone, he brings it up again.

"So, I want to talk to Sam about taking over before I give Matt my official resignation."

"Okay, if you're sure about this. I just want you to be happy. I don't want you to sacrifice part of who you are because you think you have to prove how much you love us. We know how much you love us."

"I'm not just trying to prove something. I feel like I'm missing out on part of their lives. I'm old, Donna! I'm not going to live forever and I don't want to miss any of the time I have with them."

"Don't talk like that!" I practically screech. "You're not that old. And you're not allowed to die."

A small bubble of laughter erupts from him, "Donna . . ."

"No, Joshua." I interrupt whatever he's going to say. I'm not amused at all. " You can resign from your job, but you cannot think or act like you've only got a little bit of time left. You've still got a very long life in front of you and you still have a lot to do. It's not like this is the end of the road."

Josh takes my hand and rubs it gently.

"You're right it's not. I still have big plans for you Mrs. Lyman, but right now I want to take a break from politics and raise our kids."

I study him for a moment and see his complete sincerity, so I give him my approval.

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes. And for the record, I think you're already doing an incredible job raising our kids and if they get more time with you, well, that's even better."

And as I say it, it finally occurs to me how great this is for Lulu and Jonah. There's no one I'd rather have them be with than Josh. That makes me smile and when I do, Josh's dimples pop out in obvious relief.

"So, it's okay if I talk to Sam about this? Like, officially get the ball rolling?"

"Yes, you're going to talk to Sam before Matt?"

"Yeah, I don't want to blindside Sam. I'm going to strongly encourage Matt to promote him and I need to know that he's willing."

"Do you think that there's a chance he won't be?"

"Not really. He and Ainsley are settled here. They both seem really happy with their jobs. But even though it's a good career move for Sam, I shouldn't just assume he'd want my job. Byt U also want him to know there's no one else I'd want to take my place."

"Because of Leo?" I softly question him. He hasn't spoken much about CJ becoming COS over him, but I'm sure it hurt more than he'd admit.

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't want Sam to feel in the dark for even a little bit. He's my right hand man. If he's not willing to take over then I'm going to need his help to figure out who to recommend to Matt. Especially if he's going to have both jobs to fill."

"Would that change your decision?"

"No. But I don't want to leave Matt short-handed. If Sam doesn't want the job it might just take a little bit longer until I'm able to leave."