The Diner

Tuesday nights are my favorite nights to come to this bar. It's never crowded, so I can sit and drink without anyone trying to bother me. It gives me time to think and get lost inside my head.

I raise my hand to get the bartender's attention for another round. It's not difficult as Tanya's attention is always focused on me the nights I come in here. She tries to be subtle about it, but I catch her watching me whenever I look up.

"Here you go, Ed," Tanya says with a smile and a wink. She places the new beer in front of me while taking away the empty bottle. "How's life treating you? Getting lonely yet?"

"Nah, I'm good, Tanya, thanks," I smile back and quickly look away towards the beer in front of me. I don't want to encourage her crush. She's young and pretty, just looking for a good time. I would have taken her up on her offer six months ago.

But that was before Bella Swan let me into her bed. Well, my bed. We always end up at my place. It makes sense since I live within walking distance of the diner where we both work, but I know deep down we end up at my place because it allows Bella the opportunity to make a quick getaway. It's easier for her to get up and leave after we've been together. Much easier than it would be to kick me out of her house each night. While Bella may have let me into her bed, she hasn't let me into her heart.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I started work at the diner, but it wasn't Bella upending my quiet life. I remember that first meeting so well.

I walk into the diner for my first shift as a line cook. This isn't what I'd seen myself doing even a few months ago, but life sometimes gets in the way of even the best-laid plans. I thought I'd be in the Army for life, but a career-ending illness resulted in an honorable discharge, and here I am. It's not forever, but I need to take this time to figure out where I go from here. To get my life back on track.

As I look around the restaurant, my eyes are drawn to the waitress working the counter area. I can tell she's a little bit older than my twenty-five years, but I'm not sure by how much. Her brown hair is up in a bun, and she's wearing a gray sweater over her white button-down shirt and an apron over her dark blue skirt. Typical diner waitress attire. Even so, I'm immediately drawn to her. She interacts quietly with each customer at the counter, her beautiful smile on display as she refills their coffee or sets their plates of food in front of them. But as she quickly looks over at me before turning her attention back to a customer, I see that her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

And at that moment, I feel like I already know her. I recognize something in those dark, haunting eyes of hers. It's something I see every day when I look at myself in the mirror. It's a longing for something more but also a grudging acceptance that this may be all there is. I know then that we are both a little broken. Only someone who has experienced true heartbreak can recognize it in someone else.

I punch my time card and get to work. The waitress from the front comes into the kitchen when I start my shift, introduces herself as Bella, and welcomes me to the diner. She gives me the same smile she gives her customers, the one that doesn't reach her eyes.

I take another sip of my beer and try to figure out the mystery that is Bella Swan. Tuesdays are one of the few shifts that Bella and I don't work together, so I come to this bar, have a few drinks, and try to sort out our relationship. I know Bella would say we don't have a relationship, that we just provide temporary comfort for each other. But then why do I dream about her nearly every night? And why do I always want to call her when I've had a few?

There are a lot of downtimes when you work the late shift at the diner. That's given Bella and me many chances to talk. Even so, Bella doesn't divulge much. I do know she's divorced, that it wasn't a happy marriage. She alludes to something devastating, but she won't say more than that.

Bella doesn't talk much about herself, but I've come to understand her through our talks about books and movies and the gossip in this small town. I've discovered she has a great sense of humor. And when she laughs - when she truly laughs - I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful. Those are the rare times her eyes sparkle with a joy I long to see more of.

I know there is more to us than just sex. But how can I get Bella to see it, too? How do I get her to let me in for more than just a couple of nights a week? I was so naïve that first night we got together.

We walk together out of the diner at 2:30 am. Bella looks over at me as if she is appraising me, trying to make a decision.

"You live nearby, right?" she asks with a slight smile.

"Yeah, just down the block," I reply. I start to get my hopes up. Is she about to make my dreams come true?

"You want company tonight, kid?"

"Absolutely," I smile back at her.

She always calls me kid. I'm not sure if she's trying to remind herself or remind me of the fact that she's eight years older than me. I don't know why she's so concerned about the age difference. It doesn't matter to me. She's the most intriguing woman I've ever met.

"Let me show you I'm not a kid," I say after we arrive at my house and head towards my bedroom.

That first night and all of the nights since have left me craving more. She's hungry in her lovemaking, as though it's her only chance to be completely satiated. I get it because I can't get enough of her, either. I want her all the time.

Our nights together are the only times I feel like she lets me in. She only opens up to me when I'm inside her. She whispers to me her desires; she reveals her loneliness, she moans how much she wants me at that moment. But no matter how much I want her to, those are things she won't say in the light of day.

When we come down from our euphoria, and she's lying in my arms, I cling to the fleeting sense of fulfillment I've never felt with anyone but her. I beg her to stay with me all night, but she never does. Just like the end of a dream, she disappears before I wake. Those first moments, when I open my eyes to find the bed empty beside me, are the loneliest moments of my life.

I want more from her. I want it all with her. I've tried to grab it. I asked her out on a date once to go see a movie with me. I knew anything more complicated would scare her. She turned me down anyway.

"I don't date," she sighs. "I can't give you anything more than this, kid. You should find someone your own age to date."

"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new."

The broken look in her eyes when I tell her that nearly destroys me. How can I convince her that she deserves so much more from life than she accepts?

I order another beer from Tanya and thank her when she places it in front of me. She must sense I'm not in the mood for small talk since she doesn't say anything this time. As soon as she turns away, I'm immediately lost in my thoughts of Bella again.

I don't know if I can keep doing this to myself. My time with Bella means so much to me, but I know I need more. I want everything with her. But I don't know if this feeling flows both ways. When we are together at night, I think she wants it, too. But she's always gone before the sun comes up.

Do I have the strength to end it and say goodbye? Do I want to? If she won't let me in, do I even have a choice? I can't think about this anymore tonight. It hurts too much.

I pay my tab and head out. I look over to the next block and see the diner is already closed. Bella should be home by now. I could call her and ask her to come over, but I don't think that's a good idea. I can't keep breaking my heart over and over again. Instead, I walk home on my own.

As I turn the corner, I see a figure sitting on my porch. The street lamp shines just enough light for me to see that it's Bella. Now that she's here tonight, I won't turn her away. I need her too much. I'll let her into my bed, if only for the night. I'll let her tell me her secrets, if only for the night. I'll let her love me, if only for the night.

"Hi," I say as I step up onto my porch.

"Hi," she says back to me as she stands. She gives me a shy look I've never seen from her before. She takes a deep breath as if she's steadying herself before she speaks. "So, I was wondering, kid…what movie do you want to see? I know we're both free Thursday night."

My heart swells with emotion. I don't know why she changed her mind, and I don't care why. All that matters is that she's finally ready to open up and accept more with me. That is all I've ever wanted.

"Thursday night definitely works," I laugh, grabbing her hands in mine as I look into her eyes.

"I want to try, Edward. With you," she smiles up at me.

And this time, her smile finally reaches her eyes.