Carwash, a janet evanovich fanfic

Disclaimer:

I don't own shit, just the idea for this story.

Authors note:

I hope you all enjoy it,

I just made it up when I was listening to the song Carwash by Christina Aguilera ft Missy Elliot.

I tried my best to keep the characters in character, so don't hate me if they're a little out.

It's only a little fun short.

Warnings: Mild language and spoilers for Hard Eight and little for Eleven On Top.

Carwash

I hated carwashes, ever since girl scouts where they made you hold yearly ones to raise money for some random charity.

Don't get me wrong there nothing wrong with giving money to charities, it was just I didn't like it when I had to wash cars until my hands were rubbed raw and my clothes were drenched with soapy water which always managed, some way or another, to get into my eyes.

I don't know whether you have ever experienced soapy water in your eyes but I can tell you from experience that it hurts.

A LOT!

I admit, it wasn't just me who got soapy water in their eyes; there was some sort of unspoken guarantee that every single girl scout working on getting their charity badge by washing cars, would get soapy water in their eyes and every girl scout that got soapy water in their eyes would stop washing the cars and would start crying instead, despite the scout leaders best efforts to get rid of the said stingy water.

Except me.

I was always left to finish the last couple of cars, on my own, with soapy water in my eyes and for all my work all I would get was a stupid badge and the girl scout of the month award, which, for those of you who don't know, is just a stupid little trophy that you have to give back after the end of the month.

So I have never been particularly fond of carwashes.

Especially so when I heard that my mother had signed me up to participate in one.

It all started a couple of days ago…

2 days ago

"YOU DID WHAT?" I exclaimed at my mother who was wearing a stupid smile of hers on her face.

"Stephanie, there is no need to shout! I signed you up to help your nieces' girl scouts annual carwash. It will be good for you to get out; you'll enjoy yourself and you'll help the needy. All in one day!" she said smiling at what she thought was a good idea.

I looked at her as if she was insane, which, at that moment I questioned, "But I enjoy myself without doing crappy carwashes. Why can't Valerie do it? It's her kids." I said frowning at my mother.

"Valerie is doing it but they still don't have enough voluntary staff. The girls will be so disappointed if they can't do it. Stephanie, we've asked everyone and no-one will do it. Mary Lou is helping out, and…"

"Alright I'll do it!" I said cutting her off before she could lay guilt on me any more than she already had.

She beamed at me, "I knew we could count on you. It's on Saturday 12 noon. Don't be late."

I rolled my eyes but nodded all the same.

It could be worse; it could be 8am on Saturday morning.

I was just going out of the house when my mother called me again.

I turned around to see her holding like a billion flyers in her hands.

"Pass these around will you?" she said handing them to me and I nodded.

I wanted to say no but I knew that as soon as I did I would be cut off from all deserts from my mother and that was a fate worse than death so by doing this small favour I would probably be well rewarded with cake.

My favourite reward by far.

So for the rest of the day I was forced to hand out a never ending pile of flyers that said in bright red letters:

Carwash, 12 till 5

Vincent Plum Bond Office Car Park.

All money raised will be donated to Trenton's Police Department.

Looks like Trenton PD got lucky this year instead of the usual donations to the nearest school.

I wasn't very happy about the time though – I was going to have to wash cars and clean soapy water out of peoples eyes for 5 hours.

I wasn't too keen on where it was going to be held either.

I didn't actually realise that it was in Vinnie's car park until it was pointed out to me…

"Say Connie, can you put these up in the window or something and hand them out to every person who comes through the door." I said to her smiling.

She raised an eyebrow and read a flyer, "Vinnie's hosting this?"

I frowned, "What? No." I looked at one of the flyers and cursed.

"Awww crap, does this mean we're going be getting loads and loads of people coming in and out of the office. I kind of like it when it's quiet and stuff, bar the weird noises coming from Vinnie's office." She said sighing.

We both shuddered at the thought.

"I don't think I wanna do this stupid carwash in Vinnie's carpark either but I guess it is the only place to go. Macy's car park sure as hell ain't going to let us do it there without giving them some sort of profit.", I said sadly.

"Are you doing this?" Connie said to me raising both eyebrows.

"Unfortunately yes; I was pushed into it. I swear, no way in hell did I do this by choice."

There was an awkward silence until Connie looked up at me nodding in and understanding way,

"Did your mom threaten to cut you off from cake?"

"Yeah…"

"Thought that might do it." she said grinning.

I rolled my eyes but made her promise to give out the flyers.

I went all around town that day handing out the flyers to, damn near, every shop in Macy's, Mac Donald's, Cluck in the Bucket, the local dry cleaners, The button factory, the tampon factory, the local school, and Trenton PD.

Afterwards I only had about 10 flyers left to hand out so I decided to cheat a little and I stapled them on the trees in the park to get rid of them.

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The next day i made myself go to work and catch up on everything that I didn't do yesterday, when I called Ranger and asked whether I could have a day off.

He agreed thankfully and didn't ask questions just told me to be in to work today.

I love having a friendly relationship with my boss.

It was a good thing he liked me otherwise he probably would have sacked me by now from all the things I have done:

I disobey him all the time,

I never wear a gun,

Or on the rare occasion I do wear a gun it's never loaded,

I've blown up loads of his cars,

I've hurt loads of his merry men

I don't get to work on time and finish early if I do get there at all,

I don't enjoy my job and so moan about it constantly,

I distract his men,

I ask loads of questions all the time

I insult his eating habits …

The list was endless; I was actually surprised he even hired me.

Anyway, I got into RangeMan 20 minutes late but felt a huge load of my chest. I had delivered the flyers so it was all okay, all I had to do was show up tomorrow which was easy-ish.

I sat infront of the computer and started up on some of the files.

My research tray of files was overflowing and I needed to finish most of them by today.

So I buckled down and worked solidly for four hours, until my hunger beast woke up and started growling.

I printed off the last file and popped it in a small blue wire tray marker finished along with 7 others.

I went into the small downstairs kitchen and fixed myself a nice healthy salad sandwich.

I took one bite then chucked it away grabbing a mug of coffee to take away the disgusting taste.

I heard a chuckle from the doorway and looked up to see Ranger.

"Hey," I said to him putting on a mock frown, "It's not funny. Rabbit food doesn't like me."

He did on of his upturned edge smirks and shook his head slightly.

"Babe" he leaned in close to me, with our face a mere few inches apart, "There are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my room."

I knew he just wanted to get me in his room and that was something I wanted to avoid even though I was in an off again stage in my relationship with Morelli.

"I'm okay, I'm sure I can find something here that resembles something nice." I said smiling. He raised an eyebrow, "Babe." and walked away.

I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding and sighed.

Man was he something.

Damn shame his life didn't lend itself to relationships.

But on the other hand I was a little bit scared of him.

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I woke up Saturday morning to the sound of my alarm which i had set, in a moment of weakness, last night.

I extracted a hand from inside my bed, dragged it towards the alarm clock and punched it.

Maybe a little to hard because the beeping went mental and turned into a high pitched whining sound that only seemed to get louder and louder.

I shot out of bed, my hands over my ears to help stifle to damn irritating beeping from breaking my eardrums, and kicked the alarm clock across the room in hope that it would shut up.

I, then, remembered, as the pain kicked in, that I don't tend to wear my CAT boots to bed and so my foot started to throb. I let out a scream of pain and removed my hands from my ears to rub my poor sore toes.

The alarm clock, which I had yet again failed to shut up, was no screeching louder and instead of beeping had just turned into a non-stop scream.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" I screamed at the damn alarm clock and picked it up examining it. After, about, a split second decision I ripped it away from the mains effectively unplugging it.

I watched in horror as the plug detached from the alarm but still the beeping went on.

"HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?" I shouted at it and stared at it.

Okay, calm down Steph… there must be a battery in there somewhere.

I squinted against the noise and looked closely at the alarm trying to find a hatch where the batteries are kept.

I finally found the hatch but it failed to open due to tiny little screws holding it in place.

Ting little screws that required a tiny matching screwdriver to open the stupid battery hatchet; a tiny matching screw driver that I did not own.

I let out a scream before chucking the stupid alarm at the wall where it slammed into the concrete, cracked the paint, ricocheted off the wall onto my bedside cabernet and knocked over my lamp which then fell onto the floor and smashed.

I almost cried when the stupid alarm still did not stop screaming at me even after it had successfully destroyed my room and was working on destroying my hearing.

In my final act of desperation I picked up the alarm clock walked the length of the bedroom, opened the window and chucked it outside.

I walked away from the window rubbing my forehead which was now thumping along with my toe, my ear drums and my sanity.

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate of the newly acquired silence.

Deep breaths and think of peaceful things.

But I quickly opened my eyes when realisation hit me.

It wasn't completely silent.

There was still a distant beeping sound of that Satan reincarnated alarm clock.

It was possessed or something, no normal alarm clock can withhold from being thrown out of a window, kicked, punched and chucked against a wall; a normal clock would have broken within hours of being bought.

I slowly edged towards the window and looked down.

There on the fire escape, a couple of metres down was the damn thing, still flashing and beeping madly like a fire truck.

I slowly walked away from the window and grabbed my bag pulling out my last resort.

I walked back to the window and aimed at the alarm clock.

I emptied a round at the alarm clock and made up an entire new meaning for the phrase, 'shot to shit'.

I let out a smile of success as the beeping slowly stopped and the alarm clock got pushed off the fire escape, thanks to one of my bullets, and tumbled down on to the concrete sidewalk.

I put my gun back in my bag and let out a long sigh before a little warning went off in my head about the stupid carwash which I was going to be late for if I wasn't ready in 30 minutes.

That soon wiped the smile off my face.

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I got to Vinnie's exactly on time and parked up next to Mary Lou's shiny red Mini Van.

I got out and looked around.

There were 10 kids, including Mary Alice and Angie, all dressed in their girl scouts uniforms, all holding sponges and buckets of hot soapy water at the ready.

The only adults there were me, Mary Lou, Valerie, and few scout leaders.

I walked over to them all smiling, "Hey."

"Hey Steph", Mary Lou said grinning and hugging me, "I haven't seen you for ages. Ever plan on visiting?"

I smiled, "How's Lenny and the kids?"

"Their okay, the dogs at the vets at the moment because he swallowed Freddie's toothbrush but apart from that nothing had changed. How about you? Got a boyfriend yet?" she said smiling.

I shook my head, "Nope. I'm completely and one hundred percent single."

She smiled, "What about Ranger?"

"Mare, we've gone through this, Ranger doesn't want a relationship with me, he just wants to stick his hands in my shirt."

She let out a little laugh at that, "That sounds like a relationship to me, an odd one but it's still a relationship."

I rolled my eyes, knowing that she would say something like this. Mary Lou was a positive person and chose to find the good things in everything that is said.

I, on the other hand, wasn't positive, but I wasn't negative either, I was realistic.

Like it is a realistic prediction, that, Ranger probably said 'his life doesn't lend itself to relationships' because he didn't want to hurt my feelings because what he really meant was, 'I don't want to date you'. I didn't really blame him either; I would be a very embarrassing girlfriend. Morelli was embarrassed to be with me and he has a similar social status as Ranger bar the not entirely legal but morally right business.

But these were not the right thoughts to be thinking about while starting a car wash, I told myself sternly; so I blanked them out of my mind and tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

Sure enough our first customer came driving into the car park towards us.

"How much is it?" a middle aged woman said through the window of her car.

Her car, I was afraid to say, was absolutely stinking. It had mud everywhere at the bottom and it had a couple of dozen blobs of white bird crap over the bonnet and the windows.

"$3, and all money goes to a good cause." Valerie piped up to the woman.

She nodded and drove towards us and got out of the car, "Okay."

I watched as the girls scrubbed up the car good and clean, then hosed it down with the hose.

The woman smiled at us and handed us three dollars, "Thanks. I've been needing that done for weeks."

I smiled back at her and watched her drive away wishing that I could do the same.

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Two hours later the only people washing the cars were me, Mary Lou and Valerie due to the kids' sore eyes.

I knew this would happen.

The little buggers got away without helping and just watched us struggle to wash the cars over and over.

The worst thing was, there were a lot more cars now and they were all queuing, waiting for us to hurry up.

The next worst thing was that since the girls had stopped working we were understaffed so Valerie had the bright idea of calling over the nearest person to help.

Ironically enough the nearest person was Joyce when she came out of the office, so my sister made a fool out of herself basically begging Joyce to help.

In the end Joyce joined up after Val had paid her $20 and she helped.

I say helped but what she really did was nothing, she just hosed down the car and got water everywhere.

Though we did get the cars finished quicker, I really wished that Joyce wasn't helping.

She was my mortal enemy and kept aiming little jibes at me that were starting to piss me off.

I wanted nothing more than to punch her in the face but there were small children present so I didn't, plus Valerie and Mary Lou kept warning me to back off her.

So I tried my hardest to ignore her.

It wasn't until I saw two black SUV's and a black Porsche, pull in behind some Trenton cop cars that were lined up to be washed, did Joyce start doing some sort of sexy carwash show. She was currently wearing a tiny little tie up shirt that stopped a couple of centimetres below her breasts exposing her bulging cleavage and tiny bikini bra, and a tiny pair of short shorts. Her flat stomach was on show to everybody along with most of her breasts, and her long tanned legs. She looked slutty hot and she knew it, and she was playing it to the best of her advantage.

Instead of doing the rinsing, she decided to switch to Mary Lou's job, sponging, alongside me.

We were all set different jobs by Val, Mary Lou, now, had to hose down the car, while Val washed the wheels, windows, and the lights, and me and Joyce sponge washed the car, bottom to top.

Except I was doing all of the sponging since Joyce was just taking the sponge and dabbing her body with it, getting her soaked with soapy suds everywhere, also mesmerising the entire male population watching.

The rest of us, who had held minimal attention, were now completely overlooked.

I was wearing rolled up jeans to mid thigh and a white tank top over my new red plaid bikini and my hair was in a loose ponytail. I looked like dog shit compared to Joyce.

I rolled my eyes once more before washing over the nearest car by myself – yet again – taking longer than usual.

Okay, so we were getting a few tips but we were taking longer and by the look of the new massive queue that had appeared, I would be washing cars for a while longer than 5.

"Joyce, come on, this ain't no goddamn strip joint, you've got to wash the damn cars." Mary Lou shouted to her.

Joyce raised an eyebrow at her like she was crazy, "I am washing."

Just not the cars, I wanted to say to her.

I turned into angry bitch in 0.3 seconds and screamed at her, "COME ON JOYCE!"

She rolled her eyes and threw the sponge at me, "Do it yourself."

The sponge hit me right it the face, slopping soapy water all over me.

I wiped the soap out of eyes fast before it was impossible to get out.

"Oops." She muttered to me, Mary Lou and Valerie jumped to restrain me from pounding her fake, powdered, face in.

"Joyce, please, could you help out a little more?" Val said to her politely.

Joyce rolled her eyes and picked up another sponge and bucket gingerly scrubbing down the car. I took a deep breath, counted to ten, and took a sponge and bucket as well.

I tried to stay as far away from her as possible other wise I might have kicked her.

As the next car pulled up Joyce did a little 'drop the sponge routine' to get some more attention, as if she didn't have enough already.

She dropped the sponge, bent down low, sure to flash the driver a good view of her cleavage, before sending him a sexy smile and getting back up again slowly.

As she bend down I managed to accidentally push past her making her trip slightly.

"HEY!" She screeched at me turning into rhino bitch.

"What? I tripped, honest." I said sending her an innocent grin.

She scowled but didn't do anything. I could see revenge gleaming in her eyes though.

We walked towards the car and I saw behind the car was one of Ranger's SUV's, I could see through the windscreen that the driver inside had his head over the steering wheel and his shoulders were shaking with laughter. I think it was Tank because riding shotgun was Hal, who was also laughing at me.

I rolled my eyes; at least they were getting some entertainment from this, why were they even here? Ranger's cars were all sparkling clean.

I started sponging down the car when a waterfall of water was flung at me over the car.

It was the hose.

I stood there, mouth open, completely drenched, my hair now out of the bobble, which had been blown off by the force of the spray, and everywhere.

Joyce appeared around the side of the car with a smirk on her face, and alongside her was Mary Lou holding a hose.

"Oh shit! I am so sorry, Joyce told me you'd finished and it was clear." Mary Lou said looking horrified.

I scowled at her, "Obviously it wasn't."

"Oops my bad," Joyce muttered and I leapt at her only to be held back by Mary Lou.

"Steph, now I'm sure she didn't actually mean it…"

"Didn't mean it my ass, she fucking planned it." I shouted at her.

Joyce put on an expression of mock innocence, "Now Stephanie, there are children present, that language is not expectable – now really!"

Deep breaths Steph, count to 10.

I let out a deep sigh before picking up a sponge and carrying on working.

My hair was hanging in curls in my face, my shirt had now turned see through, my pants were clinging to my thighs, and my sneakers were completely ruined and every time I moved, they made a squelching noise and a little puddle of water escaped from them.

I looked like I had just had a shower in my clothes.

Though I was happy to say, all focus that had been on Joyce was now on me, watching and staring.

She tried her best to get it back but it just didn't go any where.

I smirked at her best efforts and shook my head.

She really was the neighbourhood slut.

We finally finished the current car and got tipped $20.

I thanked the owner and moved on to next one, which was one of Ranger's black SUV's.

Tank was in the window and staring at me, "Don't say a damn word." I said to him as he got out of the truck.

He took one look at my face before smirking slightly, "Okay."

I washed the car with Joyce quickly, trying my hardest to hurry up.

Next up was Ranger's next SUV, with Lester Santos and Bobby Brown in the front.

"Hey." I said to them as they got out, they were both looking at me with raised eyebrow, smirking expressions.

I rolled my eyes, but started on the car. I had a little brain wave when I was washing the car and grabbed the nearby bucket and chucked over the car, knowing that Joyce was on the other side.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I heard her scream and I ran over the other side to see her.

She was completely covered in soapy water, her hair was matted in suds and her clothes were drenched.

I couldn't help but just laugh until she ploughed into me knocking me over.

"GET OFF ME YOU CRAZY BITCH!" I screamed at her as she straddled me holding my hands over my head.

"No, you soaked me, you stupid slut!" she screamed at me.

"You started it!" I said to her before breaking free from her hand restraints and pushing her off me.

"It was an accident." She said smirking as she stood up.

"Accident my ass, you planned it you conniving little…"

"OKAY!" Valerie screamed blocking out my long list of cursing from the kid's ears.

I wouldn't blame her, it wasn't very flattering.

Joyce glared at me and I glared right on back.

Val and Mary Lou walked in front of us and made us get back to work.

I removed my shirt, which was becoming really uncomfortable, and just walked around in my bikini top and my soaked, rolled up pants.

Val quickly hosed down the SUV and Lester and Bobby got back in, laughing so hard they were clutching their stomachs.

I didn't see what was so damn funny anyway.

"What is so goddamn funny?" I screeched at them as they drove away.

I gulped as Ranger pulled up in his Porsche, he was looking damn fine in his black SWAT pants and a tightly stretched tank top. He got out of the car and I walked towards me with a slight grin on his face. He was currently wearing Ray Bans so I couldn't see whether his eyes were dancing with amusement or not.

"Babe" was all he said.

I rolled my eyes, "Why are you getting your car washed? It's hardly dirty." I said to him frowning.

He tipped my chin up slightly, his touch causing a heat rush south, "Just thought I'd help you out, babe. Besides, it's proved to be very…entertaining watching you and Joyce fight."

I rolled my eyes but didn't add anything else.

I just walked over to the Porsche and started washing, alongside a murderous looking Joyce.

Damn.

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We managed to raise a couple of hundred for Trenton PD thanks to everyone's kind tips.

It was safe to say that Trenton PD were more than happy.

The bloody girl scouts got all the praise though even though me and Joyce turned up completely soaked to the bone which might have been a kind of clue as to who was really doing all the work.

So the girl scouts all received little bags of Oreo's and the rest of us received nothing.

I looked at Mary Lou who had the same expression on her face as me,

"Never again," I muttered to her.

"Damn Skippy." She replied grinning at me.

THE END

Authors note: I hope you guys like it, it was only a short (a long short ) and there won't be a sequel or anything. Hope you guys like it. By the way, I love reviews!

HINT Please read and review!