Curse her and her nerve!

I sat on the edge of my bed, my face in my hands, weeping. What was I doing this for? She would never accept me. She would never love me. She had loved Raoul, and she would love another, perhaps. But she would never love me; she had made this clear, again and again.

But then an echo in my head destroyed my stubborn abandon. "Erik…I love you."

Damn this face!

I hit myself hard and dug my hands deep into my flesh, pulling my head down between my legs as I tugged at my skin, as if it would make a difference. I yelled at no one, I tore apart the sheets of my bed, clawing at anything in my path, like a deranged beast.

I was breaking down again. I paced and wept, knocking into my possessions, and taking a bottle of whiskey I had been saving down from the mantle, I drank myself into further delirium.

I was far too old to go on like this, far too young to be condemned to such a fate. I would have her. One way or another. I would make her accept me.

It was late, I could tell by the fact that the house was silent. The hallways were cold; my breath was visible as I crept to her chamber.

I opened the door a crack. She was sleeping peacefully, apparently unshaken by the day's events. I felt myself start to tremble with rage. My vision was blurred, but I could see that she was wearing a very thin night gown and that she had let her hair down for comfort.

I wanted her. I hated her, and yet I wanted her so bad it hurt, and that fueled my rage even more. Lust, anger, desperation and drunkenness were pulling at my barely stable mind, and I was about to break. I had been filled with disappointment to my limit, and far past it. I was threatening to explode.

I had never had a woman. I was close when I was young, with an unknowing gypsy girl, but then the mask had been removed. I was well past middle aged, and I remained a virgin. It was one of my greatest insecurities, and it was screaming in my head as she rolled over onto her back in her sleep, revealing the absolute definition of temptation in my alcohol blurred mind. The thin material tortured me as it delicately caressed her form, her perfect breasts beyond visible.

I intended to rape her.

It was a perfect solution, I decided. I hated her and wanted her, so what else was there?

Erik…

My conscious startled me. The soft voice in my brain sounded remarkably like Nadir…

Oh. So it was Nadir.

He took my arm with a firm grip and led me out of the room, closing the door behind us. I laughed and stumbled as he led me into his own chamber, imagining how sinister I must have looked standing over the sleeping child.

I fell onto his bed, giggling.

"You drunken fool…."

His voice was cold, his eyes full of disgust.

I laughed more,

"Funny, Daroga, I thought your culture encouraged such behavior towards women."

"I have grown since we first met, Erik. It was you who showed me many of the flaws in my own country. You, who said you could never hurt a woman! You are a hypocrite!"

I stopped laughing and got to my feet, suddenly furious, attempting to intimidate the Persian with my height. He stared back at me, infuriated as well.

"Do you have any idea what you were going to do?" He whispered.

"Yes."

"The Erik I know would never- I can't deal with you, one moment you're a perfect gentleman, the next you're the devil himself! The girl adores you Erik, she told us so, why would you do such a horrendous thing?"

I began to cry.

"She doesn't love me! She said she wanted another man, she said she wouldn't want me, she said my face was too repulsive!"

Nadir shook his head.

"You are paranoid, Erik, anyone can see she adores you!"

"She told me she intends to marry another! This afternoon, when she made you leave!"

Nadir sighed.

"Still….you cannot force yourself upon her, its not right!"

"No!" I screamed suddenly, not in response to Nadir but as a response to everything.

I punched his mirror, and the glass shattered all over the room.

"Erik!"

I was beyond reach.

"Nadir, you idiot! How dare you side with her? How dare you!"

I grabbed the front of his shirt and lifted him in the air and slammed him into the wall.

"Erik, let him down!"

Madame Giry hit me square in the back of the head and I crumpled to the floor at last, weeping. I curled up in a ball and hugged my knees as they stood over me, bewildered.

There was silence for a long time.

I sat up and gained my composure to the best of my ability.

"I must leave your home now." I stood up and stumbled for the door.

Nadir threw his hands in the air. "Don't be stupid, Erik, it's just as much your home."

"Don't either of you dare forgive me this time!"

Madame Giry rushed over.

"Erik, please, relax, you're very, very drunk. Lie down dear, you aren't yourself at all."

I surrendered, and allowed myself to be led to my room. As I was helped into my bed, I made a vow to myself that this was the end. I had fallen so far, there was nowhere to go but back up. It would be a long, slow climb, but I had to. There was no other choice. Living this way hurt far too much.

I had to give up on Christine.