The Pain I feel
Chapter 2: Hatred, Pain and Love
By: Kawaii-Leena
Disclaimer: I do not own FF7. They belong to Square! Period!
Wai! Thank you for the reviews, everyone! I'm so flattered! Yay! Hehehe! And thanks to the following people who have started to support me:
Atomicsquid: Thank you for reviewing, though I don't perfectly understand your review. Thanks anyways!
CrimsonRed: Wai! Thanks so much for thinking my story is quite dramatic! That's an improvement for me, you know!
FF7 Fanatic: Yay! My very best reviewer! I Love CloTi, too! They're the best forever! But it's sad though that there are more Cleris Fics more than CloTi… oh well! Thanks for adding this! It makes my day!
KiwiFroot: Eek! Well, sorry to say this, but I MIGHT disappoint you a bit… but not really. This story is kind of what you said. Thanks for the review!
Inwez 247: You have to see that yourself in this chapter! Thanks!
Justme2004: Arigato Gozaimasu! Don't worry, I'll try to keep them all updated!
And now, the heartbreaking second chapter!
Chapter 2:
Hatred, Pain, and Love
I sigh as I sit beside the piano in my room hours after the wedding. It's finally over… my life is already ruined… I have lost Cloud Strife, the one my heart loves so much, forever, to Aeris. Why is life so unfair? Do I deserve to be just left out like this? Ignored? Abandoned?
I shake my head sadly. How can I ever know? I sigh again as I put my slender fingers in the piano keys, then, played my favorite piece, Moon River. It's such a nice song… and pretty sad, too. Soon, vast memories filled my mind…
Memories with Cloud…
There was this time when many years ago, I discovered he had a crush on me. I was overwhelmed with joy. Of course, who wouldn't? He was so cute, but I felt really guilty to just ignore him like that… he doesn't deserve it, but who is to blame? Whenever I go over to him, crazy fan boys would interrupt me, gaining my attention, and my dad, too…
And then the time when I was walking in the mountains of Mount Nibel (is that right? Correct me if I am wrong.). My mother died at that time, and many told me she was seen at the certain mountain. So, I went there, ignoring the warnings. And you know what? Cloud came and followed me… it was so nice of him!
But of course, I was the one who was foolish at that time. I went to the cliff and fell down. I felt like it was the end of my life. I closed my eyes, waiting for the fall, and when I opened them, I saw Cloud falling after me!
I questioned myself, if we went up to go after me, tried to save me, does it mean he has feelings for me, too? Or is it just a little bit of worried friendly emotion? It went years for me to answer that question, and till the end, I still don't know.
Then, the well memory… to me, it is the most beautiful memory I have with him… I always vow to myself I will always remember that for the rest of my life, especially the promise he gave me… but now, I question myself…
Was the promise worth keeping?
Do I still need to wait for him to rescue me from this horrible feeling of being abandoned and ignored? Do I have to wait for him to get me out from this pit of darkness where I already am?
He said once that he will rescue me whenever I am in a bind… but did he come? Did he came and saved me? No… he never did, and never will… he came to Miss Aeris Gainsborough instead and left me in one corner all by myself, my heart falling to pieces like a glass shattered on the floor!
Why, Cloud…? Why? Why must you let me fall in love with you? Maybe you shouldn't have ever showed up in my face in the first place… then that way… maybe I can just forget all that happened, but no… my heart never agreed with me…
It longed for you, ached for you, tried to reach you, but you never did look in my way after that. You never gave my love for you even just one chance. Ever since Aeris came to your life, all my dreams slowly faded away like a gust of wind passing by, carrying it little by little as you also slowly started to have feelings for the pretty flower girl.
I stopped playing and hung my head low, my tears passing by through my crimson eyes. "Oh, Cloud! Why must you be taken away from me?" I cried hard, my tears continue on flowing. "What does Aeris have that I don't? Why can't you just give me a chance to show my love for you? Don't you know it hurts?"
I touched my left side of my chest as the tears roll by my cheeks, "It hurts here, Cloud… my heart… it hurts here. It's so much that I can't take it anymore…" I put my hand to my sides and continued to sob, "Even just a girl, I was always full of dreams… I had dreams for my mom and dad, to my friends; I even have dreams of trying to make Nibelhiem a much more peaceful place… even you, Cloud… I have dreams for you, for both of us!"
"But everything was taken away! My mom died, my dad was killed, my friends were tortured to death, my town was burned… don't you know it's just too much for me to handle?" she looks at Cloud's picture with red and puffy eyes. "You were my only family left Cloud, other than Barret and Marlene… but… but…"
I never finished what I was saying; instead, I broke down to my knees and cried loudly, speaking my pain together with my sobs of agony. Life is so cruel…so harsh… it's so unpredictable… when you know you are just about to get what you truly want, what you heart needs, Fate gives a second thought and reverse it, giving me pain than joy.
Then, I looked up and wiped away my foolish tears. I reached for my red diary and my pen, and started to write something…
August 20, (something)
Dear Diary,
You know what? My two best friends, Cloud Strife and Aeris Gainsborough just got married! And I'm so happy for them that I just want to cry! Really, I'm happy for them that they have found their happiness, and chose their paths for their future with a smile, but it hurts, Dear Diary… it hurts so much inside.
It's as if everything is a blur. When you feel hurt, everything that surrounds you seems to disappear and only focus on yourself and the feeling that is throbbing inside you. All through the wedding, I could only think of how much Cloud had given me a pain that I will always remember all through my life.
And Aeris… she knew I loved Cloud so much, gushes whenever I hear his name, but she continued on marrying him, ignoring how much she betrayed me. It's as if she acts like I'm not there, pretends that I ever love Cloud…
But who is it to blame?
Who am I to interfere a wedding and true love?
If I tried to stop the wedding, Cloud would probably laugh at my face, Aeris laughing together with him, but I know that won't happen probably. But you know what, dear Diary? I hate myself.
I hate being a coward! I hate myself for not being like Aeris! I hate myself for not being perfect enough for my childhood friend. It feels like my heart is slowly shattering to pieces, one after another. Second by second, I feel myself getting numb, feel myself being drowned by a feeling I could not describe.
And so, I have decided, to end all of this. I would probably be just another pest of Cloud's life. I really don't want to do this, but what can I do? I have nothing else here anymore…
Cloud; if you ever are reading this, I want you to know that I have cherished all of the things we have gone through together. Thank you for the memories that you shared with me, the tears we shed together. I also want you know, that even though you probably have the eyes for another woman,
I love you.
Truly yours,
Tifa Lockheart
I smiled sadly as I closed the book of my diary, putting the pen to its side, my tears already falling once again. I have closed another chapter of my horrible life, and I won't continue it no more. What's the use of living life when you don't even have anything you wish for?
I opened a random drawer and put out a knife, a sharp, steady and reliable knife. I smiled sadly again and looked around the room, cherishing it all for the last time before my goodbye. Then, in an instant, I was gone.
(After 2 hours)
CLOUD'S POV:
I hummed to myself as I sit down in the sofa with my usual clothes, smiling as I smell the delicious cooking of my lovely married wife, Aeris Gainsborough – Strife. Ah… the good feeling of being with the one you love. Yesterday was probably the best day of my life, and later tonight will be another pleasurable moment (wink; wink)
But, there's this feeling in my heart where something is missing, something not right, something that went wrong. Something was telling me to look back, trying to tell me that I have chose the wrong path, and a feeling something bad will happen.
Aw, who cares? I'm already with Aeris and that's what matters, right?
Right!
As I continue to imagine a life together with Aeris, speaking of her, my wife suddenly runs up to me with a paled and sweaty face, her emerald eyes filled with worry. Behind her was their old comrade, who has the same expression on his face, Barret.
"Aeris…? What's wrong?" I ask, calming her down, caressing her soft arm. "Why are you so pale? Why is Barret here? Is something wrong?"
The emerald-eyed angel looks at me in the eye and says in a scared voice, "C-Cloud… t-there's s-something wrong! I-it's Ti –" before my wife could say anything else, her eyes closed for a swift second and her body fell into my arms.
"AERIS! Are you okay?" I exclaimed as I caught her. There, I realized she fainted. I tried rocking her but to no affect. I checked her pulse… good, it's still pumping normal. I looked up to Barret as I lay Aeris to the sofa, "What's going on?"
My old friend pauses for a moment, then says with the same tone of voice as of Aeris, "It's Tifa, Cloud."
Hearing my childhood friend's name, this caught all my attention and I walked closer one step to Barret and looked at him in the eye, "What is it? I hope it's nothing bad… I –"
"It IS something bad, Cloud, and I'm serious," Barret says in a pissed tone, his voice roaring around the house. Hearing this, I quickly shut up and lend him my ears… and deep inside, I was hoping Tifa's okay. "Cloud, I hate to say this, but, Tifa's nowhere in Nibelhiem."
My eyes widen in shock. I can't believe it, Tifa's gone? Not a single trace here in Nibelhiem? Impossible! She might be at 7th heaven, or taking a walk around the town, or maybe have gone to an adventure, or, or…
Noticing my speechless of words, Barret says in a sad voice, "She's not in her bar, Cloud. Yuffie and Vincent checked there just earlier. Red and Cait Sith is searching for her in the rest of the town, and Cait Sith just reported she's nowhere in sight. I went to her house and found it unlocked… you know that Tifa wants everyone to respect her privacy, yeah? And it's unusual for her to leave her house door open like that."
"Then where the hell is she?" I asked, yelling. Barret didn't reply and looked away. "Don't give me that as an answer, Barret! She can't be gone!" I paused for a while, then, I decided. I'll go search for her, then!
I picked up my jacket and run out of the house, yelling as I continued, "Barret! Keep Aeris safe, okay?" Then, after that, I run through the Nibelhiem streets, searching for only one certain person.
"Tifa, please, be alright…" I mutter silently to myself. "You have to be okay… wherever you are, please stay alright… I don't know what will happen if I… we lose you…"
I continued running, Tifa in my mind, wondering where she could be. As I reached her house, I found it unlocked. I bit my lower lip and run inside to her room.
As I enter, I found it once again empty, without a soul inside. I searched around, looking for clues. "Where could Tifa be?" I mutter to myself. I searched for a few minutes, looking behind curtain, below tables, finding if there would be anything that can give me a hint where I can find her.
"This is useless!" I exclaimed to myself after minutes of worthless searching. As I sit down on the bed, one thing caught my eye.
Tifa's Diary.
I stared intensely at it. It was starting to draw into me; it's as if it's calling me to read it. But this is… Tifa's diary. Of course, I respect her privacy! But what can I do? This might be the only way for me to find her.
"Tifa, please, forgive me for what I will do," I whisper to myself as I reach down to pick it up. Giving a silent breath, I opened it and started reading.
May 21…
Dear Diary…
To be continued…
Watch out for the next chapter, folks! Remember to review!