The Pain I Feel
Chapter 3: Blinded Memories
By: KawaiiLeena
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Copyright of Square Enix.
Hello to all... it's been such a while since I updated, ne? Anyways, I am SO sorry for the long wait, as you can see, I'm very busy with school activities and such and I've been quite lazy to write anything... but for now, I will try and update this story that I've started!
Maud: Hahaha! You're so cute! Here's your update, and thanks for reviewing!
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Once again, I'm very sorry for those you waited for so long for this chapter... Please, accept my apology! Now, enjoy the chapter!
Chapter 3: Blinded Memories
Cloud's POV
I stared at Tifa's diary, which was lying on the table, with my blue intensive eyes. The Red little notebook with a black pen quietly beside it, it was really drawing out to me. Silently. Magically. It might be my imagination or in some sort of telepathy, to which I'll just dismiss, but it's as if I could feel it yelling through my ear that I should open it, read the entries and trespass Tifa's thoughts.
And seriously, if you ask me, I don't want to do that! No matter how many times someone will force me, I don't have the courage to just butt in someone's private thoughts. Especially if the latter concerns my childhood friend, Tifa Lockheart.
But, even though I try to resist the feeling, the diary is still calling out to me quietly. Damn it, I just don't know what to do! Tifa's missing, not a trace of her flesh left in this small room, and the only clue to where she has gone is written in this small notebook to which she calls her diary. And the worse part is, I just can't read it without permission! That would be such a sin to my conscience!
But then, what should I do? I'm in the middle of a bad situation, and I don't have any other choice to decide to! Turning again to the silent object lying like a well-behaved student, I reached over and whispered to myself, "Tifa, please... forgive me for what I will about to do..."
The diary was now in my hands, I could feel it. I could touch it. The thick textures of the cover somehow creeps me out, but there is nothing else that I can do.
I have to do this. I have to! Closing my eyes, I whisper to myself, "For the sake of finding Tifa..." And with the flip of one hand, I opened the book, and the blinding light of the flexible writings of Tifa welcomed me. Seeing her smooth penmanship always amazed me. The way she writes, so crisp, smooth, strong...
Shaking my head, I blocked over my thoughts and skipped a few pages. One entry caught my attention though...
February 21...
Dear Diary,
You know what? Something so horrible happened today... truly horrible, truly shocking... one of my best friends, Aeris Gainsborough, was killed by that damn bastard Sephiroth! That was so evil of him! I can't believe that he would do such a horrible thing, isn't there any goodness in him! He is so selfish! Why is he even like that? Why would he kill such an innocent and pure soul, such as Aeris?
The worse part is... my other best friend, and the person that I love so much, Cloud Strife, seems to be taking most of the effect of the tragedy... and it hurts me to see that... it truly hurts me... I always knew that he gave a liking to Aeris... the bubbly flowergirl, and I can't help but feel a little tint of jealousy!
Isn't that weird? I'm jealous over a dead girl. I'm jealous over a killed best friend. Queer. Strange. But I can't help myself, goddamn it! What would you feel if the one you love is giving more attention to the other girls of his life? I know, it's selfish of me. It's unlike of me, but what can I do? What should I feel? Happy? Jump up and down for joy? I can't put myself to do that...
And now... I wonder... what if I was the one killed in Aeris' place? What if I was the one stabbed by Sephiroth's blade? What if I was the one being struck by this horrible tragedy?
Would Cloud cry?
Would Cloud embrace my body in his arms and promise to avenge me?
Would Cloud give me the attention like he is giving to my best friend?
Sometimes... I wish that I was the one killed instead... Sometimes... I wish that I wasn't Tifa Lockheart at all... Sometimes... I just wish that Cloud would love me like I love him...
Truly,
Tifa Lockheart
I stared. I didn't move. I was so shocked by the words and thoughts Tifa used to make that entry. My heart is pounding against my chest, is this real? Is Tifa telling the truth about these things? The way she wrote this entry seems very emotional... If these are real, true, assuredly honest feelings...
Then does that mean that Tifa like me? That she sees me more than a friend? I can't believe it, why haven't I realized that? I closed my eyes and thought about things for a while. I let my muscles relaxed and made my mind ease. I'm so confused... I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do... Okay, inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale... relax, Cloud... don't tense up...
I have to think things through... here goes... I do admit, I love Tifa, I really do! But I only love her as I would to a best friendor to a dear sister. I appreciated her whole being as a person like I appreciated everybody else. Okay, maybe I do love her more than what I just stated, but that was years ago; that feeling already faded away. Or in other words, that emotion is already over. Things change and feelings go to different directions.
Or... maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I do love her more than that. Maybe I'm just lying to myself, denying my own feelings, because I really did loved her before... is the feeling coming back? No! I'm already married to Aeris! I shouldn't think like this! But... what if... argh! I don't know, I just don't know! Damn it, why should this happen to me in all people?
I shake my head a little roughly and opened my eyes, exposing my tired blue eyes. I'm just so confused, puzzled... I don't know what to act or say about this situation! What should I think? What should I say? I'm stuck between two people I love and I'm having second thoughts about my marriage...
Marriage. With Aeris...
It's shameful to say it, but... I suddenly don't like the ring to it. Having a marriage with Aeris doesn't seem that exciting to hear anymore... what am I saying? I love Aeris! What in the hell is happening to me? Aeris is my wife, my adorable wife! God, I shouldn't be too affected by just one entry...
Maybe Tifa is just bluffing? Yeah, she's just bluffing, she must be! I mean, she never really gave much attention to me or never really gave much hints that she likes me, so... she is probably just kidding around with this entry. Like, she's quite bored and decided to joke around.
Yeah, that must be it.
Sighing, I flipped a few pages, and once again, I was caught by a blinding light of one entry. Getting over the pounding of my chest, I took a deep breath and started reading...
May 21...
Dear Diary,
We defeated Sephiroth a month ago, and it all came by so fast. I felt like yesterday was when everything came crashing down like a landslide, but now, we defeated HIM. The ultra-famous evildoer Sephiroth. Sure, I'm glad it's all over. I'm glad everyone has found everlasting peace and freedom, but... I just can't help myself but feel... empty... sad... depressed... everything! I feel so nothing!
We may have defeated Sephiroth, but we have lost one friend. Life is blackmailing us! It will give us something, and we have to give away another valuable person in return! Why is life so unfair? Why is Fate so utterly cruel? Why is it that Destiny is taking its own course and seems not to be caring about what we feel, our reactions, our own emotions? Dammit!
I hate it like this! I hate situations like this! I feel like I want to cry, I want to scream so loud that everyone can hear me! Why? Since Aeris is gone, I also feel... Cloud is gone, too... he's so distant... so dazed... so...
I don't know! Goddamn it! He's always out there, looking at the sky, daydreaming, blaming himself for Aeris' death! Aeris! Aeris! Aeris! It's always Aeris! It's always that flowergirl! It's always that Cetra! It's always HER!
Cloud... please... why not me? I'm not trying to be demanding or anything, but... why can't you understand that... Aeris isn't the only girl in the world? That there's more to seek than Aeris...? It's not that I am discouraging you to like her anymore, but... I'm just so depressed to see you getting all hanged out like this... and... it hurts me to see you love another girl while I'm here behind you loving you also...
It really hurts me Cloud, if you only knew... countless nights crying by myself, wondering what I went wrong in the past... blaming myself for not being perfect for you... do you know why I'm like this Cloud? Because I love you... I really do love you... but instead of snatching you away from Aeris, I'm right here, letting you be... taking most of the pain... sacrificing my feelings... suffering...
But now, since Aeris is gone, everything is worse than it should be! You're so distant Cloud! So dazed! It seems you're not the Cloud I know... Cloud, at least let me comfort you... tell you everything would be alright... let me tell you that everything will be solved soon... at least let me show you that I care for you, Cloud...
Please...
Truly,
Tifa Lockheart
I blinked. I blinked one more time. I couldn't believed my eyes again, and this time, I felt a pain in my chest. I pain that I couldn't describe, it was as if I was sharing Tifa's suffering. Tifa... how... I mean... I... no...
And from that moment, I felt fresh streams of water flowed from my blue eyes...
To be continued...
OMG! I'm so sorry for the 7 month no update session! I already posted my excuse above, so hope you forgive me...next up: the 2nd part of this chapter!