-1Disclaimer: only Kitty is mine!

Kitty Von Trite opened her violet eyes and blinked in confusion. Surely this was a dream? After being knocked out by the burly man who had attacked her in the alleyway the night before, she had woken to find herself in a peaceful forest, with only her ipod and a Knapsack emblazoned with LINKIN PARK ROX! Her long, shiny, ebony hair was slightly messy and her ivory skin smudged with dirt - although in a way that did nothing to detract from her beauty. Getting to her feet, she reached for the Samauri sword that she always kept beneath her coat. For you see, Kitty was no ordinary girl - she was an assassin.

Hers was a tragic tale, and the cause for the sorrow that occasionally darkened her sparkling eyes. When she was only five years old her parents had been brutally butchered by a gang of evil horse smugglers, their sole aim in life to capture Raven, the black horse that had been gifted to Kitty on her fifth birthday by her mysterious uncle. Kitty adored the horse, as she had her uncle Gandal… cough, Jim, and she alone could control it. Sometimes she could almost imagine the stallion understood her thoughts. Luckily the cruel orphanage that she was sent to happened to have stables on the premises (as well as several tutors who abused her in various deviant and evil ways, which I'll leave to your imagination). Adopted at the age of twelve, she was trained in the fine art of killing by a man who, despite being a great and powerful crime-lord, was sadly ignorant of the fact that teenaged girls do not make the best choice when it comes to taking out hardened criminals. Several years of traumatic pain and angst followed, as did a brief period of self-harm. Eventually Kitty found love in the arms of Kevin - a fellow assassin with a love of topiary and messy hair. For several sweet months Kitty knew what it was to be loved (and had a lot of orgasms), but sadly such peace was not to last. One night on an undercover mission they were ambushed by a band of sugar-high bandits and Kevin was tragically killed defending his one true love. Weeping over his prone body, Kitty vowed to herself that she would never love again.

Wow, he looks hot, thought Kitty as she watched a man with dark curly hair pull up his stallion beside her. Yet I shall retain my don't mess-with-me vulnerability and wait until at least chapter three to get into his pants.

"What do you want?" She snarled, brandishing her sword with a skill that would rival Arthur and even intimidate Tristan. "And for that matter where am I?"

"Lady?" Lancelot looked at the strange creature with bemusement. "Why are you in the middle of nowhere and dressed like a harlot?"

"That's not how it goes." Kitty threw down her sword in disgust. "You're supposed to admire my creamy thighs and heaving cleavage. Then we get into a fight with Saxons or Woads and I save your life."

Lancelot laughed. "I've been fighting here for fifteen years - a slip of a girl isn't exactly much threat. The chances of you saving my life are pretty slim - besides you won't be allowed to fight here anyway. This might be a movie-verse fan fiction, but the suffragette movement is a good few centuries away."

"But…" Kitty's violet eyes flashed with anger. "I'm a beautiful, feisty girl with an angsty past. I have amazing fighting skills and a way of insulting authority figures without them punching me."

"You are also at risk at being burnt as a witch." Lancelot looked her over thoughtfully. "Do I have to sleep with you or is this a tragic death story?"

The sudden twang of an arrow interrupted their conversation . Gasping with pained yet courageous breaths, Kitty grasped the arrow embedded in her chest and lifted a pale hand to Lancelot's face.

"Don't forget me love…"

"'course I won't." Turning away, he watched Tristan canter up.

"Another one?" The scout asked with disgust.

"Yup. I think they've been breeding. Had to kill four already today, and Galahad's locked himself in the tack room and won't come out."

"Wuss."

The girl with the golden hair and emerald eyes described it as "misunderstood shyness."

"I take it you took care of her." Lancelot gave a grin.

"Of course. Pity they take so bloody long to die though - You haven't known torment until you've listened to Crystal Skylark in her death agonies. The bloody woman wouldn't shut up!"

"Ah well, at least neither of us had to have comfort sex with them. There's nothing more disconcerting than a girl who weeps all over you at the point of orgasm."

"Very true."

A rustle in the bushes made them both jump, and they reached for their weapons.

"Is it dead?" The blond elf picked his way daintily out of the forest and looked warily at the body on the ground. "I've only just escaped a badly written o/c fic that paired me with one of the Power Rangers, I'm really not in the mood for this."

"It's ok Legolas, it's dead. Unless this some odd cross-over slash story then we're fine." Lancelot grinned and grasped his horses' reins. "Lets go back home."

The three men wandered back to Hadrians wall, pulling their horses behind them. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, and as the sun slid below the horizon, there was only only one question that disturbed the tranquillity.

"Ever fancied a threesome Tristan?"