Chapter Four

Helga and Meatloaf

Helga Osterhoudt sat glumly on her white bed sheets, her squashed, almost pig-like face shrouded by the darkness of her cell. It was lonesome in jail, especially when you had no cellmate to lament to, and such was the case Helga Osterhoudt found herself facing.

She was stoutly built, her light hair tied into braids on either side of her head. Her giant brown eyes, pug nose, plump lips, and large mole filled up half of her face. The other half consisted of two furry caterpillars for eyebrows and her creased forehead. She was a rather dim person, but also very emotional—like the Hulk in Scandinavian, female, non-green form. And that was how she derived her nickname, Helga the Hulk.

Helga sighed from her perch on the top bunk. The mattress was quite pitiful, and the springs could hardly support her weight. But it was what she had to deal with.

"I am so alone!" she cried in her deep voice and thick accent, the combination of which might have made her sound dimwitted to others.

"Oy, Helga!" It was the security guard who patrolled the hallways at night.

"Yes, Horace?" she asked, leaning to the side and peering out the bars of her cell.

"You have a new friend. Came in today…"

"Vreally?"

"Yes, vreally. Bring 'er o'er."

Helga sat up completely, the bed sagging even more. She looked excitedly out of the room, searching for her new cellmate.

The woman came around the corner, dressed in a baggy orange jumper like Helga's, only Helga's was almost too small and this jumper was obviously too large for this woman. Her brunette hair was ruffled and there were purple bags hanging below her brown eyes. She almost looked nauseous.

"Hello!" Helga cheerfully said. "My name is Helga. You are going to be my new cellmate! Von't this be fun?"

The new woman offered a faint grin as the cell gate was slammed behind her.

"I am from Sveden." Helga declared, jumping off the bed and coming up to the newcomer.

"Then what are you doing in an American jail cell?" the woman asked, sweeping past Helga to the bottom bunk.

"I don't know. I come to this country and then POOF!"

"Poof?" Sara raised an eyebrow at her as she brushed her hand along the sheets.

"Yes! POOF!"

The new woman paused, examining Helga for a moment. "Poof?"

"YES! POOF! I am telling you! I just went POOF!"

"What happened before you went poof?" She sat down on the bed and it gave a soft creak.

"Vell, I vas out to dinner vith my new…how you say? Boyfriend. And I vas saying goodnight to 'im and then—POOF!"

"Enough with the POOF! What happened? You couldn't have just gone poof!"

"Vell, I gave 'im a very big hug! Like this!"

She bounded over to the Sara and wrapped her large arms around her shoulders and squeezed, lifting her up and off her bed.

"You see? Like this! And then I think I heard something go 'crack!'"

"Ow! THAT would be my BACK!"

"Oops. I am so sorry. But that is vat I did! And then POOF!"

"I told you! Enough with the poof! You must have been charged with assault or battery or something…" the woman gasped, for Helga's arms were still wrapped in a vice grip around her, squeezing the breath out of her.

"Oh. That is vat the judge vas talking about on that big ol' stand of 'is? I never knew. But that is just silly! All I did was give him a big hug! Like this!" She squeezed the newcomer more, who let out a strangled sound.

"Helga!" she wheezed.

"Yes?"

"Let go!"

"Vat? Oh. Okay."

Helga released her hold, and the newcomer took in a giant breath as she came free and crumpled onto the lower bunk.

"So…vat is your name?"

"Sara."

"Oh. That is a nice name. Are ve going to be bestest friends?

Sara blinked. "Umm…friends?"

"Yes! Friends, you silly goose!

"Umm…define friends."

"Oh, I like you already! You are so funny! You know, friends! Pals! Buddies! Vat else is there to call it?"

Sara blinked again and flopped into a lying position, as if finally giving up on life and just lying down to wilt away into death.

"When do we get fed?" she mumbled.

"It is almost time for dinner. Meatloaf and asparagus! Vith cheese! But I do not like the asparagus…nobody does…it is a disgusting piece of vermin. Disgusting! I do not know vhy the even bother to serve it!"

Sara pulled the cotton pillow closer to her.

"Well I think the same about meatloaf. It's disgusting." She sat up, looking thoughtful. Then her face broke into a smile.

"Sara? Vat is it you are thinking? Your teeth are showving. I do not like it ven that happens. It frightens me. Vat are you thinking?"

"Helga, let's make a deal. If you can give me all your asparagus, I'll give you all my meatloaf."

Helga's eyes widened. "You? You vill actually give avay the sacred meatloaf to me?" Then suddenly she ran forward and picked Sara up in her arms again, squeezing her for a third time.

"OH! You are the bestest person! I love you! You are my best friend! I am so happy you are giving me your meatloaf! Oh Sara, if I could only repay you!"

Sara emitted some strangled noises.

"Vat? Vat are you trying to say?" Helga pulled Sara away from herself, holding her up from the ground by her shoulders. "Speak to me, friend!"

"You could start by not hugging me…"

"Oh. Okay." Helga set Sara back on the ground. "I vill not hug you anymore. Helga vill be good."

"Thanks…"

An hour later, Sara and Helga, and all surrounding inmates in their cells stood with paper plates in there hands, leaning out the bars of their cages, awaiting food. A woman in a white uniform and a grouchy expression walked up the hallway, pushing a cart. On that cart was a large jug of water, a tub of meatloaf, and a tub of asparagus with cheese.

"Order up," she said in a cigarette-worn voice. She scooped up a blob of meatloaf and put it on Sara's plate. Sara's lip curled.

"Don't whine, missy!" She smacked Sara on the head with the spoon, glaring at her. "And I want all of the asparagus eaten. ALL OF IT!" She forked an enormous pile of asparagus onto Sara's plate and Sara pretended to look disgusted.

"Evening Helga," the woman said, plopping the same goopy meat onto her plate and the same enormous scoop of asparagus next to it.

"That is Miss Vallheim. She does not seem very nice, but in truth she is just cranky." Helga watched the old woman walk away before turning to Sara who was staring at the asparagus with a manic grin on her face. "She's gone. Are you vready to do the trading thing?"

Sara nodded and scraped her meatloaf onto Helga's plate, at the same time that Helga scraped her asparagus onto Sara's.

"Er…how you people say it? Dig in!"

Sara went and sat on her bed, picking up a stalk of asparagus dripping in cheese. She lowered the head into her mouth and instantly began to consume the rest of the vegetable. Helga forked the meatloaf into her mouth.

"How is that asparagus, Sara?" Helga asked when she finished her meatloaf. Sara had only gotten a couple of stalks down.

Sara's head snapped to Helga.

"Mine," She said flatly.

"I know that, but does that asparagus taste good? I hope so. That meatloaf was very—"

"YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!" Sara screeched. She dashed over to the corner of the room, shoveling more in.

"But…but I just gave it to. I told you, I don't vant it. Are you all right?"

Sara glared. "Fine."

"Yes, but are you sure you're all right?"

Sara blinked, looking around.

"Umm…did…did I just spaz out right then?" she asked shakily, standing up.

"Yes! If that is vat you call it! I was only trying to be nice to my bestest friend, asking if you liked your vegetables or not and you became so rude!"

"Helga, I'll explain the situation to you later, all right? It's this…issue I have…I don't know what started it. Do I…do I get a phone call at all?"

"One phone call a day! At noon!" Helga cried angrily. She took in a dramatic breath. "I hope you get out of here soon! You are not nice at all! I'm going to sleep! I suggest you do the same!"

Helga walked over to a sink and pulled out a brush. She attacked her hair, ripping it through them forcefully. Sara sighed, setting her asparagus away under the bed for later. She was exhausted. Getting taken to jail can really take it out of you. She pulled the sheets over herself, settling in as best she could on the thin mattresses. She heard Helga cross the room and clamber up the ladder. Then an enormous creak sounded and the mattress above Sara's head sagged down to a couple inches above her head.

"What the—" She sat up, but hit her head on the bottom of Helga's mattress. "Ouch!"

"GOODNIGHT!"

"Sorry…goodnight Helga…"