Disclaimer: They're not mine. The Great Flanneled One owns them, I just mangle them terribly. Also, I don't own Red Dwarf, Mr. Flibble, or Rimmer's red gingham dress. Or noodles, for that matter. And for anyone who hasn't thought that they look lightsabers at any point in their lives... shame on you.
A/N: This was originally in the form of a cartoon, but I decided to type it up for no apparent reason. If you flame for just... plain... wierdness... it's not Anij's fault, she had nothing to do with this. At all. She's busy with NSTS, writing chappy 12. WARNING: Supreme late-night randomness ensues, involving chibis, noodles, family, authors, and Force-ghosts. No Jedi, penguins, or hobbits were harmed in the writing of this fanfic. (Gungans are a different matter)
What REALLY happened on Mustafar
(Obi-Wan and Padme have landed, Anakin idiotically throttled Padme, Obi and Ani are about to start dueling)
Anakin: Obi-Wan, can't you see? The Dark Side is far more powerful! You could have anything you want, any power!
Obi-Wan: The Darkness is evil! Don't follow it, Anakin!
Anakin: But to me the Jedi are evil!
Obi-Wan: You know, sometimes I'd agree with that.
Anakin: huh! That's not in the script.
Obi-Wan: Shut up and lemme continue. I agree that the Council can be a wee bit restrictive at times, like my Master did.
Anakin: Hey! I knew he was good for something!
Obi: Hush. As I was saying... We are all kept under strict limitations, all forbidden to love... I was forbidden from ever visiting or seeing my wife. I resented the Council for-
Ani: HOLD ON! Waaiiit... you're married?(gasp) WHO! OMGWTFBBQ! w00t! That's, like SOOO totally awesome! OMG!
That means that you can't POSSIBLY get me in trouble with the Council for marrying Padme!
Obi: (palm to forehead) prep... Force help me. First off... You killed the Council. You can't argue with them any more.
Ani: Ohhh yeaaaaaah! Cool! Now we can all be married together!
Obi: (raises eyebrow) Padawan- shut up.
Ani: But wait... who was it? Was it a Jedi? I knew you and Master Secura were-
Obi: SHADDUP! It- it wasn't a Jedi. She was a slave woman- from Tatooine.
Ani: Yeah, that's just freaky weird. I have an insane Master... why couldn't you have died instead of Qui-Gon?
Obi: (glares)
Ani: erm... just kidding, Master. Wait... hold your banthas... a slave woman from Tatooine? Did I know her?
Obi: (blushes) Did you ever wonder where you got so many midichlorians from?
Ani: Noooo... uhhh... HOLY SITHSPIT! Pleasenopleasenopleasenopleaseno... don't let this mean what I think it means...
Obi: Yes. Master Yoda never told you. I am your father, Anakin.
Ani: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Anakin breaks off into multiple simultaneous reactions)
Evil Ani: It can't be true... I HATE YOU! THE JEDI ARE EVIL! (gives Obi-Wan evil Sith glare)
Emotional Cute Ani:Awww... all this time, throughout my life, I had no father. It was so hard back home... and in the Temple, you were the closest thing to a father that I had. (runs and hugs Obi-Wan) I LOVE YOU, DADDY!
Little kid Ani: EEEWWWW! That is SICK and WRONG! You... and my mother! (slaps Obi-Wan) PERVERT!
Obi: Owwww... Methinks we have a bit of a MPD problem here.
Ani: (Comes back to one personality, the evil Sithy one) But it matters not. I have a new Master now, i serve the Sith. You don't matter to me.
Obi: I'm hurt, Anakin, that really stings.
Ani: Aww, don't go sentimental, you might stop me from going all evil-Sithy-dark, and THAT would sure ruin the story.
(Far away, in a small editing room, we see George Lucas smashing his head against a computer)
Obi: So be it. Shall we make the weird guy in the flannel shirt happy, then?
Ani: Yes, Master. (both draw lightsabers)
(INSERT BATTLE OF THE HEROES HERE)
Author: C'mon, you've already seen it. If not, why the Force are you reading this?
Ani&Obi: HEY! This is our moment of glory! How dare you edit this out? DIE, EVIL AUTHOR, DIE!
Author: ...
(Ani and Obi scream and run after author with lightsabers out, and end up hacking her to little pieces for mangling their story, then continue fighting..)
(EXCITING BATTLE ENDS)
Obi: Anakin! I have the high ground! You can't win!
Anakin: Yes I can.
Obi: No, Padawan, you can't.
Ani: Can tooooooo.
Obi: Cannot.
Ani: Can too.
Obi: Cannot.
Ani: Can too.
Obi: Cannot.
Ani: Can too.
(continues for several more hours)
Author: Hey guys! Look up!
(they look up to see that the author randomly appeared on the ledge above them)
Ani and Obi: NOT YOU AGAIN! GAAAAAAH!
Author: heheheheh... I'm back. And THIS time, I have help.
Ani: Waitasecond. We killed you. How'd ya get back here?
Obi: She's a Force-ghost, you idiot. You say you have help this time... I'm scared. Not really. What can a pathetic ghost do?
(author grins evilly)
Ani: Ummm... Master? I'm scared now. Like reallllllly scared.
Obi: Shuttup, O Small Dark person. There's nothing that she can do to us... (notices a shape behind author. Then notices who it is...)
Obi: MASTER QUI-GON? What are you doing here?
Author: He's a Force-ghost, just like me. Haha. I win.
Qui-Gon: There's a lesson you must learn, my Padawan. Never upset the author of your story, who knows what she'll do to you.
(suddenly Obi-Wan is wearing a red and white checkered gingham dress with a frilly apron, pigtails, and is holding a penguin hand puppet.)
Obi: Mr. Flibble is very cross... (shakes head, normal tunic is returned) What the Force? How'd you...
Author: Don't EVER question your author again. MWAHAHAHAHA!
Qui: Calm down. Concentrate at the matter at hand.
Author: Oh. Right. Anyways, since we're dead, there's no longer any problem with wanting to seek revenge. If you'll wait just a moment...
(Qui-Gon and Author start to meditate in the Force, Anakin and Obi, idiotically, do nothing except watch them.)
Obi: Mesa got a baaaaad feelin' 'bout this...
(Jar Jar appears, Anakin and Obi-Wan hack his limbs off and push him into the lava, watching him burn. However, there is then a large flash of green light blame Qui-Gon and pretty sparkles blame the author's insanity)
Ani: Obi? I thought you cut your Padawan braid off. And grew your hair. And a beard. And aren't you awfully short?
Obi: You are too, my young Padawan learner. Your braid looks awful on you, so unsymmetrical...
Author: HAHAHA! You two are both now officially little chibis. At 3 feet tall, I highly doubt you'll be able to seriously injure any more authors. Your lightsabers have been... modified, as well.
(the two Jedi look at their lightsabers, and notice that they're holding two colored foam noodles.)
Anakin: Hey! I"m a Sith now! Couldn't you at least give me a red one? Or one of those cool double ended ones like that awesome guy on Naboo had?
Qui-Gon: Anakin? You thought that Zabrak was cool?
Anakin: Yeah! He fought really well, too! Oh wait...
Qui-Gon: ANAKIN! I thought that you'd be a good Jedi! That- THING- killed me! You idiot!
Anakin: Sorry, Master. Yes master.
Author: anyways, I don't like the color red. So deal with it.
Anakin and Obi-Wan: (glare)
Author: Well, we'd best be going now! Have fun trying to get your height back!
(author and Qui-Gon disappear)
Ani: I'm still a Sith, though! Let's keep dueling!
(heroic music starts, the two start whacking at each other with their noodles. The two are lightweight enough that they go flying when the other places a hit. Anakin ends up giving Obi-Wan an exceptionally hard whack, sending him flying over the lava and onto a cliffside.)
Anakin: Yay! I finally got rid of that annoying Jedi! I don't care if he was my Master, father, or whatever, he's dead now! Yippee!
(starts doing a random happy dance. Suddenly, his lightsaber goes back to normal) Hey look! My 'saber works! Score!
(TRIP)
OWWWWWWWWW! My legs! My arms! I cut them off!
Obi: Heh. Clumsy idiot, he took care of the Sith for me. (Force-pushes him into the lava, near Jar Jar)
(Anakin screams. A lot. Then dies.)
Status check on our characters:
Obi-Wan: Clinging to a cliff, short, no lightsaber, not happy
Jar Jar: Burning, but not dead. Still conscious, in severe pain. SUFFER, EVIL GUNGAN!
Anakin: Dead
Author: Dead, but her Force-ghost is still writing. I think.
Everyone else: Who cares?
Scene 24
(Obi-Wan is still clinging onto the cliff. He suddenly sees a grey thing falling past him)
Grey Thing: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Obi: okay then...
Curly-haired short being on the cliff above Obi-Wan (a.k.a. Sam): Hold on, Master Frodo! Don't fall!
Obi-Wan: I'm not your Master, and nor is my name Frodo! Anakin was m only Padawan!
Sam: The ring's gotten to your mind, Master Frodo. It's me, Sam!
Obi: Okay... but my name isn't Frodo. It's Obi-Wan.
Sam: What kind of a weird name is that? Ah, well, you're just delusional.
Obi-Wan: (looks around to see who Sam means, or if he's just a raving nutcase. As it turns out, he sees another funny little curly-haired thing clinging onto the cliff a bit lower down, only hanging on by one hand) Ummmmm... I think that your master is down there.
(Frodo lets go, falling into the lava and dying instantly)
Sam: I don't see anyone. But anyways, let me give you a hand up here.
Obi-Wan: Hey, thanks!
Sam: You're- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (flies past Obi-Wan, also falls into lava and dies)
Obi: What the hell was that? (looks up to cliff. To his dismay, he sees-)
Yoda: Hmm. Annoying, that hobbit was. Try to help you, he should not have.
Obi: Why not?
Yoda: Because funny, it is, seeing you hanging onto the cliff. Amuse me, it does.
Obi: DEMONIC SATANIC CRUEL AND EVIL DICTATORIAL INSANE MEGALOMANIAC LITTLE GREEN TROLL!
Yoda: Why thank you!
Obi-Wan: ...
Yoda: Leave you here, I will. When ready, you are, to Bail Organa's ship, you will come. Talk with you, I must, yesssss.
Obi: Well, thanks for your help then!
Yoda: A problem, it was not.
Obi: (aside) Does the little toad not even know what sarcasm is?
Yoda: Heard that, I did! (whacks Obi-Wan over the head with gimer stick)
Obi: (bangs head against rock wall) Just leave me in peace...
Yoda: No! Peace I cannot give you. Come with me, you must. (Force-lifts Obi-wan to cliff beside him, then chases him to his Starfighter with his gimer stick)
Obi: Hey, thanks for saving me, though! You know, now I can sympathize with your height, or lack thereof, now. But... Master Yoda?
Yoda: Hmmm?
Obi-Wan: CAN you change me back to a normal sized human?
Yoda: No. Do that yourself, you must.
Obi-Wan: Awwwwww. I don't like you. You're mean.
Yoda: My problem, that is not. Now come, you must.
Back on Mustafar...
(Jar Jar is laying on the ground, skin singed, ears burned off, and all limbs amputated. Sidious flies down to take a look-see.)
Sidious: Ahhh... my apprentice. You are hurt, but you did well at the temple.
Jar Jar: Ohhh... mesa muy, mouypaaaaaiiiiinfullll... help me...
Sidious: Yes, my apprentice. Troopers! Get Darth Vader a medical capsule immediately. We can still save him if we hurry. The burns look terrible, he's been terribly mutilated. He doesn't even look human any more... We must save him.
Random Clone Trooper # 42: Yes, my Master.
Sidious: w00t and yay, then. Now that I have my new Sith apprentice, all we need to do is heal him up, then we'll go have tea, shall we?
Random Clone Trooper # 666: Whatever you say, my Master.
(they pick up Jar Jar, put him on the funny-looking capsule that was supposed to hold Anakin, and walk off, to a nice tea. With biscuits.)
And then to Organa's ship...
(Obi-Wan and Yoda are in a white room on the ship. Somehow, Obi-Wan managed to regain his previous height, though he still has really short hair and a ponytail)
Yoda: An assignment for you, I have.
Obi-Wan: I'm scared now.
Yoda: Training, it is. Learned to be immortal in the Force, someone has.
Obi: No. Please no... don't let this be what I think it is.
Yoda: Your old Master, it is.
Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! He doesn't like me anymore... he made me a chibi.
Yoda: Deal with it. Perhaps apologize to him for whatever you did, you should.
Obi: grrrrrrr. How long do I have to do this for?
Yoda: Until Luke grows up. A short time, this is.
Obi: I hat you. (yes, it says hat. Not hate. Not a typo)
Yoda: Know that I do. But still, train with your old master and take care of Luke, you must.
Obi: What? I have to take care of the kid, too? I thought you were going to take him to Tatooine. How can I get to him there?
Yoda: Go to Tatooine you must, live there as a hermit you will.
Obi: But... I wanted to move to Alderaan, or Naboo, or somewhere nice and relaxing.
Yoda: Tatooine is a lovely planet. Nice and warm, it is.
Obi: THAT WOULD BE SCORCHING HOT, YOU MEAN!
Yoda: Deal with it, you will. Now go.
Obi: Yesssss, Master Yoda. (Starts grumbling to self as he walks out the door) Yes, Master, whatever you say Master, I hate you, Master, Stop bothering me, Master.
In Palpatine's medical room...
Palpatine: Arise, Darth Vader.
Jar Jar/ Darth Vader: Ooh, yay! Mesa gonna be a bombad great Sith Lord!
THE END
Also, for anyone reading Never Saw the Sun, we're encountering a bit of writer's block, so it might be a bit before we update. Sad, i know, but true. A lot of people requested more character development for secondary characters, any advice for scenarios for this would be much appreciated. We'll give you cookies...
-Yavië Jinn