It was still early morning when she woke the next day. The inky sky was just giving way to a pale dawn as Lily stood at the window looking down at the forest in the distance, her heart heavy with guilt. How could she have been so cruel? After all Remus had been through, she'd…she'd betrayed him, there was no other way to put it. She'd wrestled with herself about it, trying to deny that what she and James had done wasn't that bad, but the more she thought about it, the worse she felt. And the worst thing was that she still couldn't bring herself to wish that it hadn't happened. Somehow she just wasn't willing to trade the feeling of his lips on hers and the way she had felt when he touched her.
"What am I going to do?" she whispered to herself putting her head in her hands. She didn't even want to talk to Saffron about it. After all, she had just kissed her best friend's brother.
It was with a guilty conscience and a lot of fake happiness that she went down to breakfast with her dorm mates. She was just beginning to think that she might be able to handle things after all when she heard a voice that made her think she must have a heart of stone.
"Lily, can I speak to you for a moment please?"
It was Remus.
Oh dear Merlin, he'd found out! A voice screamed inside her.
"Sure," she replied, trying to keep her tone level. Her heart was pounding so loud she was sure he would know something was wrong as she got up and followed him out of the Hall. They walked in awkward silence until they reached an empty classroom. It was the holidays, so there were a lot of them around.
He perched himself awkwardly on the top of a table and faced her, "I've something to say to you." He said, fiddling with his fingers.
"mmmhmm," she replied, unable to make herself form words.
"Lily, we're friends right?" She nodded, "and friends would never do things that would hurt one another right?"
Again she nodded, feeling her face drain of colour, he sure did know how to make her feel the worst possible.
"So if someone had something to say then they shouldn't keep putting it off, even if it might hurt the other person? Because they're supposed to care about one another, right?"
She was beginning to think she might be going to be sick.
He took a deep breath, "ok then…look Lily I really like you a lot. You're one of my best friends and you're an amazing person but-"
She winced just waiting for him to say it.
"-Lily, I don't think we should see each other any more. It's just that…I don't feel that way about you anymore and I think it'd be wrong for us to keep going on pretending everything was alright."
She blinked hard, surely she'd heard wrong. He hadn't really just ended it had he?
"Lily? Are you alright?" he watched her anxiously.
"I'm fine," she laughed nervously. Someone up there must like her. There was no way she could have envisaged such a painless ending between them. And she wasn't going to tell him about James. If they wanted to remain friends, which she did, then there was no need to tell him something that would hurt him for no good reason. The time they had shared together had been a happy one and there was no way she was going to ruin that memory for him. She only had to hope James felt the same.
Getting up she walked over and took his hand, smiling slightly awkwardly, he watched her with a sceptical expression, "Really Remus, I'm fine. I feel the same you know?"
"You do?" His voice was a mixture of relief and incredulity.
"Yeah," she gave a short laugh, "You're one of my best friends Remus, and I want you to stay that. I did think that you were the perfect guy for me, smart, considerate, into the same things I am. But it turns out that I'm not nearly so good at knowing what I want as I thought I was." She smiled wryly.
He hugged her tightly and kissed her on the cheek, "you have no idea how glad I am that's over!" he said grinning, "it was almost as difficult as working up the courage to ask you out in the first place! Hand on a sec, why is it always the man that has to do these things anyway?"
"It's a special privilege you get," she responded.
He snorted, "Yeah, some privilege! Actually there was something else I wanted to ask you."
"Ask away."
"Well, I know that we aren't going out anymore, but I wondered whether you'd come with me to the May Ball anyway-just as a friend. I thought I'd be a nice way to end things between us, you know."
"Sure," she replied smiling, "I'd love to." She grinned, "besides no-one else has an exactly matching tux to my dress."
"Yeah, that was my other reasoning too," he replied sarcastically.
Lily laughed and they walked out of the classroom and down the hall together.
Five hours before the ball was due to begin Lily and her three dorm mates made their way up the staircase to their room.
"You can't possibly need that long to get ready!" protested Matt, from where he was sitting casually on the sofa half watching two of his year mates playing chess.
"You're right," Saffron returned, "we just wanted to get clear of you as soon as possible."
Her dorm mates laughed and ran noisily up the stairs. As Meg burst through the door first she launched herself onto her bed, landing with a soft flump. Then she rolled over and flicked on the radio. Soft soothing classical tunes piped out filling the room. Amy nodded approvingly but Saffron made a face and crawled half over Meg to fiddle the dial and find a more lively station.
"That sort of music's great in its own place," she explained, sitting back on her heels with satisfaction having tuned into an upbeat signal broadcasting dance tracks. "But I always find that this gets me more in the mood for dancing." She got to her feet and pranced over to her own wardrobe, singing lustily along with the tune as she pulled open the doors.
Lily grinned at her best friend as she followed her example and picked up the hanger holding her dress. As she pulled it out and hooked it over the top of the wardrobe door the long, silken skirt swirled out.
"That's gorgeous!" Meg sighed, "you'll look amazing," she sighed wistfully as she prodded discontentedly at her podgy tummy.
"Oh stop that!" Saffron scolded briskly, "don't be silly."
"You mightn't think it was so silly if you looked like me," Meg retorted defensively. "I always feel like such a pudding next to you three!"
The others made various protestations but she cut them off, "I know, I've heard it all before, 'there's nothing wrong with the way you look,' 'you're not fat at all', blablabla." She wrinkled her nose and shrugged, "but the fact is I'll never have a figure like you Saff or you Lily, I don't hate the way I look, it's just that sometimes I wish I looked more like you guys."
Saffron and Lily looked at one another uncomfortably; Amy crawled up onto the bed next to her friend, gave her a hug and kissed her cheek, "you're still beautiful to me, and one day some worthy guy'll tell you the same." Meg flushed with pleasure and hugged her back,
"You're one in a million, you know that?" Meg said sincerely, Amy smiled shyly back, "so what about your worthy guy then? Are you going to tell us yet?"
"Ben?" Saffron said, "don't look surprised that I know Amy, I knew the minute he'd asked you because you both came back looking like you'd got sunburn!"
Amy coloured prettily, "I didn't want you guys to tease him, he's really shy."
"I'd noticed," Meg replied wryly.
"He's a good guy," Lily said, "I like him."
"So do I," Amy said in a tiny voice.
Meg laughed and hugged her little friend, "you're adorable!"
"Lil, can I have the shoes you said you'd lend me?" Saffron asked, turning towards Lily.
"Sure," she nodded and rummaged at the bottom of her wardrobe.
"Where are you meeting Davies?" Saffron asked Meg.
"He said he'd meet me at the foot of the marble staircase," she replied.
"How did he come to ask you anyway? He's the year above so we don't even have any classes with him?"
"Ran into him in the corridor-literally, we both dropped all our stuff and were in such a hurry to get to class that we picked up some of each others stuff. Then on the way back from the library about a week ago I saw him headed out for practice with the rest of the Gryffindor team and I went to tell him I had his stuff." She grinned, "turns out he lives ten minutes from me and we both support the wasps. I walked with him to practice and then pretended to do work in the stands while they trained-"
Saffron snorted, "-no prizes for guessing why it was only pretending!"
Meg grinned, "what? Ryan's really cute! Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying that I sat in the stands till their practice was over and then he came and sat with me and we just chatted for ages. Then we kept meeting in the hall and stuff after that and a few days later he asked if I wanted to go to the ball with him."
"That's so cute!" Lily said, throwing her shoes to Saffron who yelled and jumped out the way. "You know, I'm not really dating my date."
"What?"
"You and Remus broke up?"
"When? And why wasn't I informed immediately?" Saffron demanded.
Lily laughed, "This morning, and I just forgot I guess."
"What happened?" Meg asked as she started to pull off her clothes.
"Well, we agreed that things between us had been just friendly for a long time so there wasn't really any point in us going out anymore."
"Makes sense I guess," Meg shrugged.
"Yep," Saffron agreed, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.
"What?" Lily asked suspiciously.
"Nothing, nothing," Saffron replied with a wide grin.
"No, really what," Meg asked interestedly, "let me in on the joke too!"
"Well, I was just thinking that maybe there was a reason why dear Lilikins feelings changed towards our thoughtful friend," she replied with a smirk at Lily, who flushed and snatched up a towel before marching into the bathroom and closing the door behind her. The sound of gushing water from the shower could be heard almost immediately.
The others burst into fits of giggles. Seeing Meg was about to question her more Saffron put up a hand, "hey look, I'm not saying anything else. I wasn't going to say much more anyway, I just love to tease her!"
"You're mean," Amy reproved with a small smile.
"Me?" Saffron replied in mock horror.
Amy sighed and shook her head, unable to keep a smile from her lips because as far as she knew, there was no-one better for keeping a secret than Saffron. Even if she did tease them about the fact she knew, she never told anyone outright, she hadn't even whispered a word about herself and Ben to any of her friends, not even Lily! And that had to count for something.
"So how come you don't have a date Saff?" Meg asked, wrapping her dressing gown around herself as she sat on her bed, a folded towel on her lap, ready to take a shower once Lily had finished.
"Why should I have to?" Saffron replied seriously, "I'm making a political statement. Why should everyone have to have a date? Is there something wrong with being independent? Am I worth less as an individual than some guys date?"
"Err…no," Meg replied hesitantly, slightly unnerved.
Amy giggled.
"What?" Saffron demanded.
"Well, it's just that, I don't know, I'm not used to thinking that you have…you know…."
"Serious thoughts?" she looked as though she didn't know whether to be offended or amused.
Meg shrugged apologetically.
Saffron sighed, "alright, I get your point. But just because I always seem to be laughing and joking doesn't mean that I don't have real feelings underneath you know."
"Oh I didn't mean-" Meg halted, unsure of what to say.
"Don't worry about it," Saffron replied bracingly, "I know that's what most people think about me, 'Saffron the bright and flirty airhead'. Well ok not airhead, I am in Ravenclaw after all."
"The Sirius complex," Lily said with a grin as she appeared in the doorway, her towel wrapped round her and long hair dripping slowly.
Saffron stared at her and frowned, unable to think of a response.
"Well that's a first!" Meg grinned, "I don't think I've ever seen Saffron speechless."
"I'm not speechless, I just chose not to say anything," Saffron retorted tartly.
Amy darted for the bathroom with an uncharacteristically cheeky grin at Meg.
"Little minx!" she remarked blandly.
"What exactly did you mean by 'the Sirius complex'?" Saffron demanded, sitting down on her friend's bed.
"Well, the way you described yourself, it's kinda how everyone else sees Sirius isn't it?"
Saffron opened and closed her mouth.
"Almost exactly," Meg put in on her behalf.
"Well there you go," Lily answered with a small smile at her friend's discomfort.
"I'm not- he's not- you-ugh!" Saffron threw up her hands and went to her dressing table, the other two could hear her muttering to herself.
Meg caught Lily's eye and they both smothered giggles in their hands.
"You know," Meg said, unable to stop herself from grinning, "I think tonight's going to be very interesting indeed!"
****
A/N: Yes it is going to be interesting…when we eventually get there. Somehow the getting ready for the ball and everything turned out to be really long! Anyway, what do you guys think? I tired to keep it realistic as usual, but some things are really hard to write about without them sounding clichéd, not sure if I entirely succeeded. Ah well, I'm sure you'll let me know.
Next chapter, 'Partners and Presents'