Chapter 3: Supa-Hacka
Day 3 (Evening)
1st Floor - Black Iron Palace
"Missing me already?" a familiar voice chuckled as he spun around to find her in her usual outfit, standing at the entrance of the monument.
"How long has it been since you last changed?" he grunted dryly, unamused by the fact that he was visiting the mausoleum for the third time in as many days.
"About as long as you've been in that silly green tracksuit," came the cheeky reply. "How's your party doing anyway?"
"Good," was all he said as he rubbed his sore shoulders and aching butt. "Why? Thinking of joining in the fun?"
"Wouldn't want to interfere too much," she winked, "besides, I've got someone else who'd do better with the pain."
A tough guy perhaps? With muscles of steel to withstand damage and endure the hardest strikes?
As the silhouette approached from a distance, her ponytail swaying in the breeze, his heart skipped a beat.
A pretty female knight? That'll be a dream come true!
In the partial darkness, he could not help but stare at her shapely figure, unable to tear his eyes away from the accentuated curves of her armour. His pulse quickened as she finally came into view, the dim light from the torches reflecting off her blonde coiffure, and he found himself glancing at her beautiful face, the features just as distinct and attractive as how he had remembered it–
A bomb exploded in his mind, and he choked, nearly throwing up as an influx of unpleasant memories surged through his soul, paralysed by the trauma of a hundred feet trampling him to his untimely demise.
"We've come full circle, haven't we?" the white-haired girl remarked as he heaved, trying to forget the anguish and the pain.
Who the hell are you really? How'd you even know what happened to me?
"Kazuma-san," the blonde knight bowed in sincere gratitude and apology, "let me know how I can make amends for the trouble that I've caused. Perhaps you can step on me in return–"
Trust me, I've got an axe to grind but why'd you look like you'd be enjoying it?
"Kurisu-sama," she panted as he froze, glowing red with excitement, "his disgusted reaction and utter rejection of my existence is just so–"
Hold your horses, girl, this isn't something to get off to!
"Heavenly," she finished in a state of pure ecstasy that only she seemed to understand.
Bonk. Go to horny jail, would you?
"She's the best choice for the role, don't you agree?" the girl called 'Kurisu' grinned, stopping him before he could leave. "And now that you've got the EXP and stat points to unlock new skills, I'll teach you some neat tricks if you'd give her a chance."
Fine, show me what you've got, mystery woman.
I may consider it if it's an ultimate magic that doesn't rhyme with 'excruciation'.
"Bind," she exclaimed, summoning tight ropes around the knight as she yelped in exhilaration.
Interesting, but who'd sell out a spot in their party for that?
"It's more useful than you think," she giggled mischievously, prodding the latter in the chest with the tip of her scimitar, "she can be a wild one, so you'll have to rein her in a little sometimes."
I'd leave that to you, thank you very much.
"Wait! I've got something else–"
Not wanting to hear the rest, he shrugged, sneaking towards the door to make his escape.
"STEAL!"
Her cry rang loud in the silence, echoing off the hard walls of the palace. For a good few seconds, he stopped dead in his tracks, stunned, wondering what exactly had been taken from him by the young lady who was laughing away at his back.
"You can walk out of here without your Col," she snickered, pleased with herself, "maybe I'll buy myself some new clothes. Perhaps you'd like to see me in a skirt? I'll make sure to keep it short just the way you like it."
Yes please, but do it with your own money.
Now, if you don't mind, I'll just take back what's mine–
"STEAL!"
With a flash, something soft appeared in his hand, even as she continued to hold on to the bag containing his Col. Puzzled, he squeezed the pair of elastic objects, running his fingers over the residual warmth clinging to the smooth surface.
"Give them back, you pervert!" she wailed, dropping the pouch to cover her chest that had appeared to halve in size, not that he really minded anyway. Nonetheless, a cunning smile spread across his lips as he toyed with the priceless catch, gleeful that he had uncovered her hidden secret.
"I'll return these if you'd agree to join–" he began, ready to spell out his conditions, only to be interrupted mid-sentence by a certain uninvited guest.
"What in Belzerg's name is going on here?" the blue thing poked her head into the hall, gaping at the incomprehensible commotion before her eyes.
"Nothing, Aqua, I mean, blue-haired stranger," she stuttered, snatching the pads away before she could pry further.
"Hmm, you look familiar," the goddess stroked her chin, the gears creaking in her mind. "Say, you remind me of someone I know, but nah, you're too flat to be her."
"I-I'm f-flat?"
"Don't worry, she stuffs her upper department so you aren't too far from the real thing," assured the deity as she sobbed away. "Come join the Axis Order, you may receive what you desire."
You're pitching enhancements as a blessing now?
"And you are?" she turned her attention to the knight who was still tumbling around on the ground, blushing in euphoria.
"Darkness Synthesis Pendragon," the blonde introduced herself as she undid her restraints, "Crusader, Integrity Knight and Servant of the Holy Grail."
"That's quite a mouthful. No matter, I'm open to all–"
"Thanks, but I'm already a believer of the Eris sect."
"I-I see," she stammered, strangely subdued at the mention of the name. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't think she'll be able to answer your prayers for a while. She's probably busy in my absence, I-I'm starting to miss her myself."
In the ensuing silence, the white-haired girl looked as if she wanted to say something, but was unable to find the words.
"A-Aqua, that's your name, isn't it?" she finally spluttered, "I guess it wouldn't hurt to be friends. Darkness here as well, I'm sure she'll do well in your party."
"Really, Chris? You'll be my first worshipper in this world?"
She's just getting to know you as an acquaintance, do you not know what that means?
Oh right, you're a high and mighty deity, not that different from a loner like me.
"Heh, if you can convince your partner here to bend the knee, I'll think about it," she smirked, casting him a snide glance as he scowled in response before turning to leave with the rest.
"Stay safe, Chris," the goddess smiled, waving her goodbye for the night, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Aqua, Kazuma, take good care of my follower, she whispered behind them in the empty silence of the hall. She may be able to endure pain, but she needs as much love and protection as you do.
Things that I can't provide alone in this harsh, brutal reality.
He would not have expected himself and all of Tolbana to be woken up by a loud rumble as a thunderous roar reverberated across the floor. Something wild and ferocious was stampeding outside the gates, and while he could not hope to return to sleep, he certainly did not want to care.
God, it's only the fourth day, he hid himself in the haven that was the warm kotatsu as parts of the ceiling crumbled, the useless goddess scampering around the room, traumatised by the sky falling on her just the evening before.
"Kazuma!" the mage squealed, rubbing herself against her staff.
"Hai, Kazuma desu."
"I-I'm itching to shoot off some Explosions!"
Not in here, please. And don't just take after the blue thing.
"Kazuma, Kazuma," the crusader was next, barely able to contain her welling anticipation.
"Hai, Kazuma dayo."
"I-I can't wait to test my armour against that beast!"
Go, go, nobody is stopping you. Ganbare, let me know how it goes.
"Kazuuuumaaaa-saaaan!" the most annoying voice in the room screeched beside his ears. "Haaaalp, the inn is collapsing!"
Keep calm and let someone else take care of it, he muttered as he made himself comfortable, even as he felt the ground shifting under his bunker, we're in the safe zone with more Col than we can spend.
I'll just LARP as a turtle for now. Munch, munch, my name is Ton-chan, don't stick peanuts in my nose.
Wait, why do I feel as if I'm flying through the air–
The next thing he knew, he was lying sprawled on the road outside, the precious piece of furniture shattering into a thousand blue shards. A sharp pain accompanied the crash from three storeys high, and he swore he may have broken his back with the impact.
Argh, I don't actually have a hard shell, you know. And the burns from that chuuni-mage have yet to heal up too.
Grimacing in agony, he wobbled to his feet to get back at the ladies who were watching him with mock pity from the window above, only to pause as he found himself staring at a pair of knights who had stopped before him in the middle of the street. One was clad in a gold-coloured garb while the other was in purple armour, both well-dressed and equipped with shiny new gear.
"Got up from the wrong side of bed?" the one in purple asked with a hint of sarcasm and pompousness in his tone.
"Yeah, on the other end of your fancy wardrobe," he grunted, wiping the dust off his smudged tracksuit.
"Name's Diavel," the one in gold offered his hand, "and this is my partner Mitsurugi - we're on the way to the emergency meeting to defeat the First Boss rampaging beyond these walls. We'll need every man we can find, care to join us?"
Chotto matte, Mr Devil, did I hear that wrongly? Ilfang the Kobold Lord is out and about and running amok? Isn't he supposed to be sitting on his ass, twiddling his thumbs, scraping by an otherwise pointless life waiting to be discovered and defeated in his smelly old dungeon?
Did he somehow become self-aware of his imprisonment? Or did someone let him out on purpose?
"I'll think about it," he muttered, dismissing the pair to return to the inn. While he would need the money for another kotatsu - preferably one that could survive a fall from a building, which would not come cheap in a world of fireplaces and chimneys - to attempt a boss raid on day 4 of the death game would clearly be suicidal, even if they did not really have a choice with the enemy at the doorsteps.
Nonetheless, the deviation from the beta had stirred his sense of adventure, and a part of him wanted to be on the frontlines, if only to stick it to Kayaba and prove to himself and the cursed reality around him that he mattered, that he could make a difference as a pathetic otaku on his second chance. To be sure, throughout his short and reclusive existence, he had never bothered himself with the normies, nor had the riajuus ever cared about him, but in the world of games that was his undeniable past and eternal future, he wished to be someone, somebody, something that was beyond a being of zeroes and ones.
Ironic, isn't it? I've never really thought about any of this when I was actually alive.
Takes death to remind one of life, I guess.
"Aqua, Megumin, Darkness," he called out to the girls as he readied his beginner sword, "let's go kick some kobold butt."
"Everyone, segregate yourselves in teams of six and we'll assign you to your roles," Diavel instructed from the podium, taking the lead at the meeting to address the surprisingly sizeable number of volunteers as he glanced around, not quite used to being around blustering company.
"They're staring at us with lecherous eyes," the crusader pointed out, blushing in a mix of enjoyment and embarrassment as the useless deity basked unashamedly in the attention.
No, they aren't, you're just imagining it.
"Can I cast Explosion and blow it to pieces?" the mage piped in, panting in exhilaration as she dreamed of blasting the universe to smithereens.
No, you can't. Plus, I've heard that skills cost HP since this morning's update–
"You two," Diavel motioned at the odd pair sitting on the other side of the arena, "join up with the guy in the tracksuit and his party. Hurry up, we don't have much time to waste."
Why do we even have to be in squads of six? Oh well, I'm not the loner here. They're both solo players - the guy in black doesn't seem to know the girl in the hood.
"Kirito," the guy simply muttered as he added the swordsman into the party.
"Kazuma desu, and you are?"
"A rapier-wielder."
"Welcome, Asuna," he read out her name from the display as she gasped in surprise.
"H-How'd you know that?"
"Magic," he grinned, a little ticked off by her guardedness, not that he did not understand her apprehension.
"I-It's not funny, it's my real name."
Oh, a newbie I see. Takes courage to sign up for a boss raid, I'll give you that - but I really hope you know what you're getting into. It's a death game without respawns, at least not since I died.
"You'll be focusing on the side critters," Diavel ordered as the main battalion made their final preparations. "Get ready, we'll be moving out anytime now."
I'm sure we can do much better but I won't complain about not dying.
"For Aincrad!" a spiky-haired man bellowed, and the crowd chorused in unison.
I thought we're supposed to escape this floating castle, not fight for it.
Ah, whatever, semantics, he mused as they charged out into the plains, dashing towards the lumbering beast that was sauntering on the fields with its minions, seemingly indulging in their hard-earned freedom away from the miserable dungeon.
Sorry, but we'll need to beat you to progress to the next level, even if we aren't that different - you and I.
Hold on, what's this growing taste of blood in the air?
"Waga na wa Megumin!" the mage skidded to halt as soon as she spotted the creature, "None will stand in the way of my most powerful magic! Oh, darkness shrouded in light, fires crackling in the night, in the name of the Crimson Demons, I shall destroy everything in sight!"
Good lord, brace yourselves, she's coming out swinging–
"EXPLOSION!"
Several megatons of TNT detonated on the Kobold Lord, wiping out two and a half of its four health bars, along with the entire mob of Ruin Kobold Sentinels and much of the surrounding landscape. The ground quaked and the world trembled as flaming rubble rained from the sky, superheated shockwaves blasting the vanguards off their feet as the indomitable eruption staggered the rest of the advancing troops who could only collapse in a daze.
Choking in the smoke, he wiped the ashes from his face, blinking in the temporary blindness as he stumbled around the aftermath that was an inferno, a literal hell on earth. Charred trees lay uprooted, wanton debris scattered across what used to be a lively forest, glitched-out trunks twisted and torn apart in myriad grotesque and unearthly shapes as the Cardinal System was unable to render or process the true extent of the damage and devastation to the very particles and polygons that made up the universe.
Yet he did not have the privilege of time to ponder over the mysteries of space as she fell in a heap, her HP gauge empty and blank as the skill had drained her life. Throwing aside his sword in panic, he rushed to her side with the goddess, the crusader and the other two members in tow, completely helpless and at a loss, too afraid to even hold her should she shatter into a million pieces and disappear with the slightest touch.
"Vanishment this darkness," was all she mumbled as the goddess cast Sacred Highness Heal, exchanging half of her own HP to restore the dying mage to green, much to everyone's relief. Nonetheless, weak and fatigued, she passed out as they stared on in concern, slipping soundlessly into a deep and well-deserved sleep.
"We'll just have to wake her later," he declared, forcing himself to switch his attention back to the battlefield, "for now, we have a kobold to kill."
Nodding, his party members followed as he sprinted forward, leaving the deity behind to guard her unconscious figure. Yet, no sooner did they arrive that the health counter of the enemy flashed red under the chaotic and frenzied assault of two dozen players, triggering an omnidirectional skill as it whipped out a nodachi, smacking the lead knight and his comrades squarely in the face and sending them rolling across the floor in absolute agony.
"Asuna!" the swordsman shrieked as she belted out a Linear in response, only to be struck down by the raging boss, her half-a-week of combat experience too low to match her speed. Screaming in excruciation, she clutched the phantom pain in her chest, stunned and paralysed, her eyes wide and petrified in fear as the cold gleam of the katana swung towards her neck–
Shit, we won't make it in time, the two boys yelled in abject hopelessness and despair as the rest of the injured raiders fled at the sight.
They must not have expected a resounding boom to shake the foundations of reality as the unstoppable force smashed upon an immovable blonde object who had leapt into the path of the attack. With a red gash across the cleavage, her armour flew off, the residual momentum rippling across her chest as she bit her lip, immersed in the sensations radiating through the fabric of her black top that had fortunately remained intact.
Thanks, crusader, but switch out now or you won't survive another hit, he shouted, performing a Slant as the startled kobold recovered from the blowback. Moments later, Kirito followed up with a Vorpal Strike, plunging his blade deep into its stubborn flesh to elicit a strangled cry from the wretched beast.
Seems like the pain goes both ways, the swordsman thought aloud, not that he had the spare capacity to sympathise with the foe that was programmed to kill him and his friends. Even if he could not help but pause over the countless mobs that he had slaughtered, having gone through the horror, he would not allow himself to simply back away from the prize that was within his grasp - the Last Attack Bonus that was the Coat of Midnight.
As the creature flailed on its death throes, he could almost feel the apparel on his skin, everything from the size to the style fitting perfectly to his form - as if he, a solo beater and otherwise plain Light Novel protagonist, had been destined and predetermined to be the Chosen One to get the ladies and evoke the sacred legends of the Black Swordsman.
Is it strange and egotistical to think that it's somehow tailor-made for me, the main character of this story?
Wait, I'm not the MC? And what's with this long post-skill cooldown?
In the deafening quiet, he could only watch as the nodachi came in for a decapitating strike, hurtling through the air with nothing to stop the blade from chopping his head off in a single blow. All around him, the fleeing cowards had not returned, while the goddess was still recuperating with the fainted mage, Asuna was commiserating with not-Alice, and Kazuma was–
What on earth is he doing, tossing away his sword?
Bewildered, he watched in muted surprise as the leader of his party reached out with his right arm and screeched at the creature.
"STEAL!"
In the very next moment, he shut his eyes as he felt a woosh on his neck, having resigned himself to his fate, only to reopen them as the expected end did not arrive. By the sorcery of Merlin's beard, the blade had found its way into the trembling hands of the hiki-NEET, who proceeded to drop the burden in a thick cloud of dust.
"Kill it before it retrieves its axe!" he barked as the kobold fumbled for the weapon that it had previously discarded, clearly confused by the abrupt disarmament. The young man needed no reminder as he promptly activated Vertical Arc, drawing a perfect V across its chest with his Anneal Blade to end the boss raid for good.
For a long while, nobody moved, talked or breathed as the creature dissolved into shards of blue light, and a piece of clothing fluttered in the breeze, his reward for standing on the shoulders of the mage and dozens of other players. Beaming, he grabbed the bounty and equipped the coat, ready to strut back to town in the suave attire, only to realise that it was a little baggier than he had imagined, and resembled, of all things - a white tracksuit with orange and black designs.
What the hell is this, a King Penguin costume? he nearly toppled over as he brought up the screen to parse the stats of what he had thought to be a cool, dark cloak.
[Cloak of the Seven Stars]
Allows the wearer to do the victory pose
Charm +10 (+20 bonus on half-elves)
Luck -10 (+50% probability of being hit by trucks)
"Hey, Kazuma, I think this'll look better on you," he laughed nervously as the hiki-NEET stared blankly back at him. "I'm sure you could use the stat boost too."
Oi, look who's talking. I need less charm and more luck, thank you very much.
Yet, before he could say anything else, the crowd broke out in loud jeers and furious screams, led by none other than the humiliated knight, his purple-garbed partner and the spiky-haired man who had wanted to fight for Aincrad.
"It's them! They must be what's causing Cardinal to go haywire!"
"They're cheaters and hackers, they're checkers!"
"Aye, aye, kill them before they lay eggs!"
Huh? We're in a floating castle, not a board game. And I thought you're the chicken here.
Alas, with the seething mob after their asses, they could only make a desperate run for the teleport gate before the torches and pitchforks could descend on their heads. Grabbing the unconscious mage and the wailing goddess, they arrived in Urbus, with nothing but the items in their inventories and each other, sharing in the same fate of being the enemy to all players.
Well, this surely isn't the first time I've been a reject, he mused as they avoided the streets and scurried across the roofs, but for once, I'm the most wanted person in the world.
Doesn't sound too bad, does it? They'd find out about our Unique Skills sooner or later anyway, even if the secret that I'd died and returned remains under wraps.
Either way, they'll be saying my name a whole lot more now, and 'hai, Kazuma desu' will be my standard reply.
And hell, I'll be goddamned right.
Later that Night
2nd Floor
I see that LARPing as a knight has become quite the trend, Mitsurugi, the Master of the Universe grinned to himself as he unequipped his gold-coloured armour and logged out for the night, having orchestrated and observed the boss raid with his smurf account, if only to watch the aberrant interlopers struggle to their limits against the System and society itself before his naked eyes.
Kazuma, Rikka and whoever that blue thing is - make no mistake, the only sentence for theft and magic is death, he smirked as his fingers danced mercilessly across the keypad, I'm really just taking my time.
Update: Towns will no longer be Safe Zones
Let's see how you'll breathe with the world against you. We have countless days ahead of us after all.
And if you'll excuse me for now, I have a few other naughty ones to catch.
A/N: Chapter title a reference to Steins;Gate (Daru the Supa-Hacka).
Other shoutouts and references to:
1. K-On! (Ton-chan)
2. Love, Chuunibyou and Other Delusions (Rikka and her catchphrase)
3. Berserk (The Black Swordsman)
4. Re:Zero (Cloak of the Seven Stars i.e. Subaru)
P/S: As promised, Kirito and Asuna make their appearance in this chapter. Note that they're about 3 years younger compared to my earlier completed AU crossover Reality Offline (SAO x Oregairu, post-Alicization).
With this, we've completed the introductory arc (Chapter 1 - 3, approx. 10k words) with the main characters Kazuma, Aqua, Megumin, Darkness, Kirito and Asuna forming a party. We'll be starting a new arc with the next chapter (Chapter 4 - no spoilers, heh).
As always, favs/follows/reviews highly appreciated, I'd be glad to read your suggestions and feedback for future updates!