Ziggy's Corner: Okay, while I must admit some of the stuff on this skit is nasty (and the show it airs on is just as nasty and stupid; especially the skit, which game feels better), but Medieval Weapon is so laugh your ass off funny (best skit Fresh Baked Video Games has), I just had to write a fan fiction about it. So I hope all of you Everquest Fans who have watched the skit and enjoy it, enjoy my story too. Enjoy.
NEW AGE LAW ENFORCEMENT
Hurtaugh walked through the doors of the chief's office, his long thin body stiffening for the coming lecture of something he had done wrong, although he couldn't think of a single thing since the chief had sent his old partner, Tiggs away.
"You wanted to see me?" the middle aged black man asked, standing before the chief of police, a stubby brown haired dwarf with the temper of a fire dragon. The chief looked at him through his dense hair and looked back at his paperwork, sighing and mumbling to himself. This is new; normally he'd be leaping onto his desk and threatening to make Tiggs and I eunuchs by now.
"There's some kind of commotion in the village of Paola, I want you and that partner of yours to investigate it," he grumbled, never taking his eyes off of the papers in front of him.
Hurtaugh blinked for a moment and craned his neck, to look his supervisor in the eyes. "Wait a minute, you mean Tiggs is back?"
"No, he's skipping through the god damned daisies my wife planted in his birthday suit," the dwarf grumbled. There was a long silence, and the chief just shook his head. "No really, the nut job is skipping bare ass naked in my wife's daisies. Unless you want me to put the two of you on duty helping cats out trees, I suggest that you go get him, and the both of you go to Paola to see what the hell the matter is. Dismissed," he barked the final word so harshly that there was no doubt that Hurtaugh was being told to get out of dodge.
The black officer of Everquest 2 exited his chief's office, scratching his black hair with one hand and his mustache with the other. "What the hell has that crazy ogre down now? Hurtaugh tracked down a co-worker and escorted him to a corner where they wouldn't be heard.
"What's up?" the elf asked him, crossing his long arms and blinking.
"Okay, what has gotten into Tiggs this time? Doga you run the department where renegade officers are sent away, what happened to Tiggs?"
"All I know is that Chief Burphy was really upset the last time you guys came back from a case. He sent Tiggs to some New Age training center, to help him with his rage and anger, so he wouldn't kill anybody anymore without probable cause." The elf was nearly twice the size of Hurtaugh, almost the same size as Tiggs, but his skin was flawless, radiating with brilliant light, and his eyes were crystal blue. Hurtaugh knew that Doga was very popular with the ladies, and usually brought home more than one woman after he was off duty, many if not all of them were not seen again until early morning hours. He yawned loud and wide as he stretched as to prove to one and all that he had been enjoying extracurricular activities at night.
"When he came back yesterday, he was acting all weird and proper and stuff. The most I got out of him was something about electric spell therapy and something about shaving crème and ground hogs in his underpants." He shrugged and walked off before Hurtaugh could say anything else, never hearing the black man utter his favorite lines.
X X X X X X X
It didn't take Hurtaugh to find Tiggs, just where the chief had said he was. The now too jolly green giant was skipping through the chief's wife's daisies, clean as a whistle, unaware that Hurtaugh, or the chief's unconscious wife were both within sight.
"Tiggs? What the hell are you doing man?" Hurtaugh snapped, his muscles straining against his tight blue armor.
The ogre turned to look at his partner, and smiled politely, "Salutations," he said gleefully spreading his thick meaty arms into the air, as if he wished the world to see him in all of his "glory". He was so out of it, he hadn't even noticed a few small doves drop from the air from the smell of his exposed underarms. "Isn't it a delightful day?"
"O…kay," Hurtaugh said, taking a step away from him. "Tiggs where the fuck are your clothes?"
"Oh, I don't need those anymore," the ogre said, lowering his arms as he sensed his partner's uncomfortableness. "Clothes are for those who wish to be held down in the grips of barbarity, for which I no longer wish to be."
"But, what happened to your hammer man? You never go anywhere without that," the older male said, taking a few steps further from the younger officer.
"Weapons are just an extension of passive aggressive forms of resentment for not having a fulfilled childhood full of love and peace," Tiggs said. Not only did he not look like Tiggs, or talk like him, but he didn't even sound like him.
"Okay," the other man said.
"Absolutely," the ogre said encouragingly. "I'm a changed man, Hurtaugh. No more thoughts of hate, or anger, no more fears of people coming up to attack me. Just peace and relaxation. I really must thank the chief for sending me to that retreat." And as if on thought, the giant officer decided to thank his boss by raining down a shower upon the crumpled flowers with the foulest smelling urine that Hurtaugh had even seen or smelled.
"Look, speaking of the chief, he wants us to investigate something going on in Paola," he looked at his partner, and sighed. "Right now, preferable with some kind of clothes on, barbarity or not."
The ogre sighed but shook his thick heavy head, the sun shining down on his two large tusks from his lower jaw. "Well, if it would make you and the chief fell better, then I suppose," he said gleefully, nearly Bristishly. "I have some spare rags in my apartment, just down a few blocks; I suppose I could wear those." And then his partner witnessed a sight so horrific, it stayed with him until his dying day.
The large ogre began skipping down the path, and humming a nonsensical song, his legs lifting higher and higher as his attitude grew warmer and brighter, his arms swinging too and fro, and between them, his "loaded gun" batting back and forth between the skin of his thighs, the sound of its heavy, thick body slapping against his legs, keeping time with the rhythm that Tiggs sang, echoing in Hurtaugh's ears until the black man though he was nearly going to grow mad.
X X X X X X X
Thankfully they had made it to the apartment just in time to stop Hurtaugh from slicing his partner in two, or at least stopping him from slicing into a "salami stick" and bringing home supper to his family. Once his partner had gotten some rags and put them on, the two off them set off of Paola, though Hurtaugh had to admit, it looked awfully weird to see his partner without his hammer strapped to his back.
It was six in the evening when they finally approached the tiny village. There couldn't have been more than five hundred people living there, and most of the houses were made from weak gray mud and dim brown hay. They found the mayor, and he explained the situation. A wicked sorceress had invaded the village, and was raising an evil undead army to carry off the young men and women to mate with. A few more directions sent them toward the center of town, where they ran right into a crowd, and the sorceress herself.
For a witch, she wasn't so bad. Her hair was long and dark as night, her skin bronzed as if it had been made from the skill full hands of an artist. Her eyes were bluer than the sky, and her thick lips, were as red as an apple. She wore a long flowing, sleeveless robe, and her thin arms were stretched out to the sky as she spoke. Her voice was as sweet as honey and as soft as a feather.
"Now, I will ask you again. Which of you bitches are going to come peacefully and which are going to have to play hard to get," she laughed. The people looked at her for a moment, and then rushed off in different directions, screaming. She cooed and lowered her eyes, "Good, I like it when you play hard to get," she said, running her fingers down her slim body. With a blast of light and a snap of her finger, zombies rose from the ground, and skeletons burst from buildings. "Children, bring mommy some nice pieces of ass for her to play with," she giggled.
"Tiggs, let's go," Hurtaugh shouted, pulling his blade from it's sheathe. He rushed forward and carved to carcasses into two with a swinging arch. He halted only for a moment, when he noticed his partner standing still. "What the hell are you waiting for man?"
The ogre blinked but did not move a muscle, "Everyone needs some love sometime or another," he said blankly. "Violence isn't the answer."
"What the hell are you talking about, Tiggs?" Hurtaugh roared, slicing a skeleton's head off its shoulders, and then drop kicking it into the groin of an approaching zombie. The dead assailant's penis went dropping the ground, and its balls bounced down the road in two opposite directions.
Tiggs sat on the ground, closed his eyes and began humming, envisioning a wide open field fully of cute bunny rabbits. "Peaceful thoughts," he murmured.
By now, people from left and right were being dragged away screaming by the dead, and Hurtaugh was being pummeled, calling out his partner's name. They tore at his clothes, ripped his armor off, and began dragging him to an insane, howling with laughter witch.
"Yes, yes, he'll do fine," she cackled. "Such a fine specimen of hot Everquest 2, apple ass pie, I've never seen before." She licked her lips, as if getting ready to sink her teeth into a delicacy and rubbed her hands, hands as the dead pulled Hurtaugh closer to his dark fate.
"Look lady, you don't want me, I'm a married man," Hurtaugh shouted at the witch.
"That makes you all the more rare," she groaned, throwing her neck back as she eyed his approach. "You are yummy."
Hurtaugh turned to his partner, who still sat there, meditating. "Tiggs, get the grass out of your ass and help me," he cried. "You want her to kill me! Is that peaceful?"
Kill Hurtaugh? Somebody's going to kill Hurtaugh? The ogre shifted in his place and slit open an eye to watch the scene, but closed them as anger began to brew. Think your happy thoughts, think about cute little bunnies.
"Get your stick in drive and get up to help him already," one of the cute little bunnies snarled, pointing at the ogre's pants. Tiggs gasped and shot to his feet, looking around the valley of peace and stared into thousands of angry, cute little bunny faces.
"Or do you really need us to deal with you again?" the lead rabbit said.
"No, no, you don't understand," Tiggs whined, "I'm a changed man. I'm loving, I'm peaceful."
"Loving, peaceful? What a fucking load of crap that is? Did it come out front end or sneak out the back door?" The bunny leader growled, ripping his cute little face off and exposing himself for what he was.
"You!" Tiggs howled.
"Yes, us!" the ground hog leader snapped. "We were used to teach you the real you. And do you know what we found out?" You're a mean, nut job, loose cannon cop, an ogre with a taste for violence, not cute little huggy wuggies."
His world was spinning, and the happy field was transforming back into this childhood home. Darkness, shouting, metal clanging on metal. And it was there that he found his true self. Shedding the do gooder, peace loving buffoon aside, Tiggs roared a baneful growl and stretched out his hands with such violence that he caused a mini tornado.
A woman next to him gasped and clasped her hands in gratitude, as he started at his left hand, his fingers smashing the decaying blue gray flesh of a zombie, who had tried to capture the young woman. "Thank you officer, thank you so mu…," she never got a chance to finish her statement of gratitude.
Lacking his hammer, the ogre grasped the girl, and dashed forward, swinging her body as if it was his trusted weapon, crushing the witch's body with the girl's just as she made a move for Hurtaugh's bum. With the witch gone and dead, the evil army of bones and decayed flesh disappeared in a flash, and the village was free. What was even more amazing was Tigg's hammer appearing from the flash of light, and the ogre held his weapon as if it were a former lover come back to him after a fight, ready to forgive him for his foolishness.
"Took you damn long enough," Hurtaugh groaned, pulling his undergarments and pants back to his waist.
As soon as they could sort things out, the major of the village told the people that they would forever be in debt to these two officers, and that this particular day would be remembered as Tiggs Day. Then as he went forward to give the giant ogre the key to the village, Tiggs snatched his deadly weapon from his back, swung it around, and broke the old man's neck with it. The crowd who had been smiling a second ago, was now screaming yet again, and rushing for the safety of their houses.
"What the hell was that for?" Hurtaugh asked, spooked at the speed of his partner.
"He was going to probe me with a giant golden key," the ogre said blandly, looking at his partner as if he were the crazy one.
Hurtaugh just sighed and shook his head. Here we go again. Well at least I know what to expect with this Tiggs instead of that peace crazy goon who came back from the New Age Retreat. Hurtaugh ran his fingers through his hair and groaned, "I'm getting too damn old for this shit."
So, how was it? As I'm sure you guessed this is a one shot. Was it as funny as the skits from Fresh Baked Video games, does anyone want a sequel or a second story, or did it stink, and should I just leave it with this story? Let me know! Review, review, review!