"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different" – Oprah Winfrey
Forgiving and the Rain
James walked sullenly back to Gryffindor Tower. 'Friends? As if I'd ever be friends with you, Potter. You're an arrogant, big-headed playb –' Those words stung James more now than they would have before, when they were true. Now, Lily's words stung because they weren't true. James knew that, and Lily knew that. But how to tell her without actually telling her? James kicked the wall in frustration. 'Ow,' he mumbled, continuing back to the Tower with a slight limp.
'Chocolate-chip muffins,' James said, climbing through the portrait hole.
James looked around the common room and saw his friends near the fireplace, playing chess.
'Hey, guys,' James muttered, dropping heavily onto the sofa.
'Hey, Prongs,' Sirius acknowledged distractedly. 'Knight to…no…bishop to…no…AHA!' he yelled. 'Queen to H 3.' The queen acquiesced, however hesitantly. Remus adopted a triumphant expression.
'Castle to E 5.' His castle moved to his designated square. 'Checkmate,' Remus grinned.
'Again?' Sirius exclaimed, gaining the attention of many Gryffindor females. 'That was the fourth time in a row!'
'Fifth,' Remus corrected.
Sirius looked furious. 'Next time, Lupin…' he said mock-threateningly. 'Next time…'he trailed off, striking an absurd pose, shaking his fist.
'What's up, Prongs?' Remus asked, turning away from his embarrassment of a friend.
'Evans,' James said depressingly. He undid his tie and half-heartedly slung it over the back of his seat. Some of the Gryffindor girls sighed as James unfastened the topmost buttons of his white shirt.
For reasons unknown to James, Sirius, who had stopped winking at the girls and finally joined them, looked furious. 'What happened, mate?' he asked, trying and failing to assume a concerned expression.
'Evans still think I'm a conceited prat,' James replied.
'You'll get her next time, Prongs,' Sirius claimed, trying to sound cheery. He stood up, beginning a brisk walk to his dorm stairs, running the last few steps and taking the stairs three at a time.
James was shocked. 'What's up with him?' he asked incredulously.
Remus sighed; he suddenly looked exhausted. 'He's upset that you're spending more time lately with Lily, and less and less time with him.'
'He told you this?'
'No,' Remus answered simply, 'but it's obvious.'
James nodded in comprehension. Fortunately for Remus, he had the gift of telling what mood someone was in, and if something was bothering them.
James sighed. 'What do I do?' he asked his fellow Marauder.
'Honestly…I don't know, James,' Remus said. 'I cou –'
'Could you talk to Lily?' James interrupted.
'I – what?'
'Could you talk to Lily? Please?'
'Well, I could, yes, but what would that do?'
'I don't know, but she seems to listen to you more than me. You could ask her why she hates me.'
'Prongs, it's obvious why she hates you. She yells it at you every time she sees you.'
'She used to yell it at me every time she saw me, but she's been acting different. Could you just –' The clock in Gryffindor Tower struck 7:00. 'Bloody hell!' James exclaimed. 'Quidditch practise! I almost forgot! I called it last minute for the game tomorrow. Sorry, Moony, I have to go.'
James sprinted up the stairs to his dorm, grabbed his uniform and his broom and bolted back down the stairs. James spared a quick glance at Remus. 'See you…later…' he panted, before tumbling out of the portrait hole and tearing down the corridors.
Remus exhaled the breath he didn't know he was holding in. 'Alright, James,' he muttered to himself. 'I'll go and see Lily.'
Remus stood up wearily from the sofa; the full moon was approaching. The wizard walked through the portrait hole, partially retracing James' steps.
Remus' footsteps echoed loudly off of the stone walls. As he neared the Hospital Wing, Remuscould hear quiet, strangled sobs. That's odd, he thought. Last time I checked, Lily was the only person in here…
Remus inched open the double doors. Lily was sitting up in her bed, her face pushed into her knees, muffling her sobs. Remus rushed over to the distressed redhead. He gingerly sat on the edge of her bed, not wanting to scare her.
'Shh,' Remus whispered, soothingly rubbing her back.
Lily was startled by the sudden tough, but leaned into the warm body. The tears were still streaming down her face, but they were getting less and less. Remus put his arm around Lily's shoulders, rubbing away the goose bumps that had appeared on her arms.
Without warning, the Lily's tears came back with renewed vigour as she vividly recalled her conversation with James…the hurt in his eyes… Lily dug her face deeper into Remus' chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. Remus was startled, but continued to make 'shush'ing noises into Lily's ear. Remus comforted Lily patiently, remembering all the times she had helped him out when he was feeling depressed with his 'condition'. The least he could do was return the favour.
Suddenly Lily surfaced, the path of her tears evident. Her hair was slightly mussed from her crying, but she looked better.
'Thanks, Remus,' she whispered. She knew it was feeble, but nothing could have expressed her gratitude more efficiently.
'It was nothing,' Remus shrugged. 'You've done a lot for me, so I figured I owed you. I still do,' he reflected.
Lily shook her head in disagreement. 'No, really, Remus, it's fine. You don't owe me anything. We're even. We always have been.'
Remus nodded, looking for a moment like he was going to argue, but thought better of it. He was so lucky to have Lily as a friend. She was so caring and thoughtful. She always thought of others first, and never expected anything in return. It was no wonder James fell in love with her.
The two sat in silence for a minute. Remus moved towards the chair beside Lily's bed, while Lily wiped away the remaining tears. Lily sighed, falling back against her fluffy pillows.
'Lily?' Remus asked quietly.
'Yeah?' Lily answered, already knowing what was coming.
'Why were you crying?'
Lily sighed, debating whether she could tell him or not.
'I…can't tell you,' she quickly decided.
'Why not?' Remus asked, noticing her hesitation.
'I just can't.'
'This involves James, doesn't it?' Remus inquired.
Damn you, Remus, Lily thought. He really was too smart for his own good. But why can't I tell him? It isn't as though I don't trust him, because I do.
'You know you can trust me, right?' Remus offered, as though he could read Lily's thoughts.
'Of course,' Lily answered.
'Lily –'
'Promise you won't tell James?'
'What?'
'If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell James.'
'Alright.'
'Pinky swear?' Lily asked, holding out her finger.
'Pinky swear,' Remus confirmed, interlacing his pinky with hers.
Lily leaned back into her pillows again, sighing. She didn't want to tell Remus – or anyone, really. Saying it aloud would make it final, absolute, irretrievable…
'It's ok if you don't want to tell me, Lily. I understand. Some things are just too personal.' Remus got up to leave, pushing his chair back to its original position.
'No, Remus wait,' Lily called. 'Sit down.' Lily motioned to the chair.
'Really, Lily, it's fine if you don't want to tell me,' Remus said, sitting down.
'No, Remus, you don't understand.' Suddenly, the tears started flowing again. 'I think…I think I l…love J-James.'
Remus leaned over and hugged Lily for the second time that night. Wow, he thought. I didn't know loving James could be that horrible. No wonder she's maintained that she hated him.
Lily shuddered, pulling away from Remus. 'I can't believe I did this,' she muttered.
'Did what?' asked Remus curiously.
'Messed up this bad,' Lily answered.
'What?' Remus asked, confused.
'I let him go!' Lily exclaimed. 'I had him, and I was too stubborn! I couldn't let him know that I put the past where it belonged – in the past. I couldn't let him know because it would be…admitting that I was wrong.' Lily hung her head, letting the tears flow freely for the umpteenth time that night.
'Lily, it's ok, it's going to be –'
'NO, IT'S NOT!' Lily screamed. 'You have no idea,' Lily whispered, shaking her head.
'Lily,' Remus reasoned. 'James likes you, a lot. He wouldn't let you go that easily. He's been after you for seven years. Why would he stop now?'
He does have a point, Lily thought. 'I don't know.' Lily flushed. How could I be so stupid? she asked herself, wiping away a stray tear. Of course he wouldn't just up and leave after seven years.
'I'm sorry, Remus. I'm being irrational. I shouldn't have yelled,' Lily murmured.
Remus smiled, dismissing Lily's apology with a wave of his hand. 'Sometimes our emotions get the better of us.' Remus smiled understandingly.
Remus' sharp ears caught bits of a faraway conversation. 'Can you hear that?'
'Hear what?' inquired Lily. 'I can hear anything.'
'Listen.' The sounds were getting closer and clearer.
'Doe…I'b fine…really…just a cut…' The doors of the Hospital Wing burst open as James walked unwillingly through, followed by a teammate from the Quidditch team. They were both soaking wet, hair dripping like they'd just finished a shower, and both equally muddy.
'James!' Lily shrieked, not being able to retain her 'ignore-James-because-I-don't-like-him' demeanour any longer. 'What happened? Are you ok?'
'Yeah, yeah, I'b fine,' James said off-handedly, lying down on a bed, splattering the crisp white sheets with mud.
'No, you're not,' Lily countered. 'You've got blood all your face! What were you doing?' Lily asked hysterically. James' face was steadily getting paler.
'It was just a bludger,' James answered thickly.
'Here, let me clean you up,' Lily said, gathering her wand from her beside table.
Remus smiled. 'I'll see you guys later, ok?'
'What?' Lily questioned distractedly, looking up at Remus. 'Oh! Alright, thanks for your company, Remus.'
The werewolf nodded in confirmation. 'You too, Lily. Get better, Prongs,' Remus said, winking at his friend. James smiled weakly as Remus and James' fellow chaser left, closing the doors quietly behind them.
Lily turned back to James, who was now almost as white as chalk. Lily raised her wand and whispered, 'Tergeo.' The blood on James face immediately began to disappear, leaving a very pale James, including a nose that looked broken.
Lily reached out and lightly touched James' nose. He drew in a sharp breath, which was already beginning to be quick and laboured. 'So it is broken,' Lily confirmed quietly. 'Fractum reparo,' she whispered, healing the broken nose instantly. Thank Merlin I'm good at Charms, Lily thought.
'Thanks,' James wearily whispered, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling with sharp jabs.
'James, I'm going to get Madam Pomfrey,' Lily said worriedly, and James heard her dash off to the matron's office.
In a matter of seconds James faintly heard two pairs of shoes frantically running in his direction. The last thing he knew was that he was swallowing a nasty tasting potion before he was engulfed in blackness.
When James regained consciousness, he felt a weight on his chest. James moved a hand to his chest, curious to what the weight was, but he never expected to feel Lily's silky smooth hair. James was shocked. He could smell her stimulating aroma. He could feel the rise and fall of her own chest against himself as she slept, her head resting on his chest…
James looked adoringly at Lily as she slept. She looks like an angel, thought James. She looks so peaceful. So…unstressed. She's beautiful. 'I love you, Lily,' James whispered hoarsely. He leaned down as carefully as he could and lightly kissed the top of her head.
James watched as Lily's eyes began to flutter open, aware of the movement around her. She smiled weakly at James as she sat up, sitting back in the chair that she had been sitting in before she fell asleep…on James.
Lily grinned, her cheeks flaming. 'How are you?' she whispered.
'Much better, thanks to you,' James answered appreciatively. 'I owe you.'
Lily shook her head. 'Really, it was nothing.'
'Nothing?' asked James incredulously. 'You practically save my life and you call that nothing?'
Lily shrugged. 'I'm the one who should be sorry.'
'You?' James wracked his brain, and found nothing. 'Why?' he questioned.
'I've been ignoring you these past few days. I had no reason to.'
'Yes you did.'
'What, James? What reason did I have?' Lily plunged on, not waiting for an answer. 'I've been acting like a coward, afraid of my own emotions. I've been ignoring you, only because I was afraid of what I felt. I think the Sorting Hat was wrong, placing me in Gryffindor. I should have been in Ravenclaw.'
'No, Lily, don't say that; it isn't true. You're very brave. You always stand up for yourself – and other people. You don't back down even when the Slytherins call you nasty names – which aren't true, I might add. You're brave, beautiful, smart, cunning, funny…I could go on longer, Lily. I know I can't change the past, but I can change who I am now. And I have, Lily, just for you. Can you forgive me for being such a jerk?'
Lily's eyes glistened with tears as she listened to James' speech. He really was a sweetheart. 'I think I already have,' Lily smiled.
James' face immediately lit up, his smile warming Lily to the tip of her toes. His hazel eyes danced with happiness and mischief as he pulled Lily down onto his lap. Lily squealed, causing James to perform a silencing charm on Madam Pomfrey's door so she wouldn't hear.
'See? That wasn't that hard, was it?' James asked, still grinning. He pulled Lily into a hug, and she wiggled closer to his warmth.
'Actually, it was terrifying,' Lily admitted. 'But I'm glad I did it.'
'Would it be terrifying if I kissed you now?'
Lily looked at James. His eyes showed passion, love, and sincerity. She knew she could trust him.
'A little,' she confessed. 'But I'm willing to try.'
James took her hands in his own, comforting her. James leaned in slowly, not wanting to scare Lily. Their lips were inches away; she could see his bright, hazel eyes…centimetres away; he could count the freckles on her nose…millimetres away; they could count the other's eyelashes…
Lily closed her eyes as she felt the warm of James' lips over hers. Lily felt a tingling feeling all over her body. It was definitely the most electrifying sensation she had ever felt.
Lily kissed James back, savouring his taste, scent, and touch. His hands (which had long since released hers) were lightly running up and down her sides, a burning feeling remaining where they had travelled.
James manoeuvred his hands so that one was playing with the tiny hairs on the back of Lily's neck, and the other was running through her slightly mussed hair.
Nothing James had ever thought would compare to what it actually felt like kissing Lily Evans. No fantasy, nor daydream, could rival what the redheaded beauty could do to the Marauder. Shivers were sent down James' spine as Lily's fingers wound themselves into his hair. Lily's lusciously soft lips felt bloody amazing. James could stay like this forever, if it wasn't for that nasty habit of needing oxygen…
Lily broke the kiss, breathing heavily through her swollen lips. 'Wow,' James finally breathed, having gained his much needed oxygen. 'Wow,' he repeated. 'You're a really good kisser,' James said, looking at Lily in admiration.
Lily laughed. That beautiful, music-to-my-ears laugh, thought James. 'You're not too bad yourself, Mr. Potter.'
James grinned. 'Why thank you, Ms. Evans.'
James looked skyward at the pitter-patter that had never ceased since his Quidditch practice. 'Rain,' he said, smiling.
Lily back up a little, scared of the mischievous look in James' eyes. 'What are you thinking?' she asked cautiously.
'That we go and take a walk in the rain,' he suggested innocently.
'James, no way. It's after hours! And how are we going to get outside, anyways?' Lily asked sceptically.
'Lily, Lily, Lily! Are you forgetting that you are talking to a Marauder, here?'
'Oh, yes. I'm so sorry, Your Highness. I did forget I was talking to royalty, for a moment.'
James looked amused. 'Well,' he smiled, 'if I'm royalty, then what does that make royalty's girlfriend?'
Lily thought for a minute, smiling. 'I don't know. A princess?' Lily asked hopefully.
James laughed. 'Alright. Princess Lily. That has a nice ring to it,' he admitted. 'So Princes Lily, His Highness is proposing that Princess Lily accompanies His Highness outside for a walk in the rain.'
Lily sighed, 'Ok, Princess Lily accepts.'
'Yes!' Lily smiled as she watched James do a celebratory dance.
'Alright, Your Highness, lead the way.'
'First,' James said, pulling a silvery material from under his covers, 'we need to get under this.'
Lily gasped. 'Is that an invisibility cloak?' she whispered.
'Yup,' answered James proudly. 'It was my dad's.'
'Wow…' Lily breathed.
'Ok, so we have to get under this, so we can't be seen.' Lily complied, vanishing, along with James, under the silvery material. 'And now we go.'
James silently opened the Hospital Wing doors, and the pair slipped out. They travelled down the corridors, passing no teachers or ghosts, given the extreme lateness of the hour. Before Lily knew it, she and James were in the Entrance Hall. Just before the double doors leading outside, James veered off to his left.
'Where are you going?' Lily questioned. 'The doors are straight ahead.'
'Yeah, but Pringle locks them,' James replied, referring to the caretaker.
Lily made an 'o' shape with her lips.
'So we'll be going through here,' James said, holding back a tapestry for Lily.
'Thank you,' Lily said, walking through the secret passage.
When they were through, James pulled off the cloak. 'This passage leads outside,' he said, responding to Lily's quizzical look.
Lily and James walked for a few minutes, finally reaching what appeared to be a dead-end. James smiled at Lily, his eyes alight with mischief. 'You just have to poke it right –' James poked the wall near the bottom '– there.'
Lily's eyes grew wide with amazement as the wall slowly disappeared, leaving a stone arch leading to the gentle pitter-patter that was the rain. Lily smiled, walking outside with excitement. She hadn't been out in the rain since she was a child. She used to go out with Petunia every time there was a storm. But that all changed when Lily went off to Hogwarts…
'Having fun, Princess Lily?' James questioned, his eyes dancing brightly, given sparkle by the gentle moonlight that shone through the light clouds.
Lily looked at James, taking in his moonlit features. 'Yeah,' she nodded. 'I am, Your Highness.'
She grinned as she starting spinning in circles, holding her arms out wide, as if welcoming the rain. James' breath momentarily caught in his throat as he watched his new girlfriend be so carefree, absorbing the rain.
James shook his head before joining Lily, dancing in the rain. He ran up to her, taking her hands in his, spinning her around in circles. Lily laughed gleefully, her face alight with joy.
Lily looked at James and felt her heart soar. His hair was once again flattened by the rain, and his delicate features were dripping with water. His shirt clung to his defined features, making him look unbelievably sexy.
Lily looked up and locked eyes with James. He was grinning; he must have seen her longing look. James slowly stopped spinning Lily and moved closer to her, hugging her tightly. Lily felt so safe, just being there in James' arms. She felt his thumb under her chin and tilted her head upwards, just as James brought his lips crashing down onto hers.
James marvelled for the second time how good it felt to finally be kissing Lily Evans. He felt her full lips move under his, and he pulled her closer, so that their bodies were touching. Each felt like they were meant for the other, the way their bodies moulded perfectly for the other…
James pulled away, staring into Lily's bright green eyes. He could count every single raindrop clinging to her long lashes. As she stared up at him, he knew that there was nowhere else he wanted to be now, tomorrow, or ever. He didn't know where life would take him, but he knew that if he was with Lily, everything would be ok.
James lightly kissed Lily's swollen lips one more time, before spinning her around in the rain. He watched as she laughed, running off into the distance, as she twirled, and as she shouted with glee. He watched as the rain seemed to give her a halo. Princess Lily needs a halo, he decided with a smile.
James ran to Lily as she beckoned him forward, laughing, twirling, and shouting with her. James knew that moments like these were hard to come by these days, and he decided that he would make the most out of this one.
A/N: And that's it! It's all over. :tear: I'm so sad. I love this story, it was like my baby. And now it's all grown up:sniffle:
I hope you guys were satisfied with this chapter. It's the longest I've written for this story!
Now for some shameless advertising. Some of my other stories aren't fortunate to get as much love as you guys gave this story (over 2300 hits! Hugs and kisses for everyone) andI think they would appreciate the warm fuzziness that is Accepting James...give them a try, eh?
Anywho, I'm off to do some more writing. I've gotan idea for a new chapter in mind for Take My Hand. Some people thought I should do a collection of one-shots so I'm doing my best. And I've got an almost-finishedRon/Hermione fic. Au revoir and don't forget to review! I love you all. :)
Niamara