Ha ha, I probably overdid the fluff and angst in this chapter. No regrets though, since these two (preferably combined) are my guilty pleasure. To make up for it, I might add some lighter moments in the next chapter.
Sorry for taking so long though. After finishing this one and rereading it, I kinda rewrote a lot of stuff until I was satisfied.
Thanks to 314, fan girl 666, FallenNietehre, Digital-Drama and BaraKiryuHuntress for reviewing!
Amazingly Megatron was back up and working the next solar cycle at his usual place. The command center was also in process of being repaired. In fact the place was almost back to its former look, though the consoles would take time to fix.
But things were not all back to normal. The recent news was a severe blow to the Decepticons. Everyone went back to their usual tasks, now certain that the Great War would definitely continue on for stellar cycles. For a long time there were no jests, laughter and casual moments. Each mech's nerves were highly strung.
In addition, everyone became extremely cautious around Megatron, never speaking much to him and giving reports in the briefest manner. It was already fortunate that so far only the higher officers had witnessed his explosive anger fit; if the entire faction knew of it, there would be no end to the dismay and loss of morale in a vital turning point of the war. However, it was clear that Strika, Straxus and a few others were not impressed with Megatron's behavior. There were already whispers of fear and disapproval about allowing a mentally unsound mech to lead the Decepticons and of history repeating itself.
Starscream heard those rumors. Instead of feeling upset about how mechs were supposedly slandering the fair and diligent leader he knew, the Seeker had no desire to defend the other.
Each time when he saw Megatron, he always proceeded in the opposite direction. The Seeker couldn't help it; the events that happened last solar cycle were too vivid.
He could never forget how his leader's hands, which had been so gentle as they stroked his faceplates, had nearly cut off his air supply as they tightened mercilessly around his neck. How his arms, which had held him in a close embrace, struck him into the wall.
How could Starscream look at his leader the way he once did again?
In a way as he recalled what happened, he was horrified by the warlord's behavior. Starscream had never seen a mech lose control like Megatron did, not even under stress. How did he become attracted to such an unstable mech, who was worse than Blitzwing when he was in his hotheaded mood?
Was all that courting, the eventual positive impression Starscream was developing of his leader and the times they saved each other in battle in vain? That indefinite longing for another to hold the Seeker in the highest regard now seemed a silly infatuated desire. Starscream berated himself for ever allowing such a thought into existence so soon. Why did he jump to conclusions so hastily when he barely knew his leader?
Yet he knew there was no way he could ever put his complete trust in such a volatile mech. What had he gotten himself into? Here he was as the second-in-command of all Decepticons and Megatron's closest advisor, a position that seemed to bring him more distress than benefits. How could Starscream have been so blind as to allow himself to be drawn close to his leader like this?
In a flash, the Seeker was thrust back during the time after he nearly lost his life in the tunnels of Kalis and how he made the decision to cut off all ties with Megatron. He had been determined to do it too, until the warlord confronted him the very night he was promoted.
Megatron… apologetic, sincere, determined, earnest, but ultimately an enigma. Starscream knew nothing about his past, his issues and his motivations; he could only guesswork from the times he let down his guard. Starscream shouldn't have been overly surprised that his leader kept a few hidden secrets, including a fragile mentality.
But nevertheless, the Seeker felt cut to the spark and betrayed. Every meaningful and casual conversation they shared, every rare opportunity of honesty with each other… all hid the possibility of his leader losing control of himself and becoming a deranged maniac. Common sense told Starscream that he should be running away already. He shouldn't have allowed whatever bond that had developed between he and Megatron to affect him so much. It was useless. The Seeker was not strong enough to handle whatever extreme mental disorder his leader had, or try to live with it in an attempt to change him.
Part of Starscream refused to accept that the hundreds of stellar cycles of interacting with Megatron had been cruelly ended like this. He didn't do anything to bring this upon him. In fact, he shouldn't have gotten himself into this mess the first place. After experiencing his leader's determined pursuit, a jealous Shockwave, the almost-failed Kalis operation, Steelstreak's ill-fated attack and Megatron's distancing, Starscream should have known that nothing will ever go smoothly with the warlord.
Yet he could not bring himself to regret every cycle he spent with Megatron. Why then? Why was he not fleeing as soon as the other collapsed? What was this hurt that eroded away at him so painfully?
Thus Starscream suffered, and Megatron suffered also. The warlord was cursing himself again and again that in his abnormal state of mind he had dared to hurt Starscream, the one thing he had promised that will never happen. He had caused his subordinates to lose their faith and respect for him. Every time Megatron had the rare chance to catch another mech's optics, they held apprehension and most of all, an uneasy fear, in them.
The same look the Decepticons once reserved for Megazarak. Now it was his.
All because he had hoped too much. He had asked too much from the AllSpark and the ending of the war. When he was thwarted by the Autobots, he finally lost control of himself after the full impact of the situation hit him.
He had hoped to stay strong for the duration of the war, but instead he had become weak.
Megatron wanted so desperately to apologize to Starscream, to tell him that he never meant to harm him. But Starscream seemed determined to stay away. Whenever he saw the Seeker, he always headed the other direction, although not fast enough for Megatron to miss the hurt on his faceplates.
How could Starscream ever forgive him for what he had done? Everything Megatron had done trying to get close to his second was now in vain. He would never look at the warlord the same again.
Megatron wanted to lash out at something and scream his frustration. He couldn't believe it. Everything he did was now ruined. The Decepticons had little chance of victory. Starscream had little chance of approaching him.
To make things worse, Megatron was starting to recall more often than before whenever he had spare time, especially when he tried to recharge. Again he saw the lifeless optics of his mentor's decapitated helm, the mutilated frames of the younglings at a shelter and their old caretaker, the maniacal grin of that accursed mech, and the others who lost their lives to that malevolent pursuer who had once stalked him in Kaon. Most nights were spent lying awake now, for to slip into unconsciousness meant relieving a new set of terrors.
Megatron knew that it reflected on the outside; in addition to the wary glances his officers gave him, he often saw Hook's look of disapproval along with unhidden pity. When he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the blackened console screen after he shut it down, he couldn't believe that it was himself he saw. The warlord hadn't changed at all in appearance, but the haggard expression was his own, as well as the anguished look in his optics.
You've always been very expressive, Megs. If I concentrate hard enough, I can probably guess what mood you're in right now. Your optics hide nothing at all!
No, you shouldn't try to read me. It's better for me… and for you… to not know what goes on inside my mind. You are much too young.
Megatron shuttered his optics and onlined them again. The look had somewhat subsided, giving way to bleak emptiness that revealed nothing. It was something that he had mastered as stellar cycles went by, though the warlord still often let slip whenever he lost his concentration. It was fortunate that Starscream had never caught on reading other mechs perceptively, or he would have noticed during the night Megatron made him as second, as he tried to explain his motivations after the siege of Altihex, as he reasoned with the Seeker about obtaining the AllSpark…
I do hope you know what you are getting yourself into when you claim my leadership, Megatron. You are not fit for this position, not when you still empathize over every life lost over you. Could you have done something to stop it? No. If you still have any amount of self-respect left in you, leave now and I will forget this exchange ever happened in the first place.
Megatron heard their voices every solar cycle now, the youngling's simple observations and his predecessor's cold unforgiving words echoing in his mind even though he never turned his thoughts upon them. What had been silent for thousands of stellar cycles during the time he distanced himself completely from his past were resurfacing openly.
Why him? Why was he the one who had to lose control after believing that he had left his past behind? Why was he the one who had to overthrow his predecessor, the one who had to endure so many stellar cycles of fearful solitude and carry an entire faction upon his shoulders? Why could he not react like any other normal mech to sudden despairing news, or make a concrete decision on the nature of his connection to Starscream for the matter?
Because you have always thought too much. By some twist of nature, you have always denied the path I set out before you. The Decepticons have always been a race of warriors and fighters. If you do not learn how to deny your emotions instead, you will not live to see the dawn of another solar cycle.
Shut up! Megatron snarled at the other.
Very well. However, my silence will not change the truth you refuse to acknowledge.
The warlord shuttered his optics again and opened them to stare blankly at his reflection. As usual, the voice had come from inside his mind, not from the actual mech. Though he knew these voices to be from his own imagination, they sounded so real, replying to his words in the exact same nuances as he remembered them. His only comfort was that none of them ever had anything to say about his second.
Hey, don't keep your thoughts buried like that. Talk about it freely if it helps you to feel better. The youngling never failed to be both innocent and sharply perceptive at the same time.
Turn your every emotion, your every thought, your every motivation and your every will into a weapon at your disposal. That is the only reason you should ever give in. Megazarak, always ready with a deceptively spoken piece of advice that always hit home, though the warlord knew it to be misguided and untrue.
No… none of the voices and their spoken words applied to his current situation or helped him to face it. This had nothing to do with all the lives he left behind him. There was only the reality… of him not being strong enough for his faction, that he had ruined his second's growing trust in a cycle of weakness.
The warlord knew he couldn't afford to lose himself in those recollections. He couldn't allow them to influence him now. Both owners of the voices had left Megatron's life thousands of stellar cycles ago, one offlined and the other wandering the vast universe aimlessly. He had no cause to let his mind linger on their memories for so long.
He tried to bury himself in work and in planning another future for the Decepticons. But he could only resist for a certain time. If Megatron wasn't careful, he could lose control again soon.
No, not before he apologized to Starscream. It was own issues that caused this all to happen. Megatron could not lose himself in his struggles without trying to make amends.
It seemed so ironic that he gave the impression of a firm leader unmoved by the most shocking of circumstances, but in reality was so messed up that he had to hide himself behind another persona. He had once hoped that he could sort himself out, that circumstances would eventually turn in their favor so that instead of destroying so much from both sides, this conflict would finally prove that the future of Cybertron was worth fighting for.
That he hadn't made a huge mistake.
But war had never been merciful, nor will it ever be.
-Commander Starscream! We need immediate backup at Altihex! The Autobots had mustered an assault against us and we don't know how long we can hold the city-state.
-On it. Starscream was glad for a distraction from the current low-point he had fallen into. He immediately prepared a regiment and set out, almost looking forward to dive helm first into his usual routine of attacking from the sky.
The following conflict was nothing significant. Starscream and his regiment simply picked out the Autobots from above while the Decepticons at Altihex continued to push them backwards. It was almost an easy battle, and soon the Autobots' numbers became few. But just as Starscream was about to give orders to finish the rest of them off, an unknown spacecraft suddenly cruised towards them at a rather high speed.
It was quite large, and the many guns and turrets mounted on it showed it was built for combat. It clearly belonged to the Autobots with their red insignia branded proudly on its top. Even as Starscream watched, the guns swerved to aim at them and opened fire.
-What are you all waiting for? Take that ship down!
The Seeker and his regiment scattered in different directions to avoid being hit and circled to surround the aircraft. For some reason the closer they got, the more thickly the guns fired. It became increasingly hard to dodge the shots, and Starscream could already see some Decepticons bearing scorch wounds.
This was no ordinary aircraft.
When they got close enough, they opened fire mercilessly. Starscream concentrated on taking out the guns while others sought to disable its external engines. Soon the firing grew easier to dodge, and Starscream knew that the ship would fall in a matter of cycles. It was only an unexpected but minor setback in this battle.
But suddenly, the ship's guns stopped firing as parts began to shift and move. Starscream could only watch in dumbfounded horrified awe as the ship transformed into a gigantic living Cybertronian, so massive that Lugnut and Blackout seemed tiny by comparison. It landed on the ground with a ground-shattering impact that seemed to shake everything around the Seeker.
"I am Omega Supreme," The being declared simply in a deep booming voice, "I will defeat the Decepticons."
Then the once-ship opened fire again from shoulder-mounted cannons, combined with homing missiles from its hands. Several Decepticons cried out as they were struck, plummeting to the ground in flames. Starscream was bombarded with messages from the others almost at the same time.
-Commander Starscream! That behemoth's weaponry is superior to ours. There is no way we can take it down!
-What do we do?! We are no match for that thing! Look at the size of it!
-We must abandon Altihex. More than half of the Decepticons are already offline!
Starscream's resolve wavered as he scanned those grim messages quickly. True enough, barely any mechs remained of the original Altihex team, and only half of the regiment were still fighting. To make things worse, more Autobots started to stream in now that the being called Omega Supreme had appeared. There was no way the remaining Decepticons could still defend Altihex.
The battle was clearly lost.
As Starscream gave the final order to retreat back to Trypticon, he wondered how Megatron would take this news with his already-fragile mentality, that Altihex was lost to the Autobots and the revealing of a gigantic Cybertronian with superior firepower that out-classed the Decepticons' completely. Starscream had little doubt that this was Project Omega revealed, from the mech's announcement of himself as "Omega Supreme".
The Seeker could only sigh at this new turning point of the war in the Autobots' favor.
"The backup to aid the defense of Altihex has failed. Although we were at an advantage at first, our numbers were soon dwindled by the appearance of a spacecraft, which is revealed to be a sentient, online Cybertronian. We could only assume that the being was Project Omega revealed, although we are not sure if the Autobots have managed to mass-produce more. Casualties are many; almost all of the Altihex team perished and only half remains of my regiment. Altihex is now back in the hands of the Autobots." Starscream gave his report in the command center before his leader, who was sitting in his throne with one hand propping up his helm and listening to everything with a somber expression. When Starscream was finished, Megatron remained strangely silent.
"What is your recommended course of action?" The Seeker was becoming slightly uncomfortable. He wanted to get this over with fast, especially now that he cannot predict how Megatron would react to this bad news. But the warlord only gave a deep sigh and placed his faceplates into both hands.
"I will see to it shortly. You are dismissed, Starscream."
The Seeker almost fled the room in a hurry, relieved that Megatron had said little. But as he traveled along the hallways towards his quarters, he began to wonder.
When had he become so fearful of his leader? Indeed he felt betrayed by what didn't even exist between them, but where did this fear come from? Was he expecting Megatron to lash out again?
Starscream could hardly believe that he once looked forward to every encounter with the other, enjoying every conversation and pleasant surprises of learning something new about him. There had been so many changes in the way he saw Megatron, first as an immature pervert to be avoided, then an intriguing mech with another side, a diligent leader who did the best for his faction, and…
And now what? Starscream could not deny there had been another change. Only this time he could not discern whether it was a good one or not, or how much it meant to him. However, it was clear that the war had impacted Megatron more than he let on.
Starscream sighed as he began to compile his report into the main database. As the Decepticon leader's second-in-command, he could not make himself scarce forever. He dreaded the solar cycle where he would have to face Megatron again, so much that he began to wonder if he should step down from his high position. The Seeker had being so naïve when he approached the warlord for his promotion, having no idea of what would happen afterwards. If he had known of the mess that would follow, he would have discarded that golden opportunity without second thought.
But by Primus, he missed the solar cycles of bantering with Megatron sarcastically and hearing his leader playfully giving his witty replies. He even missed the period of time when he tried his best to avoid his leader only to run into him everywhere he went, Megatron's pleased smirks, the way he took Starscream's every insult as an opportunity to tease the other and the way they could simply speak without worrying what was going through the other's mind
Nevertheless, he spent the following solar cycles trying to come up with a course of action for the Decepticons to take, now that the AllSpark was lost and Project Omega was revealed. The situation was truly looking grim for them now. If they ever lost Kalis also, their energon supply will be cut off. But as long as the Autobots continued to bring those Supremes into battle, the Decepticons had little chance of winning. Something must be done to destroy those super weapons fast and their weaknesses found.
Starscream realized they needed another miracle, one that might never happen. He could not hope to resign either, for the Decepticons would not easily adapt to a new second in such a sort time.
He tried to put all thoughts of Megatron behind his mind as he strategized. But for some reason the warlord always found his way in one way or the other.
One solar cycle after a strategy meeting in which Megatron was strangely absent, Hook confronted Starscream with a cold glint in his optics.
"What did you say to him?!" The medic snarled at him after the other advisors had departed.
Starscream was taken aback at the uncalled-for hostility, "What are you talking about?"
"Who else?!" Hook spat, "You should have known something was wrong when you didn't see Megatron at the meeting this solar cycle. He was on his way to a steady recovery, but I found him collapsed in one of the hallways, unconscious from overstressed systems. Mechs don't collapse from stress without reason; I can only infer that you said something that upset him greatly."
Starscream's throat suddenly constricted. Megatron was incapacitated again? So soon after that strange anger fit he had the other day? When had he even collapsed from stress anyways? The warlord always remained calm and collected in the most difficult of circumstances. But again he wasn't acting normal for orbital cycles...
"I said nothing. I was giving him a report concerning the first appearance of the Sentinels when I last spoke to him." The Seeker tried to explain.
"That's exactly the problem. You've been avoiding him since that incident in the command center, and he's beating himself over it ever since! He has been uttering your name again and again even after I gave him a sedative to help him rest. Asking to see you! Begging for your forgiveness!"
Megatron did what? Asking for Starscream? Begging for forgiveness? What was going on here? The Seeker had to do a double take when he realized this was the Decepticon leader they were speaking about.
Hook sighed exasperatedly when he saw that Starscream wasn't going to reply, "I've never seen Lord Megatron behave like this before. Believe me, I've been his longest follower since he became Decepticon leader, and I know it when I say that he has never allowed himself to be influenced so much by another mech."
Starscream's processor was going into overdrive. What was going on here? What was with Megatron's overreaction, that he should be crippled almost completely when the Seeker tried his best to avoid his leader? Here he was struggling to think of a way to face the other after the incident and Megatron was the first to give in. Starscream had expected an apology in the best-case scenario, followed by a long awkward period of time in which both of them tried their best to forget what happened.
But Megatron tormenting himself over it so much… eventually collapsing from overstressed systems… yet continuing to be in anguish because he hadn't made amends…
"Yes, congratulations, Commander Starscream. You have succeeded in what few had been able to do: incapacitating the Decepticon leader without lifting a finger." Hook shook his helm resignedly.
"I did not cripple him," Starscream finally felt falsely accused enough to retort shortly, "I wasn't aware—"
"Because you didn't even know how much of an influence you had on him. I don't know what happened between you two, but I am not going stand aside and do nothing. You will visit Lord Megatron this solar cycle, or I guarantee you that I will ask Scalpel to tend to you the next time you visit the med bay."
No Decepticon wished to incur the wrath of the medic or be put back together by Scalpel (many mechs discovered missing vital components after the small microscope was done). Starscream was no exception, yet he was beginning to make a decision unaffected by Hook's threat.
"You don't have to threaten me. I… didn't know that Megatron would act like this. I hoped to leave him alone for a period of time until we got comfortable in speaking with each other again."
"Yes, but that's you you're talking about. Megatron is obviously thinking differently." Here Hook toned down the severity to his voice so that he sounded wistful instead, "And he still has an entire faction to lead. You are the second-in-command, and it is your duty to support your leader in every way you could. You obviously occupy a very large part of our leader's thoughts, so I must ask you to use your influence wisely."
With this last admonishment, Hook left the Seeker to his bewildered state as he headed back down the hall. Starscream's mind still refused to accept what he heard was true even as he watched the medic's retreating form. It was bad enough that Megatron was once again stricken, but to have seemly lost his morale…
He was struck by sudden guilt that he hadn't allowed his leader to have the opportunity to apologize. What had he been so afraid of, as to avoid Megatron at every opportunity except for his mandatory reports? Did the warlord look like he would lash out at Starscream again? He certainly didn't, for he recalled sneaking a glance at the other when Megatron wasn't looking, and was surprised by the amount of regret and grief found in his optics.
Starscream could never hope to understand what had been going through Megatron's mind during this period of time. But one thing was clear: Somehow he had not being in control of himself back them. So when he regained himself and realized what he had done, the first thing he wanted to do was to make amends as soon as possible.
The proud and stately Megatron... asking for another as would a sparkling his caretakers and begging...
Starscream couldn't even begin to imagine such a sight, but he felt unexpected pity well up within him. Any mech would regret what he had done and apologize, or distance themselves to give both of them to recover before doing so. But Megatron… had apparently given way beneath his self-condemnation first.
Why though? Why had his leader reacted so strongly? The warlord who had survived countless defeated battles giving way under the despair of seeing his second avoid him for solar cycles. Did Starscream truly affect him this much? Why though? It was the last thing he expected the other to do, military warlord and rational leader he was.
He had never thought of Megatron's once unwelcome interest in him this way. He never really stopped to wonder how his leader saw him, for he had been so caught up in trying to figure out the other's past, his recent coldness, his strange longing and his mental condition. In any case, it was enough to cause Megatron more torment than normal when he realized he had raised a hand against his second.
What did this mean? What should it mean?
The Seeker wanted to blame it on the unveiling of Project Omega and the associated struggle of dealing with such a threat. But he already knew the answer in his spark.
And it threw Starscream's thoughts into confusion, because he never thought Megatron would ever be serious about whatever relationship that was developing between them.
He has been uttering your name again and again even after I gave him a sedative to help him rest. Asking to see you! Begging for your forgiveness!
Starscream's spark gave a painful twinge as he recalled Hook's words. Why was it during this dismal time, when he wanted to approach his leader the least, that Megatron should drop his cold and distant behavior? To show that he still cared… that he obviously saw his second more as a subordinate…
In the end, Starscream left for the warlord's quarters deep in the Trypticon base with a greater desire to find out about this than to listen to an apology. It wasn't a long journey, and soon Starscream was standing before a set of plain steel double doors. For some reason they weren't locked as he slid them open.
He had never been in Megatron's quarters before at the main base, so he couldn't help but look curiously around. The entire place was dimly lit by a soft purple light with a short corridor leading into another inner chamber. It was furnished very sparsely, with a large berth taking up one end of the room and a desk, a chair, a shelf and a personal console the other.
Starscream's attention was immediately drawn to the berth where Megatron lay sprawled on the covers. The sedative obviously wasn't working, for the large mech was not recharging peacefully at all. He tossed and turned frequently, ever so often clenching his fists hard and muttering inaudible words.
Moving as if in a trance, Starscream went to drag the chair beside the berth and sat down. For a moment he studied his fitfully recharging leader in silence. He could hardly recognize this mech as the same one he had met so many stellar cycles when he first joined the Decepticons, who by his grand words and persuasive speeches called for a reformation, who held his leadership with such confidence and authority. But Megatron seemed to belie sheer vulnerability in his recharge, looking much smaller than he actually was.
Who was Megatron really, the mech who had tried to court Starscream, get him into his berth, look out for his safety in battle and offline him all at once? The confident and calm leader Starscream served, or a disturbed mech who could either erupt into fits of rage or become so unstable that he could collapse any time?
The Seeker released a wistful sigh as he remembered the memorable cycles he spent with his leader. What should he do with those memories then? He had treasured them, going through them repeatedly when he felt down. These had been the times when he longed for something more with Megatron and to know him better. What had caused everything to become as they are this solar cycle?
Megatron's restless movements suddenly ceased as his optics onlined, the dull red color strangely prominent in the dim lighting. They widened with surprise upon seeing his second.
"Starscream…" The warlord's voice was raspy and weak.
"Go back to recharge, you glitch-headed fragger," Somehow the insult seemed to originate more from exasperation than irritation, "You collapsed from fragging stress! What kind of Decepticon leader does that?"
A dry chuckle, "This is a dream, isn't it? You've been avoiding me since... that. You would never in your right mind come to visit the mech who tried to throttle you the other solar cycle."
The Seeker was about to retort that it wasn't a dream when he saw bleariness and confusion in his optics. The sedative did work in a way; it made him a lot less alert. That was good. For once, Starscream didn't have anything he could say next.
Megatron sighed when the Seeker remained silent, shuttering his optics tiredly.
"I'm sorry for what happened at the command center the other day."
"Took you long enough." Starscream was expecting the apology to come along, but he wasn't about to give the other a chance to comment on his absence.
"I didn't even know what I was doing, let alone realize it was you I held in a choke hold. Did I say anything harmful? I didn't mean that either. I suppose it was just… that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was never your fault… that the plan didn't succeed." The warlord spoke haltingly, but there was true regret behind his voice. Starscream was again assaulted by a stab of guilt when he was reminded that he left Megatron in his pitiful state of torment for so long.
"Megatron—" The Seeker started.
"I placed too much hope in a hopeless last resort," Megatron continued on as if he didn't hear, "I just wanted the war to end… for the fighting to stop. I thought we would soon triumph when we took the colonies… but the Autobots were so persistent. It was once a war to win, but it is now… a matter of survival.
"I wanted it all to end so much. I wanted a new Cybertron… in which all mechs could live equally. I wanted the Decepticons to have their own place in society. And I want… a chance with you, Starscream…"
"What?" As if hearing the feared leader of the Decepticons confessing his personal thoughts weren't surprising enough, this declaration threw Starscream into greater bewilderment.
This must also be the work of the sedative, for Megatron would have never said such things openly. From the way the warlord spoke, he could tell these were some of his most guarded thoughts, never revealed under any circumstance.
"You… you never leave me alone, do you?" A faint smile tugged at the warlord's lips, "Whenever I have time to myself, my thoughts automatically turn to you. I saw how you performed in battle, and I had my share of surprises when you astonished me again and again. You have so much potential behind your attractive visage… I was so blind to not have seen it earlier."
Starscream stared dumbfounded at his leader. He was speaking nonsense, was he? Megatron never told him any of this before. If he had done it sooner, it would have saved Starscream so much confusion and emotional upheaval. Megatron was particularly declaring that he considered Starscream much more than a mere comrade or even an interfacing interest. It can't be true—
"When will this all end? I want to be done… with all the intrigue and the confusion I go through whenever I think of you. Once a mech I wanted in my berth… now my valued and most trusted second… and now… now…"
Here the warlord trailed off as he met Starscream's optics with some effort. He continued on nevertheless, his voice becoming hoarse with emotion.
"I fear what you… are becoming… to me. You managed… to challenge my entire ideology… my entire way of living… and almost upended the decisions I made this solar cycle because of my past. If I want to carry on as the leader my faction without faltering, I should… have left you alone a long time ago. But I can't… I… you already… mean too much to me…"
Starscream's intakes seemed to cease.
"When I know I cannot pursue something… more with you, I keep telling myself that I want you nevertheless. Will you ever comprehend my… struggles… if I ever worked up the courage to tell you my thoughts? I don't understand any of this… even though I spent so much time trying to. What is happening to me?"
With that, Megatron finally fell silent, but he continued to look at the Seeker steadily as if he were expecting him to reply. However, Starscream's processor was reeling from the amount of information he had received. He had certainly obtained his answer on how his leader saw him on this visit.
What had been going through Megatron's mind that he should behave so coldly and yet harbor so much of this sheer longing that permeated his voice?
You already mean too much to me.
Starscream tried to dismiss this as the ramblings of a muddled processor, but his spark gave a wrench so painful that he almost cried out. He managed to turn it into a muffled gasp as he bent double, hunching over himself in his chair. He caught his leader's optics once again, and had to look away completely this time before he could read them.
Why did it hurt so much?
When did his feelings for Megatron progress to the stage where it started to pain the Seeker physically like this? It seemed like it was millions of stellar cycles ago when Megatron first started to show his undesired interest that resulted in Starscream avoiding him. This progressed into gradual acceptance, and then into the gradual softening of his rejecting attitude when he saw how Megatron looked out for him in battle and proved himself to be a respectable leader.
He knew his thoughts about Megatron had changed once again even as he tried to understand the nature of this attraction between them. But Starscream had never thought Megatron would want to understand this also. The other's thoughts had been on him, just like Starscream's had been on Megatron.
Where was this heading to?
The yearning in his spark seemed to reach its peak as if responding to his leader's own. Starscream finally turned his helm to meet the warlord's optics. He saw only a simple need in them and sincerity of his words.
"I'm so sorry," Megatron whispered, "I'm so sorry that I raised my hand against you. I promised myself that I would not allow harm to come to you in any way... yet I..."
The warlord sighed again and continued on.
"I probably ruined any last chances for you to ever remain favorable towards me. Ironic... isn't it? I realized that most decisions I made lately... were all based on whether it will bide well for you... or not. I should be dedicating most of my efforts in leading my faction through the war, but now… I spend more time trying to keep you out of harm's way. Strange... why do I give you so much of my concern?"
Aren't you supposed to know the answer yourself? Starscream almost replied. But he was struck by sudden realization that his leader perhaps didn't even know it himself, let alone the Seeker.
Why indeed. Starscream had never really understood what had caused Megatron to change the nature of his interest. Nevertheless, his actions spoke what the warlord was unable to do so himself. Memories of his leader worrying over his battle wounds, his fierce determined expression as he backed up his second up in tight combat situations, being assigned to aerial assault for most battles, and most of all, the vulnerability Megatron often displayed when Starscream confronted him directly, played themselves once again.
His leader's concern… displayed enough times for the Seeker to acknowledge it openly and admit the responsive warm surges in his spark, causing him so much confusion over how Megatron saw him.
So this was why he wanted to say that it was Megatron rambling nonsense under the influence of the sedative. It can't be true. Megatron, who was previously only interested in having him for an interfacing partner, though he had progressively shown otherwise, now admitted that his second meant something more to him? What was going on in his leader's processor lately, that he should change so much in how he viewed his second?
Starscream risked another glance at the other. Megatron had shuttered his optics again, effectively concealing whatever emotion that struggled within him. But his faceplates now wore weariness so deep that it seemed to appear permanently etched into his features.
Who was Megatron? Why should Starscream become so affected by a mech who caused his own emotions to be thrown into such complicated contradiction? He both wanted to draw closer to his leader and to run away as fast as he could, both intrigued by Megatron's feelings towards him and appalled by how much the warlord's history controlled him.
But despite everything, the other had gone out of his way to do so many things for him. He had meant it when he made the Seeker second-in-command in order to prevent assaults on his life like the taking of Kalis. Megatron tried his best to defend Starscream's unknowingly scathing words in that disastrous S Team meeting. He kept up a daily correspondence while they were stationed at Kalis and Altihex. In the particular memorable battle for Altihex, Megatron placed his own life on the line to save his second.
So many…
No matter what had happened, the warlord had always looked out for him in some way. Even when he had been struggling with his own rather-severe issues, he had never failed to extend his thoughts towards Starscream.
Towards him, Starscream, who had never had so much of another mech's attention directed at him without his conscious effort.
Without trying to, the Seeker flashed back to that unspoken cycle at the command center, shuddering as he recalled Megatron's iron grip around his neck cables. No, this kind of attention shouldn't have included such a violent encounter. This incident alone had clearly told Starscream that continuing this involvement with the other had a high chance of ending in disaster.
His confusion only increased. Like so many stellar cycles ago after the taking of Kalis, the Seeker no longer knew how he should see Megatron. Again the two contradictions warred within him furiously. Starscream gritted his dentas as he realized he probably needed to get out and sort his thoughts into order before making any kind of decision.
"Starscream." Megatron spoke his second's name once more.
Starscream made a choked sound as his spark twisted achingly. Suddenly his uncertainty didn't matter, for this time the other simply sounded affectionate, as if he had just gotten rid of a heavy load he was carrying for so long.
This was illogical, what remained of Starscream's reasonable side argued. Megatron had lost control and downright attacked the Seeker in a strange fit of blind fury. Instead of continual avoidance, here he was with a progressively softening spark.
Illogical, none of this made any sense. He didn't know what drew him always to his leader and caused him so much turmoil. It was all illogical, groundless, unreasoned.
But it felt so right.
Megatron's right hand shifted slightly, as if reaching for something that wasn't there. Driven by this last thought, Starscream found the impulse to lay his palm on his leader's, who smiled again and squeezed the smaller hand fondly.
"If only it were so easy for you to forgive me in reality."
"You have an usually clear mind in a dream, you overreacting scrapheap. Just shut up, will you?" Starscream admonished without much of his usual vehemence.
Megatron fell silent, but his optics stayed online as he kept his vision fixated on the Seeker. For a while the two remained so, with Starscream sitting with his helm lowered and Megatron lying on his berth with the smaller mech's hand clasped tightly in his.
"Stay..." The warlord suddenly whispered.
"Do you have to ask? You already ruined my plans for the rest of the solar cycle." Starscream returned, but oddly enough he did not care much about that.
Slag it all. He didn't want to try to make sense of this anymore.
He leaned forward and rested his other palm against the side of Megatron's angled helm. His leader turned to nuzzle into the touch, and the Seeker could feel the little gusts of air from his intakes. That strange fondness continued to swell within him at this endearing action, so much that Starscream allowed the contact to stay, even starting to stroke at his cheekplates lightly. At this Megatron shuttered his optics with a sigh of content.
Megacycles passed, and the warlord fell into recharge once again. However this time he settled down peacefully and no longer tossed and turned. The Seeker listened to his leader's steady breathing for a long silent while before discovering that he didn't really want to leave so soon.
He was willing to forgive Megatron, Starscream noted with a small start. The Seeker hadn't said it out loud, but he knew that he had already done so. Everything that happened for the past few solar cycles seemed so far away.
All that mattered now was the realization that his leader took this relationship between them more seriously than he thought. Megatron may or may not have made a concrete decision about his feelings towards his second, but Starscream already acknowledged the fact that he had been truly touched by his leader's sincerity. He didn't stop to think incredulously that he had doled out his forgiveness so easily.
Because for some reason, Starscream could never cut off Megatron completely.
He deserved forgiveness, the Seeker thought placidly as he regarded the recharging mech in silence. But the ease of doing so disturbed him slightly. Why did he always accept Megatron's attempts of reconciliation whenever things got bad? His spark had always softened upon listening to his leader's sparkfelt explanations and promises, always constricting with longing when his optics met Megatron's.
With a shudder, Starscream dismissed that line of thought before he wondered if he also held his leader in more importance than he realized. The other's words had been more than enough to ponder on this solar cycle.
The uncertain apprehension stayed with the Seeker, mingled indefinitely with his sentiments, as his fingers inadvertently wrapped around Megatron's. Try as he might, he could not deny the relief in him that once again, he was able to come to terms with both his leader and his own emotions.
Starscream onlined his optics.
He hadn't realized he had fallen into recharge on the chair beside the berth. Checking his chronometer, he saw it was still early before the morning watch would replace the middle. The Seeker should be heading back to his own quarters now.
His hand was still clutched by Megatron tightly, and now he saw that the large mech had rolled over to the edge of the berth until he was lying curled right beside Starscream. His spark again clenched at the oddly attaching sight.
Starscream managed to extricate his hand with some difficulty as he got ready to leave. He wanted to stay with his recharging leader a little longer, but he still had duties to attend to, perhaps even more now that Megatron was not fit to work. Though before the Seeker departed, he gave the warlord one last stroke on his faceplates.
Starscream failed to notice Megatron's optics onlining right after he left. He raised one hand to his cheek as if to recall the affectionate touch.
Then a genuine smile graced his lips.