Summery: We all love LotR, but sometimes the seemingly never-ending battles for the freedom of Middle Earth can become somewhat…tiresome. The solution? Why, a parody of course!
HOBBIT HIDE AND CROSSDRESSING CONCERNS
They all watched in horror as the ring bearer, the last hope for the future of middle earth, the reason for this whole damned mission, the person whose importance I could go on and on and on—well, you get the point—about, fell pathetically to the ground looking as if he was going to hurl as a large spear wielded by the giant, ugly, and incredibly stupid beast known as a mountain troll, looking all the while as if it was rather confused at what had just transpired, pierced his fair hobbit hide.
The troll was quickly vanquished in penance for the death of the poor, little hobbit, also known as Frodo. Now why hadn't they thought of doing that before Frodo was skewered like a wild boar?
As they all approached their fallen friend, everything seeming to pause about them, all sound ceasing (even the overly dramatic music that had been blaring loudly in their ears and distracting them to no end), as if in grief over the loss of poor, little Frodo. But, just as they were getting ready to shed their grief for the hobbit, snatch the necklace bearing The One Ring—a very original title if ever I have seen one—and be on their way, they saw their 'deceased' friend began to stir.
"Ghost!" Pippin cried out in alarm, pointing a frantic finger at Frodo's 'ghost' as his eyes went wide with fear.
"No, you dolt!" Merry answered Pippin's exclamation with exasperation, smacking him upside the head as if to knock some sense into him. "Can't you see that that's Frodo? He's obviously not as dead as we had thought. In fact, he's not dead at all," Merry explained, wondering how Frodo's thin, somewhat flabby, hobbit hide had managed to save him from what they had assumed was his fate. Perhaps it would even have been better to put him out of his misery early on in the journey. Then, at least, we could all have gone home.
Apparently the others were, if their expressions were anything to go by, wondering the same thing as Merry—the thing about the hobbit hide, not going home (not that they would have complained at the chance to return to their homelands and the comfort they would be sure to enjoy once they returned)—if their expressions were anything to go by.
"That spear would have skewered a wild boar," Aragorn spoke eloquently, expressing—for the most part—the sentiments that the rest of the fellowboat—umm…I mean fellowship—shared.
Instead of Frodo answering as they had expected, it was Gandalf that replied. "I believe that there is more to this hobbit than meets the eye," he spoke sagaciously, a twinkle in his eye, despite the apparent danger they were all still in. Most were disappointed at Gandalf's lack of useful information. Something's going on that we don't see? No shit, Sherlock!
Frodo suddenly began to unbutton his shirt. They looked at him with confusion. "This is no time for a strip tease, Frodo," Legolas spoke earnestly, "The blow must have addled his mind," he added knowledgably, almost hoping that he was right, therefore giving Frodo some sort of excuse for his inappropriate behavior.
But Frodo paid him no heed, merely continuing to take his shirt off, revealing…"Is that a bra!" Merry cried in an odd mixture of shock and horror. They all stopped dead to stare incredulously at the smooth, silvery, very feminine looking material that Frodo wore beneath his traveling shirt.
"I would never have guessed you to be a cross dresser," Boromir muttered almost inaudibly, as if the comment was intended only for himself, though the resounding silence that had blanketed them made his words quite easily heard by them all.
Sam looked rather shocked, the hero worshipping of his Mister Frodo slightly dimmed. Though he did have to admit that that bra thing--or whatever it was--did look rather…nice on Frodo, if he dared admit such a thing.
A look of sudden realization dawned on Gimli's face. "Mithril," he mumbled under his breath, almost as if he was trying to convince himself that what he spoke was the truth. "It's mithril," he said, louder this time, letting out a shaky breath in relief. The others soon followed his example, letting out relieved sighs of their own, as they realized that Gimli spoke true.
And so it was that they had another…interesting event to add to their growing list of adventures (or more often misadventures) experienced on their greater quest to destroy The One Ring. Who knew that traveling to Mount Doom to face their seemingly imminent demise could be so entertaining?
THE END?
Author's Notes: Umm…yeah, this has been stored away on my computer for a long time and I was planning on using this in my full-length LotR parody, but I'm too lazy to actually update that. So, I decided that I would just post this as a one-shot with the possibility of more random takes on scenes from the movies being added; if I'm so inclined. Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading the ficlet. ;)