Pain
I thought a lot about what Dom had said. She loved me but needed space away from me. I was hurt. Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were between us, thats all I wanted.
In the beginning, we were good together. Dominique was super sweet. Sitting alone in my hotel room, I kept thinking back to those moments we had shared early on together. Smiling in my head, I remember the first time we had to talk about our first kissing scene together. God, I remember Dom being so jumpy all of a sudden about it. "Dom, come sit, we got to practice!" Dom was really nervous about it. I kept teasing her about the kiss and telling her that Emily said we were going to become Gay Icons so we had to make it really good. Thinking back I feel bad about it all now, my teasing brought her to tears that evening. "Dom, come here and pucker up." I was so insensitive. Next, I remember saying "Dom, are you crying?" I remember Dom storming into the bathroom. Thinking back now, I feel bad because I didn't understand what she was really going through. To be really honest I felt annoyed because we had a job to do. And to see she was crying, well frankly, I just didn't understand. Beside, it was just kissing.
All I knew is that we needed to practice and it needed to be good. God, I was so selfish thinking back now. When Dominique came out of the bathroom I remember telling her, "Can we get this over, I got plans with Ray tonight." I remember shoving myself on top of her and just kissing her. I still remember Dom's entire body shaking under me as I went through the scene. Not for a second, did I care about how she was feeling nor did I ask if she was okay with what I was doing. I just knew it had to be done. After the kissing scene was rehearsed, I remember getting up off of her and telling her if she didn't mind leaving because I had to get ready for my date with Ray. Dom's face was completely flushed as she exited my trailer.
During this time period, Ray and I were living together and I was hoping he would marry me. Things were different after mine and Dom's first kissing scene. For example, Dom no longer bothered to hangout onset after we were done shooting. She started distancing herself from me. Every time we would practice our love scenes together, she would let me lead and do exactly as I said. Sometimes I would still feel her trembling but I would never stopped to ask her if she was okay. When Ray and I finally got married, Dom didn't go to our wedding. I could tell something was off with her. One day I made a comment to Mel about Dom, I said she looked skinnier than usual and I was worried about her. Mel mockingly said, "I would probably be wasting away too if the love of my life married someone else." This is when i realized what the entire cast and crew knew that I did not, Dominique Provost Chalkley was in love with me. I was furious.
You can imagine my surprise. I really didn't know. This was also the first time I confronted her about it. God, that was a big mistake. I still regret my approach with her, Dominique had always been so sweet and kind. I had no right to hurt her like I did that day.
Walking into her trailer, "Dominique, is it true that you are in love with me? Why didn't you tell me you were a gay person?" I was angry when she did not respond to me. She just sat there in her trailer looking at her lap with tears running down her cheeks. "Dom, answer me! How come everyone knew you were a Lesbian before me, that is wasn't fair to me! How could you do that to me?" But, Dominique did not say one word as I said all those awful things to her. I still regret calling her a "gay person, a lesbian." After that I saw less and heard less from Dominique.
I will admit, I got weird around her after that. I no longer wanted her holding my hand off camera or hugging me. I would ask for privacy every time she would walk into wardrobe, she would quickly leave. I even went as far as telling Emily to cut back on some of our intimate scenes. I remember I refused to do a semi nude scene with Dominique in bed during Season 3. I still remember what I said during our table read through with all cast members present. "Emily, I am not doing a nude scene with Dominique, she is gay." Dominique broke out in tears as Mel ushered her out of the room. I made it sound like she had a disease. Dominique never said a single word about it to me, she remained kind and professional.
Despite my awful behavior, everyone still allowed me and Dominique our privacy and to work out our own problems. With time things got easier, slowly I and Dom started getting comfortable again.