Smellyface: Hokay, so this is the last update this weekend. I'll be back with more next week, I promises. Also, this is the chapter with a lot (but not the most!)of fat-guy-jokes and shameless self-advertising for my last unserious thingummy. Hur-hur-hur...
Also, I'm well aware that the janitor doesn't make sense, but I don't know the Spanish word for Japanese, so meh...
Enjoy, y'hear! And leave some reviews on your way out, they make me giggle inside. :)
- - -
Lee answered his cell phone with a bored look on his face.
"M-hm?" he mumbled, checking his watch again with a smile.
"Lee?" a voice said in the other end.
"Jin? Why are you calling me? How did you get my number?"
"I got your invitation. I called to warn you and to check the food."
"Warn me? About what?"
"About the party, Lee. I did one three years ago, it was horrible! A damn nightmare! You don't want to experience that, trust me!"
"Sure I do. Give me some horrid stuff."
"Alright…" Jin cleared his throat. "Gun Jack wrecked my table, Ogre and Anna had sex in my closet, Hwoarang was very gay in my kitchen, Mokujin sat on the couch…"
"Mokujin isn't invited." Lee added quietly, but was ignored.
"…yelled 'beer' all the time, Eddy brought a D.J., Ogre and Paul had sex in my bathtub, Paul and Nina had sex in my bathroom, Ogre befouled my nice leather trench-coat, Law was extremely gay in my kitchen, someone threw up in my bedroom, I had to see Lei in a Cat woman suit, King broke my bathroom window, I got cheese all over my face, I found a disgusting picture of Brad Pitt with a ring around his genitals, everyone got drunk – especially Yoshimitsu, I still have the ugly hung-over picture of me taped on my fridge and Julia and Yoshimitsu had sex in my bed all over my mother's good old sheets!"
Jin caught his breath again. Lee stared blankly in front of himself, shaking his head slowly.
"Wait, Julia and Yoshimitsu…?"
"Yeah!"
Lee wrinkles his nose, disgusted.
"Yoshimitsu has a penis?"
"I suppose. I didn't really check."
"I did not want to picture that, Jin! Good GOD!" he screamed. He made some more disgusted noises.
"Seriously, why did you do that to me?"
"See! See what you can expect!"
"Alright, alright, alright…" Lee tried to calm himself down. "What should I do to avoid that?"
"First of all, no alcohol whatsoever! Nothing! Under no circumstances! Do you hear me?"
"Yeah."
"Secondly, don't let anyone even talk about sex. Especially Paul. Stay away from Paul!"
"Why? Oh, right, the rape thing."
"Yeah, and…" Jin fell silent for a while. "You know about the rape thing?"
Lee cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed.
"Yeah, um… he kinda… attacked me, you know? I tried to fight him Jin, I promise, but he smacked me in the head with a toaster."
"What?"
"I was having breakfast!"
"Whatever… you think you can handle that?"
"Yeah, I got it. No alcohol, no sex. Got it."
"Good. Now about the food… what's being served?"
"Let's see…" Lee took a note out of his pocket. "Um… snails fried with honey, something called pot barley and fried pork, deep fried banana with cream and ice-cream, sprinkled with sugar and syrup, and some brandy. The brandy isn't fried. But I think I'll make the chef replace the brandy with Mountain Dew or something now…"
The phone almost emitted waves of stunned silence.
"What the HELL, Lee! Are you trying to kill us all?"
"What? I think it sounds delicious. Except the pot barley thing…"
"Yeah, but… think of the cholesterol! Haven't I ever told you about that? If you serve that junk, everyone who eats it dies at least three years earlier, you fool!"
Lee sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Oh great, here we go…" he muttered to himself while Jin continued to preach about the importance of good meals, salads and dark bread.
"Mhm. Mhm. Mhm… mm… yeah… mhm… I know… mhm…" he mumbled every now and then before noticing one of the janitors in the other side of the room. He motioned to him to come closer and gave him the phone. The janitor stared at it for a while before he checked if there was anyone in the other end. When noticing that there was, he let go of the phone and held it close to his ear using his shoulder. He continued to mop the floor while listening to what Jin was saying.
"…with some porridge in the morning. You got all that, Lee?"
The janitor didn't answer.
"Lee? Are you there? Hello!"
"Ne habla inglés, señor." The janitor replied happily before beginning to clean a window.
- - -
Anna looked cautiously over the top of the couch. She quickly ducked another plate that crashed into the wall behind her.
"Another miss! YOU SUCK!"
"Shut up!" Nina growled. "It's still my house!"
"No! I bought it for my own money! It's my house, and you ate all my ice-cream, bitch!"
"It's my house!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too times three million!"
"Is not times INFINITY!"
"Is…" Nina paused and then gave her a frustrated growl. "You cheated!"
"Get out of my house, Nina! Don't make me call mom again!"
"It IS my house! I already put my toothbrush in the cup in the bathroom."
"Eew, isn't that Mr. Callahan's cup?"
Nina considered that for a moment before shuddering violently.
"Eeeeeew!"
"Listen, Nina… can't we compromise, somehow?"
"No, I…" she was interrupted by her cell phone. She took it up. "Hang on, Anna, I think I have to take this."
She pressed the green button.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, hi, I want to order, uh… 45 colas and a pizza with anchovies." Ordered some guy who sounded confused or drunk. Nina frowned.
"What?"
"Yeah! 45 colas and a pizza! With onions."
"Eddy Gordo? Is that you?"
"Hey! Don't backtalk me, nurse! Now do you have a room for me or not?"
"No, you see, I…"
"And the bed! It has to be king sized! WITHOUT monkeys this time!"
"No, no, no, no… you can't order that from me. I'm…"
"Hey." Eddy interrupted her, sounding even more confused than before. "Are you new? Where's Stan? Can I talk to Stan?"
"I don't…"
"Hi Staaaan!"
"Listen! You can't order anything from me! I'm Nina Williams! Not some pizza guy named Stan, okay!"
"Nina Williams?"
"Yes."
"I once knew a chick named Nina. She was such a bitch. I mean, you might think you've met bitches before, but no one is a bitchier bitch than that bitch. Right Christie?"
It was quiet for a while.
"Yeah, Christie says she's a bitch. She's a bitch, right? Now what about my 45 pizzas?"
"Eddy, you should really lay off the dope for a while."
Eddy gasped in the other end.
"My cupcakes are ready! Sorry, Stan, but I have to pick my mother up on the airport. See ya!"
Nina heard Eddy press some numbers on the phone randomly.
"Hey… are you an alien?" he yelled at the phone. Nina hung up when he began to ask Christie about the alien phone. She gave Anna a puzzled look.
"What was that all about?" Anna asked.
"He thought I was a pizza nurse named Stan. Then he yelled at the phone."
"Oh."
There was a short silence.
"Want to check what's on the TV right now?"
"Yeah, sure."
- - -
Ganryu checked himself in the mirror with a hesitant look on his face.
"I don't know… is this really good?"
"I don't know either, Gan." Replied one of his sumo friends on the couch. There were three of them in total.
"Maybe you should try the pink one?"
"I told you already, I don't want that… stuff… to happen again."
"Yeah… that was unpleasant business for everyone involved."
Everyone shuddered. Ganryu turned back towards the mirror, looking at himself.
"I don't know…" Ganryu looked at himself again. The thong looked good, but still… He turned around, posing.
"Do I look fat in this?" he asked.
"Oh, no! Not at all!" one of them said loudly, waving his hands to prove how right he was. "Whoever says that is a big meanie!"
Another one tried to say something, but only managed to grunt. Ganryu nodded slowly, then sighed deeply.
"You're lying, aren't you?"
"No!"
"No!"
"Uuugh…"
"Yes, you are! I DO look fat in this!" he whined and burst into tears.
"Aaaw, Ganryu!"
"Cheer up, buddy!"
"I know how we can cheer you up!"
All three stood up slowly before stretching out their arms.
"50 POUNDS OF CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM!" they roared. Ganryu looked up with a happy grin.
"Yay!"
The happy gathering of sumo wrestlers ran out of the room.