Nevermind, you're too hot: Alright, peoples, this is the very last chapter. It's very stupid but you're probably used to that by now.Some of the characters have now dropped the behaviours they had adopted earlier, it's because we were a bit lazy. Alright, screw that, I got a bit lazy since I had to write all of this and no matter how sad it might sound, I have a real life too.Some of the characters appear in several epilouges, this is not because we want to passionately hump them, it's because we just thoughtthey fit in there.
As I said, this is the last chapter. We had a lot of fun doing this story (except the actual writing-the-good-ideas-that-don't-look-as-good-on-paper-as-gasped-between-fits-of-laughter, I always get stuck with that boring part that is logic...), I got random chestpains of happiness caused by the fanfiction-mails in my inbox and I hope we brought some smiles to your faces. That's right. Everyone of your faces.
Leave your review on the way out.
- - -
EPILOGUES
Vacation?
Yoshimitsu and Eddy sat by a table in a generic, smoky French cafeteria. Eddy looked around, slightly bored already. Yoshimitsu's head lay against the surface of the table, next to an empty bowl. He suddenly jerked his head up. He was grinning and his eyes were quite kaleidoscopic. Again.
"So anyway, I said to myself I said… HEY, STUPID! And then this guy see, he turned around and that's when I got to see the popcorn flowers bloom in the heated microwave, but I was TOO LATE though, they had already bloomed and changed colour from white to black and smelly." He rambled, grinning happily all along. Eddy nodded slowly and looked up at the roof.
"I wonder if I can be a politician by saying that we are the good guys and the bad guys are bad as long as they don't do something good, then we can take the credit for it like when aliens attack or something, and then WE'LL be the heroes again, unless they come in war then it's their fault." He pondered and paused for a short while. "They brought the aliens here."
"True, true…"
They were quiet for a little while before Eddy dug into his pocket and, completely without reason, gave Yoshimitsu his cell phone. Yoshimitsu stared at it, dialled a random three-digit number and held the phone to his ear.
"Yeah, hello, I want pizza in the bed tomorrow at three o'clock in the morning…" he paused for a while before he smiled in a disturbingly fake way. "Sorry sir, but this is the Chemistry Club, wanna join!"
Eddy glared at him and took the phone back.
"Hell no." he muttered. Yoshimitsu looked at the empty bowl and raised his hand.
"Excuse me, waitress!" he called out, pointing at the bowl when she came to them. "The soup seems to be missing."
The waitress took a small step backwards, smiling nervously.
"Monsieur… You ate that soup. Remember?"
Yoshimitsu blinked quickly and frowned at her.
"Oh yeah, well there's a fly in it and I don't want it!"
"Yeah!" Eddy added.
"Yeah."
"Yeah!"
The waitress rolled her eyes, took the empty bowl and walked away. Eddy and Yoshimitsu looked at each other.
"We're dumbasses." Eddy chuckled.
"Yeah."
They broke out into incoherent laughter. Eddy suddenly snorted, which startled Yoshimitsu and made him look up at the ceiling.
"What the hell was that!" he hissed. Eddy chuckled again.
"Dude, you're hilarious and not me, know why?"
Yoshimitsu glared at him.
"Because you're not a funny clown, Eddy."
Eddy leant back from him, giving him a worried stare.
"Now you're creeping me out, man." He said quietly. Yoshimitsu shook his head.
"Sorry, dude. I will never attack Godzilla again!"
"Yeah, stay away from Godzilla, what has he ever done to you?"
Yoshimitsu stared at him.
"Eh? WHAT?"
"Aaah!" Eddy cried out, startled. "Dude, you scared me again."
"Sorry."
They were quiet for a while again. Yoshimitsu looked at the midget bouncer at the door, who was holding a bottle of champagne, and frowned slightly.
"Hey, man… whatever happened to that boat man, cuz I don't know maybe Lee…" he paused to hiccup violently. "…kicked us out, you remember?"
Eddy rolled his eyes and sighed deeply.
"Dude, you talk non-grammar. Let's walk over to the bar!"
"Yes!" Yoshimitsu replied happily. They got up from the table and unsteadily walked to the counter, where the waitress looked at them suspiciously. Eddy leant against the counter and grinned flirtingly at her.
"Excuse me, I want a room and several pizza." He purred.
"Yeah." Yoshimitsu added. The waitress gave him a weak smile and made a discreet gesture towards the bouncer, who sighed.
"But this champagne is two years old!" he moaned quietly in French. She gestured a little bit more urgently, which made him sigh, walk towards them and climb up on a table behind Eddy. Yoshimitsu gave him a questioning look as the bouncer raised the bottle and smacked it in the back of Eddy's head. It gave a humorous little clink. Eddy looked up at the ceiling.
"…the hell?" he mumbled. The bouncer added some more strength to the hit and this time managed to smash it against his head, making Eddy collapse to the floor. Yoshimitsu looked down at him and then at the bouncer.
"So… how long will he be out?" he asked. The bouncer shrugged slightly.
"Half an hour?" he suggested.
"What'll I do to amuse myself now?" Yoshimitsu moaned. The bouncer sighed and dug into his pocket, presenting a deck of cards.
"I'll give you this if you drag him out."
Yoshimitsu squealed happily, took the deck of cards and dragged Eddy out on the street.
- - -
Yoshimitsu grinned, took the Ace of Spades and flicked it at Eddy's face. He then giggled happily. About half of the deck already laid spread around his head, some of the cards sticking to his face. Eddy suddenly sat up, groaning as he rubbed a lump at the back of his head.
"What happened?" he mumbled. Yoshimitsu shook his head quickly.
"I didn't suck champagne from your hair!" he exclaimed loudly. Eddy gave him a questioning look. Yoshimitsu glanced nervously from side to side.
"Um… I don't know."
They looked at each other for a long while again. Eddy sighed deeply.
"I wanna go home. Where's Lee and the rest of the Japaneseses at this hour, Yoshimitsu?"
"At Japaniah?"
"Yeah… where's that?"
"Uhm…" Yoshimitsu pointed in a random direction. "That way?"
"You sure?"
"No. Let's ask for directions!" he said loudly, stood up and formed his hands to a funnel around his mouth.
"WHERE'S JAPANIAH?" he called out. Two French guys were walking past and stopped, staring at them. They looked at each other.
"East!" one of them finally replied. Yoshimitsu stroked his chin, considering it.
"Oh, yeah…? Eats?"
Eddy's head jerked up.
"Pizza?"
Yoshimitsu grinned wildly.
"Yeah pizza!"
"Where's pizza now?" Eddy screeched. Yoshimitsu gave him a questioning glance.
"In Japaniah?"
"PIE!"
Yoshimitsu shuddered.
"No…! Hell no…!"
Eddy looked at the two French guys who were still staring.
"HOW MANY MILES TO JAPANIAH?" he cried out, unnecessarily loud. The Frenchmen looked at each other. One of them shrugged slightly.
"600…?" he suggested.
"Oh yeah…" Eddy mumbled and seemed to realize something. "We're really gonna need a cab. Got cash?"
Yoshimitsu dug in his pocket.
"Yeaah… about three bucks and 30 grams of catnip, dude." He replied and chuckled, looking at the small bag of catnip with a grin.
- - -
The taxi driver looked back at his passengers in the rear view mirror. They had told him they wanted to go to some place called 'Japaniah', which he thought was Japan. He looked at the taximeter. They had 598 more miles to go, if they were right about that. He cleared his throat.
"Okay…" he began. He had a thick, French accent. "I'm thinking about a famous rock band."
Eddy looked up.
"Uhm… T'Who?"
Yoshimitsu glared at him.
"Eddy, you're stupid. It's not The Who. It's…" he took a deep breath. "…IRON MAIDEN!" he cried out and began insane head-banging. After a short while, Eddy and the driver joined in. Yoshimitsu stopped and looked a bit light-headed.
"Whoa… Boskonovitch told me not to do that anymore…"
- - -
Just a mile later…
Eddy sighed deeply and tapped the driver's shoulder.
"Are we there yet?" he moaned. Yoshimitsu poked his head out between the front seats. He was drooling slightly.
"Can we stop for eye-scream?" he asked, grinning. The driver sighed, rolled his eyes and turned the radio on instead. Eddy noticed the taximeter.
"Wow… Yoshimitsu, look at all the numbers!"
Yoshimitsu looked at it.
"Yeah… and it's growing!"
They stared at it, grinning in a fascinated way. The driver smiled evilly to himself.
Words of the King
The audience roared for more.
King looked up from his just recently fallen foe, eyeing the cheering crowd, breathing heavily. Small drips of sweat ran down his throat. He clenched and relaxed his fists, waiting for whatever might happen next. He felt a surge of adrenalin and grinned under the mask, enjoying the thrill only this might give him. He looked down at his beaten adversary. He made a snorting sound at him and took a few steps to the side. He leant down and picked up a microphone being offered to him. He stared out again, his eyes hit over and over by the flashes from cameras, the roaring sound from the crowd never diminishing. He raised the microphone to his mouth, hearing his own breath multiplied. He smirked under the mask again, pointed out towards the audience and began his speech.
The crowd finally fell silent, surprised by the long monologue of only snarling sounds coming from the man in the wrestling ring. He didn't seem to notice, continuing his speech without even a stutter. He finally stopped, breathing quickly. No one in the entire room said a single word. King looked around again, waiting for something. The spotlight went out with a depressing click. King bowed his head down with a disappointed 'rawr'.
Come On!
Jin stared down at the ground, correcting his gloves with a stern look on his face. He could hear Paul and Forest talking to each other in quiet voices behind him, most likely discussing something of little importance, as usual. They stood in a completely abandoned parking lot, with just a few trees here and there. Jin glanced up at the sky, breathing deeply to calm himself down. The rain-heavy clouds made the sky looked imposing and just served to make the town landscape look even more depressing than usual. The first few raindrops fell. He noticed the two men behind him had stopped their talking. He clenched his fists.
"Hey, Kazama!" Paul called out, smiling to himself. "You ready yet?"
Jin turned around, immediately going into battle-stance.
"Come on." He said shortly and gritted his teeth. Paul remained in his battle-stance for just a few moments more. He blinked and frowned at Jin.
"Did you just call me a small, colourful fish?" he asked, pointing accusingly at Jin. Jin raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"No, I…" he began.
"Oh, that's it, you son of a…!" Paul interrupted, once again going into battle-stance. "Salmon!" he called, grinning somewhat evilly. Forest looked at Jin again, as if awaiting a witty response. Jin shook his head slowly.
"I didn't…!" he tried to explain, but was interrupted again by a noise, rapidly growing louder.
"Shaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrk!" Yoshimitsu cried out at he leapt down from a nearby rooftop, landing in a very impressive pose. The three fighters already there stared at him.
"That's pretty cool." Forest noted. Marshall appeared out of nowhere.
"Seahorse." He said loudly, stopping right next to Forest, who glanced at him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. Marshall shrugged. A motorcycle pulled up to a nearby house, the driver leaping off it almost immediately. Hwoarang glared at them all.
"Seagull." He said. Paul shook his head at him. Hwoarang thought for a moment.
"Um… tuna?" he said hesitantly, looking at Paul, who shrugged. A woman came running out of nowhere, stopping just a bit away from Jin and Paul. She grinned at the fighters.
"Octopus!" Asuka exclaimed. The gathering was quiet for a while, as if waiting for something. They all looked at Forest at the same time. He looked around.
"Oh! Um… squid!" he said. Asuka glared at him and put her hand on her side.
"Octopus and squid is the same thing!" she complained. Forest mimicked her enraged stance almost identically.
"No! Squid is sexier…" he replied, for some unknown reason lisping heavily, and made a strange, purring sound. Jin gave him an unbelieving look.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked. Paul and the Laws glared at him. Yoshimitsu finally broke his impressive pose and raised his hands questioningly.
"Is there going to be a fight or what?" he asked, looking around at all the fighters. Jin glared at Paul.
"Screw it. I'm too angry to fight now." He muttered and walked away, randomly kicking the ground. Paul and the Laws looked at each other.
"So… let's grab some sushi." Paul suggested happily, clapping his hands together. Hwoarang looked at them hopefully.
"Can I come?" he asked. The three older men looked at each other.
"No." they all said simultaneously. Hwoarang looked down on the ground with a disappointed, quiet moan.
Craig Marduk: The Kangaroo Hunter
Marduk grinned into the camera, trying to look the least intimidating as possible. He waved cheerfully.
"Hello, mates, and welcome to another episode of The Kangaroo Hunter! Tonight we're going to try and catch the rarely seen Red Kangaroo!" he said with an uncharacteristically exaggerated Australian accent and held up a picture of a quite ordinary kangaroo in front of the camera. It looked like he had drawn it himself. The cameraman snickered quietly. Marduk ignored him.
"Alright, this is one sneaky bugger, so we're gonna try to… oh, there's one right there."
He pointed to the side. The cameraman turned the camera that way, revealing a whole pack of kangaroos. Marduk cleared his throat.
"Um… yeah. Well, we can't just sneak up on these, as you all know."
Flashback! Another episode, where a kangaroo grazed quietly on a grassy hill. Marduk suddenly leaped out of a bush, screaming incoherently as he ran towards it. The kangaroo gave him a calm look, slowly raised his leg and gave him a killer kick to the nuts. Marduk collapsed in a heap of human pain, screaming shrilly. In the background, the cameraman's sadistic chuckling can be heard. Back to today's episode.
"Alright! Now I'm dressed up as a bird!" Marduk exclaimed happily and put his hands in his sides, grinning towards the camera, wearing a hilarious blue bird suit. He turned towards the pack of kangaroos, grinning wildly as he glanced towards the camera.
"Now let's see if they fall for it, mates!" he said and ran off, making funny bird noises. The cameraman giggled to himself as Marduk ran around in circles, jumped around and actually made a few somersaults, just to confuse the kangaroos, who weren't interested in him. As he came closer, they just took a few steps away. Marduk finally gave up on the bird thing and tried to attack one, which gracefully avoided him. Marduk remained on the ground for a while, breathing heavily, before he got up and jogged back to the cameraman, stripping himself of the bird suit.
"Alright." He said to the camera, wiping some sweat from his brow. "I think I've been using the completely wrong tactic here. So now I'm going to try to take one out from a distance."
He accepted a boomerang from the cameraman, took careful aim and simply threw it towards the kangaroos. The two men looked at it disappearing over the kangaroos' heads. Marduk stomped the ground.
"Crikey! It just won't work!" he snarled. "Alright, that's it. Now I'm using my own boomerang!"
He then disappeared out of sight for a while and returned with a humongous boomerang. He weighed it in his hand and grinned.
"Let's see those buggers dodge this!" he snarled and threw it towards them. The cameraman turned the camera after it. No one said anything for a long while.
"Crikey! It's coming back!" Marduk shouted and leapt to the side with a frightened, funny noise. The boomerang crashed into the ground, right where Marduk used to be. The cameraman filmed Marduk on the ground, protecting his head with his arms. He looked up.
"Right, those buggers come right back." He said, grinning sheepishly. "I'd forgotten."
Without warning, the first boomerang came out of nowhere and smacked into Marduk's head, right above his ear. Marduk passed out without a sound. The cameraman kept filming him. He poked his head with his foot.
"Mr. Marduk? Sir?" he asked with a stereotypical cracking teen-voice, sounding a bit more worried each second. He spun the camera around and filmed himself.
"Um… join us next week for the, um… breathtaking conclusion… I'm the cameraman. Bye." he said and smiled hesitantly. In the background, you could hear Marduk's unconscious grunts.
Making Him a Man
Jin mumbled incoherently and opened his eyes, looking around. He didn't recognize the room. It took a long while before he realized he wasn't even in a room. He looked around more closely and wondered for a moment just why he was chained to a rocket. A huge rocket.
Seemingly aimed towards space.
He noticed a lift coming up towards him. In it was Heihachi, Kazuya and an old man in a wheelchair, apparently sleeping. The first two glared at him. The lift came to a stop right in front of him. Jin gave them all puzzled looks.
"What the hell is going on here?" he asked.
"We're sick of you wussing around all the time!" Heihachi snarled at him.
"Yeah!" Kazuya added. "You're dragging our good family name into the dirt."
"I don't even have your name."
Heihachi and Kazuya glanced at each other.
"Shut up." Heihachi said shortly. He poked the older man.
"Got anything to say, dad?" he asked him. Jinpachi slurred something and went back to sleep. Heihachi shrugged.
"Oh well. Enjoy space, Jin! Let's go."
He picked up a remote control from his pocket. Kazuya stopped him by raising his hand.
"Wait, wait, wait! I want to spit at him!"
"Alright, just hurry up…"
Kazuya grinned evilly at Jin before he began sucking in air through his nose. He made a disgusting, wet sound and spat right in Jin's face.
"You are the weakest link! Goodbye!" he said quickly and cackled evilly as Heihachi lowered the lift again. The three men went up on a nearby hill, looking down on the rocket below them. Heihachi crossed his arms, smirking.
"Right! It's good to get rid of that brat once and for all."
"I second that."
Jinpachi woke up again and looked around, disoriented.
"Wussgoingon…?" he slurred. Heihachi poked his shoulder and pointed towards the rocket.
"Your great grandson is on that rocket. We're finally going to kill him off."
"Great grandson! I have one of those?" Jinpachi asked unnecessarily loudly. Heihachi rolled his eyes.
"Of course. Kazuya had to go through that 'teenage rebellion' thing and didn't just settle for piercing his nipple."
Kazuya sighed.
"Dad. That's a gay thing." He mumbled darkly. Heihachi ignored him and offered Jinpachi a remote control.
"Do you want to launch it, dad?"
Jinpachi looked up at him and frowned.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked. Heihachi grimaced.
"Dad… I'm your son!" He said with an unusually hurt tone of voice. Jinpachi frowned at him.
"I have a son?"
"Yes! See, I even got a paper to prove it!"
He dug into his pocket and shoved a paper in Jinpachi's face.
"See?"
Jinpachi stared blankly at it. Kazuya gave a frustrated sigh.
"Why did you bring him back to life, anyway?"
"I told you! For the dramatic effect! Plus, I couldn't stop him."
"Stop?"
"Mishima Family, Kazuya." Heihachi explained, giving him the 'you're-an-idiot-look'. "Death doesn't simply happen here."
"Oh, right."
They paused for a moment.
"So, will Jin drift around in space and remain alive or something?" Kazuya asked. Heihachi shrugged. Jinpachi leant forward and looked at Kazuya.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm your grandson." Kazuya replied with a sigh. Jinpachi blinked. Heihachi shook his head slowly.
"Never mind, just fire the damn rocket already."
Jinpachi looked down at the remote control and muttered to himself as he tried to remember which button to press. Heihachi sighed and rolled his eyes.
"The yellow one, dad."
Jinpachi gave him a puzzled look.
"Yellow…?"
Kazuya pulled his hair with a funny little angry snarl.
"It's a colour! A damn colour! Like your blanket!"
Jinpachi looked down.
"Well, what do you know, I pissed myself." He stated without any real interest. Heihachi and Kazuya took a step away from him. Jinpachi pushed the button. The rocket ignited and took off with an impressive show. The three Mishimas smiled at it as it disappeared into the sky.
"Well, that's that." Heihachi sighed happily.
No one said anything for a while.
"Now what?" Kazuya asked. Heihachi sighed again, not quite as happily.
"Yeah, I miss that wimp already. I mean… you could punch him when you felt like it."
"Should we bring him back and just beat him to death? It would feel more rewarding."
"Yeah, let's do that. Grandpa?"
Jinpachi jerked out of sleep again. He mumbled sleepily and looked around.
"Just bring the rocket back, grandpa." Kazuya mumbled. Jinpachi looked at the remote control.
"Which button was that for?"
"Aaah, just try something, I'm too rich to care."
Jinpachi pressed a random button. A light flashed high in the sky and the rocket suddenly appeared out of nowhere, crashing into the base. The three Mishimas stared at it in chock.
"Oops." Jinpachi finally said quietly. Heihachi shrugged.
"Don't think about it. I do that kind of stuff all of the time."
Kazuya looked down on the flaming inferno.
"Well… I suppose you don't have a Jin-clone lying around?"
"No need for it! There he is!" Heihachi exclaimed and pointed at the winged man walking towards them. Heihachi crossed his arms with a warm smile.
"Aw, he looks so angry!"
Kazuya stared at him.
"He should have been dead by now! How the hell did he survive that!"
Jinpachi and Heihachi glared at him. Kazuya realized what the answer was and laughed nervously.
"Oh, right… Mishima bloodline…" he said quietly. Heihachi bent down, picked up a rock, stood up slowly and simply threw the small rock right in Kazuya's head.
"Ow." He said without any real feeling and rubbed his head while he looked down on Jin, who was coming closer. Heihachi sighed happily again.
"Aw, he's a real man now, isn't he? Just like when you crawled out of the volcano."
There was a short silence.
"You bastard." Kazuya finally replied. Heihachi wiped a tear from his eye and put his arms around Kazuya's shoulders.
"And now your son is a barely human creature bent on world-domination too!"
They stood silently for a while.
"Wow." Kazuya finally said, as if it was a great truth that had just dawned on him. "We really never should've had kids."
"Yeah, I know."
They looked down at Jin again.
"He's coming closer, you know." Kazuya said.
"Yup."
Heihachi slowly stretched his arm out to the side and gave Jinpachi's wheelchair a light push. He didn't wake up as he rolled down towards painful, certain death.
"RUN!" Heihachi yelled. They ran their separate ways, ignoring the painful sounds that was heard when Jin met the wheelchair.
Shopping Spree!
Feng leant against the wall in the mall, giving the by passers bored looks. He sighed deeply and looked at the clock for what must have been the sixth time. He sighed deeply and tapped his arm with his fingers.
"Hi honey."
He looked up at Nina and immediately noticed something wrong.
"What is that?" he asked sharply. Nina removed the sunglasses from her head, grinning.
"Oh, I just got them from that store over there. Do you like them?"
Feng stared at her in surprise.
"That store…? Nina, you were just supposed to go to the bathroom!"
"And I did, but then I noticed that they had scented candles…"
"What, you bought scented candles, too?"
"Just a few!"
"But we're just here to get important stuff, not scented candles and sunglasses!"
Nina rolled her eyes at him.
"Feng, I'm practically a millionaire. If I feel like buying sunglasses, I buy some sunglasses."
Feng glared at her.
"We are just here to get a bag of sugar, conditioner and light-bulbs. That's it! So that should be the only things we buy!"
"But that doesn't matter! I think I've killed enough people over the years to buy the whole mall! Money is not a problem!"
Feng dug into his pocket and quickly brought out a small wrinkled paper. He unfolded it and showed it to her, pointing at it.
"See! Sugar, conditioner and light-bulbs! It's on the list!"
"But…"
"We should just follow the damn list!" he almost shouted at her.
"Screw the list!" she shouted back. They glared darkly at each other for a while before they realized they had attracted a lot of attention. They glared at the by passers for a while until they begun minding their own business again. Feng took a deep breath.
"Now can we follow the list… please!" he snarled at her. She crossed her arms.
"I just don't see the point."
Feng raised his hands in a devastated way and tore the little piece of paper to shreds. He then sighed deeply.
"I never should have married you." He muttered. She glared at him some more.
"I want a baby." She said quickly.
"What?"
"Never mind." She said and smiled innocently, putting the sunglasses on his head.
School's Back in Session
Baek closed the door behind him and put some books down on the desk. He then sighed deeply and looked up at the class in front on him. Almost thirty teens, equipped with cameras, happily talking about their interests. It made him sick. He sat down and waited for them to quiet down. After about half a minute he gave up.
"SHUT UP!" he roared, surprised to find that they all obeyed him. He looked around.
"Okay, you all know the drill. Turn off your cells, pagers, laptops, iPods and pacemakers. I hope you all left your guns in your lockers today. Don't make me give you detention again."
There were some mutters among the pupils as they turned all their stuff off. Baek nodded to himself.
"I suppose you're all done with today's exercise. Have you all sent your pictures to the file? Let me just turn the projector on here…"
He fiddled a bit with the controls on the projectors and turned the light off. The first picture appeared on the screen.
"Okay, here we have, um… an old lady smelling a flower. Very nice. And…"
He clicked a button on his control.
"…something that looks like a dog. Is it a dog?"
A pupil in the back of the class nodded quickly.
"Hm… it's too fuzzy, I think you have to work on that. And here we have…"
He clicked again. The class gasped.
"What the hell is this?" he shouted. A pupil raised his hand.
"Oh! It appears to be a naked woman, sir. And a naked man."
Baek rolled his eyes.
"Well, obviously… Anyway, this is a rather nice shot." He said, pretty much to himself. He looked closer.
"Well, let's see… It looks very professional actually, the lighting is very nice here, excellent composition in this picture. The woman is pretty hot. But she looks familiar, have I seen her somewhere? Hmmm… maybe from one of those movies I used to watch in my young days… And the man has a very, very nice body, obviously very muscular, short grey hair and – ohmygodit'sME!" he spun around and glared at the class. "Who took this picture?"
A young man in the front raised his hand.
"Class dismissed! Everyone except you!" Baek called out and pointed at the man. "You stay…"
Everyone except those two quickly left the room. Baek leant against the young man's desk, glaring at him.
"Have you been sleeping with my wife?" he growled.
"With that cow? No way!"
Baek glanced at the picture.
"She made you do this, didn't she?"
"Yeah. But I guess you can match her."
Baek sighed deeply.
"Alright. How much do I have to pay you to forget this picture ever existed?"
The pupil smiled evilly and leant back against the chair.
"We're speaking the alphabet here." He purred.
"A."
"A plus."
Baek muttered a curse, took a piece of paper from his desk and wrote an "A+" on it. He then put it on the pupil's desk. The pupil suddenly shrugged with a completely oblivious look on his face.
"Picture?" he asked innocently. "What picture?"
After saying that, he immediately pulled a gun out from an unknown place and fired three rounds into the screen. Baek gave it a very unimpressed look.
"How very unnecessary. When you're going to remove evidence, you have to strike at the heart. Like so!"
He took the pupil's gun and walked over to the projector. He cocked the gun and pointed it towards it, smirking evilly.
"See you in hell, projector!" he snarled and fired several rounds into it, cackling maniacally as he did so. Meanwhile, the student looked around and quickly snuck out of the room.
The Road Trip
Paul looked around at the beautiful landscape, enjoying the fresh country air as he and Forest quickly rushed through it on his motorcycle. He noticed something in the corner of his eyes and let the speed drop a bit. He then stopped completely. Forest looked around, trying to see what had caught Paul's interest, as Paul got off the motorcycle.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing. Grab a sandwich or something, there's just something here that I've wanted to do for years."
Forest shrugged and got off, stretching. Paul walked up to a fence and gracefully leapt over it. He brushed some dust off his clothes and began advancing upon a cow. Forest rolled his eyes.
"Paul, leave that cow alone!"
"Never!" Paul called back, ran the last few steps and rammed the cow sideways. It didn't even move. Paul gave it a surprised look and frowned. He pushed it again, trying to tip it over. The cow just took a step to the side. Paul gave a frustrated snarl and pushed it one last time.
"Tip over, damn you!" he cried and finally managed to push it out of its balance. The cow collapsed onto its side, still chewing. It looked up on him and sighed. Paul grinned and made a little victory dance. Forest laughed and applauded him.
"Well, congratulations, stranger." A voice with a clear Southern States accent said. Paul turned towards the man walking towards him. He had a straw hat, a pair of jeans with shoulder-straps and a straw in his mouth. He was a typical, southern state stereotype. He touched the brim of his hat, as if greeting Paul.
"Only one Yankee's ever managed to tip ol' Bess over before. You've got ta be real tough. Say, you wanna take a shot at tippin' over good ol' Pussy?"
Paul gave him a surprised look.
"You want me to tip over your what?"
"Pussy. He's ma bull, see?"
"Oh. Sure, why not?"
The farmer grinned at him.
"Name's Graham! Why dontcha bring your slant-eyed friend over there to ma farm and you can try to tip over Pussy."
Paul returned to Forest, looking slightly confused.
"What was that all about?" Forest asked.
"Oh, I just agreed to tip over his Pussy."
"Tip over his what?"
"Yeah, that's what I said." Paul said as he got back up on the motorcycle again. He grinned at Forest. "Wanna look?"
Forest shrugged and got up on the motorcycle behind Paul. They drove off to Graham's farm, just a little bit away. As they parked on the yard, a young man came up to them.
"Dad's in the barn. You sure you wanna do this, stranger?"
Paul shrugged and grinned at him before walking towards the farm. Forest followed not too far behind him. Graham waited inside.
"Now I just gotta warn ya, stranger…" Graham began and spat at the floor before looking up at Paul again. "…that Pussy is the meanest, most vicious and sadistic bull the Southern States has ever seen."
He paused.
"Ever!" he added. Paul and Forest glanced at each other.
"So I'm giving you a choice here. You can either tip ol' Pussy over, or Ferdinand here."
He pointed at an extremely fat pig in a small enclosure. Paul looked at it.
"Naah, I think I can take that Pussy."
"Alright, stranger. Right this way…"
He led them out on the back yard, pointing towards what looked like a bunker.
"We keep Pussy in there, see. Normal fences ain't doin' nothing to keep him in, see. Now that fence is three feet of reinforced steel, cost me a fortune."
Forest pointed at the gate.
"How come the gate is wooden, then?"
Graham smiled somewhat sadistically and told the story as he led them around the back of Pussy's enclosure.
"Oh, we had a visit from this 'Fury' fellow a few weeks back, see. Said somethin' about 'restoring his manhood' or some such. So I said to him, I said: who dontcha knock ma Pussy over? He said he would. I ain't never seen someone run like that, I tells ya. He tore the gate down and ran out to the woods the second time he tried to escape. And here's where he tried to run the first time."
He pointed at a bulge in the reinforced steel. Paul and Forest stared at the shape of a very frightened man. They could even see the facial expression. Forest chuckled and pointed at it.
"Hey, I know this guy! He's…!"
He got a chocked look on his face and fell silent as he realized who the Fury guy was. He glanced at Paul.
"Paul, I really don't think you should mess with this bull."
Paul waved the warning away and walked back with Graham to the wooden gate. Graham unlocked it quietly and looked at Paul.
"You ready, stranger?"
Paul nodded and darted through the door as Graham opened it. He quickly closed the gate again and locked it tightly before turning towards Forest with a grin.
"We can check how he fares from up here." He said and climbed up on the wall. Forest followed and found himself looking down on what seemed to be a Gladiator's arena. Paul stood at one end and a big, shadowy figure at the other. Paul grinned and began walking towards in with very self-confident steps. The shadowy figure turned towards him, revealing a pair of red, glowing eyes. Paul's smile died away almost immediately. The figure snorted and suddenly charged him. Paul's pained howl could be heard for miles. Graham laughed loudly.
"Go Pussy!" he cheered and cackled again, wiping tears from his eyes. Forest stared with his mouth hanging open. He reached down towards Paul.
"TAKE MY HAND!" he shouted. Paul crawled towards him, stretching his hand out. He had almost reached Forest as he felt something carefully bite his pants, dragging him back, screaming. This time Forest turned his face away with a whimper. Graham's hysterical laughing died out and he offered Paul a stick, helping him out of the arena. Pussy continued to thrash around in there, now excited. Graham still chuckled at Paul while Forest helped him to his feet.
"On second thought…" Paul gasped. "…I think I'll take that Ferdinand."
Paul stumbled towards the barn, still leaning on Forest, Graham walking in front of them. Paul suddenly whined.
"He laughed when he broke my toes, one by one…! And I think he burned me with cigarettes when you weren't watching!" he moaned. Forest patted his head.
"There, there. We'll just let you tip a pig over and then we can go home, okay?"
"Okay…" Paul sobbed. "…I think he drunk some sheep's blood…"
Graham waited by Ferdinand's enclosure. Paul left Forest and jumped down into his little pit, looking at the mud-covered creature. He carefully took a step forward and poked it. When nothing happened, he pushed it. It fell to the side without any resistance. Paul smiled happily and looked up at Forest.
"Did you see that? I tipped a pig over!"
"Good for you, Paul!"
Graham rolled the straw in his mouth to the side and smirked.
"That was easy, wasn't it?"
Paul gave him a suspicious look.
"Yes…?" he said hesitantly. Graham took the straw out and grinned evilly.
"Ferdinand! Kill!" he ordered loudly. The pig immediately flew up to his feet, howling angrily at Paul, who decided not to take any chances and quickly leapt out of the enclosure. Ferdinand slammed into the wall and continued trying to get out to attack Paul. Forest helped him back up on his feet. Paul gave Graham a devastated look.
"Isn't there any creature here that isn't a monster?"
Forest patted Paul's shoulder and pointed at a corner.
"That should cheer you up." He said, pointing at an almost disturbingly cute, white kitten there. Paul smiled weakly and walked up to it.
"Hey little fella…" he purred and stretched his hand out towards it. He heard a hiss and felt a sharp pain in his finger.
"Those cats are a little suspicious, stranger. It's practically a wild cat, not a house cat." Graham told him from the side of the enclosure. Paul looked at a little wound on his index finger.
"What a quick little bastard…" he muttered and raised his other hand to wipe a small drop off blood off. He found himself staring at his other arm, which was covered in miniature cuts. It also ran up on his shoulders and down on his other arm. He looked down on his chest and noticed thousands of small holes in it. He stared at it.
"He tore my…! But it was leather, for crying out loud!" he whined. The cat still sat on its place, licking a little blood off its white paw with what seemed to be a diabolic smirk. Paul stumbled back from it and fell into Forest's arms with a frightened sob. Graham nodded slowly and scratched his chin.
"Yep. Natural born killers." He stated. Paul glared at him and pointed at him.
"You're sick! You're a sick, twisted man! And all your animals too!" he cried out and pointed towards the kitten. "Especially you!"
He then burst into tears, leaning against Forest.
"Oh, Forest, get me out of this hell-hole…" he sobbed quietly. Forest smiled nervously to Graham.
"He'll be fine, we'll just go home." He excused them and quickly half led, half dragged Paul out of the barn towards the motor cycle. Graham waved after them.
"Come back any time you want to, you hear?"
He waited for a while before he sighed.
"I better feed Pussy then." he said to himself, took a bucket from a shelf and walked out. He noticed that the motor cycle still stood there, Paul sitting on it. Forest came running, leapt up on it and sped away, leaving a long track on the yard. Graham looked after them, shrugged and turned around towards Pussy's pen. He stopped and stared, his mouth hanging open.
"The bastards unleashed Pussy upon the cows! Damn!" he cursed loudly and slammed the bucket onto the ground.
"Goddammit!" he added and threw his straw hat down along with it. His son came running from the house.
"What's wrong, pa?" he asked. Graham put his arm around his shoulder and pointed towards the cows.
"My son, that's how baby cows are made."
The boy made a disgusted sound, turned around and threw up behind a bush. Graham shook his head.
"Damn Yankees." He muttered.
The End