Disclaimer: I don't own it. I just obsess about it.
He had done the right thing.
Years rolled by, the sun rose and set in its normal way, the cherry blossoms fell to the ground as they always did. The world had not changed because Shiba Kaien was dead.
Shiba Kaien, vice captain, husband to a lovely girl, pride of the Shiba clan, dead for the sake of his pride. Juushiro had made that happen.
No, he had not ordered Kaien into battle, much less into battle alone. No, he had not goaded him on with words about honor, pride, or even a hint of vengeance. But Kaien had gone, and now Kaien was dead, and the thirteenth squad had no vice captain. And the Kuchiki girl was shattered. And Ukitake was wasting away.
Not that he wasn't wasting away before then. He was used to the coughing and the red evidence of death's mark on him. And indeed, dead was dead, even in Soul Society. The Shiba shrine was proof enough of that. However, no one ever said he was actually dying. Even Kenpachi didn't cross that line, full aware that sweet and calm Retsu did not stand for such talk and truth be known, she was scary in her obstinacy. "You've lived this long," she would say with that soothing voice and those captivating eyes. "What would make you think you won't carry on for another thousand years?"
And he would nod his assent because he knew neither of them could stand talking about it for very long.
So it just festered in him. At first Shunsui would needle him, trying to get him to unload himself of the burden he was so clearly carrying. But Juushiro could be just as stubborn, and after a few seasons his friend has pretty much given up. "Always the worrywart," he snorted between cups of sake and long silences. He understood completely, of course, the loss and the guilt. Not because of anything he had experienced himself, but because Juushiro had that way about him. People could feel his pain. It was one of the things that attracted people to him. Either they lived out their angst vicariously through him or they felt the urge to protect him. Just look at Kiyone and Sentaro. Pests they could be, but comforting in their undying faith in him. And as for Shunsui, his sensitivity did all his work for him. Nanao would faint if she knew even a fragment of what Juushiro knew of him. Ever steadfast while giving every appearance of being a complete slacker. Perhaps that was why they complimented each other so well. Felix and Oscar style.
But even that bond did not allow Juushiro to speak of his thoughts. The only person he was certain knew his mistake was Kuchiki, and he had tried to drum it out of her. Two kinds of battles. One to protect, the other for pride. And the battle for pride was always a loner's walk. So he had told her. She, who had grown up in Rukongai and had more reverence for survival. It was almost as if she could have accused him of having Kaien act out his death wish, and used her to seal the deal. But of course she did not feel this way. Like Juushiro, she blamed herself. As if there was anything she could have done to change the outcome of events. And he had been silent because he knew that like himself, she was unwilling to let go of her guilt.
Now having an individual you see every day be a reflection of your own guilty thoughts was more than he could take. So he sent her away, hoping she would come back feeling a rejuvenation he could not manage. And for a while it seemed it would happen. Her reports were perfect and professional but still revealed a satisfaction with her position and betrayed the strength she was gaining. He would look over her missives with the pride of a teacher whose student had finally mastered a difficult lesson.
And then she went missing.
And was brought back a criminal. While he did not understand her actions, he could not bear to see another of his own dead. And then when he saw that boy, he knew in a heartbeat what had been in her mind when she broke the law. If not Kaien, then this one who is so like him. He would not have done a single thing differently.
So now here he is on the hill, breaking the law himself, with Shunsui at his side and the seal of Shihouin between them. This time he is absolutely sure he is doing the right thing.