Chapter five

„Unless, you were about to go home?" He looked at her with a hint of a smile.

"What if I say yes? Hey Gabby, can we have the shots for takeaway?"

Gabby laughed. "Yeah, if you buy the whole bottle." She poured Whiskey in three shot glasses.

"Those are on me. Cheers!"

"Thanks. To the noble donor." They raised their glasses, and when Gabby turned around to go to Herman, Alicia saw her winking at her. She felt the warmness of the alcohol in her stomach and the tiredness in her bones, and felt torn between wanting to home, actually, and being glad to have a one-on-one conversation, especially with someone who's not from the fire department.

"So." She said, not really knowing how to start the conversation. She wasn't the best at small talk. Her work didn't require it, and her colleges and friends already knew she needed a bit of time to become chattier. It was just, that the more she felt like she had to talk, the less she could think about something to talk about.

"So", he repeated, "I just wanted to get to know you a little more, since when we first met, there wasn't really much time to talk."

"Alright, what do you wanna know? Everyone already asked me so much stuff. Well, the same few questions over and over again, to be specific."

He smirked. "The new ones are always popular. It's just like in school."

She pulled a face. "Well, nobody asked me about my favourite colour, or my middle names since, like, first grade. They instead ask me the boring stuff. Like if I'm still single. Or how much my tattoos have cost and if I'm not worried they look ugly once I'm old."

Jay laughed. "People have seriously asked you that here?"

"No. Not here. Luckily!" There was a pause in their conversation in which they both just looked at each other. She noticed a few faint freckles on his skin and looked at his eyes. It was kinda cheesy, but she thought the eyes were the most beautiful feature in anyone's face and loved discovering the different colours. His were light green.

"So, what's your favourite colour then? And your middle name?" He returned the look, his hands playing with the empty glass. The gaze they were just exchanging made her feel tingly, and she suddenly realized, this could become more really quick. Shit, shit. That was not the plan, at all. Her heart wasn't broken anymore, but it wasn't fixed yet. Not open again. She cleared her throat and looked away.

"Funny that you ask. I'm wearing it right now. It's green. Not a grass green or such, more like an emerald green, with a tint of blue, a little darker. Oh, and my middle name is Grace." She brushed back her hair.

"That's a specific favourite colour."

"Sure it is. What's yours?"

Jay shrugged. "I don't have one."

Shaking her head in disbelief, Alicia said, "No way, everybody has a favourite colour. Next time we meet, I want a description, just as detailed."

Their conversation went on, she lost track of time, but it felt like they've been talking for a while. Talking became easier, chatting und subtly flirting with Jay was quite easy. But she could feel something creeping up inside of her. Sounds seemed to become louder and made it harder to focus on, her head seemed to become lighter and vision narrower. She knew that feeling, but she wasn't able stop it, still. The more she tried to push it back, the more it seemed to overpower her. She rubbed her neck, unable to respond to whatever Jay just said.

"Hey, you good? Everything alright, Alicia?" He laid his hand on her shoulder.

"Hm, I need to get some air, sorry", she muttered and rushed outside, before he could answer. The cold air was like a hit in the face, and she forced herself to take a few long and deep breaths, trying to feel the cold to help her ground. Her racing heart slowed down, but her head still felt heavy on her shoulders. Damn it, damn it. This just turned from a pleasant and unexpected situation to an unpleasant and unexpected situation.

"Hey." Jay stepped outside, a worried look on his face. Damn, she liked the flirting look better on him. Especially since she hated people worrying about her. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

She took another deep breath. "I'm better, thanks. I just got overwhelmed. Sometimes, I get anxiety attacks. They're not as intense as panic attacks, but I have to get out, you know. Sorry about that."

She shook his head. "Don't apologize. I get it, I do. Do you need anything?"

Alicia didn't question in that moment, how he could have meant it that he understood it, it was only later that she thought about it. She shook her head. "No, but I think I better go home. It was a nice evening, sorry to put an end to it like that."

"No apologies, again. Where do you live?"

Alicia noticed her nervous hands picking on her skin of the nails, fidgeting, and tried to stop it. "Not far, I think I get my stuff and call an uber."

"I can get it for you, if you tell me where it is."

She nodded. "Gabby got it behind the bar. Thanks, Jay."

A minute later, he was back, helped her get in her leather jacket and handed her her purse. "I just told Gabby you're not feeling well and that I get you home. You know, so that she wouldn't think other stuff if we both leave at the same time."

Alicia giggled, glad for the distraction. "Oh, what a gentleman, so worried for my reputation."

"Yeah, and I'll even walk you home if it isn't far. I'm the whole thing. Good looking and nice."

Now Alicia was really laughing. "Oh, stop it, you. That's like, real basic. If you wanna impress me, try a little harder. Maybe just not today."

She wouldn't admit it, but she was actually really glad that Jay was talking to her in a funny manner again. Mostly when she had an anxiety attack or something like this, people would become too respectful, too careful, too worried, too silent, and made her even more uncomfortable. But joking again after a few minutes, made it as easier as never to snap back into relaxation, even though she could still feel the tenseness.

A few minutes later they arrived at her house. She got out her keys from her pocket and turned to Jay. "So here we are. Thank you so much for walking me home." She went in for a hug, swiftly wrapping her arms around him.

"You're welcome, I'm glad you're better."

"Do you have it far from here?"

"No, just a few blocks. I'm a big boy, you know."

She gave him a smirk. "Then get home safe, big boy. See you around."

"Bye, Alicia."