Chapter Eight

Alicia could see the surprise on Jay's face when he opened the door. The bruise on his face was fainted and less visible. He was wearing black sweatpants and a dark grey shirt, and his hair was still damp from showering.

"Hi", he said, one eyebrow raised.

"Hi", she echoed. "I just… overheard at Med that you've been released, and I wanted to see how you are."

"Thanks, I… Come on in." He stepped a side to let her in and closed the door behind them. "I just made coffee, you want some?"

"Thank you, yes", she said and got out of her jacket. For a second she regretted coming here, as he was hesitating before letting her in, and she didn't want to be intrusive. But when he came back from the kitchen with two cups of coffee, the cautious look on his face was gone.

"So, do you look after all patients of yours that well?", he asked, the corner of his mouth lifted to a smile.

"Only the cute ones who walk me home." She immediately bit her lip. Oops. She was used to herself saying things before she could stop herself and think about it first, but usually she was able to play it down. She grabbed the cup and carefully took a sip of the hot coffee. When she looked up again, he was still looking at her with that smile. Damnit. Alicia, you're a grown ass woman, get your act together, she bawled herself internally. So she sat up straight and returned that look.

"So, tell me, how are you? What did the doctors say?"

Jay shrugged his shoulders, getting serious. "No internal injuries, I should be fine in a few days."

Alicia nodded. "Good. Hey, I'm not entitled to ask, we don't know each other that well, but… What happened there, what did they do to you?" Now he was the one looking away, starring into his cup. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I was on an undercover mission. And it went south, and they tried to torture some information out of me."

"Oh", was all she could say. On one hand, she wanted to change the topic, on the other hand she wanted him to tell her more. Not out of a morbid curiosity though. She just had to think about what he must've been through the whole way here. "That must've been…"

"…what I was trained for in the Army", Jay mumbled and for a split second his face frowned like he couldn't believe he just said that out loud. Alicia decided not to comment this.

"Have you talked to someone besides the doctors, like-"

"I'm fine, really."

Ah. She knew that. That certain tone of voice when someone said fine without meaning it. It's the 'please shut up and fucking take that answer' kinda tone she used herself a lot. For now, she did him that favour. Not because she didn't care, but because she had a feeling, she couldn't change his mind on that, just like that. "Okay, then."

He was still looking at his hands, holding the cup of coffee. She looked at his arms, the muscles of his forearms, the freckles on his skin, the facial hair that's been a bit longer since she saw him last time. "I'm just glad you're fine, Jay." Alicia cleared her throat and looked around his apartment while trying to find another topic to talk about. Jay put his mug down and turned towards her. "I was thinking about what you said that day. That you were calling me?"

When Alicia looked back at him, she didn't know what to make of his expression. "Well", she started, putting her cup down as well, "considering why you didn't pick up it's kinda ridiculous to tell you."

He raised his eyebrows. "Well, now I'm even more curious."

She sighed. She could feel her heart beat faster, but she had already been at the point of asking him out, so why not now. "Okay, so, I was gonna tell you that I liked the evening we had at Molly's, and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to do that again one time, too. But I guess that has to wait, alcohol doesn't go that well with painkillers I'm sure they prescribed you."

"No, why, you're a paramedic in case that goes wrong, so, let's go." He pretended to get up. Playfully, Alicia grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him back on the couch.

"No, no, my friend, I'm not patching you up to watch you poison yourself, so sit down!"

"So, more coffee it is?"

"For now! No, stay, let me." She grabbed both cups and got up to go to his kitchen to refill them. When she sat back down, she got a little closer to him than before, and when her knee accidentally touched his leg, she didn't back away.

"Thanks." When Jay took the mug out of her hands, his fingers brushed her hand, and Alicia had a feeling it wasn't accidentally. She could feel a spark of tension lingering in the air.

"If it takes getting beat up to have someone getting me coffee…"

"Oh my, don't say it", Alicia ground out. "That's a one time service out of pity, don't get used to it."

"Hm, bummer, because I really could", he murmured. "But hey, seriously. I'd really love to repeat that evening at Molly's. You're right, it was nice."

Alicia smiled, trying not to give away how this made her heart race again. Damn she didn't even wanna believe it herself. "But I hope this time it ends differently than that night", she said, once again, realizing too late how that sounded.

"Me too. I really hope we're talking about the same thing here", Jay mumbled, taking a big sip from his coffee.

She cleared her throat. "I meant I was hoping not to have an anxiety attack again."

"Sure. Of course. What I was thinking. Uhm. So, let's pretend we're already at Molly's. This is champagne, not coffee."

She laughed. "Champagne? You telling me you're a Champagne guy?"

Jay rolled his eyes. "Okay, not really. Let's pretend it's beer. So what now?"

Alicia crossed her arms. "Hey, I remember that I told you, next time I'd see you I want your answer on what your favorite color is."

Jay squinted his eyes, pretending to think hard. "Shit, I didn't prepare for this."

Playfully she slapped his arm. "I told you..!"

"Okay! Alright." They both looked each other in the eyes for what felt like minutes. "I like blue. Like a cool toned blue, a darker, deeper blue, not a light sky color you know."

Alicia nodded. "Great answer. Accepted."

"I'm glad."

Then, she leaned in and kissed his mouth, briefly, only for a moment their lips touched. Her heart was beating fast in her chest and she could feel a tingly sensation in her stomach.

"What was that for?" Jay asked, his voice sounded raspy.

"I dunno, I felt like it", Alicia said.

"Is that something you do with all your patients?", he repeated his question from earlier on. She could feel his breath against her skin as their faces were just inches apart.

"Hell no."

Jay's gaze wandered from her eyes down to her lips and back up. His hand cupped her face as he gently pulled her in again for another kiss. Alicia let out a sigh when his tongue slipped into her mouth. She skidded closer to him while kissing him back, putting her hands on his broad shoulders. When she could feel his hand wander down her lower back, she couldn't help but gasp. A rush of both fear and passion flooded her so suddenly, it felt like an electrical shock. Instinctively she put her hands in front of her chest and pushed him away a bit harder than she wanted to. "I'm sorry", she stuttered, "I – I can't, s-sorry." She shook her head. "I can't d-do this." She jumped up.

"Hey", Jay said calmly, putting his hands up in a defensive manner. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I'm sorry if that was too much."

"No, no, it's not you, I just can't. Sorry. I gotta go."

"Don't, I have to apologize. You don't have to-"

however she grabbed her bag before he could say more. She felt too overwhelmed to even look him in the eyes and see that he actually meant he was sorry. She left his apartment, and he didn't stop her.

She felt torn. What she felt for this man she barely new, was both exciting and dangerous. It scared her as much as it attracted her. He could be her shoulder to cry on, but also a painkiller to die on. She's met so many people who made her feel alive but also told her the valuable lesson to never trust anybody too much.

She was already in her car when she realized she had forgotten her jacket. Alicia buried her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes so hard she saw stars. What have you done, she asked herself.