Alicia couldn't resist a certain urge that night when she drove home from Jay's place and made a stop at the gas station, bought a pack of Gauloises cigarettes, and drove home, where she sat down on the stairs that led up to her front door. In the light of the streetlamps, she got out her gold lighter, that served her as a lucky charm for years, and felt both regret and relief when she inhaled the smoke. She had an on again off again relationship with smoking ever since being a teen. It was in fact a good metaphor for her way of thinking – there was a constant battle between her rational thoughts she tried her best to follow to do good for herself and others and become better, and her strong emotions that constantly told her to run away, smoke, drink, run away, fuck, fight, curse, and run away from people some more. Sometimes, one side was stronger than the other.
Right now, she could feel that inner discrepancy very strongly. Her nerves have calmed down, but she still felt electrified. Her hands weren't shaking anymore, but one leg was bouncing up and down restlessly. On one hand, she wanted to smoke that whole pack, screw what everybody says, and never kiss anybody ever again. On the other hand, she wanted to call Jay and explain everything to him and then find a good way to heal her wounds and learn to trust again. Ah shit. She inhaled the last bit and ground the cigarette. Back inside her house, she took a long and warm shower. When she came back into her living room, a towel around her body, she had a missed call from Jay. She sat down on the couch, typed a message, just to delete it and type something else. And again, and again, and again. "I'm trying, I am", she whispered. She gave up finding the right thing to say and called her brother. He wasn't the best at giving advice when it came to dating and all that, but he was definitely a good listener. And one of the few people to know why she did what she sometimes did.
Voight had offered Jay another day off to recover, but when Lindsay told him that the guys from Truck 81 had found a burnt corpse in a car that was set on fire, he decided to go back to work. He was aware that he was behaving like a teen, but he was hoping to see Alicia and talk to her. Hopefully, it was easier like that if he didn't go to her directly. But since she hadn't answered or returned his two calls that night and the following day, he knew he had to do something. He didn't wanna end things like that. He couldn't drop it. He couldn't stop thinking about her and what made her flee like that.
He was glad when Lindsay told Voight that she and Jay would go to the CFD to ask Severide some question about the fire itself.
An hour later they thanked Kelly, and got up to leave, when Alicia and Sylvie entered the Fire Department, arguing. When they both saw Erin and him walking towards the main door, they stopped. He could see a variety of emotions on her face for a second before she looked down.
"Oh, hey, a question", Sylvie asked joyfully, unaware of how the situation just got a bit uncomfortable. "Can you guys arrest someone for forcing their bad taste of music on their partner?"
Finally, Alicia looked up. "Oh, you wanna turn yourself in?", she asked dryly.
Erin laughed. "I'm afraid we're the wrong people for that. It can't be that horrible, Sylvie."
Alicia raised her eyebrows, looking at her. "You're right, some are just too weak."
The blonde frowned. "That was not helpful."
Jay couldn't help but laugh.
"Hey, another thing. Erin, it's actually good that you're here, Allie just told me that she's searching for a roommate, and I told her that Nadia is looking for a place."
Allie. He liked the sound of that even more.
"Oh, yeah", Alicia said and brushed the hair out of her face. "So, the house I live in is spacious and all that, but the rent is a bit much on the long run, you know, so I was thinking about it. Maybe she can stop by one time and have a look at it? You can come too, of course."
Erin smiled. "Sure, we will. That's great, actually! I have your number, I'll tell her about it and get back to you, okay? Sorry, but Jay, we gotta go."
"Yeah, I'll be right there", Jay said, giving his partner a look, she hopefully understood. She did, Erin nodded and went outside.
"I, uhm, make us some coffee." Apparently, Sylvie got it too and went into the living room of the Fire Department. Now it was the two of them, standing in the entrance hall. Alicia put both hands in the pockets of her jacket, clearing her throat.
"Okay, this time, you've been the one to not answer the call", Jay stated, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
"Yeah. I was… sorry. I didn't know what to say. But I've been wanting to talk to you, Jay, I really am. It wasn't right, the way I ran away."
Jay sighed. "I just wanna know what happened. What I did wrong. I don't want anything bad between us, no matter what this is, okay?"
Alicia nodded, a strand of hair falling into her face again. "I appreciate that. Very much. But uhm." She paused when Kelly passed them by. "Not here. This is not a conversation for in between two emergency calls. It's not easy for me, all this. And you gotta work too, so…"
"Okay. Just tell me when and where."
Was that surprise on her face? "How about my place? Tonight, at eight?"
"I'll be there", he said before leaving the building and getting to the car Erin was already waiting in.
"So?", she just asked, looking at him with a crooked smile and one eyebrow raised.
"So, what", he countered a bit harsher than he wanted, trying to play it off. It was awkward enough as it was, dating someone after they both separated but still worked together. But what happened that night, he definitely didn't wanna share with anyone else.
"So – what did you talk with her? You got a date? You have a thing with her? Oh, you definitely have."
He rolled his eyes. "Just drive, Erin."
She started the car and looked at him with a bright, knowing smile, before starting to drive. "Buuut, you like her, don't you? I mean, she is really pretty. And quick-witted, I know you like that."
He couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes. Even though he wasn't seriously mad at her. "Sounds like you already know everything."
"Well, partner, I indeed know you well enough", Erin said, before changing the topic and talking about how she would imagine Nadia living with Allie. He was just partially listening. With half his thoughts, he was preparing for tonight.