Content warning: Mention of abuse, talking about sex

It wasn't really a date in that sense, they would meet to talk something serious, still Alicia had been spending way more time choosing her outfit than she'd admit. After her shift, she went home and took a shower. She dressed in a comfy band shirt and some sweatpants for the moment, and put her damp hair in a lose braid to let it air dry while cleaning her place. She wasn't a sloppy person at all, but being sentimental over many things made her keep and collect a lot of stuff and shelves full of books, CDs, knick-knack, tiny statues and crystals made her living room look messy really fast, if she couldn't make it look intentional. Also, tidying up helped her relax, as corny as it sounded. So she made her living room look nice, set the table and prepared dinner, while she prepared for telling him about her past. Those thoughts were only interrupted a few times by her asking herself, 'why am I doing this?'. Her house felt too quiet to her, so she turned on her stereo and started playing Teatro d'ira Vol. 1 by Maneskin; she'd pick a background playlist alter. She quietly hummed along the Italian songs, as her Italian was, well, a little rusty.

While the tomato sauce with carrots, eggplant and onions simmered on the stove, she went upstairs to change. After spending ten minutes standing in front of her closet, she decided for a knee length black dress, that had lace sleeves, and long silver earrings. She left her wavy hair open and just put subtle make up on. At a quarter to eight, she got a message: Hey, it's Erin. Nadia can't wait to visit you. Is it okay if we stop by tomorrow? Tell me when it's best for you. See ya!

Quickly Alicia responded that she couldn't wait to meet her and what time she wanted them to come over. Just as she put the phone down, she heard a knock at the door and went immediately to open it, with her heart racing in her chest.

"Hey", Jay greeted her, "I'm sorry I'm a bit early." He held up a bottle of white wine. "And I brought us something to make up for that."

She grinned. "Hm, if that is so, I may forgive you. Come on in!" She stepped aside to let him in and took the bottle to put it in the fridge.

"Man, this smells amazing", Jay said. "And you look gorgeous, by the way."

"Thanks", Alicia mumbled, "you look good, too." She cleared her throat. "And I made pasta, following my brother's recipe. Sometimes, I shamelessly claim that it's mine to gain all the complements, to be honest."

Jay raised one eyebrow. "Ma'am, that is theft though."

Alicia shrugged. "Shamelessly, I told ya."

There was a weird feeling lingering in the air, as they both sat down and started eating. Since she invited him to explain why she basically ran for her life a few days earlier, there wasn't much small talk to do while eating. She asked him how his day was, but he couldn't really tell her much about the case. Asking further would seem like distracting, so she didn't. He asked her how her day was, but the shift was the most silent she had so far at Firehouse 51, with two routine calls and one false alarm.

When her plate was halfway empty, she laid down her fork. "Okay, I really appreciate you not pushing me, Jay, I do. But I asked you to come here tonight to talk about what happened recently and why I kissed you and then fled, but the thing is, there isn't just one tiny thing to explain, so… Just listen, okay." She cleared her throat and took a big sip of wine before starting. "I usually don't like to talk about stuff like this, I mean who does, but just know, that I don't think it's anybody's business, so it's a bit hard for me, because most of the time, I just keep it to myself. But um, relationships and having sex, has always been a difficult topic for me. When I was fifteen, I figured out I was bisexual, and I was in foster care again at that time, and I couldn't deal with not being accepted, so I was a very moody teen, like I snapped so quickly. And I don't think I've ever had a lucky relationship or a friendship that lasted very long. I just… okay, so. I wasn't really too happy with anyone, really, but it was never bad, I was just falling in love and falling out of love again, over and over. I had a girl turn me down because she was straight and very much homophobic, and I got left because I was too annoying and too aggressive and behaving like a boy, whatever. And after I left Chicago, I met this guy. He was charming and very much into me, and I was so happy that someone finally… cared enough. That somebody was into me. But after a few months, I found out there was something he cared about much more, and that was being high. He was a good guy when he was sober, but every weekend he came back from parties, either drunk out of his mind or high on pills or whatever, and his mood would just turn, like he was another person. He would call me names, and tell me to fuck off, stuff I don't wanna repeat. But he never hit me or anything, so I never left. At the same time, he started… ignoring my boundaries." Alicia couldn't bear the eye contact with Jay anymore, despite seeing understanding in his eyes, so she looked down at her hands. Her fingers had started ripping apart the napkin. Suddenly, she couldn't even imagine eating more, so she pushed her plate a little farther away from her. "He asked me a lot about who I'd hang out with and kept asking why I refused to party with him and refused to take drugs, as if that needs an explanation. In his mind I was weak and boring and he tried to make me feel that way."

"But you never took anything?", Jay asked, and he sounded like knew the answer already. He wasn't here to judge her.

"No. Never. I was never even black out drunk, I just like to keep some control. And he just wouldn't get why. But the worst thing was, when he'd … ask me if I wanted to try certain things in bed. To most of it, I said no, because I didn't feel like trying, I wasn't into it. And he would say, fine – and later do it anyway. After I said no. He'd just do it." She got a lump in her throat and had to swallow a few times before she could go on. "Or he'd ask until I was the one to say, fine. And I let that happen a few times, before I started getting panic attacks again, almost everyday at work. Which makes saving people's life a bit hard, so my chief there sent me to a doctor, and that's when it hit me. That I had to go before he could put me back in a place I had just gotten out of. So, I broke up with him, but he kept calling me, showing up at my place, once every few weeks. One time, he'd swear at me, other times he told me he loved me. He was an ass, but it was still difficult, you know. And the thing is, I've tried getting close to people again after that, but my body didn't forget. My body just reminds me that letting someone in is gonna turn bad, and that's why I had to go that day. I realized I liked you more than I can currently handle." Her hands started to shake so she scrunched up what was left of her napkin. "I couldn't handle it, I was overwhelmed, and all I can think sometimes is… get out, it's only safe if you leave." Her eyes watered up, but she fought back the tears as hard as she could. "I just… I… no."

"What is it", Jay asked softly.

"I just feel like nobody good can come my way. I sometimes can't believe that it can ever be good. For me. So, when I kissed you, I thought, this feels good so it can't be real, it has to turn bad at some point. I just can't help myself but go before that happens."

There were a few seconds of silence, that felt like hours. She put one hand on her mouth as if she wanted to stop the words she had just said from coming out. Jay placed his hand on her fist that was clenching the napkin shreds, his thumb stroking the back of her hand with no pressure. When she finally looked up, there wasn't any pity in his gaze, but empathy. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that", he mumbled, "That guy was a total ass. I wish… I just wish I could help you. If you wanna let me, Allie, I want to."

She took a few deep breaths to relax her body, as her chest felt quite tight. His hand was still on hers and she focused on the feeling of his skin touching hers to ground her. "I wanna give it a try, yes. I'm just always scared that people have their expectations of how I am and how things go and that I won't meet those."

"Well, now that I know what you're dealing with, I don't expect anything of you", Jay said, looking her straight in the eyes, a soft expression on his face. "And you deserve to move on and determine how fast or slow things go for you."

A single tear of relief ran down her face. "I need more wine", she murmured, causing Jay to utter a brief laugh. He refilled both their glasses. "Thanks. Now that we got that out of the way, what do we do with the rest of the evening? Do you have to share some trauma, too?", she asked. Yeah, it was one of her bad habits to successfully defuse serious conversations with irony, sarcasm or humour. Some times more successfully than others.

Jay smiled and took a sip of the wine. "Nah, we keep those things for other evenings to come. We can't share all that good stuff at once, right?"

She laughed, glad that he responded in a similar manner.

When she walked him to the door later that night, she felt the exhaustion from this conversation, but it felt good. After he grabbed his jacket, she went in for a hug. He carefully wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you", she said, leaving her hands on his arms, not getting out of the hug completely. "I'm so glad we talked."

His lips twitched to a short smile. "I'm glad you decided to tell me", he said, pulling her in for another hug. She held him a bit closer this time, resting her head on his shoulder.