Title is from the song: Who I am - Wage War.

Chapter Thirteen

"I told you I'm good", Jay said, suddenly. "But that's not really the truth. I mean, I kinda thought I was. I thought I'd figure it out, like I usually do. Just go on with my day, do my thing, and I'll be good, you know. But I keep… having nightmares."

"So, you have trouble sleeping?", Alicia asked softly, even if she already knew the answer was yes. She remained in her position, cuddled against his side, her head on his shoulder.

"I do. It takes me a while to fall asleep and after I wake up from a nightmare, there is no chance I can fall asleep again."

"I'm glad you told me this. Maybe I can help you", Alicia offered, now sitting up and looking him in the eyes. She decided to let him speak and talk everything off his mind, instead of lecturing about sleep deprivation and how dangerous that could be on the long run.

"You know… It's not the first time I deal with this. I don't know, what's different this time. When I came back from a deployment, I…" He stopped talking, looking down on the ground. She could literally hear him think and chose his next words. "The insomnia is coming and going since then. I don't know when and why, so I just sit it out until it gets better. It was the worst right when I returned." He shook his head. "I don't know why I'm telling you this." There was no blame or bitterness in his voice, it was just a neutral thought said out loud.

She shrugged. "Remember, last time you told me we shouldn't share our trauma all at once, so I guess you're just sticking to our schedule of one trauma per dinner", she said jokingly, trying to ease the mood.

Jay gave her a fainted smile. "How do you do that? Talking but stuff that just… fucks your mind. Why did you tell me about your abuse, Allie? You said not many people know about it, so why did you tell me, when you just met me a while ago?"

Alicia sighed. Good question. Still, she didn't have to think about it much. "I just trust you, to be honest."

"Why?", he insisted.

"I just do, Jay. I can't explain it. Trust isn't rational. I just paid attention to my gut feeling and felt like I could tell you without you blaming me or judging me, and I was right." She paused. "And I hope to give you the same feeling."

After a few seconds Jay nodded at her, and she could feel a warmth spread inside of her. He reached over and took her hand. "Then let me tell you that I'm here to listen to you. If you want to get something off your chest, I'm here for you. I know asking for help is hard as fuck. Especially if you've never learned it, I really get that, I do. When I was in foster care, there were a few things I had to deal with on my own. There was always another child sick, violent, crying, whatever. Staff would come and go, kids would come and go, and I never had that one person to go to when I felt sad for no reason or had beef with an older kid. So, I went on with my day and eventually it went away on its own or I found a way to stop the pain or solve the problem."

Jay nodded eagerly and she could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what she meant, despite having a different upbringing, and she hated every time that happened, because every kid and every person deserves to be understood and supported. "You just learn to get by on your own."

"Thing is, you don't have to." Alicia slowly stroked the back of his hand with her thumb. "It doesn't have to be like this. I learned how to ask for help after my toxic relationship ended."

She cleared her throat. Enough of me, she though. "Can you tell me about your dreams?", Alicia asked softly.

Jay took a deep breath. "I don't think I can, right now", he admitted. It was the truth, as he felt a lump in his throat, it was like his ability to speak was blocked.

"That's okay, you don't have to. Can you talk to Erin about this? She's your partner."

Jay hesitated. "It's complicated. On one hand, yes, I can, she gets me and we're good as partners. But I don't know if you've heard it, but we dated a short while."

Allie has suspected it and was relieved to have the confirmation. She was a person who got jealous easy, but it wasn't the time or place to feel that, so she forced her focus back on the conversation.

"I see, that doesn't make it easier talking to her. Have you ever been to therapy, after… all that?" She made a vague gesture, as she didn't want to say abduction. What a cruel word. "I guess as police you have those obligatory sessions after certain events? We do, too."

Jay suddenly leaned forward, grabbing his beer bottle, and taking a sip, as if he had just remembered it was still there. "That's not for me", was all he said. Alicia swallowed down a comment, for now at least. Therapy was only useful for those willing to go. She grabbed her beer as well. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, but it wasn't an awkward silence, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was a silence between two people who had said enough for the moment and just were comfortable in enjoying each other's company.

Jay breathed in deeply. "Some of my recent nightmares… are about my time in the army." As soon as he finished, he got up and brought the empty bottles back in the kitchen, and Alicia knew that was all he was going to say about his dreams this night. When he came back, she got up. "It's time for me to go home. Thank you so much for the dinner, and the talk, once again."

Jay went in for a hug. "Thank you too", he whispered in her ear. She held him tight. "Your pace, Jay", she responded before letting go of him.

The next day, Alicia met Nadia at the table, eating breakfast.

"Morning", Nadia said, with a knowing smile. "Had a fun night?"

Alicia grabbed her bowl of overnight oats from the fridge and heated it up in the microwave, while she cut some fruits. "Oh, who do you think I am, I was home so early. Didn't you hear me?"

Nadia shrugged. "I don't even know when I went to bed. I'm still so tired all day. – Oh, before I forget it. Last evening someone showed up at our apartment and asked for you. That guy gave me the creeps, to be honest, so I wanted to tell you."

Alicia froze. She had a terrible feeling who that might have been. She grabbed her bowl and sat down at the table, across of her roommate. "Who was it?"

"He said his name is Wes. Didn't give me a last name."

No way. "What did he say?", Allie asked. Her lungs felt like she was breathing freezing cold air.

Nadia shrugged again. "He knocked and said that he thought you lived here. Like I said, he gave me weird vibes, so I just said that I know you but that you aren't here, and I don't know where you are right now. He seemed sceptical, for a second, I thought he'd just go inside, but he then said he'd catch you later. And I just shut the door in his face. I rather be a bitch and apologize later if a guy turns out to be harmless, then… you know."

Son. Of a. Bitch.

Nadia gave her a concerned look. "What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Alicia cleared her throat. She could feel anger rise inside of her, to her surprise. The cold feeling in her chest was gone and left her body tensed up. "You were right, Nadia, that guy is a creep. I know him. Better don't let him in here."

"Do you need help? Allie, is that your ex?" She really sounded concerned now.

Alicia didn't say anything. She stared into her cereal bowl and felt the overwhelming urge to throw it hard against the wall.

"Allie!"

"Yes, it's him, dear god! Wes is my ex."

"What's he doing here, how did he find you?"

Alicia buried her face in her hands. "No idea, really. Maybe he wants me back, but I doubt it, after all those years… I'm so sorry, Nadia."

Nadia grabbed her arm. "Don't be. Nothing happened. But we need to think about what to do next. Do you think he just wants to talk, or…?"

Allie already knew what to do next. She wanted him to regret ever coming to Chicago and get him the hell out of her city. She felt the familiar rush of aggression that got her into trouble when she was a teen. No, she wasn't the same person she had been when she had left Chicago before even turning twenty. And Wes was gonna find that out one way or another.