Alive, Just Shattered

Chapter 5: Will-o'- the-wisp

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or YYH

From deep within the foggy grounds of the world of dreams something tugged at her pulling her out. What she did not know. The world she had come to know as her dreams that she had been 'living' for so long became blurry, images fading from sight. Something was pulling her back to the world of the awake and all she could do was be pulled into it. She took in a sharp yet deep breath as she shot up, finally arriving in the world of the awake… or where ever she had become to be.

Kagome looked around her; the place was just as she had left it from the looks of it. Just as empty without a soul besides herself and Kirara who appeared to still be sleeping. For how long the fire cat had been sleeping she did not know and she couldn't even say how long she herself had been sleeping. In this place nothing changed to even imagine how long or for how long she had even been in this place.

She was now awake, something she did not wish to be. Kagome gazed down at her hands. They were just the same as the last time she had been out in the cold, frigid air from where she had come from. The question rung a bell again. How long had she been in here, in this 'place'; then again it didn't matter.

Kagome raised her head looking up where in her dreams she had seen a bright blue sky. Within her dreams she merely seemed to watch as people went on with their lives, though she wasn't seen by any. It was like she was just a ghost, though she knew she was alive and that all of that had been just a dream. In her dream she had seen Inuyasha and Kikyo and had watched them as they lived their 'lives'. She had watched as a sickness swooped over the lands, an illness that she had read about in her time. She watched as the plague killed many, including Inuyasha and Kikyo's first born.

Kagome felt nothing as she watched the dream play out. She knew it was a dream and only that, nothing more. Besides if it were things like that no longer seemed to affect her anymore. Sorrow had consumed her till the point she could no longer feel it. The pain and anguish was turning her numb.

Somehow she had been brought back here to gaze upon the empty depths of her prison. There were no walls or bars keeping her in. Instead there was nothing but a vast nothingness that stretched as far as the eye could see. This nothingness separated her from the world of Inuyasha and all she had come to know as well as where she had lost it all. That was all in the past now and the past could not be changed.

Kagome closed her eyes, images of clouds going across a bright blue sky played in her mind as though someone had sped up time. The sun rose and descended in the sky as time seemed to fly by within seconds. The tingling feeling of life was on the tip of her senses as though it were teasing her. Stretching her hand out as though trying to grasp it and hold onto it.

Life…. A life is what she desired again, to just forget it all and start over. Was it so much to want that simple happy yet so naïve life she had once had? For one day to just be able to see her family again.

'Inuyasha…'

Truth was she still loved him and she had never stopped. The feeling never weakened in any way. A longing grew within her as time had grown on. She accepted the fact him and her could never be. Maybe the reason she desired him so badly was just a longing to be loved, maybe that was all it and ever been. In truth that is all anyone ever wanted and deep down everyone knows it whether they realize it or not. No one can say they would truly live a life of solitude because somewhere within them even if it's a small piece buried within the depths of their mind they desire that. It is something that all human beings desired.

Human beings are weak and sadly very fragile. Emotions are what make them and can so easily destroy them; something Kagome knew all to well about. They need the company of others to survive.

"I want out…I wish to live again." Kagome said just above a whisper.

She felt it, a pulse. It was faint like a gentle breeze. It pulsed again as though bringing her back to life. Life…that tingling feeling on the edge of her senses. The small hairs on her arms were standing on end. Kagome unsheathed her sword, the air rippling around it as it seemed to come to life.

'Live…'

We all desire to be in a place that we can belong in. We all desire somewhere where it is safe and free of things that frighten or bother us. A place where we can know we are home. Some never do manage to find that place and so they wander and their ambitions are nothing but a will-o'- the-wisp. Those that wander may never find a long lasting happiness only a momentarily or false belief of happiness. Will any of us truly find happiness?

The sky was painted in hues of gray and blue. Rain fell high above from thick gray clouds only to be frozen and turned into snow as it made its way down to the ground. The world was covered in a thick blanket of cold white snow. Ice cold kisses touched her face as she opened her eyes to the cold world around her.

Her body was numb as she shivered from an icy wind that hit her back. Looking around she saw no one or nothing, not even Kirara. Her only companion and friend that she had left, was missing. Searching quickly with her eyes she saw no sign of the furry cat. A meow reached her ears as she quickly turned around only to slip on the cold hard ground and fall back into the icy snow.

Have you ever had that moment when things just seemed to slow down as though put on slow motion? That's what it was like for Kagome as she fell. The wind blowing harshly as her long raven locks flew up in the air contrasting against the pale world around her. Soon she was lying on soft snow gazing up at the gray-blue sky.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she sadly gazed up at the sky. Could she ever be happy as she once was again? The truth was no she couldn't. She was dead on the inside and the action to be happy within her was lost for forever. Kirara walked over giving her a nudge already in her larger form and now seemed to be fully awake. Still Kagome laid there not willing to move just yet. From a place so dark to this land of cold white was a strain on her eyes or maybe her body was growing more tired as the days grew on.

Some say that the body could not live without the soul. Kikyo should have been proof of that. Though if that was true, how was she still here in this realm where the living still roamed? Her own soul was torn and shattered into so many pieces. Though maybe the fact that even though it was not whole but still connected to her somehow she remained here. Why was she still here? What purpose did she serve?

'What god has forsaken me? Who could possibly deserve something such as what they have thrown onto me?'

Kirara mewed once again trying to urge Kagome to get up. The icy snow numbed her, freezing all the pain that echoed from the remains of her shattered soul. Why had fate put her on such a desolate path? Why had her cat have to go into the well house? Why did she follow? If she never had so many would still have their lives. If she hadn't have gone would the demon named Mistress Centipede have taken her brother instead? Though if that would have happened her brother would have died for sure.

Was he even ok hundreds of years into the future where she had once named it as her home? Was her mother crying over her lost daughter? Did everyone she knew morn over her? Or did her mother have some will-o' -the-wisp that her daughter was fine and would one day even return to her? Sadly if that were so she would be kept waiting the rest of her days.

In the end do we ever get what we truly desire? If so then she must be an exception. Do we ever find a place where we feel as though we truly belong? If so when would she find a place where she belongs?

Kirara nudged her again, quickly becoming impatient. A soft and almost undetectable sigh escaped her lips as she sat up, snow falling from her hair in the process. Her sigh was heard by no one but Kirara who meowed in satisfaction. Soft, white, icy flakes of snow continued to fall making her long tresses appear to have white intertwined with them.

"So where do we go now?" A question for who Kagome wasn't sure who to.

Kirara walked away leaving Kagome to follow and to think of where they could be. With all the snow there were no real land marks to look and figure out where they could be. Though Kirara seemed to have some idea. Either that or she just didn't care. Did it really matter where she was? Where ever it was wasn't where she wished to be. Her friends weren't here, they were dead and her family were years from now.

Slowly Kagome stood following her companion now noticing how long her hair had become. How long was she in that place? Her hair now reached her knees and her skin had become a ghostly white from the lack of sun. Strangely she still wasn't hungry and she wasn't even tired.

Kirara mewed again, now stopped and waiting for Kagome who had stopped to catch up. Kagome quickly trudged through the snow leaving a trail in the snow behind her. The harsh cold winds blew again hitting her back though it seemed to have no effect on her, it only numbed her more from the aching pain that cried out from the remainders of her soul that still remained inside of her.

Have you ever asked yourself what would you do if everything you knew fell down around you? Could you carry the pain and try to carry on despite all that had happened? Would you collapse in it all? In our most desperate moments we hold onto anything that we can to keep us from falling. If you fell, whether tripping off of something instantly your hands will reach out trying to grab anything that you can. The same thing happens when you fall emotionally and mentally. But what happens when there is nothing to grab onto? Simple you fall and when Kagome fell she shattered.

It seemed like forever as they continued to make their way through the snow. Gradually as the day went on the snow got deeper till the point it was up to her knees. The icy winds continued to hit her back and she was sure there was now ice forming in her hair. At times she wasn't even sure if she was able to even feel her limbs but she didn't care.

It soon began to grow dark as the sun made its way down the sky and beyond the horizon. The clouds blocked any light that the stars may have provided and Kagome was left to walk in the dark. Kirara had long slowed down and now it was Kagome who walked ahead with Kirara left to follow on.

When everything is gone and you don't know what to do you try to get away. Unknowingly that is what Kagome was doing. To just have a place where she knew she belonged and she could at last be at peace.

"Welcome home Kagome!"

"Mother…" The one word passed her lips as an image of her appeared in her mind before everything went black.

"Kagome what are you going to do once the hunt for the jewel shards is over?" Sango asked.

One of her closest and only girl friends she saw now a days and her were sitting together by the camp fire. Shippo who was still a child even if he was a demon was fast asleep next to Kagome. Her eyebrows drew together. What would she do? She hadn't really thought of it. Could she stay here or would she go home? What did one have to offer that the other didn't? Kagome took her gaze off of the flames and back to Sango.

"I'm not really sure now that I think about it. I have my family and so much in the time I come from. No matter what if I do go back to my time I will still come back to visit everyone."

"It must be hard being away from your family so much." Sango said with a hint of sadness and grief in her words.

Kagome was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say on the subject. One reason was Sango had lost her whole family because of Naraku and her only family left was under Naraku's control. The other was because even though she was away from them she knew they were safe and she had another set of family here.

"Yes I do miss them a lot but I have you guys also." Kagome said breaking the moment of silence.

"We are more like family now aren't we?" Sango said smiling.

"If I were to stay … for good that is, it would have to depend on how some things turn out I guess." Kagome said turning her gaze off to the fire blushing.

"Why Kagome I didn't know you thought of Inuyasha like that." Miroku said as he entered the camp in a joking way.

"I don't mean like that."

"So you were talking about Inuyasha." He said sitting down on Sango's other side.

"I never said that either." Kagome said quickly looking down.

"What about me?"

"Nothing." Kagome quickly answered, Miroku and Sango were laughing next to her.

It was cold and dark, where was she? When had she even passed out? All she remembered was a blur of snowy white, the cold winds, and her urge to walk on. Laying there looking up Kagome realized she must be in a cave as she looked at its hard rocky ceiling above. Sighing she closed her eyes enjoying the pitch black nothingness that came to vision. There was a time when she was young that she was afraid of the dark, afraid demons would come out and harm her. Her mother would always be there to save her from those fears of hers. Now that she was older she knew what true demons and fears were . If only her mother could be here to wash these fears away.

If she could go back and change something, anything… would she be like this now? What wouldn't she give to change all of this or at least have someone or something to hold onto now. Once you've fallen and you get something to keep you up you hold onto whatever it is just to keep up no matter what because that fear of falling again; faster and harder than ever is so much more terrifying. If she could just have someone…

'Anyone…'

But hopes and things like that were pointless. There's no one left for her now. A light hit her face making her open her eyes to see the first rays of the morning sun. Slowly Kagome got up, walking to the edge of the cave to see where she even was. Kirara was asleep in the back, trying to keep warm the best she could. She must have carried her here after she passed out. At least she had someone watching out for her but what did it matter now?

It was still somewhat dark but the morning rays cast a purple glow over the land that was still covered in layers of snow. The sky was covered in thick dark clouds that promised even more snow. Walking out a bit she realized her clothes were frozen stiff with ice, the thin material wasn't made for winter let alone so much snow. Despite her frozen clothes and the icy cold air Kagome walked out of the cave leaving any sort of warmth she may have had, enjoying the deep snow. Raising her arms she twirled around, hoping some of her happy childhood innocence would come back to her.Why is it we have to have so many dreams and wishes that will never come true but in our dreams and sometimes not even there?

A soft yet sad melody came from her lips echoing off the rocky mountains around her as though they were singing along with her. What wouldn't she give to have someone here with her and wrap their arms around her. Everyone wants to feel needed and wanted, the desire to be loved is within all of us no matter how much we may shun the feeling. Coming to a stop and letting her arms fall back down to her side she gazed up at the sky. Would she ever feel like that again? Was she even able to?

Turning she directed her gaze back to the cave. She has been so selfish and completely forgotten about Kirara. Even if the fire cat was a demon she couldn't handle this kind of weather for forever, she needed somewhere warm and some food. She herself would go on days without sleep or food if Inuyasha hadn't forced her to take care of herself. Finally giving in to what was left of the little voice in her head cheering her on to do good deeds she walked into the cave; she had to find real shelter for Kirara.

The harsh winds hit against her side urging her to hurry. Walking in her eyes saddened upon seeing Kirara huddled in the back. The poor thing was in her smaller form, to tired to remain in her larger one. Would she really allow the only friend she had left to die because she was so selfish? Where could she take the fire cat? She had no idea where she was or how far any real place to rest would be.

Why is it as you get older things tend to hurt you more and more? As a child things don't hurt you so much. Maybe that would have to do with not understanding what's going on. You would thing or at least like to think as you get older you learn how o deal with things but instead it all just hurts more. Would she ever be free of this?

Kagome woke up with a start. She breathed heavily sitting up in her bed. Looking around at her surroundings her face quickly changed to a mournful expression. Memories of her friends deaths and the well's no acceptance of her entered her mind.

It had been only yesterday that she had tiredly walked over to the well seeking peace and a world where she could heal. There had been a difference this time when she jumped in. As she roughly hit the bottom with a hard thud it dawned her that she wasn't home and she soon found out she couldn't go back.

Kagome rubbed her sore arm as she thought back on it. Seeing as her dreams only haunted her she had no desire to return to them. Standing up quietly as to not disturb old Kaede she walked out. Upon walking out her eyes went to the dark starry sky. It was cold out and she could easily make out her breath in the darkness, her only light the stars above. Kikyo and Inuyasha were in their own hut they had gotten yesterday. It only seemed right that the new married couple had their own hut to live in together.

The thought ate away at her and made her cringe as an icy pain consumed her entire being. Having to see the one you love with another was one of the most painful things she had ever encountered. Would she hate their children? Why couldn't her friends still be here? At least then she wouldn't feel so alone.

Lost in her thoughts Kagome walked, her hands standing on end as the cold brought tiny little bumps all over her body. The moon could be easily seen though the trees bare limbs. Fallen leaves covered the ground. They had fallen just like she had. How could she remain here? Well in truth she had no choice but how could she cope with everything here? She would get better wouldn't she? She came to a stop once she came to the well. Slowly as though she was frightened she walked over resting her hands on the well's surface.

The old wood felt smooth under her hands. If she jumped in once more - maybe she could go back this time. Letting out a shaky breath Kagome jumped. The thought of home was strong in her mind. Her hopes went unanswered as she harsh hit the ground hurting her arm further. Laying there she cried, warm salty tears rolled down her face instantly. Why couldn't she just go home? Why had her time forsaken her?

The soft meow of Kirara didn't register in her mind as she continued to cry. The fire cat softly landed next to her. Somehow Kirara understood her pain and curled up next to her allowing Kagome to hold her and cry. Kirara would be the only one to ever see her cry.

Kagome had been walking for some time now and had yet to come upon a village. It was about midday and even though the sun should be clearly seen high in the sky it was hidden by the thick clouds and heavily falling snow. Kirara would dose in and out as she continued to walk, constantly shivering. Kagome hadn't really realized it till now but her companion has been weak ever since they had come out of whatever that place was. It was as though the place drained the energy from her.

A sigh escaped her lips as she looked sadly down at her companion. Kirara lifted her head signaling she was awake once again before yawning and jumping from her arms. Kirara stretched before transforming into her larger form which was better for this type of weather.

"Your awake." Kagome said grateful.

Kirara gave a soft meow before signaling for Kagome to get onto her back so they could continue onward. Kagome was grateful and quickly got onto her back. She had been walking in the deep snow all day and was tired, the rest would be good for her. Kagome tiredly wrapped her arms around her neck resting her head. Kirara quickly took off to find a village. Kagome needed warmth and food just as much as she did even though she may not say it.

Kirara flew in the skys pushing on against the falling snow and icy winds. Kagome fell in and out of sleep. Sleep wouldn't be easy no matter how tired she was. The icy winds felt like knives against her bare skin. There was so much snow in her hair that it looked as though it were white instead of black. Her thin clothing was stiff with a thin layer of ice on them. Her purple lips trembled as her entire body shook from the cold.

Kagome quickly shot up as Kirara quickly jerked and moved to the left dodging an oncoming attack. Another attack came out of no where knocking her off of Kirara's back. A gasp escaped her lips as Kagome sucked in a large gulp of air as she fell from high above. As she fell she could barely make out Kirara trying to dodge another attack. Her hair blew past her as she quickly fell.

'Inuyasha….'

Kagome hit the ground with much force, the deep snow doing little for her collision with the ground. Sharp pangs of pain coursed through her body. A painful moan escaped her lips as she attempted to roll over. She collapsed to the ground in pain, the soft sound of crunching snow could be heard.

"A priestess huh? Now what would you be doing on your own in this day of age?"

Kagome struggled to raise her body off the ground. Her bow and arrow had fallen off of her in the fall and was somewhere in the snow. Weakly she fell onto her but as she drew her sword from its sheath.

"It wasn't a smart thing to be on your own when your kind is hunted down and killed." The demon said as he walked closer.

Kagome looked around but couldn't make out anything in the snow. Where was Kirara, was she alright? Scooting back some Kagome held up her sword trying to find out where the demon was coming from.

"You pathetic humans think you can possibly rid the lands of a race that is superior to your own when it is your race that should die."

Kagome slowly and cautiously stood trying to ignore the surging pain. She wasn't sure what he was talking about but whatever it was she wasn't in a good position.

"You pathetic human, die!"

Kagome quickly raised her blade in defense as he lunged at her. He quickly pushed off distancing himself from her, vanishing back into the snow. His stoic laughed rang in her ears as he watched her from the shadowing snow. Kagome's eyes scanned the surrounding area tryng to make something out. The demon was dressed in all white and his white hair made it easy for him to blend in.

The sudden crunch of snow quickly alerted her as she turned around to see him lunging at her again. Kirara quickly came to her rescue tackling the demon to the ground. Kagome quickly raised her blade in prepare of an attack as the demon threw Kirara off of him.

"Why are you helping this human when she and all of her kind will hunt you down and kill you?" The demon asked Kirara. "All humans must die!"

Kagome stepped back quickly swinging her blade as the nameless demon lunged at her again. The demon jumped back again knowing if he got to close long enough he could easily be purified. Before she could react she was hit from behind, being pushed to the ground. She quickly tried to rise and turn to attack back when she was beat to it. A bloody hand protruded from his chest. Blood and muscle clung to the sharp claws of the hand. Kagome moved her gaze to the demons face, his expression was filled with pain.

The now dead demon was quickly thrown to the side, his blood staining the white snow. She quickly moved her gave to her knew threat. Where was Kirara? Looking up she met another demon dressed in white with silver hair, she froze once she met gold eyes.

"Inuyasha-.'

Kirara could be heard growling as she stood next to Kagome. At least her companion was alright. Looking up at the demon she could see a from marring his face.

"How do you know of the half-breed known as Inuyasha human?"

Kagome relaxed upon realizing the demons voice. No he was not Inuyasha but he was Sesshomaru. Somehow she knew she would be alright.

"I used to travel with him. You would think you would remember seeing as you tried to kill me when I pulled out your father's sword."

Kagome stood up placing her hand on Kirara's head telling her it was alright. Sesshomaru and her may not have ever been on the best of terms but she doubted he would kill her.

"So it is you, I am surprised to see you alive girl. I had assumed you died in this large killing of species."

"Genocide…"