Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket.
The steam from his cup of coffee rose in the way a woman's hair swirls about on a windy day. Or at least for Shigure anyway, who couldn't tear his mind away from the opposite sex for a long period of time. He found he could compare almost anything to a woman's features or temperament.
Like now. Hatori was acting like an impatient woman hoping to draw her husband's attention with a soliloquy that stultified the senses, a relentless banter of negative phrases. But the man did this with no words. Annoyance rose from and fanned him in a glorious aura of pissed-off-ness. This agitation was expressed with good reason. Shigure hadn't spoken for fifteen minutes, a new record of silence for him. When around people, the Dog found it necessary to exercise his vocal cords. Sometimes he didn't even need an audience.
A loud sigh he hoped sounded tragic emitted from his lips as he took a large gulp of the bitter beverage. More sugar, he thought as he reached for the sugar dispenser in the center of the table.
He felt the sticky summer-like breeze touch his neck with the entrance of another customer. Hatori and Shigure met at a quiet café on a stormy Saturday. No. Not met. Met implied that both parties willingly entered company with one another. Shigure had practically commanded Hatori join him, dragging him along until he shot him a withering glare and threw the hand clawed around his arm off.
"You...wanted to see me. Any particular reason?" Hatori asked.
He put on a worried frown as if seriously offended. "Do I need a reason? I'm not always getting into trouble!" A theatrical voice accompanied the palm slapped over his forehead, putting forth a farce of being deeply hurt. "Why do you always think the worst of me? Ooh, ooh! I feel all squiggly just thinking about it. And that look." He pointed at Hatori. "That disapproving look filled with...disapproval."
"Why is it you feel the need for this? Cut the dramatics. If you have something to say, do so," he replied in his usual monotone.
He gave the medic's words some consideration. Why did he feel the need to do this? To give every matter, no matter how mundane, sprinkles of drama? Because that's who I am! he answered himself confidently, stirring in the sugar from the torn packet. If only he felt as sure. There was more to it. He knew that to be fact, but wanted to dance around it. Why?
I...hate tension. And... I hate the terrible things in life, same as everyone. But I'd rather cover up that fear with jokes, prolong revisiting anything grotesque.
Eyes flashed dangerous silver in his mind. He couldn't suppress the shudder upsetting his shoulders. What had Kyou done to her? That bastard. He couldn't help feeling contempt, just a small portion, for the male, and then felt the tiniest bit of remorse afterward. Was it entirely Kyou's fault? He hadn't asked to fall for Tohru. But he had, and their bliss was her melancholy.
After she left him on the roof, he had felt empty. He had tried to help her and hadn't succeeded. Things were more one-dimensional when she was younger. All he had to chirp was, "Endure!" and she would. But the same word wouldn't help her. Kagura wasn't a machine: give her a command and she'd comply. Even though he knew she wanted to move on, Kagura just couldn't. It would take time, lots of time. Time was her enemy now, making her stare at the ceiling of her room. He could only imagine her torment.
"You're my best friend, Ha'ri. Well, one of them, next of Aya, naturally. But I've always valued your advice, your insight. I called you a fun-sucker once when you wouldn't do karaoke, but I was drunk and therefore unaccountable for my actions. But... I didn't mean that. I don't feel that way, is what I'm trying to say."
He appeared to be taken aback by Shigure's bashful chatter. Once he recollected himself, which didn't take long, he cleared his throat. "I know, Shigure. And... Uh..." He wasn't used to giving heart-to-hearts, shown by the way he fidgeted in his seat with downcast eyes. He reminded him of a timid boy. Shigure grinned. "I don't think you're... annoying. Or silly. Well, I do think you're silly, but you're not always..."
"Let's be honest here! I am silly. I'm childish. I'm absent-minded and foolish. I'm outspoken and inconvenience people to get what I want. I'm... a Gimme."
Hatori almost choked on the swallow of coffee going down his throat. "Excuse me? A Gimme?" The way he Hatori posed the questions made him think Hatori believed the term to be of Shigure's invention. But he couldn't claim ownership.
He smiled with closed eyes as he slanted his back, shoulders cuddling the cream-colored wall behind him. Gimme. A simple word describing the worst of human sins: greed. Gimme. It was a decisive word, quick, efficient, a command. But he disagreed on Kagura on one thing. She wasn't just a Gimme. Kagura was the most demanding, stubborn person he knew. And she had stepped on a few toes to get what she wanted. Well, more like beaten a person, namely Kyou, senseless to get what she wanted. But she skimped out on giving herself credit. The very act of her letting him go made her a Giver. She was considering what Kyou wanted instead of her own needs. And, yes, she was angry. But she didn't act on those feelings. She even lied to Tohru and Kyou, telling them how happy she was for them! He had witnessed the scene between them, had seen, just for a second, a splash of falseness in her expressions, her movements, her words.
He opened his eyes. "A Gimme, according to Kagu-chan, is a selfish person only interested in their own welfare. Gimmes are the toe-steppers of the world, the ones who are self-absorbed. That's what I am," he said simply. "A Gimme. And don't you dare try to deny it," he commanded as he witnessed Hatori's lips part. Shigure threw out a carefree laugh. "That was a Gimme thing of me to do. Gimmes are big on ordering people around.
"I dragged you here." A solemn expression matched equally serious words. "I've made you do karaoke so many times. With my Sparkly-Eyed Technique." He allowed himself a note of laughter. "I can't recall how many times I made teachers alter my grades. Poor Karuma-sensei. She was so easy to manipulate though.
"On my seventeenth birthday, Kagura found a picture I was drawing of her. She was coloring it in, happily chattering to herself as she gave herself green eyes and red hair. I remember thinking; she's having fun without me? Unacceptable. And I grabbed her arm, telling her to draw me. With a smile, but an order's an order.
"And then there's Mii-chan, sweet, innocent Mii-chan, who's just trying to scrape out a living for herself. I keep denying her my manuscripts, playing a game with her every time. Demanding an explosion from her by frustrating her and being fulfilled every time. You know, I think I chose her to be my editor because she reminded me of Karuma-sensei: a push-over. And I appreciate her for that! Any normal person'd give up on me, quit. However, she stayed because..." He waggled his eyebrows at Hatori, darting him a meaningful glance. Hatori didn't get the message.
"...I'm very persuasive when I want to be," he said finally.
Hatori blinked. After a long silence, he said, "Look, Shigure, I know what you are. But you can't possibly believe that people are one or the other. People are a mix of... demanding, selfish and... kind, self-sacrificing."
He nodded in agreement. "As infants, we were Gimmes. Wanting food, wanting attention, wanting to be changed, wanting sleep. In those days, we resorted to crying, but with our evolved awareness and vocabulary, we could make those desires more clear. But with time, our personas change. As babies, we didn't know how to give, but now that we're older, we can be altruistic as well.
"Kagura...is way too hard on herself. She thinks of herself as only selfish for loving Kyou without getting his assent. His assent. As if she needs his permission to love him, although I'm sure he would've wanted that. He would've avoided many annually broken bones that way. Kagura disregarded what he wanted, which was to be left alone. In that sense, and others, she is a Gimme. But she's done so much. She told me...it was okay for me to be Undecided. That I didn't have to know what I wanted to pursue as a career yet. She even decided to be Undecided with me." He suddenly thought of her grey eyes, pretty grey eyes filled with starry hope as she made her pledge that they'd figure out what they wanted to do with their lives together. She was vivid in his mind: tall, with dark hair and flawless skin.
Beautiful.
This surprised him. What was this? What was he feeling? He always had known of her beauty, but this... Why was his heart racing? Why was he feeling so faint? Why was he thinking about everything she was and feeling...like this? Why was he thinking of how much she had done for him and not feeling the same simple affection he once felt?
"Oh no," he muttered. "Oh, God. Oh, Ha'ri. Is this that emotion? Is this love?" He looked at the male sitting adjacent from him. "That's really bad for me! Aya said that if I loved anyone other than him, he'd punish me severely," he cried with a napkin corner jabbing the corner of his humor-filled eyes. Shigure sighed, no longer joking. "It...is." Soft surprise caressed his sentence. "What an inopportune time for me to fall! But I shouldn't do that. Think of myself.
"When you love someone, truly love someone, you have to know when to let go. Even if you'd rather die than give them up, when it's their time to leave, let them. Kagura did this for Kyou because his happiness meant more than her own. Tohru made him happy, and even if she wasn't happy with that, she at least respected that. You did the same for... Kana-kun, because you loved her, because the only thing that would give her happiness would befor her to forget you. You were a strong person for doing this. I know it must've hurt deeply, knowing of what you used to share.
"I think I have my solution, Ha'ri. I've fallen for a woman with a shattered heart. It would be selfish of me to tell her I love her now. She'd have to tell me she doesn't feel the same and that'd hurt her more. I can't bear the thought of doing that: causing her grief. So I'll hope that she's happy without me. It'll be a lie, of course. I want her to be happy, but if she were to be happy without me... I don't know if I could bear that." A pause.
"But here's my plan. I won't tell her of my feelings, ever. Do you know why, Ha'ri? Because I don't deserve her. And I'd be greedy, only thinking of myself, if I did tell her. It's a cowardly act, and shields my heart from rejection. But if it helps her, it can't be bad of me to do this, is it, Ha'ri?"
He drained the last of his coffee. The lukewarm liquid bit his tongue with its pungent flavor.
Kagura... you've lived with this unrequited love for him for so long, most of your life. You've endured better than I have. And because of that, you need someone as giving as you. So...be happy without me, Kagu-chan.