Chapter Three

The Letters from No One

As they got of the train all the first years were gathered up by Hagrid and brought to the lake.

"We will cross the lake here!" screamed Hagrid.

"Where's the boat's you big oaf!" screamed Ron angrily.

"BOAT?" screamed Hagrid "WERE SWIMMING YOU STUPID IDIOTS! GET IN THE WATER!"

Hagrid began throwing the students in the lake and then forced them to swim across by whipping them with a very large whip. When all the first years had gotten across the lake their backs were very sore.

"WHAT!" screamed Harry angrily staring up at Hogwarts "I kill the dark lord and this is what you give me? This castle is old and crappy!"

"DON'T TALK TO MY MOM LIKE THAT!" screamed Hagrid punching Harry in the face.

"Your moms a castle?" asked Ron.

"Gasp!" gasped Hagrid "How dare you! My mom might be huge but you still can't call her a castle! HOW DARE YOU!" He then beat up Ron. Suddenly a time warp opened and Hermione walked out of it in silky pajamas.

"I'm Baaaaaack!" said Hermione in her annoying complainy voice.

"Oh NOOOO!" said many people.

"Students! Come into the castle!" said a stern witch with very large glasses and a hat that said 'I see pineapples' on it "I am professor Mcgonigal! Follow me! HAGRID STOP BEATING UP PEOPLE!"

The first years followed Mcgonigal into the castle and into the great hall. The ceiling was cool because it was bewitched to look yellow.

"I will call the first years up one by one. When your name is called you will try on the sorting sock and be sorted into your house!" said Mcgonigal "Ron Weasley!"

Ron went up and put of the sock.

"Gryffindor!" said the sock.

"WhooHoo!" said Ron sitting with his brothers. Five minutes later Harry was called up.

"Yay!" said Harry putting on the sock.

"Oh my god!" screamed the sock. "Harry Potter! The wrestler from Dr. Phil!"

"NO!" screamed Harry.

"Oh Okay! Gryffindor!" said the sock

"NOOOOO!" screamed Harry "I want to be in Slyhterin!"

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron from the audience.

"CRAP!" screamed Harry sitting between Ron and Hermione. In the front off the room an old ugly man stood up and began to speak.

"I AM THE MIGHTY DUMBLEDORE!" screamed Dumbledore "NOW EVERYBODY GO TO YOUR FRIGGIN DORMS ALREADY! AND…uh…VOLDEMORT!"

"But I'm hungry!" cried Ron. "AND I DO NOT SMELL LIKE OLIVE OIL! IT'S JUST AN ALLUSION!"

"Here eat this poison cactus!" screamed Hermione handing Ron the cactus.

"Yummy!" said Ron eating the cactus. And since the cactus was poisonous Ron turned purple.

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!" screamed harry angrily.

"You heard the man! Go to your dorms!" screamed Percy Weasley whose paper clothes said his identity.

"I KNOW THE WAY! FOLLOW ME MY UGLY FRIENDS!" screamed Ron as he led the way.

Harry and Hermione where forced to leave and follow Ron to the dorm. But after three hours of walking they realized that Ron had no idea were the dorm was. And by that time they were very lost.

"Why oh why didn't we follow Percy!" said Ron sadly.

"Because you told us you knew the way!" said Hermione.

"Oh Shut up!' said Ron "Stupid know it all!"

"A door!" said Harry happily. He had just found a door. "Lets go in!" so they went in. And inside they found a giant peanut with three heads.

"ROAR!" roared the peanut

"EEK!" screamed Ron and they ran out of the room.

"What was that doing there?" asked Harry.

"Obviously guarding something. Oh look! The dorm!" said Hermione pointing at a big door with the words 'Gryffindor Dorm' on it.

"Password?" asked the door.

"We don't know it!" said Ron pointing out the obvious.

"THEN GUESS!" screamed the door angrily.

"Wait!" said Hermione "We can just open the door by ourselves." So they opened the door and went in to find a huge party inside.

"WHY ARE YOU PARTYING!" screamed Ron

"We're celebrating Thomas Kinkade!" said George.

"Who?" asked Harry.

"The old guy who invented the sorcerers gravestone! It's a gravestone that can make you live forever!" said Bennie.

"Ooh! Carpet!" screamed Ron eating the carpet off the floor.

Suddenly Hedwig, the flesh-eating-tiger-bird flew in and dropped a letter on Harry's head. He then began eating people's flesh.

"Ohh a letter!" screamed Harry opening the letter, which did not have a name on it.

"What does it say? Who's it from?" asked Hermione who had just fallen in a hole in the floor and was still there.

"It says: 'Mr. Harry Potter you smell like expired cheerios.' And it's from no one!" said Harry mysteriously.

"Ooh! Mysterious!" aid Hermione who was still stuck in the hole.

"Very" said Harry "We'll get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing we do!"

"But Harry!" complained Hermione "I don't want to!"

"TOO BAD!" screamed Ron. Well, that's what he meant to say, but since he had a large amount of carpet in his mouth it sounded more like he said "Tuba"

"I love tuba's!" screamed Harry who then went to bed and dreamt about water beetles and coconut flavored paper.

I know this Chapter sucks but you should Review anyway!