Disclaimer: the standard 'don't own don't sue' (do I have to say this over and over again?)

Warning: HikaAki Shonen-ai (slightly one-sided); Hikaru POV; not so fluffy, a bit angst maybe; not beta-ed; apologies for any grammatical and spelling mistakes blah blah blah…

A/N: I'm currently looking for two betas for my new fic 'The Tale of Light' (as you've probablynoticed I suck at making up titles, so I may change it to something else later). This AU fic takes place during the Heian period, main characters are Sai, Hikaru and Akira, along with OCs (most of them are real historical figures such as Murasaki Shikibu and Sei Shonagon). There's a lot of background info on Japanese culture and real historical events that took place during that time (mainly based on the record of Lady Murasaki's Diary), so this will be good reading for anyone interested in Japanese history and culture. I'm not planning to post it until I've found a beta, so if anyone's interested please tell me in the review or email/PM me! Thankies!

--

The Shape of Love 愛のかたち

by Rebbi

--

Chapter Three: A friend --友達--

Should it ever be a sin to love someone? If I love him as much as any other person would love his or her own lover, why should they be admired while I am condemned because of it? Who has the authority to judge what kind of love is right and what is wrong anyway? God? No! This is my feeling. I don't care if it's not accepted by society! I don't need others to tell me what is right or wrong! I, and I alone will decide on that.

I love him. Yes. And I am prepared to scream these three words to the world a thousand times if it takes that much to convince everyone on Earth of my passion and sincerity. Touya Akira. Regardless of whether he be a man, woman, machine, animal or plant, I love him and always will.

This, is my love.

Don't ever, ever be ashamed of who you love.

Thanks, Akari. Your words saved me from the cage I've created for myself. I would not run away any more. It was time I come out from the shadow of my mask.

'Na, Waya?'

'Hm?'

'Did I tell you that I broke up with Akari?'

'What? How come?'

'I cheated on her, and she found ou – Ewww! Don't spray me with ramen!'

'You CHEATED on her? You, Shindou Hikaru, CHEATED?'

Ok, maybe my explanation was a little brief and not too accurate, but that didn't grant him the privilege to ruin my favorite shirt; and it's a waste of my favorite green onion ramen, too. Worst still, with my black and yellow '5' outfit and bleached bang, I already stood out in this little dingy ramen shop among all the ojisan, and Waya had just made sure that I was the center of everyone's attention.

Taking several gulps of water when he finally realized how loud he had been, Waya managed to tune his voice into a whisper: 'So, who's this girl that made you cheat – jeez, I still cant believe you ch –'

'You've already repeated that for three times now, ya know?' I said in a bored voice. 'Who d'you think I am, a saint?'

My previous confidence deflated a little as I began to wonder if it was a good idea to confess to Waya after all. If this was his reaction to the mere possibility of me cheating on my girlfriend, I shuddered to think how he would take what I was about to tell him. I quickly shook my head a little and pushed aside the renewed insecurity. He was my best friend. I didn't want to lie to him any longer.

So I waited for Waya to finish chewing his mouthful of noodles before asking in a casual tone: 'Ne, what if I tell you that I fell in love with a guy?'

I waited.

Ten seconds.

Thirty seconds.

A minute.

Then to my shock, Waya suddenly started to bang his fist on the table while shaking with laughter, his face turning into a deep shade of crimson and his eyes swelling with tears. Bewildered, I started to wonder if the piece of news was too much of a shock to him that it cracked his mind. It was embarrassing. We were once again under piercing stares that clearly labeled us 'lunatics escaped from some mental institute'.

'Shi…Shindou!' Clutching his ribs, Waya managed to spit out 'this…this is the best joke you've ever come up!' before dissolving into a fit of laughter again.

'Stop laughing, Waya! I mean it!' Annoyed by his lack of seriousness, I snapped.

No use.

'Waya!'

It seemed like he didn't even hear me.

'SHUT UP!'

Waya stopped laughing immediately.

We were both breathing heavily. I could tell from his shocked and confused expression that I must've looked really mad. But I couldn't care less. Feeling suddenly bold and reckless, I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

'Waya. I'm in love with Touya. I. Love. Touya. Is that too difficult for you to understand?'

And that did shut him up effectively.

Realizing I might have been a bit harsh with my tone, I lowered my eyes guiltily. Why was I getting mad at him? After all, if positions were reversed and Waya told me he's in love with Isumi (sorry Isumi, I was just saying) or something, I would probably have laughed the whole thing off too. It was then I realized that I wanted him to accept me. I wanted him to pat my shoulder and say it's ok. I needed reassurance. Desperately so.

'You…you're serious?' Waya whispered hoarsely after a long silence.

I nodded slowly, feeling heat creeping up my face.

'God Shindou…What the hell is wrong with you!' he let out a shaky sign. I couldn't help to steal a glance at him. Waya had covered his eyes with one hand and was rubbing his temple with his thumb.

My heart sank. Damn! I shouldn't have told him after all. What did I expect? His understanding? God I'm so naïve.

'Forget it. I shouldn't have told you that. I…' At a loss of what to say, I found myself wishing that time would turn back so I wouldn't let my stupid revelation ruin our friendship. But Waya suddenly let out another long sign:

'Does that mean I have to hang out with that arrogant jerk from now on?'

'What?'

'Face it. The two of you meet up nearly everyday now – that's more often than any couple I know! Imagine when you do start dating, I'm sure you'd be practically glued together from morning to night – what? Am I wrong?'

'You…you're ok with this?' My heart thumped. A tiny bit of hope started to creep up from the pit of my stomach.

'Course I'm not! What do you see in him anyway? If it was Isumi or someone, I would understand but for God's sake, Shindou! Nobody would fall for that jerk unless they've cracked their skull! I'd rather it be Ochi…'

'It's not that! I'm asking if you're ok with me loving a guy!'

I watched anxiously as Waya opened his mouth as if to say 'of course', but he hesitated and closed it again. He lowered his gaze and took another sip of water. 'I…to be honest, I'm a bit shocked…No, I guess a bit is kinda underestimating. It's just that you don't get to find out your friend's gay everyday, ya know? '

'I'm not gay!' words slipped from my mouth before I could stop.

'Shindou, you. Love. Touya. You. Are. Gay. Period.'

'Still that doesn't make me gay! I don't crawl over every guys I see on the street! Touya's different!'

'How's he different? …Unless you think of him as a girl because he looks like one?' An evil grin registered on Waya's face.

'Waya! It's not like that! What I mean is…I don't care if he's a guy or a girl…Hell! I don't care if he's human or whatever! He's just Touya, and that's all I want, you get it?' Exasperated, I tried to explain the kind of feelings I had, but the truth was, even I didn't really know what kind of feelings I had. It was a mixture of sweet anticipation, tense anxiety, painful longing and much much more…

'Shindou, stop day-dreaming.' Brought back to reality, I found Waya rolling his eyes. 'What I was saying was that you're my friend, so if it makes you happy then I'll bear with Touya.' He growled at the name, pulling a painful expression that made me chuckle. 'Anyways, I think I'm ok with it. It would be lying if I tell you it's no big deal, but that doesn't really change anything between us, right? I just need some time to adjust to it…Wahhh I'm rambling! But you get what I mean right?'

'Thanks, Waya.' I smiled softly.

I guess we all needed some time to adjust to new things. It was only natural to be confused at the beginning. But what really made a difference was whether to build a shield around ourselves and live in the comfortable cage or to face the unknown and deal with the confusion.

The soul of a human is weak. We repeatedly make mistakes, we repeatedly lament our losses, but we repeatedly stand up again -- with the support of those who love us and those we love.

--

TBC --つづく--

--

A/N: Yay finished! This chapter took me a long time 'coz I couldn't decide whether to let Hikaru confess to Waya first or just go straight to Akira. But then I thought Hikaru would need someone to be there for him (and I wanted Waya to play a bigger role too :D), so it turned out like this. I had a hard time writing this chapter since I'm really bad at conversations, so I hope I didn't confuse you too much. Please review and tell what you think of it!
Reference:

(1) I know that I'm in no position to define 'love' as it's such a complicated thing and I don't believe I've ever really fallen in love to know what it feels like in the first place (sadly). I took the quote:

'Regardless of whether he be a man, woman, machine, animal or plant, I love him and always will.'

from Zetsuai1989 because I really liked it and agree with it too. Wahh I should stop thinking about Zetsai, it'll just make me more depressed! (poor Isumi and Kouji TT)

(2) I know the last two paragraphs were really cliché, but I just couldn't help writing them down!

AmoreBlack and Mitsuki Ashya: Thank you! I'm really touched that people actually like my writing. You reviews really encourage me a lot. I will try to improve my writing even more, so please stick along!

AgniDragon: I like the somewhat realistic touch to it. Yeah, I'm quite proud of it too. Actually that's the main reason I wrote this fic. I just wanted to take a very realistic approach to the relationship, so when I'm writing, I often imagine what I would really do if I'm in Hikaru's position. I know I'm a girl and I'm probably straight, but I do try really hard to be convincing enough. And no character bashing, thats good too. Well, hope you'll not be disappointed by Waya in this chappie (I had a hard time grasping his character).

VKempf: I like how you portray Akari as a sensible, intelligent and intuitive girl ; it's so rare around here that I feel I have to stress it. Yeah, I always see Akari as someone who's silently watching over Hikaru in distance. Poor her…

By the way, I love your 'The Way of Go' very much, hope you'll continue with it?

Finally a big 'Thank You' to all my reviewers and readers! Hope you're enjoying this fic as much as I am writing it!