Thanks again! And also I'm sorry I'm using Swedish time; don't know if it's supposed to be am and pm really.

I don't own the characters, but I think Helen might have based Bridget on me ;P

Chapter 4 – Alone again

Monday 20 mars

weight loss not existing, boyfriends 0, life none

Why? Why do I always have to screw things up? My life was as perfect as it would ever be. Equally important question; why didn't Marc ever fight for me? Okay, I know he got me out of gaol and all but he can't live on that forever. And besides I mean these little things. I needed him to be my knight in shining armour since I'm so totally fucked-up myself. Maybe we weren't right for each other then, this might be the best thing after all…yes… Then why did it feel so wring? I can't think now…no, I need some sugar to calm down.

Am so upset I can't even eat, this has never happened to me before.

Why didn't Marc just call? Maybe we could work it all out if he only called. I'm actually thinking about calling him even though it's against all my principles. No! I can't call…I don't know what to say…

Obviously you should only marry men you didn't like. Then you wouldn't have to feel like this and still be invited to smug-married couple's dinner. Huh, never thought I would live my life after Scarlett's philosophy…

A much too shiny day at 14:00

Don't even know what day it is. Have called in sick at work, stopped answering the phone and have not left bed for more than 3 minutes a time. I'm turning into one of those tragic women you read about and swear you'll never become. But who cares really? Have nothing to live for anymore…not even the fact that I'm probably lost a lot of weight can sheer me up. Who would notice anyway?

Phone…again….won't put my hopes up that it's Marc cause I know It's not. He's also very proud, that was probably the only thing we had in common…apart from sex.

"pip"

"Bridge, I'm getting fuckin' worried…And you know I never worry." Shaz. That was true…However not enough to get me out of this bed. I should change position though, can't feel my legs anymore.

A very rainy day at 12:00

Boss called earlier, said I'm loosing my job if I don't show up soon. Strangely enough mum doesn't seem at all worried. Probably thinks I'm too busy preparing the wedding. Typical really, she's always worried about my life when everything's fine.

19:00. Someone's outside ringing the doorbell. Fine! Continue, see if I care!

Okay, it's getting annoying now; pillow won't drown out the sound. Have to get up… Better not be Jehovah's witnesses!

It was Jude, Shazzer and Tom. They did look worried really. After a glance in the mirror it didn't seem very strange though. Still got last week's makeup on, hair like Edward Scissorhands and probably smell worse than… well everything.

They gave me some liquor and made me tell them what happened. I don't think I had any tears left but I cried anyways. Have to give them some credit for sitting so close by, and it felt a little bit better after I talked about it. Mostly I think it was their comments about Marc being such a dick. Always work giving somebody else all the blame.

I went into the shower next and when I came out it was freezing. They had opened all the windows and were busy cleaning my apartment. I started to cry again. Fuck.

Monday 27 Mars

Weight 60 (yes I've bought a new scale) calories 1037, cigarettes probably 2000, alcohol units 3 (all after talking to mum)

Refuse to live like this anymore. Can forget about Marc and be my old self again. Of to work then!

Boss looked very angry at first but changed to surprised as I entered.

"You look awful! What happened?" Just the thing I needed to hear. He continued before I had time to answer; "Forget it, I don't want to hear. You miss, just get back to work! And you better do good to make me forget these days."

And I did. Well, I tried to at least. You know that thing they tell you about work makes you forget all your problems? It's a big, fat lie.

18:34. Realised I had to cancel the church and tell everybody the weddings off. There's no chance Marc'll call and make up now, wouldn't mind making him pay for it all anyways, but it'd be pretty shitty having everybody come there for nothing.

It was hard enough thinking about cancel everything that I hadn't even considered the obvious. Marc had already declined the church and probably told all those who would have been friends of the groom. I should have realised that! I guess I was still hoping it'd happen.

What no doubt was going to be worst with all this was I had to call my mum.

"Oh, hello dumpling! I was just wondering why you haven't returned my phone calls." So she had at least noticed. "Is it the cake? It better not be the cake, I've called them three times already, they just can't do anything right, can they?"

"It's not the cake, mum."

"Then what is it? I haven't got all day you know!"

"The wedding's of." I hurried to get the phone far from my ear, preparing for the upcoming shriek.

Silence. "Mum…?" Weird. She hadn't hung up cause I could hear someone moving.

"Hello?" It was dad.

"Oh, hi dad. What happened to mum?"

"I don't know what you said to her, but it must have been awful cause she fell right down on the floor. Like a tree being cut down."

"Oh." Well that's a new reaction. Would have preferred the shrieking. "Is she okay?"

"Yes, but I think I should call 911, just in case."

"Okay, bye dad." Huh, go figure.

Friday 14 April

weight 60 (but it has to be muscles, right?) calories 2007, cigarettes 6, alcohol units 0 (v.g!) trips to the gym 8 (and no, not to buy cake)…quite proud actually!

I don't know how, but I seem to live on, taking things day by day. This work thing can actually be good, I just have to be really busy. The evenings are the hardest. I've even started to go to the gym (!) to keep myself from thinking too much. And if I do – I just run extra fast or hit really hard, pretending it's myself I'm running down, punching all the stupidity out of.