Marauder:
The Epic That Immediately Failed
The saga was bound to continue… it was inevitable… Chiyo-chichi took up his battleaxe once more, and charged into the melee…
First, he had to find the chosen one. Again. The chapter had finished before he could report the mission as accomplished, and he had not "saved"… as it were… and was forced to restart from… a completely different time and place!
He found himself hovering above the queen size bed of a familiar figure, which was clutching several plush toys and crying out in defiance of its feudal lord. He "zoomed in" and discovered that it was in fact Sakaki… how he actually determined that is rather unclear, since he never knew her on a first name basis anyway – but of course, he couldn't care less about plot holes, and, the embodiment of resolve, floated onwards, into even more bizarre literary territory. He produced five horrific sound effects (somehow), and, sure enough, the slender young woman awoke from her violent slumber, in an almost inebriated, feverish daze.
"Orange… cat… Father?"
Somehow the mentally intoxicated girl mustered enough focus to articulate those words, though it was clear her eloquence had diminished… But that's what you should expect when you plague people with frightening shrieks at 1:00 AM – of course, being the "man" he is, Chiyo-chichi was unaware of this.
"Do not address me so familiarly! You may refer to me as master, or, if you'd rather use the fangirl Japanese, you can call me Mihama-sensei! Now, to your feet!"
Reluctantly, the deviant girl complied, getting awkwardly to her feet, a seemingly maniacal look in her eye. Chiyo-chichi inspected her with extreme scrutiny and almost unnecessary attention to detail – but then again, he was a mere military puppet… he was only following orders… well, at least that's what he'd like you to think.
"So! You are, ostensibly, the chosen one. Am I correct?"
"Uh… chosen… one? Not sure."
At this, the belligerent entity flailed wildly in inexplicable wrath.
"WHAT! NOT SURE! I refuse to believe I came all this way in vain… think deeply about it, come on! Do you feel that messiah complex struggling to emerge from deep in your heart? If so, you'll do for now!"
The ambivalent Sakaki stroked a chipmunk absent-mindedly whilst probing the recesses of her psyche for the solution. As any rational person would've anticipated, there was nothing. Unfortunately, Chiyo-chichi wasn't technically (or legally, for that matter) a person, and thus did not qualify – and, incidentally, neither was he even remotely rational – he was on the other end of the spectrum, off the scale.
"Hurry up!" cried the imprudent being, when abruptly the sky was torn asunder, and some kind of inverted fissure was created, linking two previously isolated realms in ways even the String Theory couldn't explain… at all. There was a five-minute guffaw, then an intimidating voice bellowed:
"This entire story has been a complete and utter waste of time, for reader and author alike! It's unamusing, uncompromising (in a bad way), and generally inconceivable! It's a joke – and no one's laughing (except Nyamo, who is on the verge of passing out)!"
But of course you already knew that.