Title: These Perfect Moments
Summary: Never in a million years did he expect to find her on his doorstep. Her, of all people. And truth be told, she never expected that it would be him she was running to.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Credit for that mess goes to AS-P and The WB.
Notes: In case you didn't already notice, I changed the title. I never liked the first one, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.
Thanks for all the reviews!!!!!!
Sorry this one took longer to get out - this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. I hope it turned out alright.
Chapter Four: Grand Canyons and Burning Bridges
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He looked amazing.
But she couldn't say that. She couldn't say anything.
So he spoke first.
"Holy shit."
..........
His outburst caught them both off guard. But, Christ, it was Rory. Rory. Never in a million years did he expect to find her on his doorstep. Her, of all people. And truth be told, she never expected that it would be him she was running to. Yet, here she was. And it was real. She was real.
It only took him a moment to compose himself, then he tried again.
"Hey." Much better.
"Hi," she said timidly, almost shyly. She took this opportunity to give the carpet a closer inspection. Was that gum? She hoped to god it was.
"So, um. Hi." His words failed him once again. He couldn't think of what to say, or how to act. Hell, he couldn't think at all. Should he invite her in? Brush her off? After all, that's what she had done to him. But she was here. She was here. That had to mean something. Okay, so he wouldn't brush her He ran his hair through his hair - nervous impulse - and looked at the ground. Was that gum?
She just stood there. Awkward. Dumbfounded. He was there. Right in front of her. She had spent so much time focusing on getting here that she hadn't put any thought into what she would say once she actually got here. She watched as she ran his hand through his hair and shifted his gaze to the ground. So he was nervous too, huh? Well, that made her feel a little better.
"Uh, you could come in, if you want," he tried, gesturing inside the apartment.
"That would be nice. Thanks," she nodded, keeping her eyes focused on the stain. Maybe it wasn't gum after all. She resisted the urge to poke it with the toe of her shoe, not only because it would be obvious, but also because she was afraid it would take on a life of it's own. Expanding, like The Blob, ready to devour them all. She fleetingly wondered if Jess had a fire extinguisher. Probably not.
He stepped aside and held the door open for her - a slightly chivalrous gesture that she wasn't used to. The apartment was small and...dingy. There was about four mattresses strewn across what she assumed was the 'living room' floor, and clothes were littered everywhere. What she could see of the kitchen area wasn't much better; sink and counter covering in plates and cups and...food.
He noticed the change in her face as she surveyed the area, and immediately kicked himself for not at least picking up, and instead sleeping in today.
"Sorry about the mess...I wasn't exactly expecting company."
"It's fine. It's...nice." She looked around the small space again, worried about cockroaches, or rats, or god knows what.
"It's crap. But thanks for lying."
"So, which one is your corner?"
"That one, over there." He motioned to the one occupied with books, of course.
"Are your roommates home?"
"Nope."
"Oh." It was an indifferent oh, and he knew she was stalling. Not that he could blame her, for he was doing the same.
"So, you want something to drink?"
"Oh, no. I'm fine."
She looked up now. Not at him, but at least she had torn her gaze away from the floor. It was a start.
"You want to sit then?" He gestured towards a set of lawn chairs surrounding a poker table. Makeshift dining room, she supposed.
"I'll stand."
"Planning on sprinting out of here?"
He immediately bit his tongue, wishing he could swallow his words. Stupid, Mariano. Very stupid. She was here, after all. This was not the time for lame jokes.
It didn't seem to phase her though. She answered with a quiet, "Maybe" that surprised him.
The next thing she did, however, startled both of them. She took a few steps forward, bridging the canyon of a gap that had formed between them in the past year. And before either of them knew what was going on, she kissed him. Full on the mouth. A deep, desperate kiss. His arms instinctively snaked around her waist, pulling her even closer, terrified that she was going to disappear out that door, out of his life, yet again. It didn't matter. Even if she did, he wanted to savor this moment. The feel of her lips on his. Of her body against his. Of her arms around him.
And, for a moment, the past year vanished. For a moment, everything between them was perfect. Everything in the world was perfect.
And again, the earth stopped turning.
But only for a moment.
They broke away, both taken aback by what she had just done. He looked at her, learning and re-learning every curve of her face. Her eyes were still closed. Whether she was reliving or regretting the moment, he wasn't sure.
"Are you going to run?" He leaned in, close to her ear, his lips brushing against her neck.
She pulled out of his grasp, and he suddenly feared that that's exactly what she was going to do. But instead of rushing towards the door, she simply took a few steps back, reopening the canyon, burning the bridge that had just been built. She was looking down again. All progress has digressed.
"Why are you here, Rory?" The question formed on his lips before he had a thought to stop them. The words came out quickly, abrasive. More abrasive than he'd intended.
"I came to see you," she faltered. "I wanted to see you."
"Really? 'Cause the last time we talked, you were pretty adamant that you didn't." He knew he sounded angry, but he wasn't sure why. He wasn't angry. Confused as hell, yes, but not angry.
"Jess, I....you took me by surprise." She took a deep breath, searching for the words. She knew what she needed to say - what she wanted to say - but she couldn't for the life of her figure out how. "And....and I couldn't leave just then."
"Why? Did you have to consult it with Mommy Dearest first?" That came out harsher than he'd anticipated. He didn't mean for it to. It just kind of spilled out. Sure, he may have thought it, but he didn't want to say it. Not to her. Not when they were this fragile. Not when he wasn't even sure they were a they.
"She doesn't know I'm here." No sharp come back? No angry outburst? A calm reply was not what he was expecting.
"Oh," he offered, not sure of what direction to take the conversation.
Luckily, she opted to continue, "No one does, actually. Well, Luke, I guess. But that's only because I had to go to him to get your address. I hope you don't mind that he gave it to me."
He felt a little better. At least now she seemed to be reverting back into Typical Rory. Rambling out of anxiety. Fearing that someone, god forbid, would be upset with her. "No, it's fine."
"Look, Jess, I have a lot to tell you. And you probably aren't going to want to hear a lot of it, but could you just listen. Please." She looked at him now. Well, most likely at some point past his head, but it was progress, yet again.
He nodded, "Okay."
"I want to be with you. I really do. Here, in New York. It just took me a little longer to realize it," she paused. "I love you, Jess. And I hope that that feeling is still reciprocated."
He exhaled, suddenly realizing he had been holding his breath. Then a smirk - no, a smile - spread across his face. "Yes, that feeling is still reciprocated."
She was still watching him intently, and he knew that she wanted more. That she needed to be absolutely sure. So he ventured on, back into uncharted territory. "What I mean is, I love you. Still. And, I want to be with you too."
She nodded. He still cared. That order of business was complete. Check it off the list. Move down to step two.
"That's good." She felt tears welling up in her eyes, dreading what had to be said next.
"Rory-" he noticed the change in her eyes, saw them cloud over with tears, but she cut him off.
"There's more. More that I need to tell you. Okay?" Her voice cracked on the last syllable, and he was suddenly very frightened. He nodded, not sure that he could trust his voice at the moment.
She started wringing her hands nervously, and had to push back the urge to start pacing the floor. Maybe they should have sat down after all. "I did something really, really stupid. But you have to understand that that's not why I'm here."
Again he nodded, the slight fear rising in his chest, "Fine."
"And you also have to know that it meant nothing. Nothing at all. The only reason I'm telling you is because...well, you should know."
The fear grew, expanding from his chest to his throat. "What is it?"
"I slept with someone." She said is slowly, making sure to enunciate every word, wanting him to grasp it the first time for fear she'd have to repeat the phrase. She didn't want to have to say it again. And she knew by the immediate change in his eyes that he didn't want to have to hear it again."Oh," he began, the words hitting him so hard, he was amazed he didn't physically stumble. "I'm not sure how that's my business-"
"It was Dean."
Silence. Complete, utter, clock-ticking, pin-dropping silence. Then he...chuckled? Yes, he was. A deep, throaty, bitter laugh.
"Of course it was."She felt like she had been slapped across the face. She also felt like she deserved it.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
He shook his head, looking away from her. "It's always Dean, Rory."
Another slap, harder, across the other cheek. She actually reached up, sure that she would feel a bruise forming. But there was nothing there except for the tears streaming down her cheeks. She hadn't even realized she had been crying. She wondered when she started.
He saw the tears begin to spill over as she flinched, reaching up to touch her cheek. He had made her cry. He had stooped as low as he possibly could. Sure, she might have cried over him before, after he left her last May, perhaps. But he never let himself believe he meant that much to her. And he'd never actually witnessed the tears stain her porcelain skin. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He wondered if he flinched too.
He wanted to apologize. But she found her voice first.
"Aren't I allowed to make mistakes? Or does that rule only apply to you?" She spatout the words, visions of their past years together racing through her mind.
"Excuse me?" He was caught of guard, yet again. Wasn't he just about to apologize?
She went on, gaining momentum, "What? So it's okay for you to show up on my doorstep and expect me to take you back, but when it's my turn to beg forgiveness, you just kick me out on my ass?"
"Hey, you kicked me out on my ass first, alright? And, if I may say so, this is a pretty big mistake Rory!"
They were both yelling now as tempers flared, each getting angrier by the second.
"So, you're going to be pissed off because I didn't save myself for you? Or is it just because it was with him?"
"Do you honestly think this has to do with the sex? God, you're so conceited sometimes."
"How so?" She was livid. How could he say that?
He gestured wildly, fuming, letting the facts of the past few moments sink in. "You aren't running to me, Rory. You aren't here because you think you made a mistake with me, or because you miss me, or because you love me. You're here because you had nowhere else to go. You're running from him."
"That's not true!" She bellowed, desperate, not even attempting to get the conversation back on course.
"Think about it. Whenever things were fucked with us, you ran to him."
"Yeah, and who's fault was that?" she interjected, suddenly regretting her decision to come here.
"Now that things are fucked with him, you're running to me."
"It's not like that."
His tone was irate, "Yes it is Rory. You've been playing head games with both of us from the start. You can't just make a decision. You overanalyze everything. You don't trust anyone, including yourself."
"It's not that I don't trust anyone Jess. It's that I could never trust you."
They fell back into silence, both of them running out of steam. He was tired. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be easy - that he knew - but it wasn't supposed to be like this.
She was still crying. God, he didn't want her to be crying. He took a step forward, gently placing his palms on either side of her face, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. She didn't pull away this time. Instead she relaxed in his hands, her voice coming out as a whisper.
"You're wrong about the other stuff. I've changed too. I made my own decision to come here. To tell you this. And I had plenty of time to analyze it, and to overanalyze it, and I had plenty of chances to turn back. But I didn't."
She placed her hands on top of his now, afraid he would pull back or take off. Funny how roles can change through the course of a few minutes.
"Why did you come here?" he asked again, just as quietly.
"I already told you-" she began, but he shook his head.
"No, you didn't. I mean, you sleep with some other guy, and then you show up on my doorstep. Why? Why me? Why now?" He said it gently, not resentful, not sarcastic.
Even so, she didn't like it. Immediately she pulled back and threw her hands in the air.
"It should have been you, damn it! Don't you get it? That's why I'm here!"
Another silence.
Another moment.
"What?" He spoke softy, trying to absorb what she had just revealed.
Feeling the need to explain her actions, to him and to herself, she began relaying the torrid story.
"I...I didn't sleep with Dean because he was Dean, or because I was in love with him. I was...it's been a bad year, and I was lonely, and he was just there. And this past week, I couldn't even think about him, or how he was married, or how disappointed my mother was. All I could think about was how it shouldn't have been him. How I did this for all the wrong reasons. All I could think about was you, and how much I missed you, and I was so disgusted with myself. Because I don't do this. I wouldn't sleep with my boyfriend, whom I'd been dating for months and whom I was in love with, but I hopped in bed with some married guy who I have absolutely no feelings for whatsoever."
"I highly doubt you hopped."
His comment didn't affect her as she continued, "God, it was the first major decision I had ever made by myself, and it was the completely wrong one. This is the second," she gestured to the apartment, "so no wonder it's turning into a disaster."
"I'm not mad at you for sleeping with him." He said it suddenly, feeling it had to be out there in the open.
"Yes you are."
"I'm not." He took another moment before continuing, "But can't you kind of see why I'm questioning your motives here? You felt guilty, and you needed somewhere to go, and we have a history-"
"No. No, that's not it."
There was determination in her voice, but he still wasn't sure.
"Are you trying to convince me or you?" His tone was still soft, softer than she'd ever heard it.
"Do you have any idea how much I've missed you this past year? Any at all?"
A new batch of tears began to flow.
He looked away.
"Lorelai made it pretty clear that you were over me."
"That's what I told her. That's what I told myself. I really tried to believe it."
"Then what? What woke you up?"
"Then you came back. I saw you. And you said that you loved me- Jess, I had that swimming around in my head for weeks. And then you came back again..."
She took a tentative step forward.
"I couldn't go with you then. I wasn't ready then." She wrapped her arms around her torso, suddenly remembering the way it felt when he was holding her minutes before, suddenly cold. "The point is, you'd been on my mind for months before the whole...Dean thing. I'm not just here because of what happened. I definitely woke me up, yes, but I'm not...I....you aren't believing a word of this, are you."
"I want to."
His gaze pierced hers, looking for any inkling of honesty, of truth.
"I love you." She choked out the words, trying to suppress a sob, not wanting to become a blubbering mess.
He nodded, "You wouldn't be here if you didn't."
She smiled.
He believed her.
He took a step forward, taking her hands in his, letting them stay limply at their sides, reveling in the fact that, yes, she was real and, yes, she loves him.
Again, the canyon began to close. A new bridge was built.
Sure, it was shaky at best, but at least it was there.
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Notes: This one was all Lit, for your reading pleasure. The next one will drift between New York and Stars Hollow again. We must be kept abreast as to what is going on there too...
I hope you liked this chapter. It was exceptionally hard to write, so I hope you all liked it. Please review to tell me how I did. Again, I've never written anything like this before, so tips and suggestions and comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks!
-In the movie, The Blob, the only way for them to stop it is to freeze it, which is where a good ol' fire extinguisher comes in. Hence the reference.
- My other fic "HTSSTLATD" has not been abandoned! It's on the back burner at the moment. I just really need to get this one off my chest first, I think.
- Do you like the new title? I'm curious 'bout your opinion on that too!