PART SEVEN
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Ch7/Souther Star. Lyrics belong to Delta Goodrem.
AMY
It is white. Too white.
Then suddenly there is colour, but it is a silent colour, one which does not speak, does not inform.
But it is a changing colour, for within it appears noise. Commotion.
I hear voices, loud, booming, frantic.
Then I blink and suddenly there is a shape that takes form in front of me.
Who is this face I see
Why is this happening to me?
There is someone over me. I can see the person but I cannot recognize him. Who is he? He starts to touch me and I freeze. This was over so long ago. Why has he come back to haunt me? There is pain, a familiar pain, everywhere, and it is engulfing me. I just want it to stop.
Out of patience
Out of balance
Out of time
I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I try to shift to attract attention but I cannot move. I am trapped. I am watching the world from inside a looking glass and I can't get out. I frantically to do something, anything but suddenly the breath catches in my throat and I can't breathe. I am suffocating, suffocating in this bewildering chaos of colour and sound.
Looking for a different space
Searching for my inner place
Then suddenly I hear it. I see it. Everything seems to freeze for one second, as the one colour, one sound, one moment in time that I have been waiting for, detaches from the commotion and suddenly I recognise. I recognise the love and caring and warmth and comfort that suddenly takes form in one person and I want to reach out and let them envelope me. Let them make it okay, let them make it all better. I want them to take my away from this place, where nothing makes sense, I want them to love me.
For a moment I can almost touch him. But I cannot. It is too far, too hard. I cannot go to him, I want him to come to me. He moves towards me and for a moment, one moment of ecstasy I feel his touch but as suddenly as I am granted this reprieve it is snatched away.
Suddenly it feels like everything is closing in. The walls, the sound, the colour, it is all rushing towards me, and they begin to interweave and I cannot tell one from the other, I cannot tell where one starts and one ends. I lose him in this horrible disarray as it all surges towards me, the rush of chaos returning.
Out of breath
Out of focus
These shapes in my mind
In my panic I try to make sense of it. I try to rationalise what is happening to me but I cannot and the more I try to think, the more scared I feel. I can't see him, I can't feel him, I want him to make it better but he's not here. He has gone. It is just me, all by myself clutching onto chaos, the only thing I have left.
Then suddenly I realise. As much as all this scares me, the noise and the colour, as much as it terrifies me, I am still scared to let it go. Because no matter how horrible it is, how painful, how awful it is still something. And I am afraid that if I let it go, there will be nothing left.
But there is something. There is him. Waiting, patient, caring and loving but until I let go, he cannot come. He is unexplored and uncertain, exactly what I need to open myself to. I have to trust that he will wait for me as I find his path. I have to take a hold of me and let go of everything else before I can go to him.
Because the one thing he cannot do is save me. I have to save myself.
Things are changing
So much arranging of my life
I must take hold
And suddenly I'm spinning. Around and around, a swift repetitive motion, and as I am swept up I seem to be leaving it all behind. The noise fades, the sound disappears, the colours curve and bend, changing to a white, a white, which amalgamates all I feel, which grows lighter and without burden and as the weight drops off the whirlpool envelops me faster and faster, more and more.
I'll keep on spinning until I find
Myself again.
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