Now that she admitted it to herself, she had been worrying about her class with Slytherin all morning, but Draco and his cronies had failed to show up. Though she felt slightly relieved, she was also peeved at his blatant disrespect. She had to remind herself to dock Slytherin's points heavily next time she saw the little punks again.
Her face fell into her hands as memories of Draco revealed themselves in her mind's eye. She knew this had nothing to do with Lucius; she was suffering a wave of nostalgia. Draco had not always been so twisted; it came from years of abuse from their father. She had always wondered about her little brother, who was only eight when she had left. She had contemplated taking Draco with her, but even at the time it had seemed ludicrous. Looking back now she felt a pang of guilt.
Had it been selfish of her to abandon Draco? Was it her fault he had turned out so? No, she mustn't blame herself. What could she have done? She had born the brunt of Lucius' abuse for Draco all his life, but she had realized that protecting him was destroying her. And that's what it boiled down to; she had chosen her own sanity over the welfare of her younger brother. Full of self loathing she gave a long sigh into her hands, trying to push the unwelcome and depressing thoughts from her head.
"Worn out already I see," Snape drawled, standing before her desk. "Perhaps you should mention to Dumbledore that you just might not be up to the task he has assigned you." Istelle had forgotten Snape was supposed to come by during lunch. How long had he been standing there?
"I think Dumbledore is quite competent in his assignment of this post, Severus." Istelle replied, finally removing her hands from her face and not even attempting to mask the contempt in her voice. "I also think that is quite obvious, seeing as how he has never appointed you." It was a low blow, she knew, but she did not care at the moment. If he was allowed to be a jerk to her, why should she play nice?
Because he's your only hope to keep Lucius out of your mind, replied a voice in the back of her head. Looking up at Snape's face, she suddenly worried he might refuse to teach her Occlumency. His normally pale face was blotched with red; he seemed to be almost shaking with anger. Despite his rather frightening outward appearance his voice was deathly calm. "Stand up, now." He ordered, and despite what her instincts were screaming she did as he said, not wanting to push him any farther. "Stand, right here in front of me." He snarled again, this time pointing to a spot only a foot in front of him. Moving swiftly from her position behind her desk, she stood exactly where he had pointed, and found herself rather close to Snape. It was almost disconcerting. He had a powerful presence, not completely because of his obvious fury.
She tilted her head back to look him in the eyes; she had never noticed how tall he was. He held his wand out in front of him, and Istelle pulled her own wand from the pockets of her robe to mimic him. "When you feel me in your mind, expel."
Before Istelle could protest that the directions were not nearly sufficient, the classroom dissolved and memories were flashing before her eyes. He shuffled through her mind, never resting but for a few seconds in each memory. Quick glimpses of her little brother on a small broom, riding around in circles; her mother with a true smile in her face, a feat not many believed she was capable of; her father, his gaze hard and almost frightening. The memories stopped flowing almost as suddenly as they had begun, and Istelle realized she was leaning back on her desk, panting.
"You did not even attempt to rid your mind of me." Snape arched a single eyebrow, his expression so mocking Istelle suddenly felt the urge to strike him. "Why?"
"Perhaps you could have informed me a little more. I don't think telling me to 'expel' describes just how off putting the whole matter is." Istelle straightened her slim fitting purple robes while she tried to take hold of her anger.
"There is no way to explain to you how to do it. You must learn to do it by yourself."
Without further ado Snape once again pointed his wand at Istelle, and this time she heard him say "Legilimens!" The flow of memories wasn't so shocking now, and she was able to actually gain control as Snape flitted through still images of her friends from her time spent at Hogwarts. The classroom began to appear through a picture of a beautiful young girl with dark brown hair that Istelle vaguely remembered, the effect was much like viewing Snape and the wall behind him through a complex stained glass window. Istelle felt the image waver, threatening to be replaced by another image of memory. Instinctively, she fought, pushing back with a strange mental force. The more she tried to gain control of her mind the more clear the image of the room became. With a final thrust the image, that had become nothing more than a tint, dissolved and she was staring at a rather pale and panting Snape.
"Very good." Snape muttered, sounding rather put out, but impressed, despite himself. "Though I was able to do some searching. Try harder."
Again, the dizzying appearance of memories whirling in her mind. Istelle tried to concentrate, but her efforts to dam the memories were like trying to block a wave with a stick. Her body began to tense, her muscles clenching so tight they began to ache. A memory of a large dining room halted in front of her eyes, a young girl sitting, with her legs dangling, on a chair opposite a rather younger Lucius. Lucius was digging into her mind, his cold blue eyes and his daunting wand focused on a six year old her. Envisioning the pink tennis shoes she had been wearing, pumping back and forth, Istelle managed to gather enough strength to force Snape from her mind again.
"What was that?" Her vision had cleared to reveal the classroom, with Snape staring down his hooked nose at her. "Why was Lucius accessing your mind when you were so young?"
"I had seen something, a door had been left open and I had peeked in." Istelle replied automatically, her eyes glazing slightly as she thought back on the warm summer afternoon that ran chills down her back. "I didn't want to tell daddy what I had seen because I knew he would beat me for eavesdropping."
"What had you seen?" Snape's voice was cautious; Istelle might have thought he was worried if she hadn't known he was much too black hearted to worry.
"He had been talking to some one; they were looking for some one. I didn't hear much, I accidentally pushed the door open a bit and it creaked." Istelle shrugged, trying to act casual even though the thought of the evening was making her heart slam against her breast bone.
"Well then, I will end our session now. I can only suggest that you try to clear your mind before you sleep. Perhaps you will learn from Potter's mistake, and do so." Snape turned around, his robes billowing in a rather dramatic fashion and exiting Istelle's classroom just before the lunch bell rang loudly in the hall.
Returning to her chair behind her desk and sinking into it, Istelle once again placed her hands in her face. Would she always live like this? Assailed by memories that haunted her waking hours and woke her in a cold sweat with tears streaming down her face?
She was no stronger now than she had been as that six year old girl, terrified of her father and all that he could do.
When she was young she could delude herself, believe that Lucius was a father who cared for her. But she now doubted that Lucius cared for anything.
Except her mother. She seemed to be the only thing that Lucius ever paid any mind to. Even his own children were a constant disappointment. An extension of himself that constantly shamed him.
I'm like a crippled leg to him, Istelle thought with cynical humor. Something he admitted was apart of him, but that would only ever incur anger and frustration. He could try to work with her, try to mold her into something he would approve of, but she was unyielding. Unwilling even.
Just like a crippled leg.