Ashuri: yes, the next chapter, chapter before the end I believe...heh, anyway, you must like this pairing holiebean, you must (waves fingers in a I'm going to control you type way) heh heh. Yeah, SaturnMax, you where right. Ren got traumatized.
On an important matter, as I said earlier, I was dared to do a sequel, and someone second that notion. So...depending if others want a sequel, I'll do one. But I don't know on what, maybe something on them getting married or something I have no idea. So if you want a sequel, tell me what you want it on. Now cue the disclaimer.
Hao jerks away: she...doesn't own sha..man king.
Chapter sixteen: How to prove?
Ren must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing he knew, was he was waking up in his room shivering, his head feeling like it was going to split open, and he felt completely miserable. And the fact that he didn't know how he got to his room didn't help either.
"It still amazes me at how much you talk in your sleep when your having a nightmare," said a voice to his right.
He turned his head and spotted Horo, he looked slightly pissed, but was smiling none the less. "What did I say now?" Ren asked hoarsely.
"Just stuff," replied Horo coming closer. "Now, what do you think you were doing falling asleep in the rain!?"
Ren opened his mouth to speak, but found it hard to do so, so he settled on shrugging.
"You were out there for five hours. I thought that maybe you had gone for a walk, because you were gone so long, or something, and I was going to look for you, but when I opened the door, there you were," Horo said.
Ren thought it was remarkably stupid of himself to fall asleep, especially when he hadn't been that tired. Maybe despair had caused his tiredness. He didn't even remember falling asleep. His head gave an unhappy twinge which caused him to grimace.
"I think that maybe you got sick. I mean you were in the rain for five hours, sleeping for six, and I couldn't properly dry you off without taking your cloths off, so I decided against that, which means you'll have to change," Horo said rambling on. "Or you might just have a fever."
Ren thought this through, did that time frame give enough allowance for sickness to kick in?
Horo produced a thermometer. Ren tried to back away from it. He didn't like thermometer's. "Come on Ren. I have to see if your sick."
Ren shook his head violently, which caused his head to hurt a lot.
"Your not going to suffer from the thermometer. It's harmless," Horo said.
Ren opened his mouth to say something and Horo took that opportunity to stick the thermometer in his mouth. Ren shot him a grumpy look. Stupid thermometer.
Horo wandered away into the bathroom, while Ren laid there not enjoying himself. When Horo returned, he held a damp cloth in his hands and he placed it on Ren's head. It was comforting. Horo then took the thermometer out of his mouth. "You have a fever."
Ren groaned. No, he didn't want to be sick. Horo went back to the bathroom and returned with medicine. "Are you going to be stubborn in taking medicine too?"
"No," Ren said so hoarsely that it hurt. I'm not you. He thought, remembering when Horo had been sick and how stubborn he had been in taking medicine.
"Ok, good," he poured some onto a spoon and gave it to Ren who wanted to gag. The medicine bottle was placed on the bedside table and Ren eyed it, wishing it would blow up and there would be no more of it. Horo also went and got some cloths for Ren to change into and waited for him to get dressed, so he could the damp cloths down to the washing machine.
"You should rest now," Horo said turning to leave. Ren made some violent noise which caused Horo to look at him. Ren blushed slightly and hid his face under the blankets. "Ok." He heard Horo cross the room and then go downstairs. Ren removed the blanket to find the only light in the room came from the hall.
The complete darkness reminded him of his miserable feeling and why he felt so miserable. Tons of negative emotions against himself surfaced, and he had a very hard time battling them and resting like Horo instructed, and so when Horo came back so many hours later with soup, which Ren was very reluctant in eating, he looked even worse then he had when Horo had administered his medicine.
"Are you ok?" Horo asked concerned.
Ren wanted to yell and throw himself at him, but both feats were impossible at the present time, so he shook his head no.
"Maybe you'll feel better after you eat and have more medicine."
Ren rolled his eyes, even though it made his head throb. Horo was really dense.
Horo helped Ren sit up and sat there making sure Ren ate all the soup, which didn't taste that bad considering his reluctance to eat it. After that Horo gave him more disgusting medicine. Ren was still wishing it would blow up , but it hadn't yet, much to his disappointment. Horo left him alone again to rest, and again the negative emotions attacked him and lowered his usually high opinion of himself. He didn't sleep very well and the next morning it was made apparent to Horo, by the look on his face.
"Are you not sleeping well?" he asked, pushing Ren's hair off to the side to see how warm he was.
Ren nodded.
"Why?"
Ren wanted to say why, but his throat hurt.
"Do you have any sleeping pills?" Horo asked.
Ren sighed in exasperation, leaned over and grabbed his medicine bottle. He showed the instructions to Horo. Horo's lips formed. "Do not take with other medications that are used to produce narcosis."
"Oh," he said out loud. "Well I don't know what to do about you not sleeping." Horo sat on the edge of the bed to think and Ren, well Ren just leaned over and placed his head in Horo's lap, not remotely caring if Horo was mad at him.
Horo laced his fingers through Ren's hair. "I'm not mad at you, Ren," he said as though reading Ren's mind. "I understand completely. It just took me a while to figure out why you wouldn't want to be touched."
I wish I could forget it as easily as you. Ren thought. But he had forgotten it, at least up until the time Horo tried touching him in a way that didn't include kissing and hugging. He had been bent on forgetting all about his brief spell in D.I.M.I. and those bastards, but all it took was a touch from Horo and those memories came flooding back, and they were ten times worse then anything Horo had done to him in the past. And that included attempted sex.
"I'm sorry," Ren said hoarsely, feeling very stupid and wishing he could apologize better, but his throat prevented this.
"It's ok. It's my fault," Horo said.
Ren shook his head. How could it be his fault? How was Horo supposed to know how Ren would react? How was Ren supposed to know how he would react?
"I should have doubled and triple checked to make sure everything was alright, before I did anything," Horo said solemnly.
But everything had been ok at the time, and then it had gone downhill, and Ren was beyond angry at himself for acting like a traumatized child, though he had only felt traumatized for the first day or so and then it was back to kill the bastards, and he didn't act like a child at all, so what had happened?
"Maybe trauma takes time to sink in?" Horo suggested.
Ren shrugged. He didn't know.
"Maybe we should call that doctor of yours and ask. She seems to have an answer to everything."
Ren shook his head no, and half expected the phone to ring, but it didn't. "Oh ok."
Ren was tired of relying on people for help, he was tired of being helpless, he wanted his old self back his old life back, the only difference would be Horo, his new involvement in his life was something he couldn't go back to not having, which still surprised him, in a way.
Ren sighed and Horo began to stroke his hair absent mindedly. It was a little weird, Ren had concluded but, it calmed him and eventually lulled him to sleep. When he woke up he was still in Horo's lap and Horo was dozing against the bed frame, mouth slightly agape. Ren sat up and gently shook him.
"Horo," he said quietly.
Horo jerked and groggily said, "Huh, what's happening?"
"Nothing's happening," said Ren softly.
"Oh, ok. I'm going back to sleep then." He closed his eyes and Ren sighed.
He shook him again. "Horo."
"What?"
"I'm hungry," He could tell that Horo was tempted to say make it yourself, but he slowly got up and went to make, soup. "Thank you." Ren said when Horo came back.
"Ahuh," Horo yawned and laid down on the bed while Ren ate. When Ren had finished he found that Horo had fallen asleep again. Ren smiled. He may not have been as sick as Horo had been, but taking care of someone was hard work.
He placed the bowl on the bedside table and threw the blankets over Horo, then slowly went to turn off the light. Climbing back into bed he snuggled close, but not too close, to Horo, hoping that he would have a better nights sleep then before, and when he had awoken it was pretty clear that he had. He also didn't feel as sick anymore. It was amazing what a good night's sleep could do.
Ren looked down at Horo. He was still sleeping. Ren couldn't help but think that maybe Horo would have a little more sympathy for him after this. He climbed out of bed, took his disgusting medicine and went do to the living room, still finding it as spotless as ever. The kitchen was another matter. It looked like a small tornado had hit it.
Ren sighed. Thanks Horo. Whether or not Horo had been planning on cleaning up his mess, Ren never found out because he set about cleaning it up himself. Which he shouldn't have really done because he was supposed to be resting, but there was something relaxing about cleaning and he didn't like messes.
As he was wiping down the kitchen table he saw Horo enter the room out of the corner of his eye. He still looked half asleep. "Ren." he said. "Your supposed to be resting."
"I was resting and besides I can't leave my kitchen looking like a tornado hit it, now can I?" Ren replied feeling a weak twinge in his head. "Besides I fell fine."
"You say that now, but what about later?"
"I'll still feel fine?" Ren answered questioningly, depositing the cloth in the sink.
"We'll see," Horo said putting yesterdays soup dish on the counter. He sighed. "Taking care of someone is hard work."
Ren nodded. "Ahmm."
"I'm so sorry. I'm such a burden."
"You mean you were such a burden," Ren said.
"Yeah."
Ren smiled and shook his head. Horo could be very dense at times.
"You know, while I was sleeping, I remembered something."
"What's that?"
"When you were at D.I.M.I. and I...lost...you called me your boyfriend."
Ren flushed slightly. He remembered that too. True be told, at the time, he had said it out of anger and without thinking. Now...
"Would you still say that Ren?" asked Horo, who was probably thinking along the same lines as him.
Ren was on the verge of saying no, because it was too embarrassing to say, in public or not, but his mouth ran away with him again and he said, "Yes."
Horo smiled as Ren covered his mouth with his fist and turned his head slightly. "Ok."
"Why did you need to ask that? And why did it take so long for you to remember?" Ren asked.
"Cause I have a poor memory, and I was just checking."
"Do you need to check?"
"Yes. I do."
"Why?"
"Because its you," Horo said turning to go and answer the now ringing phone.
Ren looked at the floor. Yes because it was him. Everything was done because him, because he was an emotionally retarded person.
Damn. Why? Why did he have to be? He could royally screw up his life, if he didn't get what emotions he had in check, and stopped ruining every nice movement he had with Horo. His eyes looked upward toward the living room where Horo was, currently gabbing away on the telephone. How did he put up with him and his constant negativity and anger issues? How did he put up with him period? Ren figured that if he was Horo, he wouldn't have been able to put up with himself, and would have left long ago, and was glad that Horo stayed with him, regardless of his negativity and anger issues.
He looked down at the floor again, trying to think of ways to prove to Horo, that he did feel what Horo did, though it had taken him a long time, a very long time, to figure it out. He wanted to show Horo he cared, somehow, somehow without being mushy. He knew that if he just said those three little words, Horo wouldn't doubt his feelings anymore, but he couldn't even think those words let alone say them.
He heard Horo hang up the phone and reenter the kitchen. "Well that little annoying Bugger sister of mine, has decided to go back home," he said.
"Oh well that's good," Ren mumbled, still lots in his thoughts.
"It's such a relief. Now I can't be bothered by her."
Ren nodded slightly.
"Life is good," Horo said happily, smiling and stretching.
No. Life was not good. Ren was an emotionally retarded person and couldn't convey his feelings to the one who loved him. And right now, even though Prika leaving made him happy, he didn't even really care. He hammered on his head a couple times, which he shouldn't have done, cause it hurt, and started muttering angrily to himself.
"Hey, are you ok?" Horo asked concerned.
"No. I'm bloody furious with myself!" Ren said.
"Why?"
Ren growled and bit back an evil retort, then as calmly as possible, said. "Because...I'm unable to prove my feelings for you."
Horo looked at the floor, then up at Ren, and then down again. He didn't say anything. Ren looked at him and then looked away. He was then filled up with an emotion of over whelming sadness. Why did he have to be this way? Why couldn't he forget everything and move on?
His sadness must have shown on his face because Horo crossed the room and embraced him in a hug. Ren flinched slightly, but didn't pull away, he needed to stop being traumatized, and act normal. He leaned backward a little bit, enveloped in Horo's embrace.
"You can one day," Horo whispered. "I know you can."
Ren's shoulders shook violently, feeling that Horo's patience with him was immaculate.
"Even if it takes forever, I will still love you."
Ren's shoulders shook again as he struggled to repress his unhappy emotions that had surfaced due to his lack of ability to prove his feelings, his traumatized feeling and the sadness that lined Horo's words underneath the love.
In an effort to not feel traumatized, Ren whirled around and threw his arms around Horo's waist holding him close. "I'm so sorry," Ren said. "I'm so sorry that I can't be a better person. You deserve better."
He truly felt that at that moment. All the negative feelings that he had been experiencing, had basically told him that he was undeserving of Horo, and that was one of the reason he didn't want Horo to touch him, among other things.
Horo held him tight. "I don't want any one else," he said softly. "I want you."
Ren was on the verge of breaking down completely. Even though he wanted to hear Horo say this, he also didn't want him to say it cause it hurt. It hurt so much that he felt that if having emotions like this hurt then he wanted to be rid of them. But he couldn't. He was human. It was human nature to feel this. And in saying that, he didn't want to be human. But that was something he couldn't change.
"I will always want you."
Ren closed his eyes and tried to close down certain emotions while leaving some open, which didn't work to well. Ren pulled Horo as close as he could, fighting certain impulses that came natural to contact, which he had started to feel, before he started acting like a traumatized child.
"Thank you," Ren whispered. It was all he could say. That and nothing more. He was glad and slightly relived that Horo would wait for him, that Horo would always want and need him.
And even though he knew this, he still remembered the time when Horo and him were just friends, and how he just wanted to hurt Horo when he found that Horo had loved him, possibly always loved him. Now, he couldn't bare not having Horo around him at all. Even a day or so apart drove him crazy, and yet he also felt that he needed to distance himself from everyone else, and sometimes Horo. And he didn't know why.
Ren didn't remember much after that. Exhaustion finally caught up with him and he ended up falling asleep in Horo's arms and woke up in his bedroom, with a note on the bedside table, stating that Horo had gone out for a while and a reminder to take his medicine. Which he did. He still felt miserable but a little better then before yesterdays conversation. He got dressed, in Horo's clothes no doubt, maybe this was his way to feel connected to Horo when they were apart, and went downstairs.
He wasn't hungry so he walked past the kitchen and straight into the living room. Sitting on the couch he saw a small pile of books on the floor, borrowed from the local library, which he hadn't noticed yesterday. Curious, he picked up the top book. The title was Love vs. Insanity. Intrigued he flipped open the book and scanned the first page. It read.
Studies have shown that mental scans of a person in love, show a striking resemblance to those with a mental illness. Love creates activity in the same area of the brain that hunger, thirst and drug cravings create activity in. New love, therefore could possibly be more physical then emotional. Drawing a clear line between physical and emotional when it comes to discussing the brain.
Over this time, the reaction to love mellows, and different area's of the brain are activated, primary ones, involving long term commitments. It has been suggested that this reaction to love is so similar to that of drugs because without love, humanity, would cease to exist.
Ren closed the book slowly. Here was the answer to all his problems. Love had turned him insane. It wasn't Horo's fault, it wasn't even the rabbit's fault, it was love. Wait...he didn't even know if he had been in love when he was diagnosed insane. He clicked his tongue and placed the book on the table, thinking, which he seemed to be doing a lot of lately and it was hurting his brain.
Basically as he saw it, love was confusing, and due to his up bringing and everything else that had happened in his life, not even all the books in the world could help him understand and work through all his emotions and current situation. He sighed and looked at the pile of books again. Another title caught his eye. Trauma. He didn't need to think twice before picking it up.
Post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, is the most common diagnostic category to describe symptoms arising from emotionally traumatic experiences. This disorder presumes that the person experienced a traumatic event, involving actual or threatened death or injury to themselves or others, and where they felt fear, helplessness, or horror. Three additional symptom clusters, if they persist for more then a month after the traumatic event and cause clinically significant distress or impairment, make up the diagnostic criteria.
The three main symptom clusters in PTSD are Intrusions, such as flashbacks, or nightmares where the traumatic event is re-experienced. Avoidance, when the person tries to reduce exposure to people or things that might bring on their intrusive symptoms. And Hyper arousal, meaning the physiological signs of increased arousal, such as hyper vigilance or increased startle response. If the traumatic event occurred recently, then an individual might suffer from acute stress disorder, which involves symptoms similar to PTSD, but without the one month duration requirement.
Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD. It is when many symptoms persist for many weeks or months, or when they are extreme, that professional help may be indicated. On the other hand, if symptoms persist for several months without treatment, then avoidance can become the best available method to cope with the trauma and this strategy interferers with seeking professional help. Postponing needed intervention for a year or more and allowing avoidance defenses to develop, could make this work much more difficult.
While PTSD is the prototypical traumatic disorder some people, or some stressors, present variations on this theme. Depression, anxiety, and disassociation are three other disorders that may sometimes aries with traumatic experiences.
Ren closed the book and stared at it. He didn't think he had PTSD, but he was experiencing some of the other disorders, like disassociation, and slight depression, but as the book said, it was normal for those who had experienced traumatic events to feel those. He placed the book on the table and leaned back against the couch sighing and turned his head sharply when the door opened and Horo stepped in.
"Aw your awake," he said closing the door and walking towards the couch.
Ren nodded. "Horo, why do you have these?" he asked indicating the books.
Horo clasped his hands together and leaned against the couch. "I was trying to help you. And I thought that maybe if I understood what you were going through I could help."
"So you think I'm insane and have a disorder?" Ren questioned.
"Ren, everyone who knows you went to D.I.M.I. know's your insane, but I don't think you have a disorder. "
Ren looked at him. "Really?"
"Yeah, I just think your unsure about a lot of things and are remembering things you would rather forget, which are casuing you to experience disorder like symptoms," Horo explained. Ren smiled at him and chuckled. "What?"
"You sound like a doctor," Ren said.
"Really?" Horo asked smiling himself.
"Yeah, if I didn't know you had gotten that information from a book, and didn't know you, I would naturally think you were a doctor."
Horo chuckled as well.
"Thanks Horo," Ren said.
"No problem. Now I'm going to make lunch." Horo hesitated for a moment, before placing a kiss on Ren's cheek, and heading toward the kitchen.
Ren's eyes followed him and he was stuck by a sudden thought. Horo, really was a wonderful person, and he was really thankful that Horo was...his... And for it to remain that way, he was going to prove his feelings for Horo no matter what, even if it killed him.
Ashuri: well that was the end of chapter 16. Ren's gotten pretty determined, so we'll see how it unfolds in the next chapter. There was a lot of referance to disorders and love and stuff in here, trying to get Ren to see the bigger picture, and where he was situated in that.
wiki/Loveplease review, and I hope you enjoyed it.