One Too Many Planets Part 4
He felt different. Turning onto his side, he realized almost immediately that the debilitating pain he had lived with for the past three days was gone. Hurriedly, he sat up staring at his naked side devoid now of even a scratch. What had happened to that deep, ugly wound? Amazed, he ran his fingers over the unblemished skin, not quite believing his eyes.
"It's true."
He spun around on his makeshift bed to find Sam sitting cross-legged eating something which resembled porridge. He tried not to look at the stuff; it was beginning to make him feel like throwing up.
"How…? When did…? What…?"
Sam smiled in understanding, putting aside her nourishment, much to Jack's relief, explaining, "Ragnar's twin did what Ragnar said she could do."
"Pity she didn't turn up earlier."
Sam's smile faltered and her eyes didn't leave him as she watched him do a sweep of the cave until his gaze alighted on his clothes. He stood, careful to ensure the blanket covered him, and walked self-consciously over to them.
He felt their dampness but preferred them to his present attire. He pointed to one of the tunnels offering some privacy, but as he walked barefoot, Sam spoke softly.
"You've no need to be shy on my account."
Jack stopped in his tracks, frowning deeply, not turning to face Sam.
"Meaning, Carter?" he demanded acerbically.
Sam quickly hid her smile but couldn't quite manage to conceal the amusement in her voice.
"Nothing, Sir." She dropped her gaze and continued eating.
When he reappeared, he looked guarded and returned to where his clothes had been drying.
"Looking for something, Sir?" Sam kept her tone neutral.
"And if I am?" Jack's voice was quite the opposite.
"You won't find it, Sir." Her eyes met his, gentle in their understanding. "I've been over everything with a fine-tooth comb – there are no more leaves." Putting aside the food, she rose to her feet. "Intwenty-four hours you'll be over this," she uttered encouragingly, "but you have to fight it!"
"Oh, so you've experience of this, have you, Captain?" His voice had hardened as his eyes blazed with anger and something else Sam had never seen before – despair.
Refusing to look away she murmured softly, "Yes, in a way. When Mark was at college he got sucked in, but he went into rehab."
Jack's eyes, which had radiated rage, suddenly showed his vulnerability.
"I…I don't know whether I can go through this again."
Sam's eyes widened, astonished at what he was alluding to, wondering how and when her CO could ever have been an addict and still be in the U.S.A.F.
Suddenly Jack turned away, his features contorted for a second before he clamped down on his discomfort and moved back to his bed, kneeling down, his arms locked tightly across his midriff.
"I don't want you here."
He spoke so softly Sam wondered for a second whether she had heard him correctly.
"Sir?" She moved a step closer and halted as his voice grew in tempo.
"I have to do this alone."
"I don't think so." And remembering with whom she was speaking, "Sir."
Tortured eyes rose to hers and what she saw made her long to reach out and hold Jack, but discipline kept her still.
"You'll do as I order, Captain." His voice wavered. "Please…." His appeal nearly undid her. "For crying out loud, Captain, leave me some dignity."
Tears threatened, pricking at her painfully dry eyes. Holding on to the mask that hid her crumbling emotions, she reached a tentative hand out but allowed it to fall away before it could touch him.
"There's no other man I respect more, Sir."
"Is that all?"
For a moment, Sam was totally at a loss and wondered if her face was as flushed as she felt it to be. She locked eyes with him but all she could see was a wry expression on his exhausted face.
"I was joking, Carter."
She smiled tentatively, still ruffled by her own thoughts yet also relieved. The dry humour of the Colonel was what she was used to and which she was usually quick to appreciate. Only this time, this time she felt as if there was something hidden in his question, something she was unwilling to analyze right now.
"Let me do this my way, Sam," his words brought her back to the problem and it was one she didn't like at all.
Her eyes oozed sympathy and apology, both anathemas to her CO. "Sir, I…I think you'll need some support."
Snorting softly, Jack gave a wan smile. "I'm aware of what you're trying not to spell out for me, Carter, but you can spare me the sugar-coated version. I've more than a fair idea of what to expect – I know it isn't going to be pretty."
The shivering had already begun and instantly Sam was there, stooping to wrap more blankets around his shoulders.
"Will you get the hell out of here now……please?"
This time, when he looked into her eyes, she didn't have it in her to refuse.
Quickly, she arranged for water to be within arm's reach, together with food and even more blankets.
"I'll be back in twelve hours," and seeing the protest about to be fired at her, continued in a firmer voice, "and that's my final offer – it's not open to discussion, sir."
Eyes red rimmed and running, Jack looked at her despondently and nodded reluctantly. Taking her pack, Sam threw him one last look, clearly unhappy with the situation, and left him alone with his nightmares.
She wandered the cavernous tunnels, making clear marks when a route divided – she had no wish to be lost in this myriad of passageways. Yet her mind was only on one thing and one thing alone. She chastised herself for not thinking of the larger issue, of getting back to the Stargate and home, but these past few days had allowed her no other choice.
She willed herself to continue her exploration aware that Jack would demand no less of her when he was over his present sickness.
Her mind began to race as she thought of him back there, alone, fighting his inner devils. She knew those demons which would be attacking him – she had seen the appalling consequences in her brother, Mark, and quailed visibly at the thought of what her CO was going through.
She rechecked her watch for what must have been the hundredth time, silently cursing that there were still many hours to go before she could return. She would find a spot and try to rest, to will the hours away to the point when she could be back with her stubborn Colonel.
He was huddled in a foetal position, completely covered by blankets, when she at last returned. His body rocked in erratic movements but no sound emanated from beneath the covers.
Quietly she knelt beside him, calling his name softly as she laid a gentle hand on his form.
He jerked at her touch, a harsh breathing sound escaping before her hand was shaken off and the rocking was resumed. Sam's eyes swept over the provisions she had left noting that some of the water had been consumed but none of the food.
"Leave." His voice sounded flat, devoid of any emotion.
She made to move the covers but Jack held on tightly, his voice a sudden whiplash. "No!"
Sam murmured, "It's been twelve hours, Sir, just let me---."
"Get the f-ck away!" he spat through gritted teeth, every word an effort. "I…don't…want…you…here!"
Sam could hear his strained and tortuous breathing and looked wildly around, wondering how she could ease his suffering. If only Ragnar were here. That was it! Ragnar! She would help her to ease his pain.
"Sir, I can't stand by like this, I'm going to try and bring Ragnar back."
A hand shot out from beneath the blankets, grabbing her wrist, making her wince.
"Negative. Do…I…make…myself…clear?"
The blankets dropped away and Sam almost gasped aloud at Jack's ravaged looks. His eyes were wild, bloodshot and deeply sunken above hollow cheeks. He was sweating profusely yet wracked by shivering spasms, his sodden uniform clinging to him.
Tentatively, Sam reached out with her free hand but Jack drew away releasing her and just as quickly fumbled to draw the blankets over himself again.
"I…have…to do this…without…Ragnar's or the Shaman's help."
"Does that include me?" Sam spoke more sharply than she intended, her face taut with strain until he groaned and Sam dropped to her knees her hands brushing the hair from his brow.
Pain-filled eyes looked up at her. "What have I done to deserve you?"
The sarcasm was still evident but Sam found it difficult to raise a smile.
Slowly, with obvious difficulty, Jack threw off the covers and sat up though the effort cost him dearly.
"I'm going." She stood and received 'the look' albeit through bloodshot eyes.
"You'll stay." His voice was low and weak but it still managed to convey authority.
"But you said---."
"Carter, I don't…have…the energy…to argue so…shut up!"
As the debilitating cramps began to return, Jack wrapped his arms around his midriff and resumed his rocking back and forth, back and forth, whilst perspiration dripped down his body.
For a while Sam remained still, afraid any movement from her would detract from her CO's concentration in fighting the pain, but when the projectile vomiting began, she could stay still no longer.
Grabbing an empty bowl, she held it close to his head whilst supporting his burning forehead with her other hand, all the while whispering gentle words of encouragement.
Between attacks, Jack attempted unsuccessfully to make her go, revolted by his own weakness, hating that she should be a spectator. "Leave me," he gasped before another bout of dry retching hit him, rendering him incapable of any more speech.
Sam ignored his demands, evaded his futile attempts to push her away and continued to hold the bowl and support him, and when it was over and Jack lay back totally exhausted, she removed the fouled blankets, wiped his face and neck and settled his head on her lap, stroking his forehead until he fell into a fitful sleep.
His dreams, troubled and intense, had him crying out a number of times, names Sam was unfamiliar with until she heard his cry for "Charlie!" It was a heart rending sound of pure agony that Sam found herself praying she would never hear again. The rawness of it seared her soul and as she bent to wipe away the sweat, mucous and tears he came awake with a cry, attempting to sit up until she calmed him, holding his shoulders down.
"Easy, Colonel. It was just a bad dream."
For a mad moment his glazed eyes did not see her and she struggled to hold him until, suddenly, sanity reasserted itself and he allowed his rigid body to relax, covering his eyes and most of his face with an arm.
"How……how long have I been out?" His voice was dry and sore and he gratefully accepted the water his 2IC offered.
"Four hours almost."
He had not failed to notice the blankets hanging up, washed, but his nose still wrinkled in disgust.
Crap. "I reek of puke!"
"It's not so bad," she smiled disarmingly.
Hidden behind his arm he muttered, "You're fooling no one, Carter…. I need to wash."
"If you're up to a short walk, Sir, I can take you to a place."
Jack lowered his arm, staring at her suspiciously but the odour in his nostrils had him nodding in acceptance.
He had thought they would go to the cave of the waterfall where the Shaman had done part of his healing but when they entered a larger cavernous structure revealing a pool, Sam turned to Jack, her eyes alight with a combination of excitement and hope.
"I found this place late yesterday when you wanted me out of your way." Her voice couldn't conceal her delight. "I thought the waterfall was wonderful, but this……."
She dropped the clean blankets on the floor, safely away from the water's edge and turned to Jack.
"Can I help?"
He was already shrugging off his sour-smelling shirt, but paused giving her a withering look.
"What is it with this planet?" He snapped in a temper. "Every woman I've met has had to get me out of my clothes!"
Ducking her head to hide her amusement, Sam coloured hotly at her CO's next acidic words. "Is there something funny I've missed, Captain?" And deciding silence was the better part of valour, turned her back on him after innocently shaking her head in reply.
She had been waiting for the sound of him entering the water so she could turn around but nothing seemed to be happening and she frowned, worried that he may be feeling too ill to cope.
"Sir, are you alright?"
"I will be when you're in there, Carter."
She turned to face him, her alarm evident. "Me?" she squeaked, feeling her face going red yet again.
"What's good for the goose, Captain……?"
"But, sir---."
"Would you like some help, Captain?"
Sam's eyes shot up to Jack's but his face, half in shadow even with the lighted lamps, revealed nothing so she was unsure whether he was being mildly sarcastic or not. Was there a hint of the flirtatious? She shook her head considering herself foolish, and yet….
Moving from one foot to the other in her discomfort, Sam stammered, "I…I can't."
Feeling like something his stomach had only recently been expelling, Jack was in no mood for coyness. "For crying out loud, Carter, get in the damned water!"
Sam's reluctance was not helped by the fact that she simply couldn't explain what the waters did for women who weren't ill. The Shaman had enthused about the potency of the water but Sam knew that if she so much as mentioned that aspect, her CO wouldn't go anywhere near it not to mention drink it. She wondered ruefully if partial truth might just work.
"Sir, the water must only be used by the sick and needy." There, that covered it all.
"Oh, come on Captain, don't tell me you believe in that rubbish."
"It's not rubbish!" she protested hotly.
"Okay, okay," Jack was willing to appease her, "that's fine by me. Let's go."
Sam's appalled face fixed on his back as he began to retrace his steps.
"Colonel, you've got to go in!" she appealed.
"Got to?" Jack's eyebrows arched letting Sam know just what he thought of a lowly captain trying to give orders to a colonel.
Her defiance was steamrollered when she realized that the only way to get him in to the healing waters was to….
"I don't think this is a good idea, Sir." Yet cautiously, she began to unfasten her jacket, her movements as slow as possible in the faint hope that Jack just might tire of waiting and go in the pool. He didn't. And with a sinking of her spirits, Sam stepped out of her trousers. She was about to divest herself of her T-shirt which would reveal a skimpy bra then decided against it. She didn't want to even consider what her CO's expression would be if he were to view all that lace. It didn't bear thinking about.
"Ladies first, Captain."
She had failed miserably and she shook her head forlornly. Tentatively, she stepped into the cool, dark expanse of water, somewhat relieved to escape the Colonel's penetrating gaze on her semi-naked body. And just as quickly Jack was beside her, treading water.
"Satisfied, Carter?" His cool words echoed around the shadowy confines of the cave.
He didn't expect an answer and she didn't give one as slowly, but relentlessly Sam felt the warmth of the water creep over her, gently enfolding her in its dark embrace. She kicked out, away from Jack, and lay on her back totally relaxed yet still aware she should try and keep her distance.
"I'm not saying," said Jack breaking into her thoughts, "that I agree with you about this place, but I do kind of feel a little better for this swim."
Sam smiled across at him encouragingly. "I know what you mean, Sir."
Unusual for her CO, he was in a talkative mood and flipping onto his own back, he also floated gently on the surface. "I guess I've been hard work these past few days."
Sam turned her head, meeting his eyes which were almost hidden in shadow. She dearly hoped her own were too; she didn't want them revealing more than she intended.
"You've been very sick, Colonel, you couldn't help it."
"Oh?"
She could tell there was more to come and desperately attempted to change the subject.
"The Shaman told me that the Stargate isn't---."
As if she hadn't spoken, Jack continued with his own train of thoughts. "I just wanted to say…. What I mean is…. It can't have been easy."
She stilled, realizing he was finding this more than difficult and so tried to help.
"I didn't notice, Colonel. We were too busy trying to keep you alive."
"I can remember times when I'd come to and you were there, always there. You never let go."
Attempting to lighten the situation, Sam explained softly, "You'd have done the same, Sir."
"Did I talk much when I was out of it?" Jack persisted.
Sam's heart began to beat a little faster and she twisted, treading water. Her voice had an edge of wariness. "Sometimes – most of it was pretty incomprehensible."
"And the rest?"
She began to swim away only to be halted by Jack's insistent voice.
"The rest, Sam?"
She moaned quietly, closing her eyes to hide the pain of remembrance, unwilling to hurt him with his own words and all too aware of the fact that he'd used her first name.
"What was it?"
"Colonel, you were burning up with fever. I… could…." She caught his look and stammered into silence. Her eyes pleaded silently with him to leave this alone. He refused to look away. "Why is this so important to you?" she demanded querulously.
"I don't know. I just need to know."
Damn him for his persistence. "It was Charlie." She held her breath as she watched his eyes close to hide the pain, and then when they opened they were guarded. He turned away abruptly, swimming to the edge. Pulling himself up and out, Sam watched the rivulets of water cascade off his body. He'd lost too much weight.
Although his back was still turned toward her, she could see the shivers begin to cross his body and instantly her protective instincts overcame caution and she hurried to his side, throwing a blanket over his shoulders and cursing herself for failing to see this happening. She could hear his teeth chattering.
She had thought he might demand to be left alone, but as she chivvied him back to their sanctum, he allowed himself to be led quietly and as his shaking increased, Sam placed more blankets over him.
"C...c...cold," he complained softly.
'Damn!' Sam was furious. She had thought the water would complete the cycle of healing. What more could she do? The trembling of his limbs would not cease and without another thought, she threw off her soaking T-shirt and slid beneath the covers, nestling her own warm body against his back. For a while it seemed as if her presence would make no difference as his body continued to shake, but then slowly her own heat began to seep through to Jack's body and the tremors ceased little by little
The rubbing of cold limbs slowly turned to stroking as Sam willed Jack to fall asleep. Maybe then, she promised herself, she could resist the powers of the holy waters.
He moved, almost startling Sam and she shifted slightly away. He turned on his back, one arm again across his eyes, shielding him from an enquiring gaze. He felt the covers being brought up to his chin.
"I thought you'd be sick of mothering me by now," he muttered.
"You're nearly there, Colonel."
"Am I?" He lowered his arm and the pain and hurt were so starkly visible that Sam's hand reached out to stroke his cheek.
"Don't you think you've punished yourself enough, Jack?" It was the first time she'd used his first name and as he tried turning abruptly away from her, she pulled him back forcing him to look at her. "It wasn't your fault!" She pushed on his shoulders to emphasise each word.
"It was MY gun!" he cried out in torment, now struggling to get away, to retreat into the hard, invisible shell he had built up around him since that terrible day. He tried pushing Sam's hands away but she held on resolutely.
"YOU didn't pull the trigger – it was Charlie."
The searing hatred in Jack's eyes burned into her as he fought to extricate himself from her grasp. She knew he could easily hit her and be free, yet some sort of discipline remained.
"Shut up!" he cried in rage.
"He loaded the gun and pulled the trigger. I know it was an accident but it was Charlie who did it!"
When his hand flew back she braced herself, certain he was going to strike her. Yet at the last moment, his movement froze and almost in a trance, he leaned into her shoulder repeating his dead son's name over and over as Sam held him, held him as the torment, anger and anguish seeped out of him. Eventually he grew still and his slow, even breathing assured her that he was asleep. Slowly, ever so slowly, she began to extricate her limbs, careful not to disturb his time of inner healing.
"Don't let go."
The words were as soft as a will-o-the-wisp whisper and as Sam froze she wondered if she had imagined them. There was no other indication of this man in her arms being awake but just as slowly she relaxed and lay back with her own senses all too aware of the gentle rise and fall of his breast and the touch of his body against her own.
Visions began to rise up in her mind of the time she had been infected by some strange virus and had tried, forcibly, to seduce her CO. She could, even now, feel the scarlet blush as her memory recalled those events. What would happen now, she wondered, if she initiated some of those movements but at a much gentler pace? She closed her eyes, a silent groan escaping her lips.
"Am I hurting you?" Jack shifted his position alarming her.
Aghast, she realised her mistake. "N…no, no I…I'm fine. I was just thinking---."
"Thinking what?" Dark eyes now turned on her and she felt transfixed.
Why couldn't she be still and stay silent? Her prattling was going to be her downfall and Jack's razor sharp mind could cut through her barriers like a guillotine.
"I…I didn't exactly tell you everything about the holy water, Sir."
"You didn't?"
She shook her head.
"So spill the beans, Captain." The opportunity he offered threatened to open the door to a myriad of conflicting emotions within Sam and she cringed to reveal any.
Slowly, however, Jack reached out and took hold of her chin as he saw something of her inner turmoil and she was forced to look him straight in the eye and feel her pupils grow larger the longer she held his gaze.
"The…the waters do have healing properties – twice now it's helped heal you, with your wound and then your addiction."
She saw him grimace at her choice of words and smiled apologetically.
"So?" Jack still kept hold of her and Sam's heart began to beat stronger and louder until she was sure he must be able to hear and feel it too.
"For me it's different; I wasn't sick, yet it still had an affect."
He looked puzzled. "What sort of affect are we talking about, Carter?"
Feeling the blood rushing to her face, Sam ducked her head trying to turn away.
"You're safe with me," Jack whispered softly.
"But you're not with me." And Sam gently but purposely moved her head towards Jack and brushed her lips softly against his.
She felt his sharp intake of breath and saw the surprise and then her lips and hands became more insistent as her body moved persistently against his. For a frozen moment in time she believed there was an equal response to her passion as she pressed her body against Jack's. And then, suddenly he was holding her at arm's length and her confusion gave way to burning humiliation as she jumped away from him as if scorched by fire.
His face twisting in dismay, Jack moaned, "Hell, Carter, we can't!" He was as breathless as Sam. "I…I can't – it wouldn't be right."
Pulling away and turning from him she felt the shame writhing within her, and she sneered "You mean, it's against regulations."
"No! I…I mean, yes…. Ack, for crying out loud, what I mean is--."
"No need for explanations…, Sir." Her stiff back to him, she cut him off.
"I haven't finished, Sam."
His repeated use of her first name mortified her, urging her to retaliate. "Oh yes you have, Colonel. You've said it all. I'm sorry I embarrassed you – it will never happen again, Sir!"
He watched her as she fought her own agonies just as earlier the roles had been reversed, but this time he could offer no succour, no helping hand, and no shoulder to cry on. He simply daren't.
"Damn it, Carter, I…." His own inability to help her angered him and against his better judgment, seeing how hurt she was, he reached out grabbing her shoulders and turning her. He shook her gently to force her to look at him.
"Listen to me." And as she tried twisting away he shook her harder. "Listen, I said!"
Her sense of self-loathing was so severe she did what she would never have dared do and lashed out at him, kicking him hard on the shin.
Her release was instantaneous and Jack swore loudly and furiously, his black eyes darkening further in pain.
"Why you little hell cat, I ought to---."
"Turn me over your knee, Colonel?" She spat at him scornfully.
"Don't tempt me!" he shot back, giving her a firm push so that she landed hard on her butt. And then, just as suddenly as the confusion and passion had come, it began to clear and to Sam's further mortification she remembered coldly and clearly what had just taken place.
She turned, scrambling away, holding her face in her hands, alarmed at the feelings which had gripped her with an intensity she was unable to control.
For what seemed an age, she remained with her head in her hands, too humiliated to face her CO.
"Carter, are you alright?" There was no longer any anger in Jack's voice, simply concern.
God, how could she face him? "Er… yes, yes, Sir. I am now, Colonel. I…I don't know what got into me. I...I was like something possessed!" She shuddered in revulsion, looking into Jack's eyes, her confusion so apparent that he gave a slight grin in an attempt to defuse the tension.
She couldn't excuse her actions quickly enough.
"Colonel, - the water did it. For you it healed but for those with no sickness it is meant to induce, er…we… I guess you'd call it passion; an increase in libido." Her face continued to burn crimson. Would her misery know no end, she wondered? For she alone knew that though the passion had abated, it would not disappear completely. She closed her eyes feeling the tears pricking at her lids and turning away, she brushed them away before Jack could notice.
"No harm done, Captain. I've forgotten it already. No need to mention it in our reports."
He was doing his best to put Sam at her ease, which made her cringe all the more because he was usually too caught up in his own priorities in ensuring the safety of his team to even notice the delicate nuances of a disturbing atmosphere.
She ducked her head. "Yes, Sir." She was incapable of looking him in the eye and spent more time fastening up her boots than was entirely necessary.
Go to Part 5