Chapter 6 - Emotional Turmoil
Not having a copy of his class schedule yet Harry headed towards the transfiguration classroom to find Professor McGonagall.
"Ah! Potter good! You are in here this hour. Here is your schedule. Take a seat. We are revising last year's work so you haven't missed anything new." Professor McGonagall said as he walked into the classroom.
Harry waited to after class to approach the Professor.
"I am sorry Professor McGonagall but you have given me the wrong schedule. These are not the electives I selected!" Harry said.
"Potter, the Headmaster thought…" Professor McGonagall replied.
"Professor!" Harry interrupted, "As I am sure you know, the Headmaster and I are not on the best of terms at the moment and the reason for that is his habit of trying to control every little thing in my life. It is not his place to choose my electives. It is mine. I have only agreed to DADA, Charms, Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creature. I have also just been sponsored by Madam Bones for a legal studies elective. I have dropped potions and any other class involving Snape for the good of us all!" Harry stated.
"Without a Potions NEWT you will not be able to enter Auror training, Mr Potter!" Professor McGonagall stated.
"Actually Professor I have just discussed that matter with Madam Bones and there may be circumstances were not having a Potions NEWT will not be a hindrance to me becoming a Auror. I will reconsider Potions if we get a new Potions teacher in a couple of weeks but my guess is that the Headmaster will convince the governors to keep Snape on." Harry explained.
"Professor Snape, Mr Potter." McGonagall corrected.
"I will not be in any class taught by that man, Professor. I have had enough of his abuse. It is over!" Harry stated firmly.
McGonagall sighed. Truth was she agreed with Harry Potter. Things had gotten to far out of hand with Professor Snape for any hope of a peaceful settlement. And the greater majority of the blame lay with Snape. It had now come to a head and the best thing to do would be to keep them separated. "Very well Mr Potter I will amend your schedule to reflect your choices. You have a free period now but I need you to go to my office where you will find Mrs Longbottom waiting. Please deal with her quickly so we can get the school back to normal as soon as possible."
"Thank you Professor. I am sorry you seem to be caught in the middle of all this. " Harry said.
"You seem to be a very different person this year, Mr Potter, not all for the better I might add." McGonagall said as she looked over the top of her glasses at the boy.
"I know Professor. I don't mean to be but after last year… and now this business with Malfoy, I just don't know what else to do. I know I'm acting like a real bastard at times. I would go back to being 'nice' Harry Potter, if everyone would just leave me alone but we both know that isn't going to happen unless I force them all to back off." Harry told McGonagall earnestly.
"The Headmaster does care for you Mr Potter. He is trying his best for you. I know it doesn't always seem that way but…" Professor McGonagall stated kindly.
Harry's ears went scarlet but he held his rage in as best he could. "I think you are wrong Professor. The Headmaster does not care for me at all. It's a terrible thing to say I know but there it is." Harry replied coldly.
"Why ever would you think that?" Professor McGonagall replied quite shocked at the boy's attitude.
"I just spent the last two months trapped at the Dursleys. I wasn't allowed any mail from my friends. I wasn't allowed any newspapers or contact with the wizarding world. I was told I had to stay in the house all the time. I couldn't even escape to the little park anymore to get a break from the Dursleys. The Order was always on watch outside but they were under orders to never even speak to me. It was hell Professor. I mean I had just lost Sirius and I was all alone trying to cope with it. All on the orders of Dumbledore. Does that sound to you like he gives a toss about me? No, he doesn't care. Its just an act when its convenient." Harry replied in a bitter tone.
"You are wrong Mr Potter. I know he cares." She insisted.
"During the summer I thought over all the last five years, trying to remember all the times the Headmaster did something kind for me. Not something that had an exterior motive to do with the war but just something small, just for me, and do you know what? I couldn't think of a single occasion. Not one!" Harry shrugged looking sad. "Even the Dursleys did something nice occasionally, very occasionally but they did. He never has. Not once. He could have told me something about my parents but he hasn't. He could of told the Dursleys to not be so mean but he never did. Nothing! Every conversation, everything Dumbledore has given me has to do with the fight against Voldemort. In fifteen years he has never done one small kind thing for just me!" Harry eyes were clearly watering and his voice broke over the last words.
The legendary dour scot of Gryffindor wrapped the boy into a hug. He sobbed into her shoulder and she her him say softly, "Why doesn't he like me? Why does he do these things to me? Why?"
Harry pulled gently away from his Professor quickly wiping his eyes, "Sorry, I'm just being stupid. I don't cry! Not since I was five. I refuse to cry any more. It doesn't help. It just makes you look weak."
"There is nothing wrong with crying, Harry. We all need to release our feelings at times. Tell me what are you feeling now?" McGonagall asked him.
Harry seldom if ever spoke of his feelings to anyone but the sudden change in his Professors behaviour seemed to have helped him a little. "I feeling so many things at the moment I think I may explode, Professor." Harry told her as he shut his eyes. "I'm trying not to give in to the rage and anger but it's hard. That's the way to the dark side and I refuse to be like Voldemort. I know my parents and Sirius wouldn't want me to do that. I want to do what's right but I just don't know what that is anymore. You know I even feel sorry about Malfoy. I know what he must be going through but I can't help him. I can't help him without losing myself. Hermione says I have a saving people thing. Perhaps I do but who saves me, Professor? Who saves me?"
"Would you trust me to help you, Harry?" McGonagall asked him. "Would you trust me enough to help you deal with all these things you are feeling? It helps if you have someone to talk these things out with. Would you trust me to be that person?"
Harry gave a little nod and looked grateful. "I better get to Mrs Longbottom, Professor." He said.
"Yes, do that, Harry. I'd like you to come and talk more to me tonight after dinner in my office. We can have some tea and talk about this some more. Would you like that?" McGonagall asked.
"You won't tell the Headmaster what I say, will you?" the boy asked looking concerned.
"No, anything you say to me is in strict confidence Mr Potter, I assure you." McGonagal replied.
Harry nodded, "Thanks Professor, I'll come see you tonight. I'd better go."
After Harry left, Professor Minerva McGonagall sat at her desk and began to reflect on what the boy had said. He was certainly in need of counselling. After the events of last year that was no surprise. Leaving the boy to fester over the summer at his relatives and cutting off all contact he had with his friends had been a huge mistake. Minerva could see that now. The unpleasant truth of the boy's isolation was directly the decision of Albus Dumbledore. At nearly every Order meeting over the summer, Minerva remembered, numerous people offered to visit or contact the boy. Mrs Weasley had been strident; Remus Lupin insistent and even old Moody had offered to see the boy and talk to him and it was unheard of for him to take such an interest. They were all rebuffed forcefully by Dumbledore who had insisted no one contact the boy at all. Even when Hermione Grange sent a letter seeking permission to use the muggle telephone to contact the boy, a method no death eater could intercept, the Headmaster insisted she did not do so. It made no sense, no sense at all to the Scot. Minerva McGonagall knew she would have to confront the Headmaster soon about this but she knew she had to help Harry come to grips with his turmoil first. She pulled herself together and collected her thoughts for the next class.
Harry meanwhile sat in Professor Minerva McGonagall's office being interrogated. An hour and a half later he finally managed to get Mrs Longbottom to leave the castle with enough information about what Harry was looking for in a wife to satisfy her for now. It had been one of the most humiliating experiences of Harry's life as Mrs Longbottom asked question after question of the most personal nature. Harry explained the situation with Draco Malfoy in detail and Mrs Longbottom agreed to drag out the courtship rituals for as long as possible to give Harry a chance at getting Malfoy to chose another mate. But she warned even then Harry would be obliged to marry the candidate selected. Either way Harry's bachelorhood was very shortly to come to an end. If the timing went as planned he would be married at about the time he turned seventeen. The only question was to whom!