PART SIX

Pooh stopped chowing down on his sandwich for a moment. As Roo watched Pooh whom had honey mustard drizzled down his chin he began to think maybe he wouldn't work with Sveta. Pooh took a long swig of strawberry Quick, belched, and said

"If Wayne Fontes had no problem with Scott Mitchell throwing interceptions than he ain't going to have any qualms about me pigging out, jacking off, and watching Lifetime movies on your sofa."

"Pooh just go help Roo with whatever problem he has and get out of my house for the afternoon," Shawsey said huffily. "Go now or else I'm going to inflate your rent,"

As if he had been sent to his execution, Pooh slowly finished his sandwich before he left with Roo. Roo was ready to jump out of his skin. He had just pissed away two hours with Pooh. Sveta could show up again any minute.

"What do you need me to do?" Pooh asked as he tried to keep up with Roo's brisk pace. "Taste some homemade cooking?"

"Pooh I need you to wine and dine my Russian mail order bride," Roo announced.

"What?" Pooh shrieked.

Roo explained everything to Pooh. He explained about the Russian Romance Agency, his online romance with Sveta, her hot long legs, the presents they sent to each other, the letter about her coming to America, how he banished his parents from the house, and about Sveta showing up at the house. Pooh remained silent. They were back at Roo's house.

"Oh bother," Pooh muttered. "I don't know how to speak Russian. Do you have any honey?"

Roo reached into the pantry for a honey pot and handed it to Pooh.

"I don't know Russian either," said Roo. "It's what makes her so sexy. We can't talk. Less talk more fuck."

"You've been around Tigger too long," Pooh mumbled with a mouthful of honey. "I don't know anything about doing brain surgery."

"I don't think she came over here for brain surgery," Roo replied. "She came to get laid. You have nothing to worry about. I have it all worked out. I've arranged for you two to have a steak dinner at the Ritz Carlton, I bought tickets to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra play Shostakovich. You know he's Russian just like Sveta. She'll love it. To top it off when my parents left for Frankenmuth they didn't take the Maserati. They took the Mercedes. I have Dad's Maserati keys right here and you can drive it. I got the pin number on Dad's bank card so you don't have to pay a penny."

"I'm aware of the fact that I'm a bear of miniscule brain but won't your father wonder why so much money is missing when he balances out his checkbook?" Pooh asked.

"My Dad is so busy trying to put drug addicted child molesters back out on the street that he hardly ever balances his checkbook," Roo reassured Pooh. "He'll never notice. Plus I can pay it back little by little with my allowance. Anything to keep them from finding out about Sveta. Just then a yellow taxi pulled up in front of the house. "Hurry Pooh clean the honey off your paws. They're here. I'm going to go hide out in my room." Before Pooh could answer Roo dashed up the stairs to the safety of his bedchamber. Pooh glanced out the window. A tall leggy blond chick with a short skirt was getting out of the taxi. Pooh couldn't help but notice her breasts.

"At least they seem bouncy," he muttered. "Bouncy and squishy like honey cakes." Pooh noticed a man also getting out of the taxi. Roo didn't mention a man. He was tall with gray hair, and a huge Russian face. "Maybe that's supposed to be Shostakovich," Pooh thought, The doorbell rang and Pooh opened the door. The man spoke

"Hello," he said with a Russian but very easy to understand accent. "We're from the Russian Romance Agency. Svetlana has come all the way from her native Stalingrad Russia, to visit a Roo Fieger who lives at this address."

"That would be me sir," Pooh replied. He extended a honey coated paw out to him.

"It's great to meet you Roo," the man replied. "My name is Sergei Kostaslavalterkoff. I am a translator sent by the agency because Sveta has a hard time with English. If there is anything you can't understand that she says or if you say something she doesn't understand I will translate it for you."

"Uh," Pooh mumbled dumbfounded. "Can I call you Shostakovich?" He asked.

"I love Shostakovich. He's my favorite!" Sergei said. "Shosty five is my favorite symphonic work. I guess if you want to call me Shostakovich you can."

"Do come in and make yourselves comfortable," Pooh offered. "Can I get you some wine?"

"Yes. Me like wine," Sveta said with her heavy accent. Pooh led them inside to the living room.

"You live in a very lovely house Roo," Shostakovich remarked.

Sveta mumbled something to Shostakovich in Russian. "Sveta would like to know if they reason you have such a huge home is because neurosurgeons make lots of money. I've told her that in America neurosurgeons are very wealthy," he translated.

"Yeah I don't work cheap," Pooh replied. He hoped they wouldn't get into the neurosurgeon stuff too much. Pooh didn't know anything about doing brain surgery. Pooh located a bottle of Chianti wine in the wet bar and poured a goblet for everybody. Sveta touched her stomach and announced

"Me hungry."

"Svetlana wants to know if you have anything to eat," Shostakovich announced in a superior tone as if Pooh couldn't understand what "me hungry" meant.

"Yeah I have a rumbly in my tummy too," Pooh said. Shostakovich looked annoyed as he repeated this to Sveta in Russian. Sveta began to giggle at Pooh. Pooh traipsed into the kitchen. Finding food in Kanga's kitchen that a normal person could eat would be difficult. Everything Kanga bought was organic or soy based. Instead of chips and crackers in the pantry Kanga had sunflower seeds and cinnamon figs. Pooh never passed up food. He could eat anything but in Kanga's kitchen even he couldn't find food. He spotted a jar of organic clover honey, Organic or not honey was honey. Pooh loved all honey. Pooh grabbed the jar and brought it into the living room.

"You guys all down with having some honey?" Pooh asked as he dipped his paw into the jar and began to lick the honey off it. Sveta mumbled something in Russian.

"We aren't familiar with honey," Shostakovich said. "We do not have honey in Russia."

"Gee dude you don't know what you're missing," said Pooh. "Once you try honey you will see why everybody loves the USA."

Sveta reached into the honey jar Pooh was holding and submerged her bare hand into the honey. She pulled it out and just like Pooh began to lick honey off of her hand. Her eyes went wide.

"Mmmmmm," she squealed and began to babble in Russian.

"Sveta says it's the sweetest thing she has ever tasted. She says it's delicious," said Shostakovich. "She wants more."

"Well this is the only jar that I have here but we can go to the store and buy more. I wouldn't mind." Pooh replied.

"Don't bother going to the store just to buy her honey," Shostakovich said as he watched Sveta slurp honey off of her hand like it was droplets of water from the fountain of youth.

"No I really don't mind," said Pooh. "You'll love American grocery stores."

"Can I go?" Sveta asked Shostakovich.

"Svetlana you didn't come all the way to America just to go to the grocery store," Shostakovich said in Russian.

"Me want to go with Roo. Sveta like Roo. Sveta likes men with big tummy like Santa Claus," Sveta argued. She began to rub Pooh's shoulders and lick some honey that had drizzled down his neck. "You're just like a big, fluffy, teddy bear!" She giggled.

"We can get some pickled herring at the store," said Pooh. "And some baked beans, Oreo cookies, and a cheesecake."

"I can't believe that I'm in America and all I'm doing is going to a grocery store," Shostakovich bitched.

"No one invited you," Pooh said. "I write to Sveta not you."

"Without me you wouldn't be able to understand Sveta." Shostakovich snapped back.

"Roo do you think after we go to the grocery store we can stop at a shoe store so you can buy me a new pair of shoes?" Sveta asked. "These old heels of mine are dreadfully uncomfortable."

"That's the best English I've heard from you Sveta," Pooh said. "I don't see why we can't buy shoes. Let's go."

Shostakovich stopped his whining when he laid eyes on Geoff's black Maserati. Sveta rode in the front with Pooh, Shostakovich was banished to the backseat. As Pooh drove Sveta put her hand over his right paw and massaged it. Pooh had to admit that he was actually enjoying his day with Sveta. He got to go buy food and have someone else pay for it, a hot Russian chick was licking honey off of his neck, and he got to drive a Maserati. Pooh had the sunroof open, the windows rolled down, and blasted the jazz station of weather channel favorites that Geoff listened to. At the store Pooh loaded up the shopping cart with all kinds of American treats. Hot dogs, Pepperidge Farm cookies, peanut butter, honey, and frozen pizzas filled the shopping cart. After spending three hundred dollars on groceries Pooh took Sveta to the Somerset Mall. Sveta felt like she had died and gone to heaven. Pooh bought her five pairs of new shoes at Saks. Sveta also claimed that she had forgotten her nice dress in Russia and needed a new one to wear to dinner that night. Somehow one dress turned into three. Then Sveta said she needed jewelry, a handbag, shoes, and the right makeup to go with the dress. The Maserati overflowed with packages. Pooh usually hated shopping but this wasn't so bad. It wasn't his money he was spending, and Sveta didn't bitch at him if he wanted to go buy another smoothie in the food court. She just happily browsed the shop windows and then after Pooh was finished she reported back to him what she wanted. Any words she needed help with Shostakovich would translate.