PART NINE

Geoff and Kanga were still awake when Shawsey's black Hummer pulled in the driveway. Shawsey pounded on the door. Kanga answered. When she saw Shawsey she began to scream.

"Geoff! Geoff! Help! Help! There's a darkie on the porch! Come quick bring your shot gun!"

Geoff entered the room bitching

"Kanga what would you do if I weren't here right now? You have to learn to take care of yourself." He then noticed Shawsey. "Kanga what in the hell is the matter with you? That's no darkie, it's ex star running back Shawsey Sanders! We don't want to shoot him. We do want to shoot Winnie the Pooh! Shawsey you get that corrupt, slovenly, bag of horniness off of my property this instant!"

"Geoff" Shawsey said. "Let me speak with you. I know we have played many rounds of good golf together, and I would like to keep our relationship cordial especially if the Hundred Acre Wood Wolves decide to sue me for breaching my contract, but I'm an honest man, I stand for the truth."

"You can come in for a moment," Geoff said. "But that bear is not allowed in here, I will not have any killer kleptomaniac teddy bears from hell in my house! I'm only letting you in here because I know if you hire me to be your lawyer it means big buckos!"

Shawsey followed Geoff and Kanga into the study. "Want some port?" Geoff asked.

"Sure," Shawsey replied. "Got any cigars?"

Geoff rolled his eyes. He only offered cigars to his best clients. But since Shawsey asked he had no choice but to hand over one of his beautiful, illegal, Cuban cigars. He would like to add Shawsey Sanders to his resume as one of his famous superstar clients. Shawsey took a long puff and said

"No parent wants to hear this, but your boy is lying. He's actually quite good at it. Just like his Dad."

"Why thank you," Geoff gushed but Kanga elbowed him in disgust.

"Roo came over to my house this morning and in front of me, begged Pooh to help him out with a problem. Since Pooh is such a good friend he naturally said yes," Shawsey explained and took a swig of port.

"What problem did Roo have?" Kanga asked.

"The problem he has tried to dump on Pooh! For the past few months your son has been carrying on an online romance with a Russian mail order bride. He wrote to her and told her that he was a thirty-five year old neurosurgeon. Sveta wrote a letter to Roo explaining that she was coming to America just to visit him, so Roo needed to get a thirty-five year old neurosurgeon fast, the closest he could get was Pooh. I witnessed his dramatic tear jerking speech pleading for someone to cover his ass."

"You must be wrong Mr. Sanders," Kanga declared. "Our son Roo only uses his computer to look up information for school projects and to type papers. He's not into checking out inappropriate web sites."

"Ha," Shawsey laughed. "I bet if you went and looked through his computer you'd find all kinds of love letters, nude pics, receipts from all the gifts he has sent to her in Russia."

"He could be right," Geoff said to Kanga.

"No! Roo would never get involved with such garbage. He's a nice boy. He serves as an alter boy at church," Kanga replied.

"Kanga," Geoff groaned. "This man is Shawsey Sanders. We need to take him seriously."

"I don't care if he's the pope," Kanga retorted. "My son would not have a relationship with a tramp over twice his age with plastic boobs!"

"Why I would?" Geoff replied. "I wonder if Tigger would know anything. Tigger is his big buddy."

"I do believe Tigger knows," Shawsey replied.

Just then the doorbell rang again. Kanga and Geoff all went to answer it. Shostakovich was there and Sveta was rambling obscenities in Russian to Pooh who had been sitting on the porch swing.

"Get that Russian bitch off my property," Kanga squealed.

"So Roo is married?" Shostakovich asked. "Are you his wife?"

"I'm Roo's mother," Kanga yelled. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm a translator with the Russian Romance Agency. I brought Sveta here to meet Roo, the love of her life."

"You must mean Pooh," Kanga said. "Roo is my son and he's a good little boy. An alter boy at church."

"I have written on a form here that the name is Roo," said Shostakovich. He pulled a folded up sheet of paper from his jacket pocket.

"It's a mistake," Kanga spat. "You dumb Russians don't know anything. The name you want is Pooh. My boy would never do something so trashy. My boy is an angel. Perfection just like Jesus."

"This is my Roo," Sveta cried to Pooh. "I want to live in America with Roo." Sveta began to climb on Pooh's lap.

"So what's this a party? Why am I not invited? I love parties." Tigger awake from his hangover from the previous night noticed all the commotion on Kanga's front porch. A six pack of Bud was under his arm. "I brought some refreshment."

"I think I'll be needing that," Geoff barked and grabbed a beer.

"Pooh was arrested for stealing Geoff's Maserati. But Roo told him to drive Sveta around in it," Shawsey explained. "He was using Pooh as his thirty-five year old neurosurgeon."

"Pooh?" Tigger asked. "You mean Roo couldn't find anyone better to pretend they were a brain surgeon than Pooh?"

"So this is true?" Geoff asked. "Roo did have an online relationship with this Russian bimbo?"

Tigger just looked away. Roo was his pal and he had told him he would keep his word, but he didn't want Pooh in trouble either.

"I plead the fifth," he said.

"Damn it Tigger," Shawsey demanded.

"Sveta looked forward to Roo's letters like a kid waiting for Christmas morn," Shostakovich said. "Sveta loves Roo and wants to be the mother of his children."

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" Geoff growled.

"He's Shostakovich," Pooh replied. "He a composer. I'm hungry Shawsey. When can we go to Dairy Queen?"

"Shut up Pooh," Geoff yelled in his courtroom voice. "Or else I'm going to shove an ice cream cone up your ass!"

"Why are you always threatening to shove things up my ass?" Pooh asked. Geoff ignored him and said

"The only way to see who is telling the truth is to look at Roo's computer and just see what he's been up to. I know he's been sleeping but if he's innocent he should have no problem with us going through his files."

Geoff led a parade of Shawsey Sanders, Kanga, Shostakovich, Sveta, Tigger, and a six pack of beer upstairs to Roo's bedchamber. Roo was sound asleep unaware of what had been happening.

Geoff barged into sleeping Roo's bedchamber. Roo rolled over and woke up when he saw the herd fill into his room.

"Blond babe with long legs," he cooed. "Am I dreaming."

"Wake up boy wonder," Geoff barked. "I have reason to doubt the piss off story you told us tonight at the hospital. I want to see your computer."

"You can't see my computer Dad," said Roo. "It's asleep."

"See honey," Kanga said to Geoffrey. "Roo's computer is sleeping. We mustn't disturb it."

"Fuck that shit," Geoff muttered. Geoff made his way to Roo's I-Mac and smacked the keyboard. The computer immediately sprang to life. "I want you to log yourself online Roo," he ordered.

"Not now Dad I'm sleeping," said Roo. "I'm very tired after the ordeal."

"All I need is your password," said Geoff. "Just log yourself online and let us look. If there isn't a problem you should be back to sleep in a few minutes."

"Please Dad can't it wait until the morning. I'm very tired," Roo protested. He knew he was busted. His only hope would be to create a new screen name early in the morning and set up a new password. That was the only way he would come clean.

"Roo if you don't get your lazy ass out of bed and log yourself on to the computer than I will force you to resign from the rest of little league football," Geoff threatened.

"You cain't do that," Roo exclaimed.

"Yes your father can," Kanga answered. "He pays the tuition, and buys all your equipment. And don't say cain't. Makes you sound like white trash."

"I'm afraid that's what your son has turned into," Shawsey muttered. Sveta babbled something to Shostakovich in Russian. Shostakovich announced it

"Sveta says she doesn't care if it's a Roo or Pooh. She doesn't care about the third grade boy. All she cares is that she gets to be with him," he pointed at Pooh. "She finds him extremely sexy, and wants to taste more honey, and she wants to be his American wife."

"She hasn't smelled one of Pooh's farts that he gets after a honey pork BBQ sandwich," Shawsey laughed.

"I'll learn how to drive," Sveta mumbled with heavy accent. "Me drive like American woman."

"Your driving has caused enough trouble," Geoff muttered. "I have to find out if it was Roo or Pooh who wrote you because I can't sue Pooh for damages and theft if indeed my son told him to use my car." Geoff glanced icily at Roo who was just sitting there with a constipated look on his face. Geoff couldn't tell if he was guilty or innocent.

"Roo," said Tigger. "It's shit or get off the pot time. You aren't going to be happy with yourself if Pooh rots in jail for no reason. You should just show them what's in the computer."

"Tigger," Roo groaned.

"Roo, you have to be a man. Now you're not thirty-five but you can at least act like one by doing the right thing," Tigger went on.

"Boy I'm impressed by that speech Tigger," Kanga said. Roo sighed and slowly went over to his I-Mac and typed in his screen name and password. He had no choice but to give in. Hell probably his stupid father would send his computer straight to Bill Gates to have it confiscated if he didn't. It was the most humiliating experience of Roo's life. His parents, Shawsey Sanders, Pooh, Sveta, Tigger, and Shostakovich, all reading the personal letters he had sent.

Dear Svetlana,

You don't know me but I found your picture on the Russian Romance Agency web site. I chose to write to you because I think you're a goddess. In America we call that a totally hot babe. I would like to see more of you and those kick ass legs.

My name is Roo and I am from America. I live in the quiet woods because I enjoy hiking and fishing. I am thirty-five years old, six foot four, lift weights, and I am a neurosurgeon. I work on many patients saving lives. Hopefully you will make my life a little better by replying to this letter.

Cordially,

Roo Fieger M.D.