"That was the first letter," Roo squeaked after his dad read it allowed.
"What a bunch of horse shit," Shawsey said and even Tigger was laughing.
"I knew about the age and the neurosurgeon fibs but I didn't know you told her you were six four, and lifted weights."
Dear Sveta,
I like it that you are letting me call you Sveta. I find that extremely sexy and thrilling to say. It's like the word "Vagina." It's quite poetic and fun to say. It tickles the end of the tongue. Maybe it's not your name that tickles my tongue, but the thought of someday tasting your flesh under my tongue when we are together. I find myself daydreaming about you when I am doing my work. Someday we will be together and we no longer need to dream. I am glad you like the perfume I sent you. Thank you for the chocolate."
Kisses,
Roo
"Where is the chocolate now?" Pooh asked. "Got any left over?"
"You had the hussy sending gifts here?" Kanga exclaimed.
"Roo wrote such beautiful letters," Shostakovich translated for Sveta. "Like poetry."
"I don't know," said Kanga. "I don't think comparing someone's name to the word Vagina is a turn on."
"Sveta," Tigger moaned. "Sveta. I don't get that much of a hard on saying it."
"Roo you have just disgusted me tonight," Geoff said. "It's not just this Russian crap, but you have lied. You not only lied to Sveta, but you lied to your mother and me. You lied to get us out of the house for the day, and you lied to cover your ass when the Maserati crashed. That lie put one of your friends behind bars. You didn't care. Have you no conscience? You're just like the rapists, and drug lords that I put back out on the streets. Pathological liars! You're scaring me Roo."
"I knew the Dutch Reformed Faith was no good," Kanga ranted. "Geoff I think we need to convert. Convert to a better environment. Let's become Presbyterian. If Roo was Presbyterian, none of this would have happened." Kanga was always switching religions. She had been everything from Jewish to Catholic to Hindu. She changed religions more frequently than some people change the sheets on their beds.
"We need to give Roo a talking to," Geoff said. "Sveta, Shostakovich, we're sorry for the trouble our son has caused the Russian Romance Agency. I know you spent lots of money flying Sveta out here just to find out her little love muffin was really a third grade joey."
"It's okay," said Shostakovich. "Sveta found Pooh. It wasn't a trip wasted."
"Pooh we're sorry for the way he treated you at the hospital," said Kanga. "We should have known that you never steal. We let our emotions get the best of us. How can we make it up to you?"
"Get me something to eat," Pooh replied. "I have a rumbly in my tummy. I've been wanting to go to Dairy Queen for hours."
"Here's twenty bucks," Geoff pressed a bill in Pooh's paw. "Take this and go get yourself a nice huge ass orange julius for yourself."
"Oh boy!" Pooh squealed.
"I'll take him now," said Shawsey. "Goodnight."
After everyone had left, and Kanga threw Tigger back to his apartment over the garage Geoff and Kanga sat Roo down in the study. Tigger had wanted to watch this. Said it would be better than pay per view but Kanga threw him out.
"You know we didn't buy you that computer so you could fill it with smut," Kanga began. "We bought it to help you with school. To do math games on. You haven't even opened your Encarta. Looks like all you've done with it is romance Russian bimbos."
"At least I use it," Roo protested.
"Don't get fresh with us boy," Geoff said in his courtroom yell. "You're in deep do-do pal. I don't care about school studies. We're taking the computer away. You can do your homework the old fashioned way with a Webster's dictionary, typewriter, and a calculator. It's not like you've used the computer for school anyway. You're not mature enough to handle it."
"Not mature enough?" Roo exclaimed. "Why Sveta thought I was a thirty-five year old neurosurgeon."
"Sveta is also a glorified hooker," Kanga snapped. "Why would you write all those lies to her?"
"I thought it would be fun," Roo said. "I didn't mean it to go so far. I had no idea she would fly all the way to America to see me."
"You've become a smooth liar," Geoff said. "Just like the kind of sleaze I defend in court. "You've lied to Sveta, you lied to get us out of the house. All that bullshit about wanting to show us how much you love us. Then you lied about Pooh stealing my car, and you had his ass in jail for a while. These are the patterns that lead to serial killers."
"Look I've had enough of mail order brides for a lifetime," Roo said. "I learned my lesson good. I got so scared when she started to write to me about kids and marriage."
"Well most men do get scared at such talk," Geoff agreed. "Until you can handle having your own computer, the computer will stay with us. You're also grounded for the next two months. You can tell coach that you are dropping out of little league football for the rest of the season. You mostly warm the bench anyway, it's not like they need you to win."
"But Dad," Roo protested. "Two months? That's past Christmas! I won't get to go to any Christmas parties."
"Exactly," Kanga put in. "Santa's been watching this whole charade. Trust me he knows everything."
"No South Park for three weeks either," Geoffrey went on. "Your mind seems to be too cluttered up with trash already."
"I can't see friends, I can't use the computer, I can't watch South Park, what am I supposed to do?" Roo replied.
"You'll be going to Presbyterian Bible school," Kanga announced. "It meets all day on Saturdays and then two hours on the weekdays after school. It will teach you to be a good boy who reads the Bible instead of love letters from his Russian hooker."
"Now get to bed. Think about what you did," Geoff growled. "Tomorrow you can spend your day at church and then writing formal apologies to Pooh and the Russian Romance Agency."