"Go now."
"Anakin, I can't!" Jaina commed.
That was the beginning, the first crack in her heart, the first fateful step to the embrace of the Dark Side. When he was gone there was nothing for her, no love, no light, no feeling. She felt the waves of nothingness creep into her soul and take root. It was surreal. The movement, the people talking to her, she never registered it. It was as if time stood still and it had all become a picture in a book.
They made it out all right. It was hard and painful and she fought them every step of the way to go back and make it all go back to being right. She was slipping down that horrible pain-filled chasm even then.
She just didn't know it yet.
The journey to Hapes was dangerous, hundreds of dovin basal mines on the way and all of them looking to yank the Millennium Falcon out of space. As he hit the tarmac on Hapes, a bitter pain seared through his bond with the Force. Jacen. Gone, but why him? Why had Kyp felt the burning ache go through him? He and Jacen had no bond, no real friendship, but… Jaina? She must be near and he felt her pain as well. But oh, the pain. He'd felt something akin to it back then. Carida. All those souls who cried out at once when he murdered them. Why was it happening again?
And then news, an alien vessel approaching and they believed that Jaina was the pilot. Fel was to go get it, and the Chiss female. They didn't need him along Fel said.
"Oh, if that's all," Kyp said dryly. "I've been expendable for years. And recently my status has been downgraded from undesirable to anathema."
He laughed inwardly at that remark. If they only knew how much pain drove him to be the very best he could be. To redeem himself in their eyes. And for what? So he could live up to the high standards the New Republic expected from the Jedi. The keepers of peace, the deliverers of justice. But Kyp Durron was not that, never that. He was the one that killed the planet. The one that was judge, jury and executioner for billions of people. He was the one that saw Zeth as he died. That face full of hope and realization that it was too late. For all of them.
Something tugged at his mind. Jaina needed him. But why? What could he possibly do for her now? He'd hurt her so much before. The lies to make her see what he wanted her to see. She'd never believe his sincerity now. But she had to. The Force told him. She needed to. Something was drawing him to her. He needed to get to her, to be with her, but why now?
Why him?
She slipped further each day. The pain, the grief, the raw ache that tore into her very soul. Jacen was gone, Anakin, gone, and she, for some reason was forced to stay alive and remember. She moved through each day like a puppet. Putting on a mask each day to show everyone else she'd be okay. But she felt hollow. Unreal.
She felt the anger and the raw power of rage burn through her as she walked past the Vong ship, The Trickster. A very cruel trick indeed. All Jedi were made to relinquish something of themselves to achieve the full symmetry with the Force. Why did she need to give so very much? Why both of them?
She wandered farther, gazing at the stars in the dusky Hapan sky. She could get in the ship right now and find them. It wouldn't be that hard. Just go back to Myrkr. They were there, the Vong, Nom Anor, the enemy. She felt the power flow through her arms into her hands. So easy, so very easy. Just allow the rage to flow through her and she could destroy them all. Just a simple thing. But something pulled at her and made her stay.
When he found her he knew. He could feel the anger, flowing out of her. He knew she was falling but he could stop it. She was only looking over that dangerous edge, not over it, yet. He could help her find her way back. He'd been able and she was so much stronger than him. Just a nudge.
"The offer is still open if you want it."
"What offer Kyp?"
"To be my apprentice. To let me help you find your way," he said softly.
She wiped her hands and stepped away from the ship.
"Do you really believe that I could put up with you and your double dealing tricks long enough to actually learn something from you?" she demanded. "What would you teach me Kyp? Lies and other manipulations? How to serve only myself? How to kill millions?"
"No, I..."
"Kyp, believe me when I say this. You do not want me to be your apprentice. You and I do not have the same goals. You cannot handle how I am feeling right now, and you cannot stop me from following this to the end. I have a job to do and I know what it is. You do not need to guide me anywhere."
She turned her back on him grabbing a hydrospanner on the way and returned to the ship she had gutted on the tarmac.
"Well… if you need someone to talk to, I'm here," he said under his breath as he turned and walked away.
He sat on the rocky beach staring at the waves and wondering what he'd done to make her hate him so much. She'd struck at him like he had burned her. He knew he'd blown her trust when he told her about the worldship. But it had to be destroyed. She knew that. They all knew that.
The waves crashed around the rocks and he sat and watched the sun set over the edge of the horizon. He should leave. Leave her to make up her own mind and her own mistakes. It wouldn't take but a few minutes time to gather his few belongings and head out to…where? Where to go from here? What was left for him now? Miko was gone, the Dozen all gone. And now there was no one left to hold him back.
But her.
But she clearly hated him. What had she said? Something about killing millions. Carida. Always Carida. He would never escape from the memories of Carida. He should go back and talk to her, tell her how he'd changed, how the Light flowed through him now, steady and strong. But she'd just throw his words back at him again. And why did that hurt so very much? Why couldn't he stand his ground and tell her how he felt? Why did the words all get caught in his throat when he was in her presence? What was it about her that made him unable to think or speak?
I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
She was taunting him. She threw herself into solving the problem of how to make the Vong think they were seeing their own ships when they weren't. She was good at this, maybe too good. And he didn't like it. Not one bit.
They fought about it, and often. He kept throwing the fact that he was older and more experienced at her and she kept battering him back into submission with her sheer skill and amazing mind. A mind that could easily be used by the wrong people. Like that scientist, the one who's mind he stole. She stormed across the room towards him, datacard in hand, waving it in his face like some sort of holy relic.
"This is it. This is the answer to all of the problems," she laughed.
"What is it?"
"The way to make the Vong ships sense us as their own. We can infiltrate their space and their ranks and they will never know it until it's too late and we can destroy them."
The way she spat out that word 'destroy' like it was a game. Like she was a kid again and she wanted Threepio to read her a story. This was not good. This whole war and her vicious hatred of the Vong were getting out of hand. But how could he stop her with just a few words? No, not her. Not Han and Leia's daughter. No words from his mouth would hold her back. It pained him to see her slip just that much more knowing he couldn't find the right words to make her stop and see reason.
And there was nothing he could do.
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share for you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
She could feel it. The power, the rightness of what she had done in so short a time. She'd destroy them all. The ones that killed her heart. The ones that tore out her soul. The ones that had killed, maimed, tortured so many people.
The Vong.
The took everything from her. Her ability to love. Her fate. Her family. Her brothers. Her reality.
She'd make them pay for it. No one could stop her. She was right and she knew it. This was the first thing she had been able to feel in, so long.
As she raised her light saber to Kyp's throat and glared at him, she could see his fear. Fear of her and what she'd become. She couldn't help it. They had to pay. She had thought about just going. Taking The Trickster and going out to kill all the Vong she could. But something, some feeling, the Force? It made her stay. She had a reason to be here now but no idea what that was. She could get past it and go, but, no. Not yet. She felt the pull and knew that something was left undone here.
I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems… no one will appear here and make me real.
The Force pulled her in quickly. The vision was deep and strong. The Shadow Academy. The duel. But. This wasn't the same. The looming shadow coalesced into Darth Vader as it raised the red blade to her. She lunged and parried. Her lungs soon burned from the exertion. She was just a girl. This shouldn't be happening to her. Not yet.
She knew in the back of her mind that it was not Darth Vader but Jacen. At least, that was what she thought she remembered. Jacen wasn't this good with a light saber though. The hissing of the breath mask never faltered. The black cloak swirled and eddied around his back as he moved. Clear your mind, Jaina, she ordered herself. Focus!
Moving in for a strike the black figure forced her backwards. There must have been something on the floor because she was falling backwards, watching the red blade come towards her. She raised her own to block it but it was gone!
She tried to move backwards past the reach of the blade but she couldn't go any farther. The humming red saber came down on her shoulder and the pain exploded through her as she screamed. As the blade cut through her shoulder she heard a voice laughing in triumph, but not Vader, no.
Jacen.
She awoke from the vision dripping with a cold sweat. Shivering as if she'd just taken a walk on Hoth after dark. It wasn't real, that never happened. What could that mean? What did any of it mean?
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
"Talk to me, Jaina."
"You do not want to hear what I'll tell you, Durron."
"Oh, it's Durron now? What did I do to you this time?"
She hung her head in dismay. He'd been following her all afternoon. Quietly, distantly, as she walked on the beach. The wind tickled her hair from it's braid and threw it across her face. She dropped silently down on the sand and put her head in her hands.
He knelt next to her and gingerly placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Jaina… please. I know how much you are hurting. You need to release the pain and move on," he said quietly as the breeze threw his words away.
"What makes you think you could possibly know how I feel Kyp?" she spat the words at him like a snake spitting venom. "Who have you had die before your eyes?"
He slowly got up and walked a few meters away before he stopped and turned to her, "You don't remember do you? You don't think I know? You don't think I feel? I have a heart Jaina, and it's been crushed and you know it!"
The words shot through her like a dagger, and she gasped as she realized what she had said to him. How could she? She had just poisoned any hope of friendship between them once and for all.
"Kyp…"
He stormed off down the beach, away from her.
A single tear was lifted off his cheek by the wind. Her own mirrored his.
I'd tell you how it haunts me
She threw herself on the sand and wept. Tears for all of the pain that she'd crated away in the darkest parts of her heart. Chewie. Anakin. Jacen. Anni. Ulaha. Eryl. Jovan. Krasov. So many. She wished that Jacen was here to talk to. Anytime she needed him he'd always been there for her. Who would she be able to talk to now?
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
So many thoughts flooded through him. It was as if he'd been pulled under the ocean and all of the currents carried him every which way. He felt her pain. He knew. He had watched his mother and father cut down before his young eyes. Zeth was there in his heart, always. And Han and Leia who had accepted him even after Carida. They were his family now. Had been for years. Been there for him when he needed it. Sometimes it was too much for him. The knowing. He would wake from sleep screaming as he watched his brother die, his parents die, everyone he'd loved die.
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
If only she'd understand. If only he could talk to her. He'd been trying for years to make her see him as something more. If only the pain would go and the love would fill him like he knew it could.
If only he'd leave her alone. If he'd stop following her like she was a child still. She could get a grip on this pain and force it away. She knew he meant to help, he always had, even when she was little. He'd always there to pick her up if she fell and tell her stories and she remembered the love she'd felt for him then. He was like the best older brother ever, but more. So much more.
You don't care that it haunts me
She thought of the look in his eyes when he'd walked up behind her in the ballroom a few nights ago. How he'd touched her shoulder. So gently. So hungrily. She could feel the fire of his touch burn through her. And his eyes compelled her to dive into them like the coolest, deepest lake she'd ever see. But to dive in would be the end of her. He was danger. He was the path she could not take. As tempting as it was.
He closed his thoughts off from all around him and focused on her and her alone. She'd grown from such a wonderful little girl to such a fragile blossom of a woman. And what a woman she had yet to become. Her beautiful eyes, so real, so fulfilling when they looked on him with love. The gentle curves of her hips, the dignified grace of her neck. He longed to be able to taste her lips. Just one kiss would be all he'd ever need.
There are no flowers, no, no this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
There was no way she'd ever be able to find the words to say to him. Not now. Not ever. She could never tell him how she felt. How much he meant to her. How much she loved him.
Just how much this hurts me
He'd never be able to face her again. She must hate him more than ever now. She was gone from him and it was his fault again. He'd driven her away. She'd never be his to hold. She'd never be able to know how much he loved her.
Just how much you …
Fin