Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina.

Pre-read by: darksoulessbody17

"The Late Results of Stubbornness"

Chapter five: "Ai's Story"

It started about a year ago, when I was about fourteen. That was when I noticed something was wrong. At first glance, everything was normal. But taking a closer look, I realized something was different I was always pretty good when it comes to noticing changes in people's behaviors. Mom started going out very often, which was quite unusual because she spend most of her time with me, except of course, when going out to work. Even though she was still smiling when we were together, I could sense something in this smile was strange… it seemed almost like a sad smile. And in addition, she looked quite bad… I often saw something was aching her. So, finally, I decided to ask her. I cracked open the door to the living room and saw she was sitting on the couch… holding somwhere near her stomach with a painful grimace on her face. I gulped and shivered, not knowing if I really had courage to ask her. What if I get a terrible answer or something like that? I nearly changed my mind, but then I realized that it wouldn't change anything. If something was really going on, it would happen even if I didn't ask. And, actually, it couldn't be that bad, could it?

Hesitantly, I went into the room quietly and took a seat next to her. She noticed me, of course. She smiled – she always smiled seeing me. "Hi there, Ai," she said in a warm voice. This was one of many things I loved her for.

"Umm… Mom…" I said, trying to not look into her eyes.

"Yes?" I didn't really know if I should do this… But I already decided I will… So, taking a deep breath I asked.

"Is something… wrong?" She looked at me, looking a bit startled.

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean! I see something's wrong! What I meant is… your… your health is not well, right?" She seemed as if that comment hit her in the face. She averted my gaze, looking down.

"Why… do you ask?" she said softly.

"If I see something bothering me… then I won't be quiet about it. I've been seeing that for a while now… I can tell you don't feel well." There was a long silence, when she kept her head down, so I couldn't see her face. "Well? Tell me, please," I said, looking directly in her face, desperately wanting her to answer me.

"It's not well, that's true…" she finally said softly. I gulped but I made a decision before that I'm going to ask her about everything.

"How… bad is it…?" I asked, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to get the answer.

"Very bad…" she answered in an almost whisper. I was almost frozen by that… what did she mean by that!

"Something… serious?" I was already shivering and breathing hard. She finally turned to me – I could see her serious, sad look, now – and gently placed her hands on my arms.

"You could say so…"

"What is it!" I asked, now almost in panic. "Do you need an operation or something!" She was silent. "It wouldn't be so scary… right? I mean… I know we can't probably afford it, but with the help of my school friends' parents, I'm sure they'll…"

"Ai…" she cut me off with a simple word… "No one can help…" Now I was even more nervous and terrified – if that was even possible.

"Stop… stop talking like you're going to die, or something!" I expected her to calm me, like she always did, but instead, she showed me a serious look I never saw in her, looking deep into my eyes. "You… you won't, right?"

"It's… a kidneys' cancer, Ai…" Just one sentence… but it was like I was falling into a bottomless void.

"No…" I whispered. It couldn't be true… probably just a cruel joke… She embraced me tightly. "That's… That's… not true, mom! It can't be! Can't be…" She hugged me even more tightly.

"I'm sorry, Ai… they're saying… it's at a too advanced stage… they can't do anything…" That was too much. Definitevely too much for me. I finally did something I've been meaning to do from a while that evening – I burst into tears.

"NO! This… can't… be…" I managed to say between the sobbing, as she hugged me really tight to her and kept stroking my hair. "Mommy… that's not true…" She shook her head and looked at me serenely.

"I'd really want it to be a lie or a mistake… but…"

"B-b-but you don't look t-that b-bad…" I said crying. She almost smiled – or should I say smiled in a sad way?

"Well, believe me: I feel rather bad… It won't happen very soon… however, it's a matter of months…" she said very softly.

"What!" I shouted almost angrily. It was the first time I even raised the tone at my mother… "What is a matter of months! Do you just want to say you will… you will…" I couldn't say the word 'die' out loud. But she knew too well what I meant. She nodded in a silence.

"Well… It looks like I'll have to leave you alone, soon…" she whispered. I could already see she had traces of tears on her cheeks, as well.

"YOU WON'T!" I can't explain why I was so angry when I should rather be depressed… maybe I was so shocked I didn't realize fully what could… no, what WILL happen… She just shook her head in silence and hugged me again.

I don't have any idea how long I've been crying in her arms. When I finally calmed down a bit, I asked about something I never really understood… even now I still can't understand it…

"Why… why haven't you… told me earlier?" She dropped her head in sadness.

"Because… I was afraid you'd react in a way you just did now…" That may be some explanation, but still… I didn't understand… "That you'll take that very hard…"

"And who wouldn't!" I said. "You're… you're just telling me now… that you will…" I still couldn't say that word out loud. And I felt like crying again.

"I know I did wrong…" she admitted sadly. "I should told you much earlier… prepare you for that in some way… step by step… But I couldn't find the courage… And yet again, it looks like you're a very good observer. I know it's indescribably hard to take the news, but…" she ended the sentence with a big sigh, grimacing and holding her stomach. "Still hurts…"

"That's not true," I said once again that day, ignoring her last comment. I don't know why, maybe because I still didn't believe her somehow, or my mind couldn't accept it. My voice was cracking. Well, considering that whole amount of sobbing and crying, it was just a normal thing. "It's just a damn, horrible nightmare… it has to be!"

"I'd really like it to be… but unfortunately nightmares aren't the only things in the world where you're suffering…"

I had enough.

"NO! YOU WON'T DIE!" I finally said 'that' word.

"I will." Those words shocked me as if someone punched me in the face. She said that as if it was just an affirmation of the fact – very calmly, and still with such an unexplainable calmness. I gulped down another bunch of sobs.

"Why… are you saying that, mommy?" I asked.

"Because you can't run away from what's unavoidable," her answer was so simple, yet so terrifying. "We must talk about it. About everything."

"That won't help me!" I tried to protest. But she just shook her head.

"Trust me. It will. And if you don't talk about the problems, then does it mean they don't exist?" She looked into my eyes.

"No," I admitted, averting her gaze, and staring down. "It doesn't…"

"Then we must talk about it. Seriously." I nodded hesitantly, but nothing mattered for me back then. I didn't have any tears anymore. I cried them all earlier.

"I couldn't live without you, mommy…" I said, as if it was something that could convince death to let her alive.

"I know…" she whispered, stroking my hair.

"What will happen to me when you…"

"Well… my whole family – my parents and my younger sister - died in a car accident five years ago. And the last time I saw them was when I was in the same age as you are now… So even if they would be alive I doubt they'd be happy if they suddenly learned they're grandparents… It's different for my sister – I guess she wouldn't be a bad aunt. Even though she was adopted… Well," she said with a somewhat sarcastic serenity. "I guess we'll have an occasion to talk with each other again, soon…"

"Stop talking like this!" I said almost hysterically.

But she surprised me by looking at me with a serious face. "Ai… You have to understand you can't stop what's unstoppable! Didn't I tell you that already?"

"But… but it's so hard!" I tried to explain. "And you aren't making it any easier…"

She nodded in affirmation. "Yeah, I guess… But I can't always lie to you about…" she painfully grimaced again "… my condition… We have to talk about it. Seriously. Telling the whole truth, without any lies… Honestly. Otherwise you'll never be able to live on your own…"

"I will NEVER be able to live on my own! You're the only one for me, mommy…" I sobbed. "I NEED YOU!"

She sighed. "You know, sometimes, I'm wondering how did I manage to create such tight bond between me and my daughter…" I didn't understand that sentence. I always knew the answer for that.

"It's simply because you love me, mommy…"

She smiled for a moment, but her smile quickly faded off when something obviously hurt her again.

"Yes, I love you… And because of that I want you to be happy."

"How can you make me happy if you're going to…"

"Ai…" she cut me off. "You think I'd like to?" she said completely without the anger, yet, her answer froze me.

"I… I… it's…" I fought for words.

"Of course I'd like to stay alive for many years… To see you growing up, forming a family, to see my grandchildren… Yeah, I still have so much to do in my life. But it looks like I won't be able to…"

I was silent. I still couldn't find the words, as she grimaced again.

"I'm only 35… maybe I'm not very young anymore, but…" she ended the sentence with a deep, sad sigh.

"I'm sorry," I finally whispered, looking down. "It's just that… I can't imagine living without you…"

She gently placed her hand on my cheek, carefully lifting my wet face up.

"And that's why we have to talk."

And so, we finally talked. It was the longest talk we ever had, but it was probably the most needed, too. During it, we talked about everything which will happen 'afterwards' and how I will handle it. She tried to prepare me for that. If it was possible, of course. It was also probably the hardest talk I ever had. But she was right – it was needed. It was necessary. During it, I cried a lot. She was always hugging me then. But something I'll never forget is the last part of that conversation, when we talked about… us.

"You know," she said with a little smile. "I still remember when I was pregnant with you…"

"You do?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah… I was very excited to have a little being inside me. I even used to 'talk' with you back then…

"Actually," I said, also managing to smile. "You still do."

"Well, it's a force of a habit," she giggled.

"What was it like…? I mean, giving birth to me?" I asked. She smiled.

"Well, I'm going to tell you the same thing that probably every mother tells when she's asked about her delivery – it was painful." I bit my lip. Even for a single moment, I didn't forget about the core of that talk. Every small word related to the topic – such like 'pain', 'suffer', 'leave' was like a hit into my heart. And because of that, I couldn't really enjoy it, while I'd surely like to. "Helping you to arrive in this world cost me about 10 hours and lot of pain and struggle."

"Uh…" I said, feeling somehow guilty, but my mind was still occupied. "Well, I'm sorry."

"You can't be sorry that you were born, silly!" she said. "Because despite the pain, it was the happiest moment in my life!"

"Really?"

"As if you didn't know…" she murmured. "Of course it was! What would my life be like, if I didn't have you?"

"Much better, I think…" I said sadly.

"WHAT? What makes you think that?" she asked puzzled.

"W… well, you're raising me only by yourself and don't have time for any fun…"

"Raising you is the best fun I had in my whole life, Ai," she said smiling.

"It is?" I asked surprised.

"Of course," she assured with a smile. "Being a mother is a wonderful experience. It makes you proud that you created a life. It makes you proud seeing your child slowly growing up, day by day thanks to your love and care. It makes you indescribably happy when your child is paying your love back." She smiled. "It makes you proud that your hard work has paid off with a smart and pretty young girl." She looked at me with a sweet and warm smile. Oh, how I loved when she was doing it! I always felt so… loved and needed then… "You'll be aware of that when you'll be a mother, too." I suddenly felt sad again.

"I don't know if I'd like to," I muttered sadly, looking away.

"Why?" she asked dumbfounded.

"If I would have children… they could suffer later like I do right now…" She obviously understood what I meant. She embraced me and looked into my eyes.

"Life doesn't only have pleasant moments, Ai."

"I know…" I whispered. "But… why? Why it doesn't?"

"Because if there wouldn't be any sad moments, we wouldn't appreciate the cheerful ones." She always surprised me with such wise phrases… Yeah, she was a truly wise woman…

"But I…" I tried to say something but I was unable to find the right words. "I don't need any sad moments to appreciate the cheerful ones! I know too well my life has been good and I really appreciate it!" There was a short silence for a while. "And I… will never feel happy again…"

"Don't say that," she whispered encouragingly.

"I can't imagine being happy…" I kept falling into a depression.

"Maybe you can't right now, but time heals wounds…"

"You mean too much for me…" I cut her off. "I couldn't possibly forget about you…" I started shivering again.

"And who's telling you to forget?" she said calmly. "I just meant being over it. It doesn't mean to completely forget about me." I shook my head.

"I couldn't be over it…"

"Oh, come on," she said. "My daughter is a strong person, isn't she?"

"Uh? Umm, w-well…"

"Ai," she said, trying to calm me down. "This won't be easy at all, I'm aware of it. I know it will be actually the hardest thing in your life. But… you'll manage to come to terms with it, after some time. Maybe that won't be a short time, but I have faith in you." I looked up at her, a bit surprised. "Just remember – I couldn't be more proud of you than I'm now. You're the biggest treasure of my life." Now, my whole body was shivering, trying not to cry again. Anyway, something was still bothering me.

"Mom… why are you so calm about your…" I gulped, but I was finally able somehow to say 'that' word out loud. "… death?" She sighed.

"Because I had enough time to think about it and come to terms with it. Good thing you didn't notice that earlier… because I wouldn't probably be ready to talk with you back then. It wasn't easy at all for me…"

"Actually," I said. "I noticed that a lot earlier, but I didn't find enough courage…"

She embraced me very tightly, and caressed my cheek. I could see some tears in her eyes, even though they weren't as watery as mine.

"And now you have to find a lot of it," she whispered.

A simple small talk… Something that's really nothing much… But it's unbelievable how it can help one. You just exchange some words with someone and you're much calmer… Yet… there are some things you'll never accept. No matter how much you'd like to. That was one of these things… Even though I felt a little calmer, I still felt depressed, sad, and mostly just scared. I tried to live with it, but it was too hard. Show me any 14 year old who wouldn't feel depressed knowing her beloved mother will die very soon! I tried to be with her as often as I could, knowing that soon I wouldn't be able to. I even considered leaving school, but I already knew mom would never allow this. I was never a spoiled child. Just because she loved me didn't mean she was letting me do anything. Of course she wasn't! But she was just able to refuse very calmly and explain why. Even though I could be surely persistent when I was little…

Every time I looked at her – grimacing in pain – I felt like crying. And most of times I indeed did cry. She was very patient with me. When I needed comfort and encouragement – she gave me them. She amazed me. How could she live like nothing had changed at all?

Her reply was "I don't want to live two lives – 'before' and 'after'. I want to live normally… as far as I can." It terrified me. It could seem logical, but… behind it was the proof of the fact I will lose her, soon… I was about to cry – again – when I felt her warm arm around me. I looked up at her. She had a calm, yet so serious face.

"Ai…" she began after a few moments of silence. "I'll tell you some words which describe my meaning of happiness." She stopped for a moment. I stared at her silently, waiting her to continue. "I'm happy when my life is happy."

"Well… it was obvious for me you are depressed…"

"Right now, indeed." I just nodded sadly and dropped my head. Could she feel otherwise when nearing death? She didn't have to tell me something that obvious.

"… Because you're depressed." I shot up my head immediately.

"What… what it has to do with me?" She surprised me with a little smile.

"And who you are, if not my whole life?" I looked at her, totally shocked.

"I… I…" I gulped. "Mom…" I whispered softly. Instead of a useless trying to find the right words, I hugged her tightly. And it meant everything I wanted to say.

"Remember," she said when we part, with that calmness that always amazed me. "I'm happy when you're happy and sad when you're sad. It's been always like that since you were born."

"I can't be happy because… " I tried to say, but she cut me off.

"Ai, listen, if you'll keep remind me and yourself of it, it won't change anything. You will just cause our both more pain. Do you really want to depress me?" she asked. There was a trace of sadness in her voice.

"I… I don't want to… I'm sorry, mommy!" Her face brightened a little.

"It's okay… I understand it's hard for you…" I nodded, and decided to ask her about something.

"How come you are such great mother for me?" She smiled widely immediately. I can't remember when I saw her that happy. Probably never.

"You know, it's the biggest compliment I heard in my whole life."

"It's not a compliment." Now, it was my turn to smile. "It's just true."

"The reason is, as you have already said back then," (that 'back then' was how we called the day I found out about her illness) "it's because I love you."

"Almost every mother loves her child. And yet I can't think of anyone who's as good mother as you." It seemed I made her even happier – if that was still possible.

"Maybe it's because we have only each other?"

"Probably yes."

We silenced for a while, just looking at each other, smiling widely for a long time.

"You know," I eventually broke the silence. "I think it's also because you're very wise." She shook her head, still smiling.

"No. Most of that all life wisdom is exactly from maternity."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I gained a lot of experience just being your mother. It changed my life very drastically… but for the better."

"You can't tell me you were stupid before I was born!" I said half-jokingly.

"Oh, it was just a knowledge. Just a science. Don't mistake it with the ability to make the right decisions in life." She suddenly looked in distance and her smile dropped in an instant. "I wasn't wise at all back then. Not at all…" she whispered.

I gave her a dumbfounded look.

"What do you mean, mom?"

But she just shook her head and tried her best to smile again.

"Never mind that now." I just nodded.

Thanks to that talk, we managed to avoid the sad topics and sometimes even cheer up each other a bit. But neither of us could really forget…

It didn't take long until they had to take her into the hospital. Definitely too quick for me. Even though I was the one who suggested that. I just couldn't look at her terrible pain and suffering. I always felt my heart splitting in two then. Again, she tried to say that she wants to live normally as long as it's possible. This time, I was the one who said something in the matter, which was usually used by her.

"And I think it's no longer possible."

Surprisingly, she didn't argue with that.

Despite that, I felt as if it was a turning point in my life; a point from where it started to slip down constantly.

Since then, the hospital became actually my home. If I didn't have to go to the school, I would most likely live there. The doctors and nurses were almost my family. That went mostly for doctor Wakau. He's been mother's doctor and most of all her good friend since long ago, when he started to control her pregnancy. Who knows, maybe if he wasn't so old (already past 65), maybe there could be something between these two? In any case, he was always our trusted friend so it was no surprise he wandered around the hospital with his head down, being silent the whole time. Every time he met me on his way, he whispered only one word: 'courage', and passed me by. But I didn't need courage. I needed comfort. It's a pity that such good doctor didn't see something that obvious. Then again, he wasn't a psychologist… maybe he could barely handle this by himself…

I spent most of the time of that part of my life next to my mother's bed. It needed a lot of courage, actually. There were many times when I really wanted to just run away from that horrible sight: my beloved, dear mother, laying on the hospital bed in pain, with a look of the death in her eyes and barely even conscious, whispering only a few words to me; or even completely unconscious.

Of course there were also better days, when she felt a little healthier. We talked about many things then. We often reminded ourselves of our cheerful times. But we also had serious talks about what will happen 'after'. I tried to be strong, but I just couldn't. No matter how strong I tried to be. I think she understood that. Every time I cried I could feel her warm hand on mine and see her encouraging smile. She tried to encourage me! Even though I should be the one doing that for her!

She attempted many times to assure me she loves me no matter what, and that I'm the most important thing in the world for her. And that she can't imagine living without me. And she said she doesn't anything else. But… I honestly don't know if that was the whole truth. Actually, I can remember times when I was a little girl and was taking peeks from my room. Back then, I could see her looking through the window with a sad look on her face. Though I don't know what she was thinking about, I understand it's very hard for a woman to raise her child only by herself. Yet, she managed to give me that amount of love and care I needed. And that's another reason I loved her for. And I still do. And I'll never stop.

I don't wish anyone to witness what I witnessed those days… Every day she grew weaker and weaker… The last days she wasn't conscious anymore. She woke up a week before she died. That last week… she couldn't talk anymore, but… I saw it. I could see in her eyes she wanted me to be close. And I spent all the time I could hugging her, knowing somehow she wanted that.

And one of those days… she had finally gone silently and peacefully. In my arms…

I don't have any idea how long I've been crying, still hugging her cooling lifeless body. The next thing I remember is doctor Wakau's hand on my arm and his face, full of sorrow. "You can't do anything for her anymore." he whispered. My throat was too itchy, so I just slowly nodded… and finally did what I wanted to do much earlier: I ran away…

Soon, I was transferred into the child's house. I felt like with mom's death I've lost my will to live. I didn't talk much to anyone. One could even say I was taking it surprisingly well, but only because he hasn't looked through my soul. Inside me, everything died with her. Everything.

I didn't go to the funeral. I didn't want to see her dead. I always wanted to remember her alive… smiling warmly at me. And I will remember her like that. Forever.

Author notes: Whew! That's probably the most difficult thing I've even written! Probably that's why it took me so long! I know many of you were wondering if it's been canceled or not… As you can see – it hasn't. I just had to make it good enough. And I still feel it's not good at all… I didn't make it touching enough and I left many plot-holes… well, okay, but please be gentle with me, this is my first fic, for crying out loud!

Oh, one more thing: don't say "Hey, you don't really know what Ai must have felt so it's not really convincing." Well, I'm sorry if you think like that. But believe me: I know pretty much what she was going through. And before you ask: No, both of my parents are thankfully well. But my beloved grandmother who lived with us ever since I was born HAD a kidneys cancer (even though she was dying slower than Naru in this fic). I know a grandmother isn't someone as close as mother, but… we had almost as great bond as Ai had with Naru. She died when I was eleven. Well, looks like I've kinda told you how I got the idea for this fic, huh?

Either way, I hope you liked it.

L-Voss