Moonlight Silhouette
Chapter Twelve
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By the time we found the cave my teeth were chattering. It wasn't cold exactly but I was soaking wet. Lord Sesshoumaru handed me a dry blanket and quickly made a fire. He turned his back to me as I peeled off my wet kimono and wrapped the blanket around me.
He didn't change his clothes. But the material dried fast as he stood by the fire.
I sat on the ground and stared at the flames until my eyes burned. Boredom and discomfort had become givens. But now I wanted more. I wanted him.
"Do you remember the village, Lord Sesshoumaru?" I asked. He raised his narrowed eyes from the fire.
"Of course." He said. "What do you mean?"
What could I say? Oh, when I told you I loved you? And, yeah, when you were asleep, I kissed you! I stared back into his eyes in which I found a question.
"Um." I began eloquently. "Umm...uh..yeah there was that one night?" I felt like an idiot already.
"Yes. I remember." He said.
"Um..I thought you were uh..asleep, but maybe..um I mean, I said something and uh..well..you may not have been asleep?" Great. Just great. I was out of my mind. Crazy. Insane. He stared back at me for a while. I felt like yelling; say something! at him. I felt my face getting redder and redder, hotter and hotter. Did he want to torture me? I saw from his golden eyes that he understood exactly what I meant. "Um." the sound slipped traitorously from my mouth. Stupid, treacherous brain.
Part of my wanted to hear his answer. But part of me wanted to run very far away and hide somewhere where he would never, ever find me. I was seriously considering the second option when he spoke.
"Rin, we cannot." He said it gently, almost tenderly. My eyes filled instantly. I had known all along that he was not in love with me but to hear it spoken, by him, made it so devastatingly final.
"W-what?" I said softly, feeling all of a sudden very small in the cramped cave. Even as I willed the tears not to fall they did, sliding down my hot cheeks. His golden eyes widened and he looked almost scared..or sad, it was hard to tell, for a moment. I felt as if my throat was closing up. I was going to choke...
"I am sorry." He almost whispered, "But you are just a girl. And, it-it would..not be right,"
I pressed my lips together. Lord Sesshoumaru looked more distressed than I had ever seen him. He looked pained. I had never heard him trip over words before. Until now.
"Right? Who cares about right when it is just us!" I wanted to sound bold but sounded shaky instead.
He didn't reply, but turned his face away from me. I guessed it was because he didn't want me to see his expression.
"Do you love me?" I whispered. The words bounced around the stale air. He kept his face in the shadows. I finally saw the slight, almost imperceptible tilt of his head. I felt faint and then realized I was holding my breath. "Do you love me?" I asked again, louder this time. Tears still ran down my face, dripping down my chin. But I didn't let myself cry out.
He finally looked at me from across the fire, face as shut-off as ever. But there was an inkling of something dark behind the golden walls. I didn't tear my eyes from his, only a coward would do such a thing. I didn't want him to keep hiding from the truth anymore. I needed him to meet it, head-on. Just like he did his enemies.
I could almost see scenes of the last few days-flashing through his eyes. Him holding me in the rain. Moonlight. My hands in his. My lips on his cheek. Our bodies moving closer...him saying thank you...
He shifted over, so he was next to me instead of across. I almost drew away from the sudden movement, but I stopped myself.
I knew that Lord Sesshoumaru wasn't speaking because he didn't want to. He wasn't speaking because he didn't know what to say.
"I love you." I whispered. "I do. And even you can't change that."
And then there was a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. At the same time it was tender and reassuring and it also seemed fierce and unpredictable.
Passion. I thought, That is what passion looks like. I felt something snatch my hand and then I realized it was him. Then his face was coming closer and closer to mine...
He brushed his lips against my tear-stained cheek. He had never kissed me before. He may have meant it as a fatherly sort of gesture but nothing could help the fact that he kissed me as a lover might. And he didn't pull away.
It took me a while to realize that I was in Lord Sesshoumaru's arms. Once I did I let my body relax, melting into his fierce embrace. I felt his breath on the back of my neck and I buried my head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his comforting scent.
"Is this your way of saying yes?" I asked, my voice muffled. I was pretty sure I felt him nod against me. I felt myself smile.
I laid a gentle kiss on his neck. He stiffened. "We can't do this." He murmered, still managing to sound emotionless.
"Why not?" I said. "You love me don't you?" He pulled away. All of a sudden I felt embarrassed.
"Rin." He breathed, "Please. Understand. You are human. I am a demon. Anything we have together will be but a fleeting memory."
"Not for me!" I said tearfully.
"But then I'll lose you." He whispered.
"You'll be strong." I said. He tore his eyes from my face, staring into the heart of the flames once more.
"Stop." He murmered. "You have no idea..." His eyes locked with mine once more.
"Fine." I felt my heart sink, knowing that I couldn't torture him anymore. "I'm sorry I said anything." I thought that then he'd leave my side, but he stayed.
"Rin. If the circumstances had been different I would have made you mine." He whispered, sending shivers down my back as his words brushed my neck. But all he did was make me want him more.
"Circumstances!" I cried, grabbing his hand and holding it to my chest. "Please, just one kiss." I murmered, bringing my face within inches of his. Words like brazen scurried through my mind, but I paid them no heed. He pulled his hand loose from mine and tilted my chin up with two fingers. My breath caught in my throat and I knew he was going to do it.
I shut my eyes as his lips brushed mine, and felt as though waves were crashing over me. The gentle kiss turned into something more powerful as our lips melted together, bodies drawing closer. His arm was around my shoulders, pulling me into him, then on the back of my neck, warm against my bare skin. I raised one of my hands, with the other still holding the blanket around me, running it through his hair.
At that point he seemed to forget that he was kissing me, a seventeen year old mortal. He deepened the kiss. I let out a soft gasp as he closed his fingers around the back of my neck, his tongue trailing across the roof of my mouth. I was pretty sure I heard him growl softly.
Then he seemed to remember it was me. He drew back, panting slightly. I felt as if I could be glowing. It was my first kiss(sort of) with him. My mouth curled into a smile, but Lord Sesshoumaru looked stricken.
"That should not have happened." He said, turning away from me. "I am sorry Rin."
"Don't be." I said, I hadn't wanted that kiss to end.And now I felt as if I was muffled. I could barely hear my own voice, let alone realize that I was speaking. "Please." I laid my hand on his thigh and he stiffened at the touch.
"You are just a girl." He said quietly, as if he was disgusted with himself. A tone of voice I had never heard him use.
"No. You must not feel bad about this. It was my fault." I said hollowly, happiness fading away. "We'll just pretend it never happened." I muttered, miserable. But I kept my hand firmly on his leg, willing him to disagree with me.
Though his face was shut off , I saw a deep struggle going on in his golden eyes. He didn't take his eyes away from me and I saw him weighing different options behind the stark expression on his face. I bit my lip and tried to convince the tears not to fall.
My body had always been a traitor to my thoughts. Growing long and lean when I wanted to be small and curvy. Giving me wavy hair when I wanted it straight. Making me frightened when I was trying to be brave. And now the tears were slipping down my cheeks again, making Lord Sesshoumaru even more disconcerted.
"Don't cry." He spoke as if giving an order, his velvety voice was slightly hoarse. He covered my small hand with his large, slender one.
"I-I can't." I said through quivering lips. Then Lord Sesshoumaru did something altogether unexpected; he drew me close to his body once more, holding me tightly with his one arm. I raised both my arms up around his shoulders this time and the blanket slipped down a bit, barring my shoulders and the tops of my breasts.
He was trying to comfort me but I found no comfort in an embrace from one who-only moments ago-I had known so intimately.
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AN: Aack...drowning in FLUFF! lol. Hope you enjoyed and THANK YOU all for your wonderful reviews ;)