A/N: Hey, the fic actually got recognized. How cool. First off, thanks to everyone for Reviewing. I would put up a Review response thing, but, according to some, we're not allowed to. I personally think that's a crock of shit, but why risk it? I mean, yeah, I would respond to the Reviews, but I like the idea of this fic too much to want to put it in danger. I'll do it on a fic that I don't care so much about. Second, we have some Triforce90 Cookies to hand out!
The following people receive a cookie: SpiderSquirrel.
Good job, Spidey. The rest of you got owned.
Robin sat on the large couch in the Titans' living room. As Dawn spread over the world her fingertips of rose, Robin couldn't help but enjoy the quietness in the tower. All of his comrades were asleep… Well, except Raven, but who cares about her? She's nonexistent anyways. The point I'm trying to make is that the tower itself seemed to be enjoying the quiet of dawn. The wind wasn't blowing, the birds weren't chirping, and the ocean was extremely calm. It was as if time itself had stopped, causing everything to become eerily still.
(A/N: If you know what book that's from, tell me and you'll get a Triforce90 Cookie! Should be rather easy… if you're in high school.)
"BEAST BOY!"
In an interesting Doppler effect, a female's voice began to spread its way through the Tower, knocking books off shelves and making the water in toilets ripple. The wind began to blow. Birds began to chirp. The ocean grew violent. Then, as soon as it happened, it stopped.
Once again, all was still.
Robin put a hand to his forehead, trying to suppress a growing migraine. What the hell was that all about?
Robin guessed that he was soon to find out, however, when Raven came storming into the living room. She didn't even seem to notice Robin sitting there on the couch… Otherwise, she would have at least glared at him. Instead, she just kept marching. She was obviously heading towards the changeling's room.
"Raven?" asked Robin.
"WHAT?"
As soon as the word escaped her lips, dogs began to bark, thunder began to boom, and crickets began to chirp.
Once again, all was still.
"Is there something wrong?"
"YES!"
Hell froze over, Antarctica grew a couple of volcanoes, and every single cow in Wisconsin mooed… AT THE SAME TIME!
Once again, all was still.
"Do you have to raise your voice every time you speak?" asked Robin. "You're about to cause the world to go completely out of balance."
"Oh," said Raven. "Yes. Sorry."
"So. What's the problem?"
"Look at this!"
Raven threw a newspaper into Robin's lap. As soon as it landed, chunks of cereal leaked out of the newspaper and fell in-between the couch cushions.
"Oops," said Raven. "I forgot I opened those… They were a sample."
"Ah," said Robin. After brushings some loose bits of marshmallow off of his SPANDEX TIGHTS, he noticed what Raven was looking at.
RAVEN: A SUPERHERO OR PORN STAR?
"Look at the picture!" said Raven. "I'm so freaking fat!"
Indeed, she was freaking fat. Robin then suddenly realized that Raven had been referring to the picture. …Now that was fat! The picture was that of Raven, an angry look on her face with her palm reaching out. Apparently, she was trying to push the camera away from her face.
"Read the article," said Raven.
As Robin's freaky nonexistent pupils ran over the print, he suddenly understood why Raven seemed to be so mad at the changeling.
On September 5, Raven and fellow companions, Beast Boy and Starfire, were spotted at the mall. Though no autograph signings were held, reporters and fans alike were shocked when they heard the latest gossip.
"It was so unreal!" says Dr. Keara, a psychiatrist, age ?. "I mean, sure, you'd think that somebody wearing a leotard like that would be a slut, but I didn't actually think the public would find out! I thought I was the only one that knew!"
What Dr. Keara (who is now willing to accept the fact that she's not a certified psychiatrist see section 2B) is referring to is that at the mall that very same day, Beast Boy, a partner of Raven's, exclaims that he saw the dark girl nude. As soon as the words escaped his mouth, Raven literally tackled the changeling and began beating him senseless. Starfire, who was standing idly beside her friends at the time, apparently lost interest and went to do something else.
"Raven and Beast Boy fight like that all the time at the tower," says Starfire. "The rest of the team and I have grown to ignore it."
Many Beast Boy fans began to try to pull Beast Boy away from the wrath of the dark girl, but their attempts failed. Two people were sent to the hospital with minor blood stains.
After the fight was broken up by a cockroach that had crawled up Raven's leg and distracted her, many people began to disperse. A couple of people thought that the fight was an act and gave the two Titans a total of fifty dollars and billiards balls. The Titans accepted and refuse to give the money back.
Many people would have just left the story there, but your reporters at the Jump City Times decided to investigate on how Beast Boy may have seen Raven nude. Some people at the office suspected that Raven and Beast Boy were secretly married or, perhaps, having a relationship for sex and sex only. Of course, reporters cannot just believe only ideas, so we began to investigate further. We started by looking at different websites on the Internet.
One of the websites we found was an interesting one… The name of the website will not be written for copyright reasons. On one section of the website, however, there was a picture of Raven, completely naked and striking a very risqué pose. Of course, it was only a drawing, but this raised suspicions when we noticed that the artist had signed his name at the bottom of the page. The artist was none other than Michael Winston.
In case if you don't know who that is, Michael Winston is a famous artist that pays celebrities to pose nude for him so he can sketch them and post them online. Most people do not know that he collects a profit for doing so. Due to the fact that he makes a profit, he is official a pornography producer.
So, if Raven had actually posed for Winston, she would be a porn star! Could this be how Beast Boy had seen his companion nude? And what other dark secrets do the Titans have that we might not know about? We plan to investigate.
"That's a very… um… interesting article," said Robin, handing the paper back to Raven. "You didn't actually pose, did you?"
"Of course not," replied the girl. "Look at the hips. The proportions are all wrong."
Robin looked down and, to his amazement, the picture that had apparently been posted online was included at the bottom of the article. Leaves covered appropriate places… but it was still odd to see one of his friends in such an awkward position. Turning to the hips, he saw that there was nothing out of the ordinary…
Robin looked at the real Raven's hips and studied them. He then turned back to the picture. "No they're not," he said.
"Yes they are. My hips aren't that bony."
Robin observed the picture, observed his friend, then looked back at the picture. "They're not out of…"
"Yes. They are. And that's all that matters."
Raven snatched the article from her friend's hands. She then began to leave, but she didn't have to go much farther until Beast Boy walked into the room.
"I could kill you right now, Beast Boy…" growled Raven.
"Oh…" began the green boy. "You saw it?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Okay."
The two teens stood there; Raven was glaring at Beast Boy while he was trying to look at something other than the girl in front of him. This didn't last a long time, however, due to the fact that Starfire came bursting into the living room.
"I AM AAAAAALL PACKED!" she shouted.
"Good," said Robin from the couch. "We're going to leave at about… two."
Beast Boy and Raven, now undistracted by the sudden intrusion, went back to their awkward moment. Starfire made her way towards Robin and sat next to him.
"By the way," said Starfire. "I noticed that you had not finished packing yet, so I did it for you."
"Um…" began Robin. "Thanks, I guess."
"I have packed your stuffed bear, your blanket, and your bottle of… some kind of… slippery stuff."
"Um…:" said Robin once again. "Thanks."
"No problem! I know how you cannot go without the bottle of slippery stuff, so I bought you another bottle yesterday after our incident at the mall!"
"Really?" asked Robin, perking up. Then, back in a normal state, he said, "Thank you."
"Raven had told me that it was very odd that I would buy something like that, and Beast Boy muttered something, but then I told them it was for you and how you use it everyday and they began to laugh. Why would they laugh, Robin?"
"Oh yeah," said Beast Boy, who had apparently heard Starfire telling her story. "That was funny."
Raven chuckled.
Robin blushed. Then, realizing something, he asked, "How did you know I… had that stuff?"
"Looking through your stuff," replied the Tamaranian. "Why?"
"Just curious," said Robin, feeling no sense of relief. He knew it would be embarrassing if his friends had found out he used some of the most expensive and unusual hair gel around, made from the wackiest stuff, but he just had to have it!
(A/N: That joke doesn't seem like it was very well explained… Ah well.)
"I can't believe you use that stuff," said Beast Boy. "Only freaks use it… Do you know what it's made out of? I mean… dandelions? What the crap?"
"They don't use dandelions in that stuff," said Raven, correcting him. "They use daffodils, but not dandelions."
"Same thing."
"It's also got salamander excretion."
"Ha! Yeah, I remember that… And what else? Essence of blister liquid?"
"Disgusting…"
"And pus. Don't forget the pus."
"Ew…"
"And bile."
Raven put a hand over her mouth and left the room.
"You made that up," said Robin.
"Yeah," grinned Beast Boy. "Except the bile thing. That's real."
"There's no bile in it," said Robin. "Concentrated bile, but not bile."
It was then that the Titans each went around the tower, doing their own stuff. Robin went to the training room to work on his "oh so cool" kung fu moves, Starfire went to her room to… do something… Beast Boy went to his room and got on AIM, bitching to a girl named dr0pd3adpr3tty about nothing, and Raven came out of the bathroom, fanning the air in front of her nose.
As Raven began to make her way up to her room, Cyborg came up from the garage.
"All set?" asked the robot.
"Almost. I've got a couple of books to pack… You know, so I can read on the way there. Other than that, I'm going to teleport all my stuff to the house, but I think everyone else is ready."
Cyborg nodded and headed up to his room.
The readers, I'm sure, are probably sitting there thinking "What the…". The sentence, of course, could be finished in many ways: "What the hell?", "What the pot?", "What the cracker?", and other stuff. The answer to that question shall now be revealed.
Yes, the cracker. The cracker over there. Behind you.
If you actually turned around… congratulations. You amuse me. If you didn't, good job.
Now then, back to the fic…
It appears that, due to Starfire's sudden wealth (now evenly distributed throughout the team), the Titans decided that they should buy a fancy mansion that didn't fit the styles of any of them. However, they decided that they would make it all fancy for themselves… That is to say, it would be like a custom made model after they moved in.
The mansion itself was in New Port, Rhode Island. As said a couple of times now, it was very fancy; in front of it was a five acre yard, complete with opium pop… uh… rose bushes, a white marble fountain, and yellow tulips surrounding the fountain.
The fountain itself was (that's right… was) a statue of a cupid peeing water. However, the Titans found that way too… disgusting, and decided that it should be removed. The fountain was replaced by another white marble fountain, but this time of a large statue of Buddha (not the fat Chinese Buddha… the original Buddha). The reason why was unknown… But it looked cool, so in it went.
Anyway… Back at the tower, the Titans had just finished loading up their luggage into the T-Car. They were all ready-steady for their long, boring trip from Jump City to New Port!
(A/N: I don't know where Jump City is supposed to be… but in this, it's New York. If someone knows where it's supposed to be, could you tell me?)
"Everyone ready?" asked Cyborg.
"Ready Freddy," creepily said the Titans in unison.
"Then let's go!"
With the power of seven-hundred horses, two mules, a donkey, and a goat, the Titans were off.
"Let's do it with Robin now! Robin robin bow bobbin. Banana nana fo fobbin. Me my mo mobbin. Robin!"
"Pull the car over," said Raven from the front. "She can fly, for all I care."
"We've only got about ten minutes left," said Cyborg from behind the wheel. "Besides, it's not that bad."
"Let's try… Chuck! Chuck Chuck bo buck. Banana nana fo…"
"Hey Cy," said Beast Boy. "Turn it to the All Triforce90 channel."
"I'm trying to concentrate in this traffic right now," said Cyborg, being passed by a SUV with "PARTAY HARDAY!" written on the back window with shoe polish. "Could you do it, Rae?"
"Yeah, yeah," said Raven, grumpily. "What channel is it?"
"98.7."
"What is the All Triforce90 channel?" asked Starfire.
"It's a channel that plays only songs some weird nut likes or dances to," said Robin. "It's not that popular, but he plays some good stuff… Like this one!"
"When you're old and your eyes are dim
There ain't no old Shep gonna happen again!"
As if on cue, every singe Titan, except Cyborg, of course, clapped their hands twelve times to the rhythm.
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP!
"We'll still go walkin' down country lanes
I'll sing a simple song
Hear me call your name!"
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! CLAP CLAP!
The Titans then all shouted "STRIDER!"
"That's such a great song…" said Raven. "Too bad we missed all of it."
"You're listening to the All Triforce90 channel," said a voice on the radio. "Songs that don't suck… too much."
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!"
"Oh!" said Starfire, clapping her hands. "It is my song!"
"Oh God…" said Beast Boy. "Please don't bring that up…"
"What are you talking about?" asked Cyborg from the front of the car.
"When you were sick that one time," said Raven, "you went to bed, and for the rest of the night we didn't have much to do. Well, one of us… I forgot who, had the crazy idea that we should go to a club. Well, that was a bad idea to begin with, but we were bored out of our minds any…"
"Are you sure this is the right place?" asked Raven, pulling into a parking space.
"Absolutely" said Beast Boy.
"It is rather… freaky."
"There's nothing to be worried about," said Beast Boy.
"I dunno," said Robin. "It looks like some pretty messed up people would be here."
"Ah, that's just because we're parked next to this truck with a body that's way too high off its tires."
"It looks like it's supposed to be that way," said Raven, getting out of the car, "since it's a monster truck, and all."
The four began to make their way up to the club's entrance. Beast Boy was walking quite boldly for such a place… It was obvious he had been here once or twice. Robin seemed to look like he was on his guard while Starfire kept a good two inches behind him, somewhat afraid. Raven, on the other hand, was far ahead of the others and didn't really seem to care about what might lie ahead of her.
"It's… a strip club?"
Raven stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she took one step inside the building. The other Titans, not expecting her to stop so abruptly, lightly bumped into her.
The place was jam-packed with a large amount of men; big men, short men, thin men, fat men, nerdy men who couldn't get a date, macho man that probably have herpes and have passed it around to five different girls… the list went on and on.
"I thought you said this was a friendly environment," said Robin.
"Hey hottie," said a random chick that came up to Robin. "Do you have any more room in your tights?"
"Holy…" began Raven.
"Go away, Trisha," said Beast Boy, brushing the girl off Robin. "I've got to show these people around." Beast Boy made a gesture to the other three.
Trisha pouted her lips and walked away.
"I never did like her… Anyways, you guys go do something."
"Question," said Starfire.
Beast Boy motioned for her to continue.
"I thought you said we could get refreshments… Where do we get them and how?"
"Over at the bar." Beast Boy pointed to a large bar surrounded by many people. "You guys have fun now. I'm off to… roam."
"I thought you were going to show us around," said Robin as Raven and Starfire headed over to the bar.
"That was just to get away from Trisha… If you really need a guide, the place isn't that big at all. I'm sure you could find you're way around alright." And with that, Beast Boy was off.
Over at the bar, Raven and Starfire began to look for a seat. This was not easy, however, because it was swarmed by men of all shapes and sizes. Most of them appeared to be bikers with excruciatingly bad body odor, but they managed.
"Shall we sit here?"
Raven saw Starfire gesture to two empty seats. She nodded and the girls sat down.
"Can I get you something?" asked the bar tender. "Beer? Whiskey? Rum?"
"Apple juice, please," said Starfire.
"Tea."
"Um..." began the bar tender. "I'm not sure we have either of that stuff… Could I get you something else?"
"Grape juice."
"Apple cider."
"Sorry, but I don't think we have that stuff, either…" The bar tender looked sad for the girls. He then beamed, however, and said, "Since we can't seem to get anything for you girls, how about I give each of you a free shot of vodka?"
"OK."
"Sure."
The bar tender smiled and turned to prepare the drinks.
Meanwhile, the girls turned around in their chairs and observed the people in front of them. It was the same crowd as they had entered… No one appeared to have left the building. Beast Boy could be seen way in the back, talking to a group of girls with way too much makeup and little clothing. To their surprise, however, they didn't seem to be talking dirty… In fact, if they focused hard enough (and with the help of their awesome inhuman hearing), they could actually hear the conversation.
"You're absolutely wrong, Bernice," said Beast Boy to a brown-haired girl. "CNN is not better than FOX. FOX pwns all."
"You are, like, such a sleaze!" said Bernice. "CNN is teh awesome, baby!"
"You're, like, both high," said a blonde-haired girl. "I mean… Oh my gawd. It's so obvious! CBS is the best!"
"No way Girlfriend!" said a redhead. "NBC could go over to any of those stations and give them a spankin'! Like this!" The redhead smacked herself on the behind.
"Get outta here, foo'!" said a black girl, doing a Z-Snap. "The Weather Channel is bitchin'!"
The five began to fiercely argue with themselves. Just when the fight was getting extremely good, the bar tender gave them their drinks.
(A/N: I would just like to say that I am not racist in any way, despite of what you might think from reading that thing above. Thank you.)
Meanwhile, Robin didn't seem to be having as good of a time…
"No way! He's mine!"
"No! I saw him first!"
"But he likes me better! Don't you?"
Robin shrugged.
"He's obviously confused as to who to pick… Come on, Boy! Pick me!"
"No! Pick me!"
"Maybe he doesn't swing that way," said a man that came up to the arguing hookers.
Robin ran away… Far, far away.
"Good grief…" said Robin, panting for air as he slowed down, far away from the two girls and guy. "What is wrong with these people?"
"HIYA, ROBBY!"
Robin looked to his right and dropped his jaw.
"Starfire?"
"She had a little too much to drink," said Raven.
Starfire looked terrible… Her cheeks and nose were cherry red, her eyes were bloodshot, and her hair was a mess. She had her arms over Raven's shoulders, who seemed to be struggling to hold the girl up. Starfire's knees, however, were wobbling, despite the support from her friend.
"Are you okay?" asked Robin, his concern taking over. "Do you need to lie down?"
"Don't be… silly!" said Starfire, pointing a finger at Robin. "I'm fine! But man, I don't know WHAT they put in that… that… that vodka ssssstuff, but it makes you feel grrrreat!"
Beast Boy walked up to his friends. "What's wrong with her?" he asked, pointing to Starfire.
"NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ME!" shouted Starfire. "NOW GET…" Starfire was interrupted, for she had taken her arm off of Raven and had begun to fall down.
"Whoa ho ho ho!" she said as she grabbed onto Robin's shoulders. "Save me, Robby Poo!"
"This is just too funny…" said Raven to Beast Boy. "I have to go get my camera from the car."
"Ooooh nope, nope, nope nope nope!" said Starfire, grabbing onto Raven. Then, grabbing Beast Boy, she began to squeeze all three of them in a group hug. "I want aaaaall my friends to be with me!"
It was then that the room began to get darker. Several strobe lights came on and girls in sexy g-string underwear began to come out and dance erotically.
"Yes, yes," said Raven, shoving a dollar into the g-string of a girl that came up and started dancing next to her. "Move along, now."
On a stage behind the four, several other girls were pole dancing. In desperate attempts to look seductive, they moved up and down, getting the occasional hoots and hollers from a male from the audience.
"THOSE GIRLS ARE DOING IT ALL WRONG!" said Starfire. To the horror of the other Titans, she climbed onto the top of the stage made her way over to a microphone.
"Atten… Attention!" shouted the Tamaranian.
The girls stopped dancing and collecting money… The guys stopped hooting and hollering.
"Yeah. Yeah, my name's Starfire, and I would just like to say that… that uh… that… that YOU GUYS SUCK! Yeah… Yeah, that's right! Ha! You didn't expect me to say that now, did you? Nope… Nope, nope nope nope! So I'm going to… uh… ugh… show you how to do it! OK? Yeah! Yeah, you better like it!"
Starfire lazily motioned to turn on some music.
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!"
Guitar chords rang throughout the building and, as soon as they started, Starfire seemed to have lost all signs of being inebriated. She looked out into the audience in a fierce way, then turned to the left and looked at them again. She then gripped her hands into a fist and stuck her butt out. She then mouthed the lyrics.
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!"
The classic dance song began to play even louder as Starfire grabbed onto the pole and slid down. As she slid up, and began to wrap her left leg and the pole, closing her eyes, and making a sexy face. Men began to cheer. Robin and Beast Boy, in the crowd, stared up in amazement. Raven looked like she was going to hurl.
"GIVE ME THE MUSIC!
GIVE ME THE MUSIC!
GIVE ME THE MUSIC!
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
YEAH…
YEAH…
YEAH…
EVERYBODY…
Here is the doe
backed with the bass
The jam is in live effect
And I don't waste time
Or the mike if it don't rhyme
Jump to the rhythm
Jump jump to the rhythm
Jump!"
"Oh… Oh man…" said Starfire, suddenly clutching her stomach. She then turned around and threw up.
"I'm… uh… sorry I wasn't there," said Cyborg, trying his hardest to keep a straight face.
"Overall, it was quite a good experience," said Starfire. "I made a new friend named Shaniqua… She said I was 'where it's at'."
The Titans rolled their eyes as they pulled into Autumn Land, their new neighborhood.
A repetitive hip-hop beat came on the radio.
"Take the base line out.
No? You don't have to.
Bounce with it.
IT'S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE
FOR US!
IT'S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE
FOR US!
Steada' treated!
WE GET TRICKED!
Steada' kisses!
WE GET KICKED!
IT'S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE!"
So messed up… I was going to add on to the chapter, but it was going to be way too long. Hope you don't mind. Leave a shiny Review, please!