A/N: Sorry for not updating sooner everyone. Actually, I don't even feel like I should be apologizing. I mean, it's only a fic, right? …Right.
All I can say is that once I finish The Red Death, I should be able to update this fic on a weekly basis, just like I did my older ones. During that time I'll be thinking of another fic to type, and whether or not that'll delay updates I can't say. However, I do know that I was able to write two humor fics last year at the same time and still be able to update on every Friday; I'm hoping to assume that same method.
Enjoy, and shut up if you don't like it.
Azarath was a very confusing place. Not only did it lack directional signs for travelers on roads and a harbor for the oddly large amount of imported and exported goods, but it also housed a large, multi-storied airport in which any person, young or old, could get lost for hours and get a sudden feeling that they've obtained vertigo.
Such was the case with a girl in a dark blue robe. As she stood there with a large suitcase in her right hand and a map of the airport in her left, she wondered how in the hell a person could get where they were heading in this terrible place.
"It's like Wonderland…" said the youth, staring at nothing in particular. "I have a feeling I've been here before, but I… have…"
The girl looked at the floor in stupidity when realizing she hadn't taken one step ever since she entered the building.
"Well! No matter! I'll just… get my ticket and head to Earth!"
A small grin on her face, the girl looked to the left and the right, wondering where she was supposed to obtain her passport and one-way ticket out of here.
"This is gonna suck."
"Miss? Miss?"
The girl brought her attention back to the front of her, only to realize that she was standing right in front of the baggage check.
The girl only widened her eyes in confusion. "How…?"
A lady standing behind the desk (and from the girl's guess, the one that had been calling for her attention) raised her right eyebrow. "I take it you've never been to the Azarath Inter-dimensional Airport before, have you Miss?"
The girl shook her head. "No I haven't."
"Well, let me help you out here… There you go! Now just keep on walking until you see the big yellow sign. That's where your gate is."
This time, the girl raised an eyebrow. "But you haven't even taken my luggage."
The lady cocked her head to the side. "Whatever are you talking about, Miss?"
"Well, come on. It's right… Where'd it go?"
The lady cleared her throat, causing the girl to look back behind the desk. Sure enough, there was her one suitcase, ready for departure.
"How…?"
"You have a pleasant flight, Miss."
The girl was handed a passport and boarding pass, only to be shoved out of the way by a fat woman in an overcoat. Brushing off her robe, the girl looked ahead of her and stared in shock.
She was told to walk until she saw the large, yellow sign, yes, but which yellow sign?
"What are these people on?" asked the girl as she began walking, the numerous large and yellow signs getting closer and closer. If this didn't make things worse for her, the various gate numbers on each sign only confused her more and more. "Let's see… here's Gate 7… Here's Gate 9… WHICH ONE AM I SUP-"
"Attention all flyers," rang a voice over a PA machine, much like the voice of the woman behind the ticket desk. "Those of you that are taking our non-stop flight to Jump City, California, United States, North America, Earth, The Milky Way, please make your way to Gate 5. Those of you are that are traveling to Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh, India, Asia, Earth, The Milky Way, please make your way over to Gate Ω for more details as to why we cannot play a video other than Three Amigos on the flight. And to those of you that aren't rebelling, thank you for choosing the Azarath Inter-dimensional Airport. We hope we'll see you again! ...Sorta…"
The girl beamed in glee as she realized she was right in front of Gate 5. Marching up to the gate, she became the caboose of a line of at least two-hundred people.
"This is going to take for-"
"Miss? It's your turn, Miss."
Raven had to shake her head in order to believe what she was seeing. Sure enough, for reasons she couldn't explain, she was at the front of the line.
"What…? How…?"
"Enjoy your flight, Miss… Raven!"
The girl could only look down at her hands in shock after the lady shoved her checked ticket back in her palms. Looking up at the woman, she began to open her mouth to speak. However, before her larynx could produce any sound, she was shoved into the jet way by a fat woman in an overcoat.
Showing no signs of restraint, Raven continued to allow the woman to push her down the metallic tube and into the two-story jet. Looking at her ticket, she located her seat and sat down, ready for the seventeen hour flight from Azarath to Jump City, California, United States, North America, Earth, The Milky Way. However, she was somewhat disappointed when the fat lady took a seat right next to her. The woman smiled, and Raven tried her best to smile back, but the result was a wrinkled and nervous grin.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign. Please fasten your seatbelts and relax. Once we reach the appropriate height, the captain will turn the sign off and you will be able to move around the cabin. However, before we take off, our flight attendants will come down the aisles with beverages and bland snacks. Once again, thank you for choosing the Azarath Inter-dimensional Airport, where your comfort is our second priority, the first being able to provide for the jet's fuel!"
"Hello!"
Raven looked into the aisle to find the ticket lady, standing behind a snack cart. Before she could even speak her mind, the flight attendant questioned what she and her "friend" wanted. Raven requested a can of Stark Mad™ soda, while her fat "friend" next to her took nothing.
Taking her soda, Raven stopped the flight attendant from continuing down the aisle.
"Excuse me… I couldn't help but notice that you've given me my ticket, checked my ticket, and given me a drink all within one hour. How are you able to get from place to place, and why don't you just keep one position?"
The flight attendant raised her right eyebrow, much like she did before. "I don't know what you're talking about, Miss."
"But I've seen you! You took my ticket! You checked my ticket! And now you're here, giving me a damn soda! What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?"
The woman gave a faint chuckle. "Why, my dear, you must've met my sisters!"
"…Your sisters."
"Yes! My identical sisters, Judy and Jane!"
"…Judy and… Jane."
"Yep! My other sister, Jolene, is your captain today."
The woman began to make her way down the aisle, but stopped once again. "By the way, Miss, if you ever need me, just ask for Joann."
Raven popped open her soda and took a large gulp. "Judy, Jane, Jolene, and Joann… Wow."
The jet plane began to take off, and within five minutes, the vehicle and its passengers were well beyond the borderline of Azarath and in the gap between dimensions. Raven had just finished her soda (and was feeling rather wired) when the fat woman next to her gently tapped her arm. Turning her head, Raven smiled drunkenly as the woman continued to knit on a scarf.
"My dear," began the woman, "would you like to learn how to knit?"
Before Raven could respond, the woman shoved two needles and a ball of yarn into her lap. Leaning back in her seat, she gave a solemn sigh.
"This is gonna suck."
In a quiet, desolate place, a young man of about thirteen years of age slowly approached his destination on his tricycle. It was one of those humorous scenes in which the rider was slowly making their way along, their body swaying left and right with each squeak made by the training wheels. Five seconds and eleven squeaks later, the boy reached his destination: the local RadioShack™.
Parking his tricycle in a handicap slip, the youth dismounted his cycle and walked inside.
Like the effect all RadioShacks™ have on grown-ups and children alike, the boy was immediately distracted by the many whatzits and gizmos. Of course, he didn't have time to check out everything in the store. The reason he was here wasn't to play with everything only to say that he wasn't going to buy it. No. He was here to pick up a vital piece of equipment.
His destination was clear: to go up to the front desk and request for the item he ordered. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Hello there," said he, walking up to the counter. "My name's Robin, and I'm here to pick something up."
A boy of about the same age, if not a few years older, focused his attention on the customer. He was a very large boy, but that wasn't what caught Robin's attention. The majority of his body was made out of metal, a few parts, such as a bicep and a part of his skull, covered with brown skin. What also brought attention was the bright, red eye he had in replacement of a normal one.
"Hello…" said the cyborg, his good eye half-closed and a hint of grogginess in his voice. "Welcome to RadioShack™. Can I help you with something?"
"Yes…" said Robin, trying to take his attention off the fake eye. "I'm here to pick something up. The name's Robin?"
The android picked up a clipboard and studied it. "Robin… Robin… Ah. Here it is. You're here to pick up a… hearing aid?"
"Right."
A moment of silence caused Robin to shift in uneasiness. For some reason, the android wasn't doing anything to help him with his pickup. He was just… standing there.
"Aren't you going to do something?" he finally asked.
"Huh…?" asked the android. "Oh… What do you need again?"
A faint tie mark began to appear on Robin's forehead as his eyes narrowed. "A hearing aid."
"Oh… That's right. I'm sorry, it's just that I'm new at this job, and I've been working so late that I-"
"Just… get it for me."
"Right."
The android walked away, leaving Robin alone in silence. The tie mark began to disappear and his eyes began to widen. "Just relax…" he told himself, closing his eyes to gain an inner peace. "There's no need to be angry… No need to be angry… No need-"
"Here you go, Sir."
Robin opened his eyes to see a small box in the open palm of the android. Smiling, he took the box and opened it up, examining its small contents.
"Yeah. That looks like the one I ordered."
"Very happy to hear that, Sir. Now will that be cash or charge?"
"Charge."
"Alrighty… There you are, Sir. You have a nice day, Sir."
Smiling widely, Robin turned around and began to leave. However, he was distracted when he heard someone yelling in the back of the store.
"HEY EVERYONE! THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!"
Before he could even react, the store's occupants, from customers to workers, began to run in his direction, causing him to become a lump of trampled meat on the floor. The mob soon cleared up, however, leaving the android and a dazed Robin behind.
"Are you OK, Sir?"
Robin stood up and grabbed his head with his right hand, giving it a shake. "I think so… Just… Where's my hearing aid?"
"I think I found it, Sir."
Robin's mouth dropped open as the android lifted his left foot off the ground. There, on the floor and covered by shadows, was a smashed hearing aid.
"You…" began Robin, staring at the little pieces. "You stepped on my hearing aid…"
"I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean to, Sir."
"You stepped on my hearing aid!"
"Really, Sir. I apologize, Sir."
The android, however, gave out a very loud and feminine shriek when Robin leapt forth and began to strangle him.
"YOU STEPPED ON MY HEARING AID!"
"AAAAAAAAH! 911! 911!"
"I'LL KEEEEEEL YOU!"
"Oh my goodness!" came a voice from outside. "Somebody call 911!"
Robin, however, stood up and abandoned his victim on the floor. Raising his hands into the air, he gave a mighty battle cry and ran out of the store and into the crowded parking lot, where customers, workers, and an ice cream man stood watching in shock.
"THEY'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
With a mighty leap, the boy hopped onto his tricycle and peddled like a maniac. At an amazing five miles per hour, he made his way down the lot and into the highway, only to get run over by a police car.
We now take our reader to a cold, white room, only filled with seven wooden chairs in the formation of a circle. A man in a suit sat in the most northern chair, while the other people surrounded him. These people were not as well-dressed as he was, but each of them had something in common: they all wore expressions that clearly told the man they didn't want to be there.
"Right then…" began to man, clearing his throat and twiddling his thumbs. "Shall we begin?"
Phrases such as "Sure, why not?" and "I guess…" filled the room.
"OK. My name is Dr. Phil, and I'm sure you all know why you're here. Does anybody not know why they're here?"
A solitary person raised his hand.
"You're here because you can't control your temper," stated Dr. Phil matter-of-factly. "You're here because the law required you to take this week-long anger management course."
The person mouthed the word "Oh" and nodded his head.
"Right then. Let's start by saying who we are and why we're here." Looking to his left, Dr. Phil pointed at a girl with blonde hair. The girl stood up and cleared her throat.
"I'm Cindy," she stated, a melodic ring filling the room as she spoke. "And I honestly don't know why I'm here. I mean, the judge 'says' that I'm in charge of running my husband over, but really, he darted out in front of me."
"Cindy, that is a load of bullshit," kindly stated Dr. Phil. "Please sit down."
Cindy gave a huff and sat down, crossing her legs and blowing a strand of hair out of her face.
"And you?" asked Dr. Phil, motioning to the person right of Cindy.
"I'm Bobby, and I'm here because I threw a hamburger at a guy's face."
"Well that doesn't sound too bad," said Dr. Phil. "Are you leaving something out?"
"The hamburger was a bomb."
When Bobby sat down, a girl stood up, giving uneasy looks at Bobby.
"I'm Rebecca… and I castrated a man."
"…Why?"
"Because he was my boyfriend, and he kept cheating on me!"
"But he was cheating on you because he was married to another woman, Rebecca."
"Yeah… So?"
"So… Didn't you know that he was married when you were going out with him?"
"Yes."
"And yet you castrated him, even though he was cheating on his wife, but he dumped you to go back to her?"
"Yes."
"Go to Time Out."
Rebecca put her head down and walked to the back corner of the room, mumbling something about Dr. Phil being a big, fat doodoo-head.
"Now then," said Dr. Phil, motioning to the girl that was now sitting next to an empty chair. "You go."
The girl slowly stood up and clasped her hands. "My name's Raven, and I'm here because I shoved a pair of needles down a woman's throat."
Dr. Phil raised an eyebrow. "Wow. That's odd. Why did you do that, Raven?"
"Because she was forcing me to learn how to knit, and I didn't want to. So I did it. Luckily, I hardly did any harm. She was just sent to the hospital overnight. That's all."
"That's rather hard to believe… How did she stay alive?"
"Magic."
Dr. Phil crossed his eyes, a weirded out look on his face. "…OK… Um… You there! Why are you here?"
Raven sat down, causing a boy to stand up. "I'm Robin, and I'm here because I strangled a guy."
"Why did you do that?"
"He stepped on my hearing aid."
"But you got another one, didn't you?"
"Yeah…"
"Then what was the problem?"
"What, do you need one? He effin' stepped on my hearing aid!"
"OK! OK! I understand! Sit down and cool off, please!"
Robin crossed his arms and sat down. Raven shifted her eyes towards the boy as another one stood up to say his name and reason.
"What happened to the guy…" she asked, causing Robin to turn his head. "Is he OK?"
"Yeah," said Robin, looking back at Dr. Phil. "It's not like I could've hurt him, anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"He was a robot."
"…Oh…"
"By the way, you were saying something about magic… What did you-"
"ROBIN! RAVEN!"
The two teens looked at Dr. Phil in shock, a scared expression on their faces.
"STOP YOUR FLIRTING BEFORE I SEND YOU TO TIME OUT!"
"Flirting?" asked Raven, putting a hand over her chest. "We weren't flirting!"
"DID I SAY YOU WERE FLIRTING?"
The two teens looked at each other in confusion, not knowing what to say.
"Um…" finally spoke Robin. "Is this a trick question?"
"NO!"
"OK… Yes, you did say we were flirting."
"THEN YOU WERE FLIRTING! NOW SHUT UP!"
The guy that was standing up gave the two teens a questionable look, causing them to once again look at each other in confusion.
"Note to you," whispered Raven, her mouth barely opening to speak. "Meet at Joe's Coffee Shop at 5:30."
"Right," mouthed Robin.
"REBECCA! I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING BACK THERE, YOUNG LADY! NOW STOP IT BEFORE I SEND YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL!"
In front of the RadioShack™, two friends were having a bit of a quarrel. Let's drop in, shall we?
"Come on, Robin," said Raven, a hint of assurance in her voice. "We've already talked about this."
"I know… I'm just afraid he'll cause a scene."
"What would he do? I mean, I'll doubt he'll scream and hide, and I highly doubt he'll call the police, who'll come and send you to a prison where you'll be abused and anally raped by scary, burly, hairy, sweaty convicts that have nothing better to do but lift weights and play ghettoed basketball."
Any signs of confidence Robin had vanished completely, leaving the boy a sad, worried soul. "Thanks for the reassurance," he said sarcastically.
"You're welcome!"
"But I don't see why we have to talk to him. I mean, do we want him that badly?"
"Well, come on. We both thought a crime-fighting organization would be a good idea, and you said yourself that this guy had a robotic body. I'm sure if we talk him into it, he'll put some kind of weapons of mass destruction and help us out, don't you think? And don't forget, Dr. Phil thinks it's a good idea for you to go up to him and apologize, so you're going to have to do it anyway."
"…Good point."
The two stood outside for another good ten seconds, leaves blowing across the cracked cement.
"Well…" said Raven, giving her friend a glance. "Shall we go in?"
"Might as well."
The two walked inside to find the store completely empty, sans a very large boy behind the counter. Recognizing this person as the one he assaulted, Robin waved and smiled friendly like.
"Hello there."
The boy brought his attention to Robin and as soon as he did, his face changed drastically. His good eye became twice as wide, his lips puckered up, and his eyebrow twitched.
"Wha… What are you doing here?" he asked, fear in his voice. "I thought you were supposed to be in jail!"
"Well…" began Robin, crossing his arms and looking down at the floor. "Technically, I was, but thanks to our wonderful court system and a fifty-dollar bill, I was able to get by with only an anger management class. And now, I'm here to apologize for what I did."
The cyborg leapt onto the counter, almost as if he was trying to get to a higher place in hopes of chasing Robin away. "Stay away from me…" he said, his lips quivering. "I can call for help! I can-"
"Oh good God," said Raven, rolling her eyes. "Look, he's not here to beat the crap out of your sissy ass. He's here to apologize. Really."
The cyborg looked at Robin, the signs of fear less obvious. "Really?"
Robin nodded. "Yeah. I'm here to say it, so I'll say it: I'm sorry."
The cyborg put a hand to his chin. "Hmm… You sound sincere. However, I've been given special, super-duper robotic abilities. I can tell if your lying or not, little man."
"Really?" asked Raven, growing slightly amused. "And what do your 'special, super-duper robotic abilities' tell you right now? Is the little man being honest, or is he two-faced?"
Robin quickly looked at Raven. "How did you know about Lord Voldemort?" he asked, a hint of worry in his voice.
Raven raised an eyebrow. "Who?"
"Um… Never mind."
"Well…" said the boy, looking at Robin straight in the eye. "My special, super-duper robotic abilities don't say you're lying. How about that?"
"Yeah…" Robin gave a nervous chuckle. "How about that?"
"Well, seeing that you've been so bold to come back here, I accept your apology."
Robin lifted both arms up in the air. "w00t!"
"Yes…" said Raven. "w00t. But now, special, super-duper person, we have something to ask of you."
"And what's that?"
"What other special, super-duper robotic abilities do you have?"
"Well!" The boy pumped his biceps and stood proud. "I have incredible strength, not to mention a cannon that shoots pretty blue lights and hurts like hell!"
"OOOOOOOOOH!" said Robin, clapping his hands. "Tell me more! Tell me more about the pretty lights!"
"Yes," said Raven. "Tell us more about the hott, sexy lights."
"Well…" The boy scratched his head. "There's not much else to say. It shoots pretty lights and hurts."
"That sounds pretty good." Raven nodded her head. "How would you feel if we asked you to join a crime-fighting team?"
"You mean like Cat Ballou?"
"No. I mean like the kind that actually goes around and kicks super ass, like Superman and such."
"Oh… Are you sure we can't be like her? She's cool."
"Yes. I'm very sure. The day you give me chaps and a gun is the day I crown this guy king."
Robin stood to the side, a finger deep in his nose and not paying any attention to the conversation.
"So what do you say?" resumed Raven. "You get a free house, no wage, and you get to hang out with an awesome person and a… semi-awesome guy. Are you in?"
"It depends," he said, finally getting off of the counter. "Do I get screaming fans?"
"No."
"Do I get to meet famous people?"
"No."
"Do I get to be recognized?"
"Yeah, but nobody's going to really care about you."
The android raised a fist. "I'm in!"
"This is where we live," said Raven, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a key. "We think you'll find it comfortable here."
Raven unlocked a door to reveal a completely trashed condo. A big-screen TV stood at the opposite wall, but everything else was completely wrecked. Clothes covered the couch, and I don't even want to tell you what was on the floor… Ugh.
"This is where I'm staying?" asked the android, dropping his suitcases in shock.
"Yeah," said Robin. "Is there a problem, Vic?"
"Um… Yes. It's terrible in here! My apartment was better than this!"
"Would you like to live with Mr. Tweed?" asked Raven, throwing the key onto a table.
"Who's Mr. Tweed?"
"The guy that you saw outside," stated Robin, sitting down on a stack of clothes and turning the TV on.
Victor pointed his thumb over his shoulder. "You mean the one in the box?"
"Right."
"No."
"Then shut up."
I loved writing this chapter… Loved it.
Review now!