A/N: Yes, I should definitely be studying for my Contracts final right now, but I had to get the J/K/S angst out of my system first ;) Thanks for all the great reviews and suggestions you've been sending, and I really appreciate those of you who have said you're suggesting my story to your friends, too. Very cool ;) Hope you enjoy the chapter, and the new ep on Wednesday, too! (FINALLY!)
Kate yawned and opened her eyes in the low light of dawn. The caves were always chilly in the morning, but it wasn't usually a problem because Jack was in the habit of putting more kindling on the fire every few hours throughout the night. But it was distinctly colder this morning, and Kate turned towards the fire, puzzled.
It hadn't gone out completely, but the embers were slowly dying and it probably wouldn't last much longer. Jack was sitting near it, and Kate opened her mouth to remind him to throw a few more logs onto it, but she stopped abruptly when she realized his eyes were closed. His posture made him look as though he'd been sitting awake all night and had fallen asleep accidentally. He was reclined slightly against the wall of the cave with his knees drawn up toward his chest and his arms hanging casually over top of them.
Kate looked at him in wonder; in all the weeks they'd been on the island, and after all the recent nights she'd spent in the caves, she had never really seen him sleep. He had admitted to her once in passing that he didn't sleep well because he was worrying about keeping everyone safe, but she had known before that anyway-- the tired lines on his face gave him away. It pained her now to see that, even when he was asleep, he didn't seem able to escape the pressures he faced during the day. His jaw was clenched tightly and his brow was furrowed, as if he was fighting the rest he so desperately needed.
Kate had realized after the first few days on the island that Jack wasn't very good at taking care of himself. It struck her as odd that someone so in tune with the needs of others could be so blind to his own. At first glance, it might present as arrogance; as though Jack considered himself above things like sleep and proper nutrition and all the things that other people needed. But Kate knew better, she saw it for what it really was-- Jack was punishing himself.
She had witnessed first-hand the guilt he took on when anything bad happened, the utter devastation he felt when he wasn't able to save someone. When Joanna had drowned, when Claire had been kidnapped, when they had found Charlie hung in the jungle… Kate had seen a desperation in Jack on each of those occasions that simply made her heart break. But as far as she could tell, those events had only been shallow pools in his psyche, drying up a few days later after he felt he had exacted enough penance from himself. Kate didn't worry about them anymore. What really troubled her was that she was pretty sure that, buried somewhere within Jack, there was a deep well of guilt; one that never healed, never let him be at peace. It was the reason that he overworked himself every day, only to find his conscience punishing him afterward with sleepless nights, too. It was the reason that he put the needs of everyone else before his own, and the reason that he always looked a little guilty when he caught himself in a rare moment of happiness. Kate had seen how much fun he'd had the day Hurley unveiled the golf course-- she'd never seen him more relaxed. But although the others had organized nearly a dozen more tournaments since then, Jack never went with them.
Kate desperately wished he would confide in her, let her ease his burdens a little. She wanted to tell him that whatever it was that he was blaming himself for, he had suffered long enough. She could never really say those things to him, though. He would put the walls up before she even finished her sentence.
So instead, Kate had resolved to wait for him to come to her. She would work on trusting him, opening up to him, and hope that he would one day be able to do the same. She hadn't made it easy, she knew, but lately she had seen more emotion in Jack's eyes when he looked at her. He was beginning to show her more of himself, and Kate felt like a kid on Christmas morning, eager to peel off all the layers and see what was inside…
Rather than risk waking Jack by noisily throwing more logs onto the fire herself, Kate reached for the suit jacket he had left next to her just in case she came down with the chills again. Putting it on, she wrapped it tightly around herself, once again inhaling Jack's scent on the heavy fabric. It overwhelmed her senses, and just the memory of the night she had fallen asleep in his protective embrace seemed to warm her from within.
Looking over at Jack, she wondered if he was cold, too. She spotted a blue airline blanket folded up near his suitcases and crept quietly over to it. She slowly unfolded it, arguing with herself inwardly. She didn't want to wake Jack up because he definitely needed to rest, but after the way he had taken care of her over the last few days, so gently and with such patience, Kate felt an urge to repay him in some way. She held her breath as she neared his still form, taking deliberate steps so as to avoid kicking any of the rocks jutting out of the cave floor. Standing before him, she frowned again at the pain and pressure evident on his face. Carefully, she draped the blanket across him, hoping that it would help in some small way. Then, retracing her steps back to her makeshift bed, Kate buried herself under the blue airline blanket, and took one last look at Jack before dozing off again herself.
When Jack awoke, he knew immediately that he had slept longer than he had intended. The angle of the sunlight pouring into the mouth of the caves told him that it was long past the time he usually made his first water delivery to the beach, and the fire in front of him was completely extinguished.
He cursed under his breath and ran a weary hand over his face. As he stood, the blanket that had been covering him fell to the ground, and he wondered at how it had gotten there. Kate. Smiling in spite of himself, he glanced over at her. She looked peaceful, curled up in a ball under the blankets with one hand under her head. Jack could see the cuff of his jacket covering her petite wrist and most of her hand, and he smiled involuntarily, liking the idea of Kate sleeping in something of his. Soon enough, though, the voice of reason in his head reminded him that she was probably only wearing it because he'd neglected to keep the fire going and she hadn't wanted to freeze. Jackass, he whispered to himself, feeling as though he deserved Sawyer's favorite nickname for him.
Jack walked quietly to the dwindling wood pile, making a mental note that he'd have to chop more later. He arranged several pieces in the makeshift fire pit and added some leaves underneath to jump-start the blaze. Pulling a book of matches from his back pocket, he shook his head at his own stupidity once again. He couldn't afford to let the fire go out anymore; he was nearly out of matches.
Once he was convinced that the fire was burning thoroughly, Jack collected the empty water bottles from around the cave, careful not to wake Kate as he reached for the one nearest to her. Throwing them into a bag, he made his way towards the water fall. He was already late getting to the beach and he normally filled his own bottles last, but he wanted to leave Kate with enough to last her the day. He still didn't know exactly how to treat her condition, but she seemed to be slowly improving every day now. There wasn't much Jack could do for her with his limited supplies, but he could at least make sure she got enough fluids and protein.
When he returned to the infirmary cave Kate was stirring, and she opened her eyes at the sound of his light footsteps.
"Morning," she said lazily, as he set two bottles of water near her. "Are you just getting back from the beach?"
"Actually, I haven't even been there yet," Jack replied, almost sheepishly. "I got kind of a late start today. Thanks for the, uh…" He gestured nervously toward the spot where he'd been sleeping.
"No problem," Kate said quietly. "You looked like you needed it."
He smiled quickly then looked away before skillfully changing the subject.
"How are you feeling?"
"Okay, I think," Kate replied.
Jack bent down and put one hand to her forehead. "No fever right now; that's a good sign."
"Listen, I was hoping I could try a short walk today?" Kate asked hesitantly. "With your supervision, of course."
Jack nodded his assent. "It'll have to be later on because I really do need to get to the beach. And collect more wood, too. But yeah, if you feel up to it I think it would be a good idea."
"Good," Kate replied happily. "It'll be nice to be out in the sun for awhile."
"Not for too long," Jack cautioned, slipping easily into doctor mode. "This tropical sun will zap your strength pretty quickly and you don't want…" He trailed off, noticing that Kate's smile had faded.
"But a little while will definitely be okay," he relented with a smile.
Kate smiled back as Jack stood and lifted his bag easily onto his broad shoulders.
"I'll probably be gone awhile, but I'm going to send Hurley by with some fish and fruit, okay?"
"My favorite," Kate replied sarcastically.
"And Sun will be here at the caves if you need anything."
"I'll be fine, Jack, really," Kate assured him with a smile. "Go do what you need to do."
Jack nodded and turned to leave, throwing one last smile over his shoulder at Kate as she sat wrapped up in his jacket. Somehow just the thought of a walk with her later made the bag on Jack's back seem lighter than usual.
Sawyer looked up from his book as a form emerged from the jungle, taking off his glasses to get a better look. Just the Doc, he thought to himself, more disappointed than he cared to admit. Word from the caves was that Freckles was feeling better, and he kept wondering when she'd be moving back to the beach. Sawyer felt a strange anxiety about seeing her again. Hopefully, she wouldn't mention that flower fiasco. What had he been thinking? Bringing her a flower like she was his date to the damn Senior prom or something? It was one thing to play that card when he was working a con, but since when did he make sincere gestures?
If only Kate had never seen that letter. That's where the trouble began, really. He had shown it to her to scare her, to make her believe he was dangerous, dark. Leave it to Freckles to piece the truth together and ruin his whole façade. She had reopened a deep wound, and ever since then it was like she was bleeding him dry. Every time she looked at him, she seemed to be reminding him that she could see right through him, see past the identity he had appropriated for himself to the man underneath.
It was unnerving, but part of him liked it, liked the modicum of honesty between them. It was more than he'd given anyone else in a long time, anyway. At first, he thought it would be fleeting, like he could cleanse it from his system as the stab wound healed and things would go back to normal. But that had proven to be difficult. Every time he tried to shut that door, Freckles found a way to step a little further inside. And the worst part was, he wanted to let her in.
At least I don't have it as bad as Hero, Sawyer thought to himself, watching Jack as he delivered water to the survivors. That guy had been wrapped around her little finger since Day One, and everyone knew it. Sad, really, 'cause no way was she Doc's type. Poor guy just didn't know it yet.
Sawyer grinned when he noticed that Jack had been stopped by one of the survivors and appeared to be examining something on his back. Sawyer usually tried to steer clear of that guy; he was always complaining about something, a rash or a scrape or a splinter… some deadly tropical disease that never seemed to kill him. Yep, Jack would be stuck with ol' Medical Marvel for quite awhile if Sawyer was any judge.
Closing his book, he tapped it lightly against one palm, considering his options. He could drive himself crazy waiting around to see when Freckles would come back to the beach, or he could take a quick trip to the caves while Jack was occupied and see for himself if she really was getting better.
Well, no time like the present, he decided. And throwing his bag over one shoulder, he made his way toward the tree line...