Danny walked out of the office. He felt sick, and not for the first time in the past two days. The nagging desire to vomit had become normal and that wasn't a pleasant thought.
First it was seeing the guy dead, knowing that he did it. Then seeing the badge. Mac had played things by the book. Took his gun, sent him to the hospital -- even if he didn't stay. Mac didn't have to protect him, run resistance between him and IAB but he did. And Danny spat all over that and disobeyed the order to keep his mouth shut.
Seeing Mac in that hallway. The look on his face. It was the same look his father had given him when he was fifteen. Coming home bashed up after getting into a fist fight at the park. That look was worse than any speech, thrashing or grounding. The first time he'd gotten that look, Danny swore he'd never disappoint his father like that again. He studied hard, kept out of trouble. He could have gotten into college, but they didn't have the money to pay for it. So he got himself recruited on a baseball team. When he got hurt, he didn't have a lot of choices. Factory, the docks, drive a cab. Someone jokingly suggested joining the force and he figured why not. The day he graduated the Academy, his father couldn't have looked more proud. His boy was a police officer. And top of his class to boot.
In some ways, Mac had become a second father to him. And it pained Danny to see that look on Mac's face. Especially after how proud Mac had been of him making it to the promotion list.
What was worse was hearing Mac lay out the evidence. Mac always said trust the evidence. He wanted to believe that he was remembering everything correctly, that he didn't screw up. That he didn't kill a guy that didn't deserve to die. But he knew Mac was right. The nagging in his gut had been telling him all along that something was off. With all the screaming, anyone would believe that he didn't hear the guy yelling that he was a cop. But the rest was on him. He knew that the shooter was at the end of the platform. He looked out and saw someone coming his way with a drawn gun. His mind just put the two together and he reacted.
Hearing Mac saying it, he was certain he was about to be fired. Which made the nasty pit in his stomach grow until he was sure it would consume him. And then there was the look again. This time with the sad tone of disappointment in his voice. Mac left the words hanging but he knew what was missing. The simple fact that Mac was left wondering if he'd been wrong to hire Danny. Knocking him off the promotions list was a godsend compared to firing him. At least he'd have a chance to get back on the list. To prove to Mac that it wasn't the wrong choice.
Danny looked back before turning around the corner to the tiny office he never actually worked in. Mac was still sitting at this desk, talking on the phone. But there was something about him that was off. Something very tired. It wasn't a shock. Mac hadn't left from the time of the shooting until then. Not one break until he figured out what happened. And Danny had to go and shit on that devotion by breaking orders and screwing things up. Now he was paying the price for his lack of trust. He was getting what he deserved. He was going to have to work his ass off to make it up to Mac. But he wasn't afraid of work and he loved a challenge.
"On my mother's grave." Danny swore under his breath, "I'm not going to disappoint you again."