Chapter 3

A/N: Okay so I don't own Artemis Fowl and there is reference to Star Wars in this chapter so I'm gonna let ya'll know don't own Star Wars either.

Artemis had finally had gotten to sit down with his pudding. The teen was sitting on the conch in front of the TV watching a movie with a huge spoon eating the pudding by the scoop and getting quite a bit on his face. When he drank the soda he didn't bother with a glass just drank from the bottle. A regular teen would be proud.

When Artemis noticed that he looked like a hobo in a suit he went to the bathroom to wash off. Passing thru the kitchen he passed by the mess that used to be the kitchen phone. Oh well I got the cordless in the living room. Mother and Father might want to know how the diamond incrusted phone turned into diamond incrusted dust. Ah I'll worry about that later. Artemis thought to himself. Walking into the bathroom, Artemis was worse than even he could comprehend. The boy looked like the pudding was supposed to be one of those face masks that women wear that never work. It was even in his hair! They would have to operate. Artemis grabbed a silk wash clothe from the drawer and began for the worst cleaning of his life.

About 3 minutes in, Artemis had half the chocolate goodness off his pale face. And it was starting to get even paler due to having to stand for so long. Oh the agony! Artemis looked at himself in the mirror. His bright blue eyes shone then went to pure fury in about .3 mil seconds. The phone rang……again. Artemis washed what was left off his face and tried to run into the living room but tripped on his shoelace. Getting up, Artemis tripped again on some pudding on the floor. His friend the pudding had betrayed him. On the third time Artemis made it all the way to the living room and got the phone but, tripped again on his own feet, (How smart of him.) and his hand hit the bowl spilling pudding all over him. Mostly his head. Artemis wasn't what most would call poised.

"What is it?" Artemis mumbled. There was no answer. "Who ever it is I won't yell into the phone. So what is it?" Still no answer. "WELL FINE THEN! I WILL YELL IN THE PHONE!" Artemis yelled into the phone. He hung up. The pudding was everywhere. The floor, his clothes, this hair and his face, again. His pudding friend had betrayed him for the second time. Artemis was hurt. What had he ever done to the pudding? Besides eat it with extreme prejudice obviously. Artemis cried from his betrayal cleaning up the pudding. He cried when he was mopping, he cried when he was orange-glowing the furniture, and most of all he cried just because he was cleaning. Artemis carried his crying self upstairs to take a shower.

Artemis was in the shower crying still, the hot water hadn't kicked in. Oh how the cold water drilled into his pale skin. Oh the horror of having to shower because he was actually dirty. And even still the horror of having to use his mom's shampoo. He, in his crying state of mind had wandered into his parents' bathroom. On the bright side though Artemis's mom's shampoo smelled like fresh peaches. Artemis liked fresh peaches. Seeing this Artemis perked up quickly and Artemis did a happy dance. Oh the joy of smelling like fresh peaches. While Artemis was doing his happy dance he heard a sound he had come to hate. An evil sound. One that makes children cry, grown men cower in fear, and chickens to lay eggs. It was the sound of the phone ringing.

Artemis jumped out of the shower all ninja style. Grabbed a towel and ran down the hall (with it around his waist) to get the phone. Gasping for breath from running a hundred feet, Artemis picked up the phone trying to steady his breath.

"Hello?" No answer "Hello?" Artemis was getting sick of this. "If this is Holly trying to confess her true love to me, I'm here." If it was Holly she would probably find a way to reach thru the phone and strangle him, but at least he would know it was her. Still there was no answer. "Well fine no one likes you anyway." Artemis said sticking his tongue out at the phone.

Hanging up, Artemis walked down to his room to change. He changed into his silk business tie PJ's. He loved those PJ's so. With their little ties all stripped and polka doted and plaid. They mad him look like a business man who enjoys his sleep. And Artemis does indeed like his sleep. But now was not the time for sleep, now was the time for movies with pink bunnies frolicking in the fields of happiness. And giant purple hippos that like to sing "Mary had a little lamb!"

Artemis had just put in Magical Bunny and the river a of Happiness when the phone rang once again. Artemis was getting tired of getting mad enough to smash the phone each time it ran so he only howled in pain at getting up to answer the phone. When he answered the phone he was shocked. There was a voice on the other end!

"Hey Artemis, it's Holly. Heard you're babysitting your sister. How's that going?"

Artemis was more than relieved when he heard it was Holly on the other end. "Um" You idiot! You did it again! "Fine I guess. Have you been calling trying to confess your undying love for me and just been too scared to say anything?"

"WHAT!"

"I'm not going to be mad. I just need to know."

"NO I HAVEN'T!"

"Oh… are you calling to? Holly? Holly?" The line was dead. Holly had hung up. NO idea why. Artemis felt insulted. How dare she hang up on him! He was just asking a question! The phone rang again. Artemis waited a minute, waiting for Butler to pick up the phone. Then he remembered he was home alone. Duh! Picking up Artemis did not hear Holly's voice trying to confess her undying love for him. It was the same Vader breathing voice.

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"What?"

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"Do you have an obsession with diapers?"

"No"

"Then why do want me to check the diaper?"

"It might smell," At hearing this Artemis hung up as fast as he could and ran up stairs, hopping dearly that the diaper didn't smell. When he got into the room he wasn't completely out of breath. He must be getting in some sort of shape other than stick. Walking into the room he saw Randi sleeping soundly in her crib. Her little body curled up in a little ball. Artemis lifted the back of the diaper and checked it. No poo. Artemis almost fainted with relief. He walked down stairs to the living room and the phone rang again. After tonight I'm going to destroy every phone in this house with a sledge hammer. Picking up the phone Artemis heard the same creepy voice.

"How was the diaper?" Artemis dropped the phone.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A/N: Okay so that was chapter 3. Hope you guys liked it. And thanks to penguin two for giving me the diaper idea. And um yeah reviews would be cool! BYE!